monthly me | march ’17

March…happened. It’s already foggy.

Some thoughts on March:

My brain is a big hazy space now. I can’t remember what I did this month. I can’t remember how I felt, even though I wrote some of it down, I can’t process that March is over, and I can’t understand why it’s not getting better. I mean, I kind of understand. It’s just a lot. The Oscars happened? (Edit: I remember! I spent a day at Wits with some friends and rolled on the floor far too much. What a day.)

In March, I started going to a new (old) (new) church really near me, and I’ve been enjoying it. I feel a bit freer, being somewhere other than where I’ve been for most of my life. We have bible study on Thursdays and talk about whether religion means anything, and if things are as literal as they seem (no), and all learn from questions. It’s a lovely bunch. Good eggs.

I baked so many cakes? There are three March birthdays in my family. I took some more steps to driving, even though I hate it and the idea and everything to do with it. Yikes. I became increasingly fond of my roommate, and I’m excited to live with her. She’s wonderful.

March wasn’t good enough. It was grey and unmemorable, and I felt grey and unmemorable, but I am good enough. Good enough to be here still. Good enough to be expanding ever outwards with the universe. Good enough to take in all I can, despite how foggy it all is.

Waking up at noon or at five in the afternoon will contribute to the fogginess. I feel like I’m not really here, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m leaving sooner than I thought. I am moving my life in two suitcases. Time is happening and I’m just dissociating, rather than acting in the time. I don’t know. I also cut off all of my hair, and then got really long twists. I’m a human Newton’s Cradle. Swinging is exhausting.

Music

everything will be better when you come out, out of it

you think i’m in control / you think it’s all for fun / is this fun for you?
essentially, me yelling at people yelling at me yelling at my brain on repeat.

i’m a little much for everyone / you’re gonna watch me disappear into the sun

Snippets of internal monologue

  • The fact appears to be that I am the embodiment of that Hozier song. I fall in love with everyone. It’s like a permanent crush on the whole world. Is that why my chest is so full when I see people?
  • I hope I get it. *breaks into A Chorus Line*
  • Rewriting the L-phabet with all the Ls I’m taking.

I’m gonna try again for April. Breathing’s just a rhythm. (thanks, regina.)

love & light,
shalom xo

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