open hearts club

alternatively titled, where the hell is spring?

friends, i’ve been on a mission as of late to keep my heart open despite all the very obvious reasons i should have closed it off…until i realized what a boring phase of my life i was setting myself up for. now, i’m not saying that you need gut wrenching heartbreak for life to be exciting, but i am saying that closing yourself off to experiences because of fear of said heartbreak will probably leave you bored.

it’s been a weird mix of weather recently, but i am doing fine. i have been doing a lot of things wrong recently – overwhelming myself, slacking on my medication, not appreciating my desk in front of a window – but i’ve been trying to keep my heart open. i think i’ve found that despite how icy out it my be, an open heart is always warm. i think the snow storms are over, my friends.

spring is making a very slow, but very anticipated appearance. the other day it was 7C (which is like…40?F?) and i was thriving in a tshirt dress, petting dogs and going to class, experiencing love in its fullness. i am ready for more days like that.

i am learning how to be the best kind of human, and i don’t know much about it yet. but my heart is open, and heaven knows that if there’s one thing i’m good at, it’s learning.

love and light,
shalom xo

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washington dc in 24 hours

Hi friends. I’m decidedly perkier today, considering I have a train back to Jersey this morning and I am excited to do my laundry. Seriously, it was a mistake not doing so before break. In any case, I’m coming to you from a Starbucks in DC where I’ve spent the last day. Technically it’s just under 24 hours, but we’ll call it what we’ll call it. Here’s the trip!

Bri and I stayed in a lovely room full of light in the home of a wonderful family in Northeast DC. Surrounded by the Franciscan monastery and the Catholic University, our little nest in Brookland was so welcoming, especially after the night we had.

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We had lunch at what is probably one of my favorite spots now, Busboys and Poets. Busboys and poets has an extensive vegan and vegetarian menu (all so good) and such an incredible vibe combining culture with good food. There were books for sale and organic ketchup and it was everything I could have asked for in a tempeh panini and smashed avo toast. I love avo toast.

Seeing the sights in DC feels a little repulsive now. It’s definitely got something to do with the current administration, but I can’t help but be more aware of the city being something built on the bones of people. Idk idk idk. George Washington? Probably an okay guy. Also very racist. Slave owner. Kinda gross. Idk? Some things were cool to see though, like this church. Yes this church.

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We ended the night with an impromptu show, seeing Courtship, The Hunna, and Coasts. I have no photos because collectively, Bri and I had about 30% battery, so I kept my phone off until it was time to get home. One kicker of an evening minus the migraine that knocked me out not even halfway through the second band’s set. I spent the show mostly thinking about my lads and how excited I am to book them a big tour one day. One day soon, you guys. Let’s get carried away.

I’m nursing a coffee before getting to the station because I have a 9 am train to Jersey to be on. And you know, the more I think about it, the more I’m into these tiny trips. Granted, a three and a half hour drive and countless uber rides later, they don’t seem so tiny. I’m looking to do more of them, though. America is far too big not to go. Ya girl is gonna shut up and go.

love and light,
shalom xo

lighten up, buttercup

i started this post without any intentions. i haven’t even properly looked at the lyrics for buttercup, so i know i’m not writing prose for it, but i do think i’ll be writing something about lightening the fuck up.

i’m in quiet, tree filled suburbia for the next week (check maryland off the list of states) and i’m trying to regroup and recoup after the first half of semester that started well and ended quite horrifically. crash and burn horrific, my friends. it was me crashing and burning, and let me tell you that i could do with less scars on my body.

in any case, i’d like to call your attention to the fact that despite the very obvious baby breakdown i am going through, i will 100% be fine on my own. i think because i trust people so easily – and in turn rest in them fully when they say i can, even if they don’t mean it – many people believe that i’m incapable of being fine on my own. that’s funny to me in a totally not funny way. one, why? two…why? if i could and can survive moving across the ocean and living with my brain on a daily basis, why on earth wouldn’t i be fine on my own?

i’ve done much more difficult things than live without a roommate for the last two months of the school year. i’ll be fine, i’m alright, it’s my body. honestly, i don’t deserve the beating i put my brain through because of overthinking. she goes through enough thanks to chemistry, and it’s unfair of me to keep ruminating over things that will never help me in any way. really, it’s about time i lighten the fuck up.

lighten up, buttercup. get a hobby.

love and light,
shalom xo

wisdom from 23

my big sister turned 23 today! i miss her dearly, and because she’s very busy being an almost doctor and writer and all around bad ass, i’d like to share some lessons she’s taught me with you. more specifically, lessons that have been applicable to the last week of my life – what a trip, honestly. here we go!

