painkiller post

am i in a lot of pain? yes.

are these painkillers on top of me? also yes.

a tiny revelation that has come from texting all of the people in my phone, eating a bag of nachos, losing and regaining various levels of feeling in different parts of my body, and trying to feel drowsy but feeling just…woozy instead: people can suck, but if you’re good, you can be good. you can be good, and not suck.

everyone is so so worthy. everyone is worthy of effort and companionship and unconditional love from somewhere. everyone is worthy of consequence. everyone is worthy of sleeping in their bed of worms sometimes. everyone is worthy of malaphors. (malaphors are craaaaaazy yo i love them)

it’s alright. the world is a mess. apocalypse now? maybe. building blocks of our reality falling out of the sky like that light in the truman show? absofuckinglutely. but it’s alright. one day, some boss ass pal is gonna wake up and remember that they can do that thing they’ve so badly wanted to have been done. i hope we’re all that pal one day.

my head is in my shoes y’all.

love n light
shalom

Advertisements

currently 2

currently…well, this seems to be a slightly better currently than the previous one.

currently, i am prepping for bedim – a blog every day in may – and i am worried that i’m going to be spread quite thin. that’s funny for me to say, because since the last currently i am still not conventionally employed. that’s a fun way to say broke ass bitch, ain’t it?

currently, i am comfortable in the little progress i am making. i’m in a strange space. does getting up before 10 even though i mostly have no reason to have something to do with it? probably.

currently, i am noticing tiny moments like when the sun is setting, and how 2012 shalom adopted almost 40% of her mannerisms from season one nick miller. (i really, really love new girl. the april monthly me explains it better.) i’ve eaten more eggs in the last two months than i ever have in my life – i think it’s maybe to make up the three years i spent not eating eggs.

currently, things are less foggy. it’s still very cloudy, but it’s easier to deal with cloudiness than unending fog. without fog, there’s room for noticing and seeing things before you trip over them (even if you trip over them anyway). i am tripping, HARD. but i’m also listening to podcasts and getting up when i feel like i can’t. i’m thinking of greenbelt fest with my pals from london in a couple of years. i’m present more than i have been in a while, and i’m tentatively relishing in it.

currently, i am getting ready to get stabbed with needles and miracles of science so that i get to move into my dorm with the most kickass italian surnamed kind spirited nursing student rutgers will ever see, and also so that i don’t get meningitis. i’m leaving everything i know soon. i’m ageing soon. many crises are presenting themselves, and i think i will get through them.

not past, but through. currently, we are going until we get there.

love and light
shalom xo

mothers

My mother wears her wrinkles
the way an ocean wears a wave

She is the only body of water
that has stopped me from drowning.

my mother is shipwreck and sailor
my mother is sink and plug
my mother is the start of the darkest parts of
myself, and then the light.

my mother is the last drops of
a bottle i cannot conceptualise
finishing
my mother is anything and
every
thing,
she is
the only chemistry that i did not fail
in twelfth grade.

my mother is a miracle of
science and god
of struggle and
strength
of
lived experience
and the power to shelter.

my mother is vessel: broken and
still letting me
take
my mother is fire: childhood
fascination and older childhood
admiration, my mother
is home:
where my closest friends are
from, where nurture is nature, where
i know. i know. i know.
hush, i know.
it’ll be alright. i know.

my mother leaped into every
ocean i found myself in
without knowing how to swim
my mother
refuses to drown even when her lungs
are heavy. full. enough.
my mother finds enough and
multiplies it every time
i do not have it
my mother carried me, and
carries me,
and carries me. home.

-s.c.o

(art by safina stewart)

EVERYTHING’S IN ORDER IN A BLACK HOLE

Alternatively: What to do when the level of shit that things are is too. damn. high.
(Edit: Alternatively, alternatively: A letter to a Shalom at rock bottom from a pseudo-Shalom who has some strange foresight.)

