An Open Letter To You All

Dear friends,

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Granted, most of it is hungry 2AM thinking that shouldn’t count, but it’s thinking, so it does. I’m on vacation (what’s the difference between holiday and vacation?)! I have 36 (including weekends) days left, and after a really long time of doing nothing, (read: browsing the internet and lying on the ground) I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t like having nothing to do.

But Shalom, you say, you DO have things to do! What about that YouTube channel of yours that you so excitedly started over here? Ah, well, here’s the first part of this letter:

PART ONE: BEING A YOUTUBER IS HARD WHEN YOU DON’T OWN A CAMERA

I feel like the title is self explanatory. I shall be uploading and apologising again tomorrow, and I’m sorry if anyone was (is?) actually waiting in anticipation to see it. I hope it’s satisfactory. This is not how I wanted this blog post to go so I’m stopping part one.

PART TWO: WE NEED TO LIVE MORE

Partof my nothingness time hasbeen spent on Ella Grace Denton’s blog, We Need To Live MoreNote: I feel really strange about calling her Ella in this post, but I’m going to do it anyway. Cringe. Ella is twenty years old and extremely insightful and fantastic. I feel like a school teacher writing comments on a frightened child’s report card. Cringe again. Cringes aside, I’ve spent a lot of time on WNTLM and I’ve come to the agree with her. We really do need to live more. Yes, another teenage girl is being a cliche and writing about happiness and experiences and such. Come to think of it, it’s really difficult to NOT be a cliche. You do what you’re expected to? Cliche. You do something overdone? Cliche. You do something completely different? Oh, look! Other people want to try it out because it seems positive! You’re a cliche.

Less about cliches and more about Ella, she gives all sorts of tips and advice and recipes and all in all, cool things to possibly make your life more awesome if you try them. I advise you all to give it a look, and do something different today or tomorrow (today, because tomorrow never comes). Thus ends part two!

Kidding. You can follow Ella on twitter and instagramNow it’s done.

PART THREE: I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO CALL THIS PART

You’re a cool person. And life can be so crap and awful and I’m so sorry because it’s really important to note that regardless of anything you have EVER done, you never deserve to feel like you are unimportant, unloved, or unworthy. Mistakes get made, and some people never get that. But you know what? At the end – or whatever time suits you- of the day, you’ve got to tell the haters to back the hell off. Why? Because you’re fricken’ magical and anybody who tries to hurt you sucks. They suck more than I suck at combing my hair. THAT’S A LOT OF SUCK.

I think that so many people forget how much life there is in them when the life around them gets shitty. That’s not very beautifully phrased, but I can’t think of a better way to say it at 11:42 PM. Look, what I meant to say through this letter is that you should believe in your magic. God damn, I believe in your magic. I believe in my magic. This is rare, because for me, believing in myself is a hard thing. I have 35-ish days before I head into my final year of high school, and I’m going to try my darndest to believe in and act on my magic. The magic is real, people. The magic is your dream of going to the sea by yourself, your first mirror selfie, the second CD that you bought and the feeling that you get when you scream. That’s magic.

Believe in yourself and have a time while there is time.

With Magic,

Scoot X

Dare – More Angst. (Really, Shalom?) (Yes.)

Hi! I’m feeling super angsty and I keep writing these break up posts even though I have absolutely zero break up experience. Hence the melodrama, I think. Here’s another. Yay!


How dare you come into my heart? How dare you claim ownership –falsely! – over the only thing that I truly own? How dare you come, fleetingly, and leave marks like foot prints in the sand, in your opinion? Let me assure you, my heart is a Persian rug and you were, are, wearing those caterpillar boots with soles laden with mud and heartbreak.

How dare you make me think that anything was for you? It was all for you at one point, all points! Everything – how dare you make me believe in me because of a couple “you’re beautiful”s? How dare you?

How dare you allow me to think that good things come from you and nowhere else? How dare you crush anything that was alive and call it “housekeeping”, who told you my heart needed to be kept? How dare you, you and your empty words and “no promises” mantra. How dare you leave when you thought you’d cleaned up enough?

My carpets are dirty and the curtains are hanging off the railings. How dare you.

To whoever dares come after, some words:

Stake a claim in my heart, or get the hell out.

