october ’18 | monthly me

i can’t believe it’s november. if you had to tell me that i’d experience half the things i have from january to now back at the start of 2018, i would probably have laughed with hope. i don’t regret anything that’s happened this year. not yet. october flew by and allowed me to solidify some awesome relationships that i’ll talk about later. again, it’s so strange to look back at last october and compare it to where i’m at now. this was october!

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emily and i

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gang’s all here

woah woah woah, lots of me in these pictures this month! this month was a relatively good month for body and self image. we went out to eat a few times and spent money supporting touring bands – we saw some good music. this month has been categorized explicity by emily and her roommates who i now have the privilege of calling my friends. i have spent many a night on their couch and cried in katie’s arms and talked politics with patrick and have been welcomed by chris, and it’s been the best thing i could ask for during this period. so, this is a post for the house. a love note, of sorts.

emily: you are my best friend. ever since you described me as your second brain, i’ve been describing you that way – i never know what i’m even thinking until i have you say it back to me. you are a light in a world full of things with the purpose to dim. you are fresh air on a stale wednesday night, you are fruit snacks when i have cotton mouth, you are the shiny penny on the sidewalk. i love you so much. thank you for october.

katie: i’ve never been able to almost adult with someone with the comfort that i do with you. thank you for conversations about cars and credit cards, and everything that comes with a katie breakfast. i love you tremendously, and your friendship means so much to me. thank you for brower brunch, for big hugs, for sweaters and jackets, for inside pockets, and for a real life expression of being true.

chris: christopher patrick, i do adore you. i do adore the way your mind works, head butting and all. i love the way you think, i love the way you flip an omelet, i love the way you clean the kitchen, i love the way you love isle of dogs. i am so grateful for your presence. i am grateful for your drunk yells and expressions of joy. i am grateful for your existence, and everything is better with you.

patrick: patrick, you know stuff. as someone who also knows stuff, i want to tell you that i appreciate you. i appreciate how you see people and you see through bullshit and how open your mind is. when i think of you, i think of fat sandwiches and all the conversations we’re yet to have. i think of all the love that everyone has for you. i think of all the things we’d endure for you. i think of all the ways we’d hold you up. we’ll hold you up. what a privilege to love you.

biz (bonus!): elizabiz, thank you for every slutty brownie (because i ate a bunch) and for every slutty everything else. i have been waiting for someone like you in my life for the longest time. i have been aching for a twin soul in the most crass of ways, and holy hell do you deliver. biz, you are so smart. so brilliant, and so deserving of good things. thank you for being around.

okay that’s that we are moving on to….

music!

tell me where you’re going, and is there room for me?

my character’s strong, but my head is loose

emily and i saw them live mid october, and i almost didn’t go because i got the tickets for someone else and i couldn’t go with them anymore. they were phenomenal. one hell of a show. emily, thank you for always pushing me to go.

my internal monologue this month was mostly about loving my friends, and the love notes for them here see to reflect that enough. yeah. that’s my internal monologue: “love your friends”.

love and light,
shalom xo

 

 

monthly me | september ’18

zoo-wee-mama. zoooooo-weeeeee-mama.

hi friends! september has come and gone and a lot has happened. school has started and i’ve been blogging weekly for class and as such have neglected to overshare with you all. now, perhaps you see that as a blessing, in which case i’d ask you to leave now. because i’m back. back, and oversharing with a bang. into september!

 

 

 

this past month i listeneed to a lot of rainbow kitten surprise. i saw car seat headrest live in concert and almost cried my eyes out. i mean, at one point my glasses fell on the ground while emily and i were moshing and it almost went so so badly.

there comes a point where i can’t even remember what’s been happenening and i have to go back into my tweets to find out what i’ve been doing for the last 30 days. it’s been a fairly wild but also relatively tame month. we begin with sylly week, which saw me going out three or four times in a week and pushing my body to the absolute extreme. a blush pink dress with a blush bottle of wine leads to shalom returning home with her hair in a state at 8 am.

i started classes which are simultaneously stimulating and stupendifyingly stressful. my linguistics classes are rightfully kicking my ass and it is one hell of an event. i am coping, but barely. however, i am not on the verge of anything. not a breakdown, not immense success – i’m chilling in the grey area for a little while longer, and that’s okay. i have been struggling with some 2014-esque disordered eating thoughts, but i’m in two kinds of therapy this semester and i’m working my butt off trying to mend my broken brain. i’m trying.

what else? i went on a lot of dates, none of them fruitful. i dealt with my coward of an ex, i tried to wean myself off of my meds (which, admittedly, i should have done with a psychiatrist), and got my nose pierced. i got a real lil crystal in my face! cool!

let’s talk about music!

do you like me? circle yes or no

serving myself

i want to romanticize my headfuck

alright! internal monologue!

