but did you die?

(short answer: no. i didn’t.)

hello my friends hello! it’s been a bit of a long time but i’ve gone back to my scheduled programming of losing my mind a little bit. it’s a bit better than the depersonalization-derealization disaster of fall 2019, but now i’m struggling to get out of bed again. eh. anyway, here’s what you missed on glee:

  • derek (the boy) and i celebrated a year together in portland, oregon, and it was lovely. we saw a lot and walk-hiked a lot and ate a lot.
  • i started an internship that makes me feel like an adult. i work hard, and a lot, and i am proud of myself. it’s rad. here’s me on my first full day:
  • i hade the best new year’s eve i’ve ever had. i danced and i laughed and i drank my wine. i felt so at ease with the passage of time. for the first time in my life, i wasn’t worried about the day being over and a new one starting. i was surrounded by friends and deep loves of mine, and i drank it in. i’m pretty sure i was really good at pong that night, but who knows.
  • emily (the other half of my brain) moved to italy for four months! she’s studying abroad and is living a dream. i have never been happier that a single person is in florence.
  • i almost gave up on writing because i felt so out of practice. i wanted to tell stories and i wanted to inspire change and i wanted so much but i am… lazy? depressed? a bad writer? all of the above? who knows, this was likely taken during a breakdown about the loss of the one skill that i ever felt good enough at:
  • i have fallen into a deep depression after the most consistent good mental health year of my life. i’ve been crying a lot, and struggling to eat, and staying in my house because i don’t want people to see me crumbling. derek’s been a godsend, and shit has been hard (the band i played in broke up – or something, i’m not really sure why – and i miss the structure and consistency of bonding over vulnerability and music) but anyway here’s a picture of me in a good mood even though the cupcake store was closed:

the point is, a lot has happened but i didn’t die. i’ve been thinking about what i told my 18 year old self years ago: the future is bulletproof, even if you are the gun. even if your your finger is on the trigger. even if you want it to end. the future can hold you. it can bring you lessons. it can bring you joy. the future is bulletproof, and there is so much for me there.

there is more for you, too.

love and light,
shalom xo

immortalizing love

in the moment that i realize i love him, i am sitting up on my bed and he is diagonally across from me. i tell him, “i really like you”, and he says “i think you’re looking for a stronger word”. it’s the first time he’s right. he’s right nearly every time after. and when he’s wrong, he’s the first to say it. he’s the first to say that i’m right when i am. how lovely it is to be reminded.

on the day before his birthday, we are cruising down the highway in his minivan, and ribs by lorde is playing. he smiles at me, and i tell him to keep his eyes on the road. his smile widens and so does mine. in this moment i become aware of the fact that i want to love him forever. i decide when the lyric “it’s not enough to feel the lack” plays, and for the first time i am thoroughly sure of what i want to do with my life.

when he goes hiking a couple states away i convince myself that he will be eaten by bears. he makes it back like he said he would, and we celebrate two months of bliss wrapped in each other, arms a poem repeating a refrain that says “together is better if it is with you”. the words etch themselves into the deepest parts of me. it is always better with him.

after a rough patch, we are seated at a restaurant. he reaches his hand across the table, and i am scared to offer my own. i do it anyway. he always pushes me to be brave. on the way back home, his hand rests on the back of my neck. i feel like i’m floating. when we kiss later, i feel like i’m floating. i float on the feeling and land in the present: what a lovely time to be in when one is in love.

many things happen – we go to a wedding, we turn twenty one with each other, we dance in the basement of my old apartment, we sing fleetwood mac in the car, we eat copius amounts of sushi, we play with his dog, we go to the fair, we road trip to pittsburgh – and his hair grows and grows. i love his hair.

i love you more than i can write, more than i can ever hope to help myself remember how much. i love you with everything in me, with all i am, in any way i can, in any way you need. thank you for showing me what it’s all supposed to be like. thank you for helping me heal. thank you for being yourself. i always think that i couldn’t be more in love with you until the next day rolls around and i am. every day i love you more. thank you for letting me, and for loving me back.

love and light,
shalom xo

i listen to a lot of lcd soundsystem.

a lot.

when i wake up on saturday morning, “pow pow” by lcd soundsystem is playing in my head on repeat. it powers me through the shower that i don’t want to take and the breakfast that i don’t want to eat. the library awaits, and i leave the house doing high kness to “drunk girls” blasting in my headphones. the wires of them always happen to get tangled in my keys, but the lyric “i believe in waking up together” always seems pretty clear.

in the library, “one touch” is never enough. “people who need people to the back of the bus” reminds me of how hard it is to be soft in a hard world, and how badly i need to finish my pragmatics paper. “people who need people are just people who need people.”

at 2pm i am a person who needs people. the london session of “pow pow” marches me to the courtyard where kierin is, and they shake my shoulders and get me back on track. “with you on the outside, and me on the inside, there’s advatages to both” repeats while i stand in a semi circle but somehow still feel excluded. there is talk of iced coffee. i am interested. “pow pow!” off we go.