Amanda Torrini


 

That’s all. I’ll be back soon, I hope.

All my love,

-Scoot xx

Scoot on ~ reunions

There’s something about seeing people that you haven’t seen in a long time.

I generally get attacked by nostalgia when I’m least expecting it, and it gets me subtweeting and drinking copious amounts of tea and eating all of the noodles in my house. I’m not extremely fond of it, but I don’t entirely regret or hate it. Simply because reliving memories can be wonderful. It can be so lovely to remember the things that once made you smile, laugh, cry and almost run naked in the street – the usual.

Anyway, today I met with my class from my old school. I’d been in that class since 2012 until June this year when I moved schools, and not much has changed. Except the dynamics. Today there was so much love, and food and chocolate milkshakes and joking. I met up with people who had survived exams, just like me (kind of, I’ve still got two to go). I took bad selfies with good looking boys (because they’re the only kind I can pull off) and I got a Christmas present from two lovely girls-one who I’ve become extremely close to this year through failed maths tests and direct messages on instagram.

I’m so glad that I went. I took matching selfies with a girl who I kind of lost touch with – remember Jess? We kind of call ourselves “lovers rekindling an old flame”. Let it be. I also took selfies with her boyfriend who was really polite this time (thank you Seth 🙂 ) and they were quite funny.

I told jokes and we all laughed, and I had a grand time. And I thought for a moment, that maybe 2014 hasn’t been so bad. Dwelling on those thoughts made me think of the bad, though, so I stopped. I think that we’ve all come a long way, from counting down to 2014 with then-boyfriends and making promises to ourselves that the universe just didn’t let us keep. Some dangerous nights and lovely days later, we find ourselves here: five Fridays from 2015.

Here are some things that made me happy about this reunion – the first, and hopefully not last I’ve been to.

This is me and Jess. She's very beautiful and intelligent and great.

This is me and Jess. She’s very beautiful and intelligent and great.

THIS IS REBECCA SHE IS THE COOLEST AND LIVES DOWN THE ROAD FROM ME AND LENT THE ENTIRE HARRY POTTER BOXSET TO ME PLUS SHE LOVES CATS

THIS IS REBECCA SHE IS THE COOLEST AND LIVES DOWN THE ROAD FROM ME AND LENT THE ENTIRE HARRY POTTER BOXSET TO ME PLUS SHE LOVES CATS

IMG-20141128-WA0038

This is Annemieke, my maths buddy. LOVE.

This is Annemieke, my maths buddy. LOVE.

Luca = attractive. Me= hfsgj

Luca = attractive.
Me= hfsgj

This is Seth and I :)

This is Seth and I 🙂

IT WAS A STACHE BASH

IT WAS A STACHE BASH

This is it. The end. Happy and eyebrowed.

This is it. The end. Happy and eyebrowed.

I’m filming for most of tomorrow! Hopefully, by Monday, there will be moving pictures of me on YouTube. Thank you for all of your continuous love and support.

Love and affection,

Shalom x

YouTube and Lashes (Not the eye ones)

Am I a bad blogger? YES I AM A BAD BLOGGER.

This reminds me of a time when my English teacher (phenomenal woman) begged for forgiveness and then got on her knees and gave herself twenty make-believe lashes for accidentally cancelling appointments with some students.

I won’t be giving anyone any lashes.

On the real, I really am sorry for not posting at all! November comes at the worst time: NaBloPoMo, The Most Important School Exams I’ve Ever Written, Troye Sivan and Caspar Lee Coming To SA But I Can’t See Them Because I’m Writing Chemistry…the list goes on. I’ve been ridiculously busy and haven’t been able to get much done because I’ve been studying…but I haven’t gotten much studying done either?

In a word: bruh.

In any case, my YouTube channel is under construction! I’m officially starting on December 1st and I’m feeling all the feels, people. I feel a little weird, but mostly full of anticipation: there shall soon be a YouTube account that people will see me be awkward on and laugh and IT’S SUPER GREAT.

I+know+that+feel+bro+_f8bc5de9674fd54f1dc1cad678f774da

I’m super excited because this is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, and even though it’s going to be more work on my part, I feel like it’ll help me get more organised? Yeah, mapping out schedules that’ll go out of the window in a week – that’s my area of expertise, yo.