  • i’d like to make my shame count for something. same.
  • what do i think the song goes?
  • i’m a sad fuck, i’d like a quick hug

cool! that was september! alright!

love and light,
shalom xo

august ’18 | monthly me

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

okay. i am swamped. school just started up and i am beyond beyond it. there is a lot but goddamn do i want this consistency. so, my dear friends, this was august.

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august was…

learning. i learned a lot this august. i spent a lot of it waiting for school to be back in session (and now that it is, i’m drowning) and i’m so happy to be learning again. i think i actually got over the break up this month due to me finding out some…things. idk. i don’t wanna get into it the long and the short of it is that exes are that for a reason. my housemates moved in and life got a little less lonely, and my friends are all incredible people doing excellent things. i’m growing to appreciate them even more, and i’m so grateful for it.

i learned some new songs on ukulele, started wearing my nose piercing again, danced a lot, saw my family, loved hard, and lived. i came to the conclusion that i love my life, because i made it. i made it and it’s here and it is mine. i love it.

tunes

nothing is forever, but don’t let it get you down

is it a good time or is it highly inappropriate?

snippets of internal monologue

  • if you die and leave your body but then come back then what
  • is a ukulele…just a…whiny bass?
  • the underwear sock monster

thanks for comin! see u soon!

love and light,
shalom xo

july ’18 | monthly me

what’s this? my once a month forced writing thing on time? yes, friends, it is on time. because i am bored out of my mind and have no clue how americans live through the summer every year. let’s begin with the wreck that was the month of july.

 

 

 

july is over, and thank the lord for that. in july, i turned twenty by the beach and had a mediocre time. in july i saw people i love and also got heartbroken. now, you may be wondering what the hell i’m going to do with all my previous outpourings of love for the boy, and the answer is nothing. i’ll leave them here because they were real, and real things deserve to stay. even when they hurt a little bit.

in any case, i got dumped. it sucked and i didn’t cry as much as i thought i would. i spent a lot of time and pain feeling the lyrics from fossa, mostly “let me know i haven’t opened up the floodgates again, to another man who controls the pain but never says anything”. pretty heavy. i love the song and it’s included in tunes of the month and nobody can stop me.

pain is a funny thing. i think most pain during breakups comes from harboring some emotion, like resentment or anger. the weird part happens when you’re not, and you’re still hurting. the pain of unrequited love is unlike any other. it is damaging and soul sucking and really fucking hurtful. it plays right into insecurities you’ve had since forever, and doesn’t stop if you harbor emotions. i’m not harboring anything, but i’m still hurt. it’s okay. you change your mind, but change is fine, we all move on, we all move on. (those are al bairre lyrics – a band i was near obsessed with when i was 15. anyway. more tunes of the month.)

tunez

if we learned how to live live this, maybe we can learn how to start again
it doesn’t have to be like this

loves

  • went on my first rollecoaster! i almost shat myself. it was a lot
  • mamma mia – here we go again. ugh. what a cast. what a moment. mamma mia
  • skirt i bought while thrift shopping. prepare to see it in the winter
  • aftermath of sweaty interviews. very sweaty, but the feeling of accomplishment is there

snippets of internal monologue

  • wait, what? ????
  • i would do almost anything to go to portugal again.
  • or maybe i could just. do it
  • things and money and ouch

yes. july.

love and light,
shalom xo

june ’18 | monthly me

those heavy days in june

when love became an act

of defiance

june bled into july in a way that i wasn’t expecting, and that’s half the reason i’m writing this in mid july. the other half is because i’ve managed to convince myself that i’m absolute rubbish at writing and that i should definitely throw out the book idea i had. so i’ve been discouraged too. but the middle of 2018 found many of us at a point that was discouraging – not being where you thought you would be at a certain point is discouraging. realizing that you haven’t moved as fast or as far as you would have liked is discouraging. in any case, we’re all still here, and disappointing as that may be at times, at others, it must be enough. it’s enough.

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here’s a picture of my neighbor that i took on june 5th that i really love. she’s lovely.