  1. things fall apart, but you do not. bend, fracture, but do not fall apart.
  2. a good thing is not always the good thing for you.
  3. misconstrued relationships hurt more than you think they will, just because you’ve thought about them in a way that they are actually not. it sucks, but issokay.
  4. loving someone sometimes is not enough.
  5.  if you get heartbroken, there’s an ice cream and sweaty dance fix for that.
  6. the people who you choose to share your truth with aren’t people you choose lightly. more often than not, they are good. be good to them, too.
  7. if you consider yourself difficult to love, remember all the things it is easy for you to do, like love people.
  8. stick with yourself. whether it’s through med school or through a cross continental move, stick with yourself through it. a constant is refreshing.

i would go for twenty three lessons, but i’m pretty beat. my brain, she’s back to her scheduled programming of throwing me under the bus. it sucks a lot.

happy birthday, sharon.
i love you!

love and light,
shalom xo

don’t come home today

my good friend emily has a playlist titled the same, and it’s another gem.

when your insides feel heavy, there’s usually a place to drop your guts. the wombats have a lyric off their new album that says, it’s hard to keep my chin up when my guts are lying on the floor and today, march 5th, has been that in a day.

dear friends of the internet, my guts are lying on the floor, and i have nowhere to put them. when you think of something in one way and then have it deconstructed, then shredded, then incinerated, thinking of anything becomes a bit of a chore. i think i had a contrived sense of home here and today i was handed an eviction notice in the form of reali-tea that was too hot to handle. and now there’s tea on the ground and my guts are on the ground and oh god, please don’t step on the ground.

tender is the night for a broken heart. and a broken brain. the two are the same, you know.

look, i don’t know what i came on here to say. i pay $18 a year for this domain and i get to say shit. so here’s some shit that i’m saying.

a playlist:

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | feb ’18

february was twenty eight days of me wondering when the weather will be warm again. i had a couple of moments that mad me apprehensive about the rest of my life forever, but i’m still here and that’s all i can ask of myself. what am i doing this summer? nobody knows! here’s february.

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this month…i remember very little. and it’s not because i’ve been belligerently intoxicated nor is it because i’ve suddenly lost my memory, but because this month has been more of the same and i find myself having less and less to report. i went to fewer shows this month, got sick for half of the month, and did more work for the band than i have in a while (did anyone tell you how stressful it is to book a tour? because it is stressful as all hell). i think it’s because i spent february looking into the future – i’m trying to plan the summer and also the rest of my degree, but the stress that makes me want to never come out of my blankets always creeps up on me, and suddenly it’s depression naps like i never expected.

i did a poem called bees on the last day of the month. it was the bees knees and i loved it.

i do remember that i listened to a good amount of music this month. stay tuned. one morning saw me waking up at 5 am and listening to lana del rey’s born to die: the paradise edition twice over for no reason other than because i was awake. it reminded me of september 2016. can you believe it’s 2018?

i sometimes wonder if i could look back on february and remaster it like an old album. what songs would i add more reverb to? probably to anti-prom, yelling car seat headrest’s drugs with friends; maybe i’d reverse the night i spent in bayville for a couple of hours; definitely delete the day i realized how sick i was getting. i hope this isn’t one of those forever sick sicknesses. anyway. february was a song that is track six on an album – good, but not too good. i’m okay with it. 2018 is still a good album. like, frank ocean good.

tunez n vidz

idk why i don’t watch much youtube anymore. i think because it’s become more and more of a cop out. i don’t know. here’s some tunez and a big gif i enjoyed this month.

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i think i saw the world turn in your eyes

we are just victims of the contemporary style

snippets of internal monologue

  • please burn the flowers i got you. please burn them. burn. please
  • you know, i’ll be really pissed if he gets arrested. but also, not my business?
  • STOP YELLING AT ME THAT I’LL FIND SOMEONE I DIDN’T ASK
  • what if we cancelled…everything

be young, be dope, be proud. bye, february.

love and light,
shalom xo