Hello gang. The alternative title of this post is an accurate view into my life for the last year or so, as you’ll know if you do even the tiniest bit of scrolling down my homepage. I’m a bit done with complaining about how much everything sucks for me on here, so here’s a little guide about how to deal with dealing with everything that sucks. What the hap is fuckening?

I’d like to start off by saying that every time I think I have hit rock bottom, there seems to be a deeper hole to fall into. At present, my room is a warzone: I climbed over a sleeping bag, vision board, laundry basket and pile of books to get to my computer. My body is the same, and my brain is…lukewarm. So to begin, understand that sometimes you can get lower than rock bottom. It sucks, and it happens, and you’ll live through it.

At rock bottom, it’s important not to get comfortable. (This whole post is sort of me yelling these things at myself, more than anything else.) As awful as it is to be on the jagged edge that is unemployment and really fast weight gain and very real isolation, I’ve found that I’ve made a sort of nest down here. It panics me because I feel like I’ll never be on top of things again, and that is a terrifying thing. So, force yourself out of the nest. Go outside three times a week, even when you have absolutely no reason to go outside. Text that friend who you’re friends with but you’re not sure if they’re friends with you. See how that goes. Run errands and check things off a list. Kick yourself into remembering that you can do things, and then do them.

Take care of your brain and body. Again, I come to you as a girl who has eaten french fries, ice cream, and salt and vinegar chips today, so I’m talking to myself. I pulled my head out of my ass and re-started taking the medication that helped me previously. Why did you stop, Shalom? Well, disembodied space voice, I don’t know. I thought I was getting better (which I was because the medication was working) and then I stopped taking it after my last refill (and stopped getting better). Go to the doctor if you feel unlike yourself. If rock bottom makes you want to jump off the ledge, go to the doctor. Suicidal ideation is a medical emergency. I am feeling better than I have done in the last couple of months. I’m glad and grateful. Take care of all of your health, starting with your head. Re body health, don’t fall into only ice cream and salt and vinegar chips five times a day every day. If you do, slow it down. (SHALOM, SLOW IT DOWN.) Are you healthy? Is the amount of gross stuff you’re putting in your body making you feel gross? Are you not putting enough food into your body in a quest for some version of health that…isn’t actually health? Take care. Friends, take care. Food is fuel, and it is necessary, and it is FINE. It’s really all absolutely fine. Stretch. Rest. Shower. Drink more water. Take care.

If, like me, you’ve been lacking routine due to monumental failures and your apparent unemployability, start doing something every day. It can be putting a glass of water by your bedside, or frying an egg, or doing calf raises while you brush your teeth, or spending five minutes outside, or writing down your feelings, or reading your respective holy book, or cleaning up a little bit of your space every day. Say yes to something you haven’t before. Do something. Remember that despite how much you feel like you are on the fringes of life, society, and sometimes sanity, you are here. You are here. You are here, and despite the madness, you can do things every day.

Understand your loneliness. I’ve been isolated from the few friends I made at uni last year because I didn’t go back to uni at the start of this year. My then-best friend moved across the ocean, and was no longer my best friend. The people who I thought I was growing with moved on as well, and stopped talking to me. My messages went unanswered, and sometimes all I got was a really patronising, “we’ve grown apart,” or “these things happen”. Understand that you are not alone because you are unlovable. You are not alone because everyone hates you. You are not alone. (The internet is an awesome place, and even if your friends are 15 000 km from you, they are your friends.) Even on your own, you are not alone. Even by yourself, you are something else.

What else? Words from the death to stock photo pack that today’s featured image comes from: Move toward the light. Build. Improve. Find good. Understand that rock bottom must end. Understand that even the hole through the hole through the floor that you fell through has a bottom. Understand that your tummy can change from chiseled to very, very soft in a few months. Understand that your body is still good. Understand that you are still good. You are still loved. You are still worthy.

love and light,
shalom xo