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in june my brain took a beating. i wanted to stop taking my medicine (that didn’t go well), i wanted to drop out of uni, i wanted to walk into the ocean, i wanted to stop feeling lonely. i wanted a lot, really. nothing too extreme, but i had a lot of want. my dear friend dora went on a trip to europe and i lived vicariously through her. it looked so lovely and i’m while you can’t read about it here, you can read the rest of dora’s words. (they’re lovely.)

i guess so much time has passed since june that i don’t really know what to say about june, unless we’re talking about june by florence and the machine, off the newest album high as hope. high as hope was released at the end of june and proceeded to tell a story that i had wanted to tell for a long time. florence welch has a way with words that twists them into my chest and allows my heart to form around them, all before ripping them out along with my heart with an outrageous belt at in the middle of a song.

so, as to disappoint you further, here are my favorite lyrics from each song on the album:

june: hold on to each other

hunger: at least i understood the hunger i felt / and didn’t have to call it loneliness

south london forever: we’re just children wanting children of our own

big god: is it just part of the process / jesus christ, it hurts

sky full of song: i want you so badly but you could be anyone

grace: i don’t tell you enough, grace / you are so loved

patricia: how’s that working out for you honey? / do you feel loved?

100 years: give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly

the end of love: i’ve always been in love with you / could you tell it from the moment that i met you?

no choir: and if tomorrow it’s all over / at least we had it for a moment

anyway, that was june. i felt a lot in the transition period between june and july. i hope to write more. hold on to each other.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | may ’18

yo, this year is flying by and i don’t know what to do about it.

 

 

so what did i do this month? it’s gone from really tough to really relaxed to really, really tough. things are hard as hell right now. i’m taking summer classes and i’ve never had to work so fast in my life; i hate it. i still have two years of this degree; i hate it. i really miss my family, especially my siblings; i hate it. i hate a lot of things, but i love my boyfriend. he’s the best thing in my world at the moment. i don’t have much to say today but for my complaining, and i’m trying to do less of that. so. let’s all move along and talk about some happenings this month!

  1. moved into new apartment – you wouldn’t know this because it happened oh so quickly, but i’ve moved out of halls! i now live seven minutes away from uni and while the apartment isn’t the best, my room is cute and the rent is okay so i’m fine. i’m fine with being here for the next year. my housemates are all great girls, and i’m looking forward to absolutely no roommate drama, thank heavens. what else? i keep making too much pasta when i’m cooking for myself, but nevertheless, i’ve got pots and pans which make me feel supes adulty. i also have utilities to pay for now, which freaks me out a lot! but it’s ok! we’re here! it’s ok! 

  2. started summer school – i am crying. it’s six credits in six weeks and i am crying. i have to do two whole research papers and i don’t even know enough about interpersonal communication to start. currently, i’m writing this post while avoiding my prospectus paper on the maintenance of long distance interpersonal relationships because i have no idea where to begin. there are 10 marks awarded for the title. t e n. how do i make a ten-point title?img_20180531_155821_528
  3. two months with my baby – guys, i know i talk about him a latte but he’s the best damn thing, really. holding his hand? the best thing. i described it to dora like this one time  – “we held each other in a way that was like my body had already memorized the ‘don’t let go’ of his touch” – and while that’s literally gut-wrenchingly sappy and disgusting, i don’t care much. he’s the best and we’re cooking together this weekend if i can finish this god forsaken paper, but i love him and that makes me believe that things will be alright.
  4. no…birthday anxiety? – my friends, for the first time in ten years, i am not afraid to age. it’s crazy to think about because my birthday existential crisis has been a part of me for as long as my boobs have, but i know there are some reasons (see point 3) that i’m excited for the future instead of petrified of it. it usually shows up by april, and now it’s basically june, so let’s hope for no nasty surprises before july.

i guess i just want to get this hell month out of the way so i can enjoy the summer. i want to swim, to see the sea, to dance, to love, to kiss – i want to take all of these verbs and make them irreversibly, unequivocally mine. i don’t really know how to do that, but i wish i did. i know i’m going to learn, though. i will learn; i am always learning.

tunes

and i was twenty five and afraid to go outside; a millennial that baby boomers like

the boys are back and so i have to include them. matty looks like a budget hayley williams and it’s excellent. he also looks, like, free. also such a great message man give urself a fkn try

maybe i was moving too fast for you – i’m sorry but i can’t see you

i spend a lot of time on trains (my boyfriend is two train stops over) and i listened to this all day one day, and when i was on the train i realized how this song can be played in any weather. listen to it and see snowy winters, sunny springs, scenic summers and nostalgic autumns. i love it a lot. thanks ed the dog.

