monthly me | march ’17

March…happened. It’s already foggy.

Some thoughts on March:

My brain is a big hazy space now. I can’t remember what I did this month. I can’t remember how I felt, even though I wrote some of it down, I can’t process that March is over, and I can’t understand why it’s not getting better. I mean, I kind of understand. It’s just a lot. The Oscars happened? (Edit: I remember! I spent a day at Wits with some friends and rolled on the floor far too much. What a day.)

In March, I started going to a new (old) (new) church really near me, and I’ve been enjoying it. I feel a bit freer, being somewhere other than where I’ve been for most of my life. We have bible study on Thursdays and talk about whether religion means anything, and if things are as literal as they seem (no), and all learn from questions. It’s a lovely bunch. Good eggs.

I baked so many cakes? There are three March birthdays in my family. I took some more steps to driving, even though I hate it and the idea and everything to do with it. Yikes. I became increasingly fond of my roommate, and I’m excited to live with her. She’s wonderful.

March wasn’t good enough. It was grey and unmemorable, and I felt grey and unmemorable, but I am good enough. Good enough to be here still. Good enough to be expanding ever outwards with the universe. Good enough to take in all I can, despite how foggy it all is.

Waking up at noon or at five in the afternoon will contribute to the fogginess. I feel like I’m not really here, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m leaving sooner than I thought. I am moving my life in two suitcases. Time is happening and I’m just dissociating, rather than acting in the time. I don’t know. I also cut off all of my hair, and then got really long twists. I’m a human Newton’s Cradle. Swinging is exhausting.

Music

everything will be better when you come out, out of it

you think i’m in control / you think it’s all for fun / is this fun for you?
essentially, me yelling at people yelling at me yelling at my brain on repeat.

i’m a little much for everyone / you’re gonna watch me disappear into the sun

Snippets of internal monologue

  • The fact appears to be that I am the embodiment of that Hozier song. I fall in love with everyone. It’s like a permanent crush on the whole world. Is that why my chest is so full when I see people?
  • I hope I get it. *breaks into A Chorus Line*
  • Rewriting the L-phabet with all the Ls I’m taking.

I’m gonna try again for April. Breathing’s just a rhythm. (thanks, regina.)

love & light,
shalom xo

there is nothing to write about

I’ll be damned if I start another one of these with, “I’m so tired.”

BUT Y’ALL. I AM.

I have 39 drafts sitting here, asking me to do something with them. Post them, delete them, offer them as a sacrifice to the People In Charge Who Refuse To Hire Me — something. I spend most of my time thinking about writing and then not writing, because after five years of putting all of my pre-pubescent/teenage/other-stage-of-life thoughts on the internet, there is nothing to write about.

There is a lot going on in the world. There is waking up at 11 a.m.– reading about another innocent person being gunned down by police, another twelve girls in DC that are missing, another instance of Tomato Laryngitis saying something that should have gotten her fired years ago, another day of the Trump administration setting another piece of America on fire — and then there is going back to bed at 4 a.m.. Nothing to write about.

I am living on the weirdest fringe right now. I committed to a university, am preparing to leave the country and my family and everything I know, have become fast friends with my roommate and remain in awe at how she and all of her friends do such !!! makeup every morning even though they’re in school, am reading and editing the beginning of my friend’s book, cut all my hair off in a ridiculous decision and now feel even more awful about my face, planned for six vaccinations, messed up my sleep schedule further, and have semi-planned my friend’s July holiday. Mania is exhausting. Coming down is worse. Nothing to write about.

Me and my brain have been fighting constantly and consistently since That Day – I don’t know if I wrote about the day I found out I was fat? It was yikesy. – and it’s been hell since. I keep seeing so many of those new year resolutions slip past me, and I think I’m starting to understand why I don’t write them down. The betrayal I feel is unbelievable. Mostly, I want to unzip my skin and remain out of it for a while until I figure out how on earth do deal with my allocated flesh bag. Still, there is nothing to write about.

