in the moment that i realize i love him, i am sitting up on my bed and he is diagonally across from me. i tell him, “i really like you”, and he says “i think you’re looking for a stronger word”. it’s the first time he’s right. he’s right nearly every time after. and when he’s wrong, he’s the first to say it. he’s the first to say that i’m right when i am. how lovely it is to be reminded.
on the day before his birthday, we are cruising down the highway in his minivan, and ribs by lorde is playing. he smiles at me, and i tell him to keep his eyes on the road. his smile widens and so does mine. in this moment i become aware of the fact that i want to love him forever. i decide when the lyric “it’s not enough to feel the lack” plays, and for the first time i am thoroughly sure of what i want to do with my life.
when he goes hiking a couple states away i convince myself that he will be eaten by bears. he makes it back like he said he would, and we celebrate two months of bliss wrapped in each other, arms a poem repeating a refrain that says “together is better if it is with you”. the words etch themselves into the deepest parts of me. it is always better with him.
after a rough patch, we are seated at a restaurant. he reaches his hand across the table, and i am scared to offer my own. i do it anyway. he always pushes me to be brave. on the way back home, his hand rests on the back of my neck. i feel like i’m floating. when we kiss later, i feel like i’m floating. i float on the feeling and land in the present: what a lovely time to be in when one is in love.
many things happen – we go to a wedding, we turn twenty one with each other, we dance in the basement of my old apartment, we sing fleetwood mac in the car, we eat copius amounts of sushi, we play with his dog, we go to the fair, we road trip to pittsburgh – and his hair grows and grows. i love his hair.
i love you more than i can write, more than i can ever hope to help myself remember how much. i love you with everything in me, with all i am, in any way i can, in any way you need. thank you for showing me what it’s all supposed to be like. thank you for helping me heal. thank you for being yourself. i always think that i couldn’t be more in love with you until the next day rolls around and i am. every day i love you more. thank you for letting me, and for loving me back.
love and light,