there are things that i would never say or do

have you listened to parekh & singh’s album, ocean? friend, you should – i just finished my maths homework before class in a bit and i’m feeling tentatively okay. just the right side of tepid.

last week i was in the pit. i didn’t go to class for three days, and all of those classes had attendance policies. have i gone ahead and messed up my grades? maybe. could i have avoided it? unfortunately, no. it’s what the great sciencey people who put definitions to what happens in my life call a hypomanic hangover. baby, do i have an analogy for you.

imagine you’ve been feeling really good for a while. i’m talking two or three (two and a half) glasses of that really good merlot and then a shot of tequila because party time, type of good. lots of dancing – the kind of drunk where you’d dance to a siren – and lots of good feelings. you got things done, you’re allowed to relax, the people that love you really love you and things are good. you never stop drinking because you don’t have to. things are good.

 

then, after being drunk for three and a half weeks, you get hit with the mother of all hangovers. every single one you avoided manifests in one big boulder on your head and chest and legs, and suddenly you can’t get out of bed for a week.

the hangover is depression, my friends.

today has been remarkably better than last week monday, and while i’m still walking about in a bit of a hnagover haze, i’m hoping this doesn’t turn into a full fledged depressive episode. the whole world and jesus know that my gpa cannot handle that.

in case you were wondering about the title, it comes from the featured song. but, here’s a list anyway:

things that i’d never say or do*

  • yell at someone for not having manners and ask if it’s because their mother didn’t teach them
  • squinty-eye a vegetarian or vegan who didn’t want to be plant based anymore
  • betray my heart
  • eat butternut pie or smell some sort of squash with cinnamon without gagging a little bit
  • make fun of people with eating disorders or people who actually like nickelback or people who like fanfiction
  • vote for fascists
  • not marvel at how stunning people are
  • stop wanting to be more true to myself

have a good time of day, people.

love & light,
shalom xo


* in some instances, this can be read as things that i’d never say or do again

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