july ’18 | monthly me

what’s this? my once a month forced writing thing on time? yes, friends, it is on time. because i am bored out of my mind and have no clue how americans live through the summer every year. let’s begin with the wreck that was the month of july.

 

 

 

july is over, and thank the lord for that. in july, i turned twenty by the beach and had a mediocre time. in july i saw people i love and also got heartbroken. now, you may be wondering what the hell i’m going to do with all my previous outpourings of love for the boy, and the answer is nothing. i’ll leave them here because they were real, and real things deserve to stay. even when they hurt a little bit.

in any case, i got dumped. it sucked and i didn’t cry as much as i thought i would. i spent a lot of time and pain feeling the lyrics from fossa, mostly “let me know i haven’t opened up the floodgates again, to another man who controls the pain but never says anything”. pretty heavy. i love the song and it’s included in tunes of the month and nobody can stop me.

pain is a funny thing. i think most pain during breakups comes from harboring some emotion, like resentment or anger. the weird part happens when you’re not, and you’re still hurting. the pain of unrequited love is unlike any other. it is damaging and soul sucking and really fucking hurtful. it plays right into insecurities you’ve had since forever, and doesn’t stop if you harbor emotions. i’m not harboring anything, but i’m still hurt. it’s okay. you change your mind, but change is fine, we all move on, we all move on. (those are al bairre lyrics – a band i was near obsessed with when i was 15. anyway. more tunes of the month.)

tunez

if we learned how to live live this, maybe we can learn how to start again
it doesn’t have to be like this

loves

  • went on my first rollecoaster! i almost shat myself. it was a lot
  • mamma mia – here we go again. ugh. what a cast. what a moment. mamma mia
  • skirt i bought while thrift shopping. prepare to see it in the winter
  • aftermath of sweaty interviews. very sweaty, but the feeling of accomplishment is there

snippets of internal monologue

  • wait, what? ????
  • i would do almost anything to go to portugal again.
  • or maybe i could just. do it
  • things and money and ouch

yes. july.

love and light,
shalom xo