monthly me | august ’17

The others can believe what they like, but I don’t believe for a second that this is the real August and the other an aberration.
And yet,  I can see how they might be fooled —

~ Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants

August happened. Is still happening, as I write this. I’m reminded that this time last year was the first time I made one of these Monthly Me posts. It’s a bit strange now, when I look back on that August. Somehow, “I don’t believe for a second that this is the real August.” It sounds silly, or obscure at best, but it does the job when I’m looking for a descriptor for my feelings. In any case, August.

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Right. To begin, August has gone both agonisingly slowly and astoundingly quickly. The month began on a hill with my dear, Yasmin – who you may have become rather well acquainted with due to my frequent mentions of her and me being complete jokes singing Mary Lambert into the void and laughing about free unsweetened coffee and Macklemore. On August 5th, I began a 35 hour journey from home to new home-ish. It gets dark much later than I’m used to here, and I find myself confused at 7:30 PM because my brain and body thinks it’s 5 PM latest.

I had my parental parties with me for a week here, and I mostly just slept and went to Walmart. American shops are strange. Why are vegetables so expensive here? Systematic obesity, that’s why. All the things are crazy big here and wastefulness is terribly inherent. Except, people make a big deal of recycling. A very big deal.

My university is a goodie. By the time this is published, I’ll have moved in and just completed my leadership and advocacy program. I will also probably be crying or almost crying about near everything. I am, per usual, desperately unprepared for everything and frantically planning what little finances I have. I am, however, the newest employee of the Barnes and Noble on my campus! The things are happening and while I’m mostly terrified about everything, I’m okay with it.

SOPHIA IS GREAT. I finally met my roommate who I’d been talking to for five months prior, and our dynamic is just as good as it was over the internet, and infinitely better than the best that I could have hoped for in person. I spent the last two and a half weeks of the month in a sublet with some lovely housemates and one hell of a cat. Nalu is a mission but also a miracle. I love that boy.

August held such strange promise for me at the beginning of the year. I want to say, “Look! So much has changed!” but the biggest shift has been one of location, and despite flying for forever, the ground underneath my feet is still steady. I got here. It took a lot, and is still taking a lot, but I got here. And I got a job at the coolest cafe. And I have the coolest girl for my roommate and soul sister and forever friend. And I lived with the coolest cat for two weeks. I’m trying to stay ahead, but I’m gonna give ahead a slip and try for fully alive.

 

tunes n vids

the weather may be stormy, but the road is still before me
so pedal to the metal and drive

it could be weird, but i think i’m into it
you know i’m one for the overly passionate

oh, my heart hurts so good
i love you babe, so bad, so bad

oh, good god. this is a lot.

 

buncha other loves

  • My housemates upstairs and the stellar lil dinner we had the other night! Preston and Rachel, y’all are gems.
  • Nalu, my cat that’s not my cat.
  • Luna! My new electric-acoustic ukulele! Y’all! Life!
  • Uh, the new Kingsman II trailer. HELLO. EGGSY HELLO. HARRY’S BACK.

eggsy: we’ve got the brains, skills…skipping rope?

 

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snippets of internal monologue

  • 3 feet? That’s half a man!
  • Nobody. Has. Kettles.
  • Okay, this tax thing is getting stupid. This is stupid. I’m tired.
  • I don’t think I’ll ever read Neruda without feeling feeling again. Shalom,.the fic wasn’t even that emotional! Please girl. Get a grip. Tell Chyanne about it.
  • OOOH ground SWALLOW ME UP just like that!!!

 

That’s it done. That’s August, done. Do you mean to tell me that the end of the year is stealthily approaching and that I’m ignoring it? Well, I could have told you that.

love and light,
shalom xo

currently #4

currently, i am sat in a barnes and noble in new jersey, typing away on candice,(pronounced kan-dees) my new computer. i’m sipping on a starbucks iced vanilla latte that i got along with a fancy cheese and pesto panini sandwich (??) and a packet of chips for $8 ($8.55 after tax, because nobody told americans that a good idea would be to include the full price including tax on the shelves) and i’m confused about why they’d give me a venti for the same price as a tall. also, everything is air conditioned and it throws me off, man. america.

currently, i’m sat looking at a building that, much like the university, predates the independence of the united states. the trains from new york and further north come past every so often; right now one’s going in the other direction but i don’t know my bearings well enough to tell you where it’s headed. people get off and walk with purpose, and others breeze through the wind before summer rain. a man with a briefcase and sunglasses on his head looks up at the cloudy sky, and shakes his head at himself.

currently, i’m listening to come on eileen and thinking of 2014 and grade 11. i’m thinking of jessica craven and a joke about a red dress. i’m thinking of a history teacher that made me realise i never want to act less intelligent than i am for anyone’s comfort, ever again. i’m wondering about the time at home (it’s 10:34 pm) while it’s 4:34 in the afternoon here. i’m thinking of yasmin and her cat, and her line jumping sister. bless, wits comedy jam.

currently, i am regretting the aforementioned iced vanilla latte. i forgot that i don’t do caffeine very well anymore. it probably has something to do with my medication, which sets my resting heart rate at 122 bpm. my doctor was a liiiiiiitle terrified, but i’m always terrified, so it’s okay. i’m okay. i’m berating myself for not taking my meds on time because time zones messed up my schedule, and while i never suffered from jetlag, all the lil shortages of neurotransmitters in my head did.

currently, i’m wondering how real all of this is. i made the big mistake of re-reading jean paul sartre’s nausea on the plane, and the big existential think that is my daily disposition flew into overdrive. i’ve been stuck in that overdrive for the week that i’ve been here. so far, all that really helps bring me back is the reality of how broke i am, and the tunes of walk the moon and the arctic monkeys. ~argumentative, and you’ve got the face on.~

currently, i’m exploding with adoration and ultimate affection towards everyone, per usual, but especially towards everyone who’s made my settling in that much easier. to sophia, my darling, and all of her friends (jenna, cris, jonathan, john, sophie, tara, kate) have all been such dears. soph carts me around in her silver four wheeled carriage, and i almost cry every time i see her. to my mama, who came with me and grounded me every time my brain flew me off too far away, and to everyone – especially my ex drama teacher – who sent a kind message after i updated my number. you’re all so important to me.

currently, i am in america. i don’t know. currently, i am in america and i don’t know.

(i think i’m okay with it.)

love and light,
shalom xo