from what i’ve seen so far, the good ones always seem to break

what a return. what a wonder. i missed this voice holy heck. in an interview, florence welch said, “i am very in love with the world and quite afraid of it as well; my feelings come on really strong.” and all i can say is my relatable songwriting queen has returned and i am so glad. i thought i was flying but maybe i’m dying tonight

snippets of internal monologue

  • i’ll never be able to hold a job down. i can never do it.
  • what kind of writer can’t write?
  • perhaps i should become amanda torroni. just swoop n swop

right. that’s it! that was may. so so different from the last two mays on this blog. life really changes in such a crazy way without asking you permission.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | april ’18

well, let it pass, he thought; april is over, april is over. there are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.

– f scott fitzgerald, the sensible thing

it’s the same every april, my friends. except, this april, this quote means something different to me. april is over and i have experienced a new kind of love, one that has me believing that there really are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice. this is april.

april showers…

it rained a lot this month. we also, however, had many more brighter days which happily coincided with my desperate need for them. my mood’s been a lot better, i’m taking my medicine, my brain is behaving – i’m okay. this month was a bit of a shit show in terms of school, but i’ve made it to the end of it and i am so so glad to be able to say i survived it. this month i also did a very adult thing and went apartment hunting! i’m happy to say i’ll be signing for it in a little bit and that i’ll be leaving dorm life in a neat little chapter titled “sophomore year in america and all the nice and shit things that came with it”.

this past month i got a new journal, painted hydrangeas while drinking summer sangria, damn near cried over linguistics, found 3 random housemates, broke my headphones, worked out exactly 1 (one) time, suffered through the pain of my wisdom teeth coming in, stressed about the dental appointment i am yet to make to have them removed, made countless flashcards, decided to write again, and ate 3 (three) burgers. the second was the better burger.

april was not terrible. i spent all of it wrapped in a very tender sort of love that i hadn’t experienced before, and i hope to experience it for a long time. love is rad as hell. still don’t appreciate the “you’ll find somebody” speech that people would give me. all that aside, my love takes up mega heart and brain real estate, and i’ve found myself in a very happy place since adding him to my world. (thanks baby. i love you.)

good. that was april.

tunes

come over tomorrow, it’s that kind of evening
we’ll get mixed up on both sides of the ceiling

impatiently, as i wait for you

(this is a beauuuuutiful tune. it reminds me of drives (from the passenger seat) and a steady hand on my leg.)

count the headlights on the highway

(oh my soul, was this killer. it’s tiny dancer by florence and the machine, and it is a wonderfully crafted masterpiece.)

snippets of internal monologue

  • i would give anything to be in florida for a bachelor party right now.
  • just be cool just be cool just be — ah fuck.
  • but self neglect is just so much easier!
  • quit. quit like the lany song.

this has been april and it is up on time because the bitch is back. it feels good. however your month was, let it pass. open yourself to some of that new love, my friends.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | march ’18

in march, i got pretty low and then pretty high. i did some travelling, went out of my way to meet new people, fell in love, and tried to cry less. i cried a lot, but i definitely cried less than i could have. march madness is over, and here’s what’s left. welcome to what was, my friends!

so, march. march houses three birthdays in my family – please note that i’m avoiding a paper by writing this instead – and i missed them all thanks to a lovely little thing called the ocean. it was hard not being around for my mom’s 50th, but it was lovely to have been called in during the party. what else happened in march? jeez, the year is flying. there is a boy who i hope will be around for the longest of times. i do love him so. what else? march was the first month i ended without a roommate, and that was okay. the isolation that comes with being called crazy, not so much. i got pretty low, but lord knows that all it takes sometimes is a little chemistry play and an updose to fix a little dark patch. forever grateful to abilify and the work it does on my brain.

quick talk about how open i am about my brain: there is nothing to hide. i am still somewhat ashamed of how mental illness affects me – which is uh. a lot. it affects me a lot. – but i am trying not to be because…bitch, it’s literally not my fault. there is nothing i can do about it but continue to do all i am doing. i am doing my best and it has to be enough. sharing my mental health journey seems to come naturally to me because i’m a talker, and if i don’t talk about the big things in my life, well. well. anyway, i do. so. i’m gonna. that’s all.