I’m going to be posting more regularly now that I only have FOUR EXAMINATIONS REMAINING (YASSSSSSSS) as well as a schedule in the pipelines- I’m really proud of this schedule, and if it would come to life and stop being a ninja turtle, it’d be great.

I’ve spent the better part of my day choosing channel art and convincing myself that I didn’t do too badly on my Drama Theory exam. Thank you to everyone on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter who have put up with my 12 “Should I really do this?” posts. I really appreciate every single bit of motivation that I get.

Love, excitement, and everlasting internet,

Shalom X

A Walk & Some Thoughts

Just to clear something up real quick: I posted this thing last night with thoughts and pictures and jokes but then it deleted itself. So, thuis is what you get now. Sorry, friends.


 

I went for a walk, stole some flowers and panicked about my history exam. Pictures:

Consciously yours & consciously sorry,
Shalom X

The Truth About Love

Okay, in brief, here’s where I’ve been over the past 2 (?) months:

Me: *tries to get grades up* ufffffffffff

Me: *tries even harder* ufffffffffffffff

Me: *STILL CAN’T DO THE THINGS*

me: *cries softly*

Me: *CRIES LOUDLY*


Exams start in two days, and I’m really stressed out, but not more than usual. After attempting a practice test for my maths exam that I (a) felt good about and (b) PREPARED FOR, I managed to score a grand 12 per cent. Not even a little bitof an exageration: 12/100. Wonderful.

I’ve spend the last week living at my darling Mouse’s house (her name is Caitlin, and she is by no means a rodent), waking up and getting ready in 12 minutes, eating breakfast and petting three cats at a time. In addition to the fantastic all vegetarian food I was provided with, there were also those teenage girl darkness talks. About all the things. Just to clarify: niether of us was naked, no pillows ripped apart during the glorious pillow fight, and all action was PG-12L. Sorry.

On my last day there, after countless conversations about girls and boys and cute butts and fish and Teen Wolf, we spoke about love. And London. We matched up all of our friends with cities where they could possibly potentially find the love thing (Italy, Cape Town,Amsterdam, ANYWHERE) and then we spoke about ourselves.

Now, call me selfish, but everything that comes out of this girl’s mouth is GOLD (okay, maybe not everything) so I was listening intently. A part of the conversation went like this:

Me: I’m going to Indiana. But should I be? *teen girl insecurity things ugh*

Mouse: *deep in thought, nodding*

Mouse: Mmmm.

Me: I think I need to go to Europe.

Mouse:Yes.

Me: Where would  I begin? Will I even be happy? *strange noises* What if everyone hates me?

Mouse: London. Definitely London, to start. And then you can work your way around to (place I can’t remember) and (place I can’t remember) and Liverpool.

Both: LIVERPOOL.

Mouse: I feel like you’ll go to London and meet a boy, maybe, who will think you’re the most interesting creature he’s ever come across. And he’ll be the one you wrote in the book. (I wrote an imginary boy. That’s all.) It takes a specific person to love you, Scoot. And I think you’ll find that person there.


WHAT IS THE POINT?

1) I had a great time.

2) The truth about love is that it takes a specific person to love you. And sometimes, you’ll need to go somewhere to find that person. I think you’ll find that person there. Even if that person is yourself.

This has been the most clichéd blog post I have ever written, I think. But I’m trying to do this NaNoWriMo thing and write despite exams, and be open and real and I’m feeling VERY TEENAGE GIRLISH AND I’M BEING OKAY WITH IT, OKAY?

That’s all I’ve got. Thanks to Matt Black for reminding me about NaNoWriMo, even though I’m twenty-four and a bit hours late. Day one and two, all smushed into 300 words of teen girling.

All my love,

-Shalom X

A Tribute

This is a tribute.

A tribute to every single human being in the universe, everybody who has ever experienced death, a tribute to anyone who has ever breathed his or her last, a tribute to a person who is alive.

This is a tribute to Ndaba Ndlovu, the little boy who was killed by his mother when I was in grade 6. A tribute to Jake Kritzinger who left us on August 1st last year. To Jennifer Fields, the six year old daughter of my science teacher who went into cardiac arrest. To Mekyla Viviers who took her life on June 21st 2011.

