twenty twenty

i don’t think i’ve written on here since the start of the year – pre-pandemic times, i mean. the last time i was on this part of the internet i was starting an internship that i just finished. i was using a different computer, my house was still a show venue, my best friend was in italy – lots has changed and its unfortunate because as crazy and transformative and heartbreaking and unexpected as this year was, i’m not sure that i have too much to say about it. that’s never stopped me, though. here’s the year that was.


december came and went without me realizing. it’s as if after all that this year brought, i was ready for it to end so much that i didn’t see that it was. i worked a lot and i missed my family a lot. i cried about missing my family a lot. i cried a lot. whatever. i realized that this site needs to be redone if i’m to use it, i released music (?!) i unlocked two foot spins on skate, but by the time december came around, my longing for a life that was was already so strong, it didn’t seem like a new year would change anything. it probably won’t – not this one at least. but tomorrow is new year’s eve, and they say to never say never.


this was a weird one. i got a happy light for my seasonal affective disorder and was applying to 100 jobs a week (no exaggeration). the picture is from when a dream organization reached back out to me and i burst into tears in a verizon store. in november the election happened, i finished my favorite workout program i’ve ever done (roll on january 4th) and learned a couple of cool rollerskating tricks. i shot the duck! i reflected on just how uncomfortable life had been in november, and dealt with that by listening to a lot of lcd soundsystem. not that that’s new, or news.


this past october i carved my first pumpkin! i dressed up in a costume from spirit halloween (a store i walked out of because it was too scary for me to be in there) and i wrote a lot of music. i had a couple of meetings with dr. chayko – my second favorite professor to date – and i sat with the fact that i’m graduating in may. i mean, i’ll be here for my masters degree, but my undergraduate career ends in may. it’s bananas – parts of me feel like a different person than i was in 2017, whereas other parts feel like i mellowed out and got cool. cool girl. in october i thought i was cool. i still think i am.


what happened in september? it’s getting foggy as i look back, but i remember learning propositional logic in my semantics class and being totally floored by the fact that math-like things still exist in linguistics. pete, my professor (favorite to date), said “mathematical proofs” in one class and i almost threw up. i started my final year of college and i longed for my friends. i still do.


in august, derek and i went back to assateague state park in maryland and saw these horses. there were also giant horse flies and they were brutal. we danced on the beach and watched lightning and it was the perfect end to an imperfect summer. i met erin and we became fast friends. i’m not sure how much i’m romanticizing the past because i just wanted for it to be good. was it? i think so. i could be wrong, but i think so.


in july we went to ocean city and hung out with our friend jess a bunch. jess is the kind of person who makes me want to hug her tighter every time she smiles at me. she is warm and welcoming, and kind and soft and so full of love. she has the vibes, and the vibes are right. i love you so much, jess. you made july really special. i turned 22! i had a lovely little socially distanced picnic with people i love and everyone said nice things about me. there was a video of people saying nice things to me, including my mom, and it made my heart burst. 22 wasn’t half bad.


in june i drove on the parkway and didn’t freak out. i surprised derek with an ideal beach trip and everything was wonderful. we visited the friendliest little town in new hampshire and i got some surgical steel earrings that did not aggravate my expensive allergy to most jewelry. we ate dinner on a dinner train and i learned that i love me a good shiraz, i drove across state lines, we held a protest, and i didn’t get enough sleep.


in may we said goodbye to whatever our dream of the 2019/2020 school year was. everyone moved home, and i moved into my new place. emily and i dressed up and danced and set up my new room. it was lovely. new brusnwick was lonely once more, and i started to miss things and people dearly, and with a certain urgency that i hadn’t before. it was like it was the first time i realized that the dream was ending and i had no idea what to do with it but try my best to hang on to all the memories i had with everyone.


april saw me working out a lot, and feeling really strong for the first time in a while. i revisited a program i had quit in january and getting through it was huge in showing me that i’m capable. emily turned twenty-one, i started doing covers on instagram, covid was really real, and the rest is brain soup.


march was the start of shalom who skates! derek and i drove two and three hours, respectively, to get roller skates off of facebook marketplace. it was scary but we did it and we skated in this beautiful unpainted brand new parking lot. i also beat him at words with friends repeatedly. i saw emily after she returned from italy and we played music and had a blast, and derek and i visited assateague for the first time.


february saw my last blog post, and many italian ceilings thank you emily. we threw our last show at our house without knowing it would be our last show, and it was awesome. it was a blast of a leap day and i think about it all the time. the morning of that show, derek and i went on a hike and i remember texting a band, “sorry for the late response i’ve been in the forest”. i went on an impromptu trip to the city on with bri and met her friend kylie, and we drank and danced. february was impeccable.


and so we find ourselves in january, full of hope and excitement and laughing at nothing in the bathroom of my friend’s house. january was the start of the spring semester and the best show line up i’d ever had the joy of being involved in, it was going to freakin portland with the love of my life, it was starting the internship that taught me so much, and getting scammed by a bowling alley.

i don’t know what the new year will look like. i wish for you all health and an unbelievable love from those around you. i wish for courage to face what is coming and grace to look back on what was.

happy new year, my friends. choose love.