at the student center i drink my coffee in five minutes. i tell myself, “this is happening”. i tell myself, “finish your paper”. i tell myself “i can change“. i wonder if this is what it’s like to have all the good parts of mania without the bad. i tell emily i’m listening to lcd soundsystem on one of the most stressful days of my academic career. she says, “are you trying to feel like you’re tripping?” the short answer is no. the long answer is always.

walking down the street to my recent ex of a workplace to get burgers, i hear “north american scum“. i hear sirens and “it’s the return of the police!” i hear “all i want are your bitter tears” from the loud car that zooms past. “from now on, i’m someone different”. it never lasts too long. it always returns to the mean. we wait in the store for our food, our friends, our lovers. i tell them, “take me home.”

when i close my eyes, i tell myself that “i can change”.

when i wake up on wednesday the next week, “fresh” by tired lion plays in my head. it takes until 10 am for it to be lcd soundsystem again.

dance yrself clean

it’s a good morning in the house and heart of shalom. i woke up and watched derry girls, and then looked at my naked body in the mirror that came with my room – it’s an upgrade from the duct taped one in my old room – and shook myself out. i shook my arms and shook my legs and i felt like my body was mine. i felt like i had ownership of the thing that i had such a tumultuous relationship with, and even more than ownership – i felt connected to it. i felt like it was mine.

dancing has always been freeing for me. i’ve never been very good at it, see my ballet endeavors from 2011-2016, but i’ve always wanted to do it. and do it more. and do it without caring what other people think.

today i danced to lcd soundsystem with my naked body jiggling all over the place, and it felt good. and i danced to dance yrself clean and i felt clean. and i put it on repeat in the shower and i danced. and i danced.

dance today.

love and light,
shalom xo

i said hey, what’s going on

it’s been a minute and then some.

briefly, i am the busiest i have ever been, i have started new medication recently and it is a bit of a shit show, i keep forgetting to eat, i am so very busy, i am very deeply in love still, school is about to start again, and i am very busy. did i mention that i’ve been busy?

everyone is busy! and it is ok. but what’s not okay is the lack of work i’ve been putting into myself and my craft on account of my being busy. not writing just isn’t acceptable for me. and it’s been Months. months.

i’m very busy but now i’m in a band. and i play bass and sing and we’re having our first show on sunday and i’m so nervouse! i’m very busy but now i run the basement shows that i used to go to with wide eyes. i run this shit! i’m very busy but the boy who shows me unconditional love every day keeps doing it. and my friends are still my friends. and my to do list is so long and my table wobbles because i’m hopeless at building things (even a five piece ikea desk), but i am alright.

i’m overwhelmed. but i think i’ll be alright.

i think i’m gonna come back to writing. earnestly, like i need it, because i need it. i miss it. i also pay $18 a year for this silly little site, and i’d like to get my money’s worth out of it. here’s a look into thde last three weeks of my life:

and that’s that! for now! i want to write more i want to feel more i want to be more. i want more. is there more? is there enough ‘more’ to go around? i fucking hope so.

love and light,
shalom xo

shit is hard

i really meant to come back to writing, like, five months ago. and i didn’t because shit is hard — this shit is hard! i wanted to say so much but i couldn’t get the words to come out of my fingers in the way that i was happy to recognize as my own. idk. i’m here now and a lot of life has happened since february? january? either way, we’re here and i’d like to share, so.

mt. tammany

holy cow. so i climbed this mountain and cried twice while doing it. my boyfriend is super into hiking and camping and the outdoors, and i am more of a…how you say…stay where there’s air conditioning at all costs type of person. in general, derek takes me outside a lot more than i would ever take myself. he opens my eyes to all sorts of beautiful things and the joy he gets out of it is enough for me to do it anyway. but, back to the point – mt. tammany!

i have never gone hiking. prior to this escapade, the most green i’d ever seen was probably in a pantone color chart on tumblr in like 2013, or on a drive from maryland to pennsylvania where there were no people for miles.

when we were going up, i lamented every step. to be fair, i lamented almost every step on the way down. i was the worst. i complained about the sun, about bugs, about snakes – and all derek did was stand in awe of them. he sees the world through a lense that purely states the urgency of living. he looks at everything and thinks about how cool it is to just be there – he is present. i hope to be more present.

for weeks after the hike, i told people that it was the hardest thing i’d ever done. to be fair, i was so anxious that i thought i was going to die. i straight up made derek take my south african mother’s phone number in case anything happened. i was scared that every rock i put my foot on would slip, that the two snakes we saw would strangle me that night, that a swarm of gnats would fly into my throat – i was very stressed out. but i did it. shit was hard. but i did it.

it was beautiful, and i want to hike more. maybe next time in leggings instead of running shorts that are too small for me. maybe next time, after i’ve done a little more cardio. maybe next time, when there aren’t like a hundred people on the trail. but i always want to do it with derek. always with him.

love and light,
shalom xo

die young

this is cross-posted from the other side of paradise, a blog i wrote for class this semester.

