monthly me | october ’17

and is it worth the risk
just to crash your car for the sound of it?

hannah, coin

Bottomless void and friends, it’s the end! Of October, I mean. October is over. What happened this month? This is a fun one to write because I spent most of this month manic and/or dissociating. Still, I made it to the end of it and so did you, and we’re all here so we may as well experience this experiment in oversharing and overdocumenting together.

from the camera roll

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october

If you’ve read any of the all two (wow Shalom calls herself a writer but never writes Obisie-Orlu) posts I got up in the last month, you’ll know that I am currently coming down from the longest manic episode of my life. It’s been a lot of stress and confusion and dissociating, but it’s been okay because I survived it. Someday, I’ll write about the shit, but first I must survive it. I survived October!

Class is happening and university is happening, again. I’ve settled in okay, and I have some really good people in my corner in terms of where I live. Demarest Hall (shoutout Junot Diaz – he lived there) is full of freaks and geeks and a couple of gross frat bros, but its mostly just people who were lucky enough to meet their people there. It’s been nice living in a space that’s just art. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s what I have to say about Demarest.

I managed to write some good poetry this month, and got a couple of articles in re freelance because I’m a writer. My anxiety is a big mess and I haven’t collected my last paycheck from my old job (you know the one that I was excited about and then got fired from? That’s the one.) even though I could very much use the $100.

My letters from Dora arrived and I spent an afternoon reading them and sobbing (see last camera roll photo) because I have so much love for that woman. Wow. Actually, here’s something:

dora

  • What an encourager, what a woman.
  • WISE. My owl friend.
  • God, I am so privileged to call her friend.
  • Such a knack for photographing and reviewing good spots? I wish I was good at that? I am so glad that she is?!
  • Truly a lover and a fighter. Kindred spirits, me and Dora. Goodness me, do I love her.

What else have I got for this month? I got terribly ill. I’m on the mend but I was so sick it was a problem. I’ve been having a bit of more of an identity crisis than usual but mostly because of my accent. You know the voice in your head? The one that sounds like you. In my head, I sound somewhat English. Not entirely, but somewhat. When I’m with my mom and siblings, I have a mix of that accent, an American accent my entire family has, and then some of my parents’ Nigerian accent as a mixer for the whole thing. While I’ve been here without my siblings, I’ve just sounded very English, and I fear that I’m a fraud for it. I know I’m not, because it’s not a conscious choice really – I’m just trying to hold onto a bit of myself while here. Has this little bit of a waffle made any sense? We’ll never know.

tunez

I went to shows this month! The big one was the LANY concert in New York which was stupendifyingly good, but I also went to a basement show that introduced me to probably my favourite band at the moment. Anyway here are the tunez okay good on with it!

shoobies

i’m an antisocial socialite; your mother says “you’re so polite” – it’s disgusting

Easy new fave. Easy. I saw them at a basement show in New Brunswick in mid-October and while they put on a really good show (even without their guitarist) I was more shook by the lyrics? Apart from the fact that they did the thing where lyrics carry meaning if you listen twice but the music accompanying it is so good you can enjoy it in passing, the lyrics are so clever and I am so impressed? It may be because I noticed my writing style in they lyrics, or because “skinny lovin’, what’s your style?” made me want to make stuff, but Shoobies lyrics are 9/10.

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site: shoobiesnj.com
instagram: @shoobiesnj

they say we’re going to hell, let’s find a cheap motel and stay a couple nights

we’ll connect eventually if you stay you and i change me

and if i play this every morning and time my stepping out of the door with the guitar? none of you will have anything to say about it.

snippets of internal monologue

  • Look, if you’re actually crazy on paper then can you just say yes? Are you mad?Clinically, Janet, yes.
  • For Halloween I am…what is this? Corset girl?
  • Shut your mouth Shalom “my-eyebrows-are-eyeshadow” Obisie-Orlu. You just stop.
  • Uh, if I get approached by the police, I’ll just tell them I’m dead. Sorry! Can’t arrest a dead gal! Happy Halloween!

until the next, dear friends.

love and light,
shalom xo

 

‘i’m never buying an exercise guide again’, or, ‘wasting money while manic’

i have a lot of things to do at the moment. apart from beating this upper respiratory tract infection & sinuitis, almost all of them are school related. i’m tired of school, friends. we are eight weeks in and i am eight weeks more homesick-ish. it’s a different kind of homesick. anyway. i am a bit of a spender when i’m manic, and it hurts me and i wanna talk about it! here we are!

