i listen to a lot of lcd soundsystem.

a lot.

when i wake up on saturday morning, “pow pow” by lcd soundsystem is playing in my head on repeat. it powers me through the shower that i don’t want to take and the breakfast that i don’t want to eat. the library awaits, and i leave the house doing high kness to “drunk girls” blasting in my headphones. the wires of them always happen to get tangled in my keys, but the lyric “i believe in waking up together” always seems pretty clear.

in the library, “one touch” is never enough. “people who need people to the back of the bus” reminds me of how hard it is to be soft in a hard world, and how badly i need to finish my pragmatics paper. “people who need people are just people who need people.”

at 2pm i am a person who needs people. the london session of “pow pow” marches me to the courtyard where kierin is, and they shake my shoulders and get me back on track. “with you on the outside, and me on the inside, there’s advatages to both” repeats while i stand in a semi circle but somehow still feel excluded. there is talk of iced coffee. i am interested. “pow pow!” off we go.

at the student center i drink my coffee in five minutes. i tell myself, “this is happening”. i tell myself, “finish your paper”. i tell myself “i can change“. i wonder if this is what it’s like to have all the good parts of mania without the bad. i tell emily i’m listening to lcd soundsystem on one of the most stressful days of my academic career. she says, “are you trying to feel like you’re tripping?” the short answer is no. the long answer is always.

walking down the street to my recent ex of a workplace to get burgers, i hear “north american scum“. i hear sirens and “it’s the return of the police!” i hear “all i want are your bitter tears” from the loud car that zooms past. “from now on, i’m someone different”. it never lasts too long. it always returns to the mean. we wait in the store for our food, our friends, our lovers. i tell them, “take me home.”

when i close my eyes, i tell myself that “i can change”.

when i wake up on wednesday the next week, “fresh” by tired lion plays in my head. it takes until 10 am for it to be lcd soundsystem again.

dance yrself clean

it’s a good morning in the house and heart of shalom. i woke up and watched derry girls, and then looked at my naked body in the mirror that came with my room – it’s an upgrade from the duct taped one in my old room – and shook myself out. i shook my arms and shook my legs and i felt like my body was mine. i felt like i had ownership of the thing that i had such a tumultuous relationship with, and even more than ownership – i felt connected to it. i felt like it was mine.

dancing has always been freeing for me. i’ve never been very good at it, see my ballet endeavors from 2011-2016, but i’ve always wanted to do it. and do it more. and do it without caring what other people think.

today i danced to lcd soundsystem with my naked body jiggling all over the place, and it felt good. and i danced to dance yrself clean and i felt clean. and i put it on repeat in the shower and i danced. and i danced.

dance today.

love and light,
shalom xo