but did you die?

(short answer: no. i didn’t.)

hello my friends hello! it’s been a bit of a long time but i’ve gone back to my scheduled programming of losing my mind a little bit. it’s a bit better than the depersonalization-derealization disaster of fall 2019, but now i’m struggling to get out of bed again. eh. anyway, here’s what you missed on glee:

  • derek (the boy) and i celebrated a year together in portland, oregon, and it was lovely. we saw a lot and walk-hiked a lot and ate a lot.
  • i started an internship that makes me feel like an adult. i work hard, and a lot, and i am proud of myself. it’s rad. here’s me on my first full day:
  • i hade the best new year’s eve i’ve ever had. i danced and i laughed and i drank my wine. i felt so at ease with the passage of time. for the first time in my life, i wasn’t worried about the day being over and a new one starting. i was surrounded by friends and deep loves of mine, and i drank it in. i’m pretty sure i was really good at pong that night, but who knows.
  • emily (the other half of my brain) moved to italy for four months! she’s studying abroad and is living a dream. i have never been happier that a single person is in florence.
  • i almost gave up on writing because i felt so out of practice. i wanted to tell stories and i wanted to inspire change and i wanted so much but i am… lazy? depressed? a bad writer? all of the above? who knows, this was likely taken during a breakdown about the loss of the one skill that i ever felt good enough at:
  • i have fallen into a deep depression after the most consistent good mental health year of my life. i’ve been crying a lot, and struggling to eat, and staying in my house because i don’t want people to see me crumbling. derek’s been a godsend, and shit has been hard (the band i played in broke up – or something, i’m not really sure why – and i miss the structure and consistency of bonding over vulnerability and music) but anyway here’s a picture of me in a good mood even though the cupcake store was closed:

the point is, a lot has happened but i didn’t die. i’ve been thinking about what i told my 18 year old self years ago: the future is bulletproof, even if you are the gun. even if your your finger is on the trigger. even if you want it to end. the future can hold you. it can bring you lessons. it can bring you joy. the future is bulletproof, and there is so much for me there.

there is more for you, too.

love and light,
shalom xo

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