There is nothing to write about except what I always write about, and I have grown tired of my brain. It is a good brain. It is always full of conversations between me and myself, files of What Not To Do, love for others and a hyper-aware knowledge of what’s happening around me. It is exhausting. It’s exhausting because even on days (most days) when I do nothing but move from my bed to my computer to my bed, I have to deal with the noise of neurotransmitters not doing their damn thing. It’s too much because I am too much and I want to write about too much and the too much that I am, and the trade-off for too much is nothing.

There is nothing to write about, and I wish there was.

(all I’ve done today is listen to this on repeat and write this. It’s 7:13 p.m., and I’ve been up since 11. So sad, so sad.)

love and light,
shalom xo


featured image from death to stock

BOPS BOPS BOPS

hello hello gang! today i fell headfirst into a 2008 shaped music black hole. so, in the spirit of tunesday, here are some songs that shaped my early adolescent years. i am slightly embarrassed that i didn’t look up any lyrics for these and instead spent two hours screaming in my room, but i’m glad i didn’t include vanessa hudgens’ sneakernight. i am of the firm opinion that that song will never ever warrant its hype. ever. having said that, let’s take a trip back to the early obama days, when things were good:

leavin by jesse mccartney  – everyone remembers beautiful soul but this one was my ULTIMATE. it’s also a lot dirtier than i remember oh my gosh. BABY GIRL I BEEN WATCHIN YOU ALL DAY (all day all day all day)


crush by david archuleta – omg none of my crushes ever went away i had so many feelings as a ten year old and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. man. i also had a massive crush on david archuleta? so there.


california by phantom planet – OH MY GOD okay the OC is a big jam. idk why i was so mad about that show when i was eleven, but i was also obsessed with high school and university. seth and summer were so geeky and all i wanted to be, and ryan was like this insane older brother that looked 30 but he was like 19? anyway, the OC is where the gunshot and mmm watcha say comes from. marissa shot trey because trey was going to kill ryan with a telephone? because ryan beat trey up because trey tried to rape marissa. healthy fifth grader viewing. ANYWAY


sos by the jonas brothers – holy HECK ooooh this is an SOS. tbh what kind of dates were they going on.  they were like twelve. miscommuniCATION.how did they….anyway. BETTER BELIEVE I BLED IT’S A CALL I’LL NEVER GET. also, if you watch the video you see kevin get a text from a girl that doesn’t like him. so, he doesn’t delete her number…he deletes the whole phone. throws it in the trash. wow. hugs are overrated just fyi


good girls go bad by cobra starship and leighton meester   – WHAT WAS I DOING IN GRADE SIX THAT I THOUGHT THIS SONG RELATED TO ME SO HARD. WHY. good girls go baaaaaaaad i also remember the lyric about hanging with your five best friends and really wishing i had one best friend omg SHALOM


starstrukk by 30h!3 and katy perry – oh my godddd. cheer routine. but also i just thought that i embodied this song. all eleven or twelve years of age. catch me choreographing and whistling and channeling 2009 katy perry any day


untouched by the veronicas – gotta finish strong with grade seven shalom believing in her violin skills and a weird ass drawing i did on ms paint for this song. the lyrics are just…i go oooh ooh you go ah ah lalalala lalalala and i don’t know why that spoke to me in 2010. in any case, i was channeling all of my samantha brady attitude at the ripe age of twelve and i guess my unrequited crushes, all fifty of them, made this song #relatable. GOING CRAZY FROM THE MOMENT I MET YOU


bonus: call it off by tegan and sara  – i listened to this song almost every day between grade 8 and grade nine after the blackberry craze of 2011. and also in 2013. actually, this song kept coming back to me. “maybe i would have been something you’d be good at; maybe you would have been something i’d be good at” because you can trust me to be an emosh wreck about a love i’d never experienced. oh, shalom. girl. girl.

happy tunesday, folks.
thanks disney channel and also premature teen angst.

love and light,
shalom xo

l.i.f.e.g.o.e.s.o.n

as of march fifth, i am twenty for twenty applications and rejections. life goes on.

i committed to a camp and a week-long kid’s ministry  holiday club thing on sunday. life goes on.