every night, you’re terrified of what you won’t become.

i am. i am terrified of the space that lies between could have and have done. i am terrified of the day turning into the night without having anything to show for it except a sunburn. i am terrified of the chance that i have of being here and being nothing. i am terrified of potential and how heavy it weighs, so i run. i become a professional athlete drinking in every experience like it’s about to be the last bit of water before i reach the finish line. i run from the fear of not enough, and sometimes, i run fast enough to forget why i’m running.

the goal isn’t so much to die, but rather to remove the issue of not being remembered by not being here at all. everyone wants to be something, make something, leave something – but if you die young, your obligations become zero and there’s no expectation for you to. death is an option – a seemingly beautifully freeing option – but is it the answer?

perhaps. but maybe it isn’t. maybe there is more to life than the imprint you leave. maybe there is beauty in the simplicity of being. maybe being here, and being you, is enough. maybe being you is enough.

so, do you wanna die young?

love it if we made it

it is fifty four degrees in a small city in new jersey. the weather calls for a t-shirt and a light sweater. the students call for cow onesies and rosie the riveter costumes and rick and morty cosplays. it’s halloween and the semester is still heavy with promise, but halfway through, we all know how this works.

a kid on a skateboard zooms past in yellow shoes. he moves as fast as i’d like to. we both end up at the bus stop, and i try a smile at him. he smiles back, and i smile to myself. i wonder if he was smiling at me or at how fast he was going.

at the bench i find myself at, there are people as furniture. a girl sits atop a monument, and another sits oustside the english building. it feels like they haven’t moved for ages, typing away on their laptops and tapping their feet in tune with music only i can hear.

two boys play frisbee on the lawn and the boy in the grey sweatshirt jumps higher every time it comes his way. they switch sides and he continues to jump. he yells to his friend, “i’m consistent!” and he is. he’s consistent.

all of these people are in my mind as matty healy sings, “i’d love it if we made it”. i would. i’d love it if we made it.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | september ’18

zoo-wee-mama. zoooooo-weeeeee-mama.

hi friends! september has come and gone and a lot has happened. school has started and i’ve been blogging weekly for class and as such have neglected to overshare with you all. now, perhaps you see that as a blessing, in which case i’d ask you to leave now. because i’m back. back, and oversharing with a bang. into september!




this past month i listeneed to a lot of rainbow kitten surprise. i saw car seat headrest live in concert and almost cried my eyes out. i mean, at one point my glasses fell on the ground while emily and i were moshing and it almost went so so badly.

there comes a point where i can’t even remember what’s been happenening and i have to go back into my tweets to find out what i’ve been doing for the last 30 days. it’s been a fairly wild but also relatively tame month. we begin with sylly week, which saw me going out three or four times in a week and pushing my body to the absolute extreme. a blush pink dress with a blush bottle of wine leads to shalom returning home with her hair in a state at 8 am.

i started classes which are simultaneously stimulating and stupendifyingly stressful. my linguistics classes are rightfully kicking my ass and it is one hell of an event. i am coping, but barely. however, i am not on the verge of anything. not a breakdown, not immense success – i’m chilling in the grey area for a little while longer, and that’s okay. i have been struggling with some 2014-esque disordered eating thoughts, but i’m in two kinds of therapy this semester and i’m working my butt off trying to mend my broken brain. i’m trying.

what else? i went on a lot of dates, none of them fruitful. i dealt with my coward of an ex, i tried to wean myself off of my meds (which, admittedly, i should have done with a psychiatrist), and got my nose pierced. i got a real lil crystal in my face! cool!

let’s talk about music!

do you like me? circle yes or no

serving myself

i want to romanticize my headfuck

alright! internal monologue!

  • i’d like to make my shame count for something. same.
  • what do i think the song goes?
  • i’m a sad fuck, i’d like a quick hug

cool! that was september! alright!

love and light,
shalom xo

august ’18 | monthly me


okay. i am swamped. school just started up and i am beyond beyond it. there is a lot but goddamn do i want this consistency. so, my dear friends, this was august.


august was…

learning. i learned a lot this august. i spent a lot of it waiting for school to be back in session (and now that it is, i’m drowning) and i’m so happy to be learning again. i think i actually got over the break up this month due to me finding out some…things. idk. i don’t wanna get into it the long and the short of it is that exes are that for a reason. my housemates moved in and life got a little less lonely, and my friends are all incredible people doing excellent things. i’m growing to appreciate them even more, and i’m so grateful for it.

i learned some new songs on ukulele, started wearing my nose piercing again, danced a lot, saw my family, loved hard, and lived. i came to the conclusion that i love my life, because i made it. i made it and it’s here and it is mine. i love it.


nothing is forever, but don’t let it get you down

is it a good time or is it highly inappropriate?

snippets of internal monologue

  • if you die and leave your body but then come back then what
  • is a ukulele…just a…whiny bass?
  • the underwear sock monster

thanks for comin! see u soon!

love and light,
shalom xo