music madness

i tried living without you but you’re my vice

hey, guys, i’ve got something on my mind
tick tock, can you take it for a while?

until love came in on time

snippets of internal monologue

  • wow i’m really just not going to graduate. wow. okay.
  • hey buddy, everything is on fire
  • mmmmmm, baby, isolate me harder
  • how do you say “crystal ball frapp = gross peach milk” without saying that?
  • californiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

my friends, march is over and somehow the year is flying by in a way i didn’t expect it to. i can’t tell you why i didn’t think it would. i’m trying to save the semester at the moment and oh, oh. the toll it is taking is huge.

in any case, i’m still here. another month, another march.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | feb ’18

february was twenty eight days of me wondering when the weather will be warm again. i had a couple of moments that mad me apprehensive about the rest of my life forever, but i’m still here and that’s all i can ask of myself. what am i doing this summer? nobody knows! here’s february.

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this month…i remember very little. and it’s not because i’ve been belligerently intoxicated nor is it because i’ve suddenly lost my memory, but because this month has been more of the same and i find myself having less and less to report. i went to fewer shows this month, got sick for half of the month, and did more work for the band than i have in a while (did anyone tell you how stressful it is to book a tour? because it is stressful as all hell). i think it’s because i spent february looking into the future – i’m trying to plan the summer and also the rest of my degree, but the stress that makes me want to never come out of my blankets always creeps up on me, and suddenly it’s depression naps like i never expected.

i did a poem called bees on the last day of the month. it was the bees knees and i loved it.

i do remember that i listened to a good amount of music this month. stay tuned. one morning saw me waking up at 5 am and listening to lana del rey’s born to die: the paradise edition twice over for no reason other than because i was awake. it reminded me of september 2016. can you believe it’s 2018?

i sometimes wonder if i could look back on february and remaster it like an old album. what songs would i add more reverb to? probably to anti-prom, yelling car seat headrest’s drugs with friends; maybe i’d reverse the night i spent in bayville for a couple of hours; definitely delete the day i realized how sick i was getting. i hope this isn’t one of those forever sick sicknesses. anyway. february was a song that is track six on an album – good, but not too good. i’m okay with it. 2018 is still a good album. like, frank ocean good.

tunez n vidz

idk why i don’t watch much youtube anymore. i think because it’s become more and more of a cop out. i don’t know. here’s some tunez and a big gif i enjoyed this month.

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i think i saw the world turn in your eyes

we are just victims of the contemporary style

snippets of internal monologue

  • please burn the flowers i got you. please burn them. burn. please
  • you know, i’ll be really pissed if he gets arrested. but also, not my business?
  • STOP YELLING AT ME THAT I’LL FIND SOMEONE I DIDN’T ASK
  • what if we cancelled…everything

be young, be dope, be proud. bye, february.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | jan ’18

Finally, January is ending. This month has dragged like and held on to me like a child who hasn’t yet learned object permanence. I’ve spent too much time in pharmacies this month, and too little time in the gym. I miss the gym. Is endorphin withdrawal a thing?

This is coming to you late because I spent the first day of February in a hospital. Happy antibiotics appreciation month!

January started and ended with illness, but the in between was pretty much alright. I got my ears blown out at basement shows and danced around my room with old and new friends. January treated me kindly, for the most part, and I’m grateful for the lessons learned. Most recently, that sometimes you have to go to the ER and it’s not great. I saw my favourite band in the front row right on the barrier, and I will never be the same after freezing my ass off in New York City for ten hours prior to the show. When the weather gets below a certain point, my toes remind me of an ill-decided run on new year’s eve. It was worth it, but sometimes I think I actually have frostbite, and then it seems not so worth it.

Anyway, it’s been a good month for my brain despite the crazy dark days that happen in the northern hemisphere, and I’m waking up at 6 tomorrow. Let’s get to the good stuff.

tunes and vidz

my girl eats mayonnaise from a jar while she’s getting blazed

the part where he goes lalalalalalalala is the best part.

and i could not muster the courage to say a single word 

snippets of internal monologue

  • ok but…how do i say…you are the most perfect person to exist without saying that?
  • oh no. i do want to make them pancakes.
  • no gatorade? big problem
  • but who will help my tiddies

Lads, it’s a shorter one this time around because I am tired. Also, I’ve said what needs and wants to be said. Should be enough. Also, I’ve been on this blog for five years this year. What?

love and light,
shalom xo