when i’m manic, i feel like i can do anything. i can save the world, write songs, create series, become anyone – i can do anything. this being said, i also believe that i can buy anything. fellas. i cannot buy anything.

ya girl broke.

i have a nasty habit of buying in sixes while manic; see strawberry whirls (2013) menstrual cups (2016), tide detergent (2017), books?? (present). i’m gonna be telling y’all about the books.

i’m not sure why i started it, and i’m not even certain i remember what the first book was. [edit: i do! it was neil hillborn’s our numbered days.] anyway, i bought a book for a regular book price and didn’t think it was a dangerous purchase because it’s a book! i just wanted a book! (it’s never just a book, silly shalom.)

the spiral began softly: poetry book (acceptable), john green’s latest offering turtles all the way down (i mean, kinda okay, i’d been waiting for it for a while and it was on sale!), rae earl’s it’s all in your head: getting your sh*t together (which is both okay and not okay. mostly not because how did i get there? how did i get to the point of ordering it? i don’t know. also, i ordered it from ireland. ireland? why do i let this happen?)

and then. and then.

i bought an exercise guide for a stupid amount of money. stupid. truly, fuck instagram fitness and fuck my brain for doing me in like this. when i say stupid, i mean money i will need for a winter coat stupid. i mean “save for essentials” stupid. i’d never felt the urge to buy this stupid glorified ‘strictly no refunds’ pdf for twice the price of a normal book ever. and yet, here we are. here i am, crying about it night after night because i did.

friends, i wish i could say it stopped there, but i am too untrue of a person to become even more so by lying. it didn’t stop. i bought jonny sun’s everyone’s an aliebn when you’re an aliebn too and then ordered anOthER (excuse this, but i am offended at how ridiculous i’ve been) book by an irish author because i saw “eating disorder” and “sale” in the same sentence. (it was on sale, and book depository makes shipping free, but it’s still unacceptable.)

would someone please put an end to this?

if i’m being honest, i spend most of my time while manic begging my brain to stop. i’m tired of spending money i don’t have on stupid things in stupid patterns because boop! it be like that. i really hate it.

i really want this to be over. i will never forgive myself for buying that guide so help me God.  anyone wanna transfer their powers of moderation to me? i haven’t had any. ever. really, i went through a childhood journal of mine a few months ago and realised that i’ve been doing this shit since i was 12, albeit with less important things. i.e. not money. that i  n e e d.

i have too many books. i don’t have the time to read them all. at least i’ve hit six now, i guess. guess i’ll just freeze!

love and light,
shalom xo

velocity

my name’s shalom and i have bipolar disorder, amongst other things. friends, i am manic and i wanna write about it. it’s 11:05 pm and i can’t get my fingers to move fast enough because my brain is going far too fast, but we’re here, and now i’m gonna talk about it.

mania is a little weird, to say the least. everything is amplified and i can’t open my eyes wide enough. i get weird bursts of energy that translate to “hey, you need to spend money right now.” mostly in the form of buying stupid things like hangers, or too much tide detergent, or stickers.

according to science and medicine, my mania is hypomania. i never get to the point that i do potentially life threatening things because i’m manic, and i’m really grateful for that. i do, however, have energy levels that exhaust me. man, am i tired. my brain is a never ending “wowowowowowowow” and my body is trying to keep up with it but it really can’t.

in girl interrupted, susanna kaysen expresses it really well. she describes the two poles of mental illness as viscosity and velocity. viscosity is slow, thick, and dull. velocity is a hundred kilometers a minute. did you know that the earth moves at 1000 miles an hour to complete its rotation? i feel as though every part of my body is trying to keep up; like if i don’t move that fast i won’t rotate and make it to the next day. i know my logic is flawed, friends. overperception is one of the things that i’m very good at, manic or no. here we are. welcome to the brain.

it’s midterm season and i am spinning. i’m spinning past logic and past what i’ve worked so hard to fix, past dysphoria that i can only fix when i have long braids in, and past what i thought i knew i did when i am manic. i’ve spoken about how i feel like i’m in a plane but nobody’s flying the plane – how i dissociate and what the depersonalisation and derealisation feels like. i’m dealing.

i miss my home, and i miss my habits. i miss the island in my kitchen and the couches in the upstairs lounge. i miss crawling into the corner of my bedroom when i needed to turn things down to zero, but i’m dealing. my doctor sister told me to find support structures when i got here, and i think i have. you’d be proud, sharon.

ya girl manic, but she’s tryin’. always trying. i wonder what it’s like to be the universe, experiencing itself ironically?

love and light,
shalom xo