shit is hard

i really meant to come back to writing, like, five months ago. and i didn’t because shit is hard — this shit is hard! i wanted to say so much but i couldn’t get the words to come out of my fingers in the way that i was happy to recognize as my own. idk. i’m here now and a lot of life has happened since february? january? either way, we’re here and i’d like to share, so.

mt. tammany

holy cow. so i climbed this mountain and cried twice while doing it. my boyfriend is super into hiking and camping and the outdoors, and i am more of a…how you say…stay where there’s air conditioning at all costs type of person. in general, derek takes me outside a lot more than i would ever take myself. he opens my eyes to all sorts of beautiful things and the joy he gets out of it is enough for me to do it anyway. but, back to the point – mt. tammany!

i have never gone hiking. prior to this escapade, the most green i’d ever seen was probably in a pantone color chart on tumblr in like 2013, or on a drive from maryland to pennsylvania where there were no people for miles.

when we were going up, i lamented every step. to be fair, i lamented almost every step on the way down. i was the worst. i complained about the sun, about bugs, about snakes – and all derek did was stand in awe of them. he sees the world through a lense that purely states the urgency of living. he looks at everything and thinks about how cool it is to just be there – he is present. i hope to be more present.

for weeks after the hike, i told people that it was the hardest thing i’d ever done. to be fair, i was so anxious that i thought i was going to die. i straight up made derek take my south african mother’s phone number in case anything happened. i was scared that every rock i put my foot on would slip, that the two snakes we saw would strangle me that night, that a swarm of gnats would fly into my throat – i was very stressed out. but i did it. shit was hard. but i did it.

it was beautiful, and i want to hike more. maybe next time in leggings instead of running shorts that are too small for me. maybe next time, after i’ve done a little more cardio. maybe next time, when there aren’t like a hundred people on the trail. but i always want to do it with derek. always with him.

love and light,
shalom xo

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