This is a tribute to my mom, who has seen incredible pain. A tribute to Muadi Ilung for passionately blow drying her hair every day. A tribute to Jessica Craven for shamelessly loving science. To the two people Russia who visited my blog. To Tanya Meyer, for finding herself. To Meghan Duran and Jessica Baylis for living with me. To Allison Beachy for running four miles last week.To Phoenix Falconer for making a video with me on grade eight camp. To Taynita Harilal for not being captain, but for being Tay.

In my year and +- four days of blogging, I have found out some extraordinary things. I’ve found out that the darkest days have light in them. I’ve found out that life can end without anyone’s permission. I’ve found out that getting up is sometimes he only way to stop dying. I’ve found out that some pain doesn’t go away.

Penultimately*,I have come to this conclusion:

As people, we are constantly moving. In and out of this world, through phases, to bigger and better things – we move. Always. Tanya Meyer once delivered a speech that began: “We live, we die, and in between there is time.” And friends, that’s the biggest deal. There is time. If you’re reading this, the chances of you having the same life experience as a six year old that were cut ridiculously short are slim. But you have had your own. We don;t all get the same amount of time here on this planet, but we do have a little. A lot can happen in a year. A lot can change. Suddenly, your best friend isn’t so close to you anymore, and suddenly,some people have been dating for two years, and suddenly, you move schools, and suddenly, you gain weight. The beauty of this lies in the time it takes, whether, in hindsight,  it is considered to be wasted or not. There is life, there is time, there is hope, there is death, there is love,there is light. There is.

Am I sure? Hell no. I am sure, however,that this year of blogging has helped me to believe in what I say more. Thank you for being here, and well done for living. Here’s to another year.

All my love, Shalom xxx


* credit goes to Jessica Craven for teaching me how to use the word penultimate properly, even though it was a conversation about who the head pimp was.

Blue Monday? FOR WHO

Hi everybody! Okay, I have some confessions and excuses to make:

  1. I’m very lazy
  2. My internet has been really slow
  3. School has been ridiculous
  4. Transcribing interviews is hard
  5. I’m lazy

Now that I’ve declared my reasons for not posting ANYTHING in almost EVER, we can move forward!

I’m not a person who achieves much on regular standards. This, in turn, leaves me a lot to struggle with and little to be proud of – I mean, who am I, finally taking a shower, in comparison to someone in my grade who already has university acceptance? I don’t do much. I have a friend who thinks I do everything (that’s you, Jess), but I really don’t. Even if I do more than the average teenager does, I’m not on par with everyone or anyone. It’s as if I was born with BELOW AVERAGE stamped on my right wrist.

Today is Monday. I’ve had a good Monday! For those of you who are new subscribers (is that the WordPress word?), I have some bad days. Seriously. I know that some of you are probably SO ANNOYED by my extremely depressing rants and seemingly ridiculous panic attacks, but writing is the only way I know how to deal with them. So…yeah.

About today! I took a magnesium supplement (because I couldn’t get my real drugs *insert drugs face here* ) and had some coffee before I got to school this morning. I was late for school. My hair wasn’t tied up correctly and I felt like I was walking around with a sign with the words: “DETENTION, PLEASE” on it.

I didn’t get detention.

And so begins my list. I’ve had a good day, and I think that too often we take good days for granted. Maybe *teen girl philosophy alert* we are too comfortable and simply expect another day. Maybe it’s because we haven’t all experienced days when it really seems like the only way to make the day better is by stopping it, and ourselves completely. Maybe we just don’t give a damn.

Whatever your reasons are for or for not appreciating the good days, they’re probably valid in some sense or another.I just think that it’s really important that we remember what we have, or how great we are, or how much it takes to get up (high-five to you for getting up!). So, without further ado, here is my list of things I’m proud of/ happy about/ grateful for:

  • My anthology mark – huge English project (read here) that I got 94% FOR! (In South Africa, that’s an A+.) YASSSS
  • My friend who recently survived a suicide attempt
  • Same friend who is currently KICKING HER EATING DISORDER’S BUTT
  • Myself for having great posture all day
  • My Pinterest board called ‘Surviving High School’
  • My sisters
  • A girl I met today named Alexa
  • YouTube
  • Jessica Craven
  • Magnesium supplements
  • Cleaning my room (YAASSSSSSS)

Add some more stuff, and there you have it. I’m glad to be alive today, guys. In the words of my English teacher,

“Keep the hope alive.”