the logistics of my moving continents in less than six months are terrifying and fuzzy. life goes on.


i spend silly amount of time thinking about songs and when i want them to play in my life. for example, i have a very specific vision of me moving into my shared apartment in new york city after i graduate from college, and playing “this is the beginning” by boy. i make little music videos about my life and about what i want my life to be in my head, and very near lose my mind when the song matches up perfectly. i’ve thought about the song i want playing if i’m a runaway bride, about the song i want playing when i figure out i can do what i love for a living, and about what i want to be listening to when i get on a plane to visit my mom.

despite my extravagant time-wasting song thoughts, finding a song that describes the present is hard because i spend most of my time in my head and not in the moment. i heard this song for the first time in 2012 but i’ve had it on repeat for the last four days. it makes for a lil shake up in my brain that i need.

as a person, i’m used to having high expectations and being disappointed, then trying to avoid that disappointment by having no expectations and somehow still being disappointed. i’m used to feeling like death and wanting to desperately step out of my skin for a day or two. i’m used to wondering how on earth i’m still here, and i guess it’s because life goes on.

life goes on.

i have really little money and just a little more sense, but i know i have heart. i have an awfully massive amount of heart, and if that’s what has kept me going my own way the same way life goes on in its own way, then that’s what it is. i have heart and a bunch of tired, and life goes on. right now, that’s all i know to be true. everything else is a big hazy mess of real & not real dissociation games and feeling like trash and not being physically able to fix it and feeling all of the anxiety in the world in agonising three minute bursts.

life goes on, i guess.


the other day, i talked to my future roommate about where we’re going to live this fall. life goes on.

every day, donald trump does something to incriminate his entire administration and inches closer and closer to impeachment. life goes on.

i’m not as sad as i used to be. these days, i can notice rapid cycling. l.i.f.e.g.o.e.s.o.n.

love and light
shalom xo

monthly me | february ’17

February is done (what?) and the last two posts have been incredibly depressing (expected?) and this is about to be a recap of the month in which I managed to get the least amount of stuff done. Ever.

february was…

quick. Too quick. I sent out 19 job applications and got 19 rejections (I’m fairly certain I’m setting up some sort of rejection record here), went thrift shopping and bought a jacket that will change my life when I wear it (I’m certain), and started a workout routine that I stopped soon after. I went to a Pretoria party and will not be doing so again. No sir. No thank you kind fellows. I had a lot of pancake breakfasts at 3pm and turned my sleep schedule so far inside out that I’m on the time schedule of someone who lives in California. I live in GMT+2. I sleep in GMT-8. I need to fix that.

edit: i also had my first breakout in my life. ever. it was a LOT. it’s still ongoing and for the first time in ever, there are pimples that should be paying rent on my forehead. dammit. just when i thought i had one thing going for me.

music

i have no fave lyrics from this. i just really love this song and chance the rapper. ASHENEEDEWASUM

this guy wants you but ONLY WITH YOUR CONSENT (please play this everywhere omg)

when you’re broken on the ground, you will be found

obsessions

  • Chance the Rapper’s verse in The Way by Kehlani
  • MOOCs from EdX & Coursera – I did a bunch of these in Psychology and Sociology before going to uni & they helped me out a bunch. So here I am, once again, learning something else for free. I love the internet.
  • This post from Mich – she’s a phenomenal writer and has a blog that’s just as wonderous. “Good night, Dr. John; you are good, you are beautiful; but you are not mine.

snippets of internal monologue

  • What if Trump destroys the world and then steals taxpayers money like he always does and then travels to one of the new planets?
  • Que in French and que in spanish Spanish sound very different and very obnoxious to be spelled the same.
  • If I cut my hair — no, I won’t cut my hair. But I want to cut my — no, mom wants me to cut my hair. But if (continue for three hours.)

The rest of this month was mostly memes and botched French practice. I got into college though! Yes, that’s fairly massive. I got into Rutgers University and it’s all kinds of exciting. I mean, I hope it will be.

The first week of March is almost through. The rest of 2017 awaits.  (thank goodness.)

love & light,
shalom xo