july ’18 | monthly me

what’s this? my once a month forced writing thing on time? yes, friends, it is on time. because i am bored out of my mind and have no clue how americans live through the summer every year. let’s begin with the wreck that was the month of july.

 

 

 

july is over, and thank the lord for that. in july, i turned twenty by the beach and had a mediocre time. in july i saw people i love and also got heartbroken. now, you may be wondering what the hell i’m going to do with all my previous outpourings of love for the boy, and the answer is nothing. i’ll leave them here because they were real, and real things deserve to stay. even when they hurt a little bit.

in any case, i got dumped. it sucked and i didn’t cry as much as i thought i would. i spent a lot of time and pain feeling the lyrics from fossa, mostly “let me know i haven’t opened up the floodgates again, to another man who controls the pain but never says anything”. pretty heavy. i love the song and it’s included in tunes of the month and nobody can stop me.

pain is a funny thing. i think most pain during breakups comes from harboring some emotion, like resentment or anger. the weird part happens when you’re not, and you’re still hurting. the pain of unrequited love is unlike any other. it is damaging and soul sucking and really fucking hurtful. it plays right into insecurities you’ve had since forever, and doesn’t stop if you harbor emotions. i’m not harboring anything, but i’m still hurt. it’s okay. you change your mind, but change is fine, we all move on, we all move on. (those are al bairre lyrics – a band i was near obsessed with when i was 15. anyway. more tunes of the month.)

tunez

if we learned how to live live this, maybe we can learn how to start again
it doesn’t have to be like this

loves

  • went on my first rollecoaster! i almost shat myself. it was a lot
  • mamma mia – here we go again. ugh. what a cast. what a moment. mamma mia
  • skirt i bought while thrift shopping. prepare to see it in the winter
  • aftermath of sweaty interviews. very sweaty, but the feeling of accomplishment is there

snippets of internal monologue

  • wait, what? ????
  • i would do almost anything to go to portugal again.
  • or maybe i could just. do it
  • things and money and ouch

yes. july.

love and light,
shalom xo

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june ’18 | monthly me

those heavy days in june

when love became an act

of defiance

june bled into july in a way that i wasn’t expecting, and that’s half the reason i’m writing this in mid july. the other half is because i’ve managed to convince myself that i’m absolute rubbish at writing and that i should definitely throw out the book idea i had. so i’ve been discouraged too. but the middle of 2018 found many of us at a point that was discouraging – not being where you thought you would be at a certain point is discouraging. realizing that you haven’t moved as fast or as far as you would have liked is discouraging. in any case, we’re all still here, and disappointing as that may be at times, at others, it must be enough. it’s enough.

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here’s a picture of my neighbor that i took on june 5th that i really love. she’s lovely.

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in june my brain took a beating. i wanted to stop taking my medicine (that didn’t go well), i wanted to drop out of uni, i wanted to walk into the ocean, i wanted to stop feeling lonely. i wanted a lot, really. nothing too extreme, but i had a lot of want. my dear friend dora went on a trip to europe and i lived vicariously through her. it looked so lovely and i’m while you can’t read about it here, you can read the rest of dora’s words. (they’re lovely.)

i guess so much time has passed since june that i don’t really know what to say about june, unless we’re talking about june by florence and the machine, off the newest albumĀ high as hope. high as hope was released at the end of june and proceeded to tell a story that i had wanted to tell for a long time. florence welch has a way with words that twists them into my chest and allows my heart to form around them, all before ripping them out along with my heart with an outrageous belt at in the middle of a song.

so, as to disappoint you further, here are my favorite lyrics from each song on the album:

june: hold on to each other

hunger: at least i understood the hunger i felt / and didn’t have to call it loneliness

south london forever: we’re just children wanting children of our own

big god: is it just part of the process / jesus christ, it hurts

sky full of song: i want you so badly but you could be anyone

grace: i don’t tell you enough, grace / you are so loved

patricia: how’s that working out for you honey? / do you feel loved?

100 years: give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly

the end of love: i’ve always been in love with you / could you tell it from the moment that i met you?

no choir: and if tomorrow it’s all over / at least we had it for a moment

anyway, that was june. i felt a lot in the transition period between june and july. i hope to write more. hold on to each other.

love and light,
shalom xo