All my love,

-Scoot xx


IT’S ALMOST BEEN A YEAR

 

S-a-t-u-r-d-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-y

Aloha, Scootonerinos!

That, friends, was a Louise SprinkleOfGlitter referenece. I think I’m starting a Youtuber greetings pattern here.

I’ve been really busy, and it’s quite ridiculous seeing that the things I’m busy with are little things that should not take too long to complete. Except if there are exactly 43 million of those little things that follow you everywhere. I’m not kidding, this grade eleven thing follows me into the shower  (don’t forget your physics assignment), into the bathtub (did you really think that your essay was due tomorrow?), under the blankets (oh, yeah, that rehearsal is today), and even in my tea. My schoolwork is working its way into my tea, and I can’t drink a hot beverage without thinking about the fact that I have an anthology due in two weeks.

On the topic of the anthology:

How it  works: You’re given free range on topics and you have to choose one that (a) you enjoy, (b) you can relate to, and (c) you pray you’ll finish. The project is assigned in January and is due in August. You have to write a preface of  1000 words, compile 3 songs, poems, fiction extracts and non fiction extracts, and write your own original poem, all related to your topic. The reading takes a while. The writing takes longer.

How it works for me: I only have to do one of each category, seeing that I joined the school about one and a half months ago. It’s a pleasure to do – my title is Life, Interrupted. It’s about fully functioning in a ‘functional’ society while living with mental illness. IT’S EXCITING. It’s also due on September 15th, the same day as a speech for Drama, and the week after my history project is due.

ABOUT HISTORY AT THIS SCHOOL

I’ve never failed a test. Okay, that’s a lie. I’ve failed math tests before, but that’s because I’m usually horribly useless at the numbers game, except if it’s the maths used to create the graphs John Green made use of in the novel, An Abundance of Katherines. You can read about it here. I failed a history test at my new school, and I’m not blaming it on adjustment issues or whatever. The thing is: I don’t fail history. EVER. I failed thoroughly though, not a half-assed fail. 19/50.  38%. THIRTY EIGHT.

After a discussion with my teacher (generally knows what’s in the textbook and doesn’t know much other than that) and the head of department (knows stuff and seems to love history a lot) they concluded the following:

  1. I haven’t been taught to think in the correct way
  2. I have a limited vocabulary
  3. My old school must have had a low standard of teaching

Problems I have with their observations:

  1. what?
  2. what?!?!????
  3. oh hell no – what??

Yeah, that happened on Thursday and I’ve never been so angry in my life. I don’t think I have – I even cried (?) so I think that that’s an experience that I’m forever going to hold with me. Hopefully, my resentful sentiments change with time – like 20 years of it.

In other news: I HAVE 15 MOTHS LEFT OF HIGH SCHOOL!

Today is also day 100 of my #100happydays challenge. I’m having very mixed emotions about it. It’s also also my smallest little sister’s 13th birthday today! That’ll take some of the attention off and I’m truly grateful for that. This is her on the day I got Getrude (laptop). Selfie game level 43 000: taking the first pictures on a new computer that isn’t yours.

picture015

 

I’m tired, people (and anything else reading this – there is a Dog with a Blog so we can’t be discriminating here). It’s 1:18 in the morning and I fixed the printer and have a planner for September (?). Here we go!
Screenshot (68)

 

Later/whatever/other teenagerism

-Scoot xx

 

EXCITING NEWS.

So I’m bubbling with excitement to tell you all some things that could be fairly AMAZING for this blog 😀

I’ve been thinking of doing some sort of a series for a while now, and I am pleased to announce that I will be starting my art[i]st series next week! Eek!

Basically, I have a line up of interviews with some of the most amazing creative minds that I’ve been able to come across, and I’ll be publishing the result of those interviews here. It sounds really boring when I phrase it like that, but it’s very kick ass, believe me.

I can’t wait to get this going! Links to all of the interviews will be found under the art[i]st tab in the headline bar, next to “Posts and Such”, and the art[i]st category will also contain these interviews!

SO MUCH EXCITEMENT

-Scoot xx


 

ps it’s my birthday party tomorrow i.e. cause for panic :s