waltz for pony

tumblr_oiresb4Woz1ugp61po1_1280time is such a hungry beast / it swallows all my memories

twenty years on a planet is a short long time. so is twenty-two, and twenty-three, and all the other twenties that come with a second decade on this spinny ball. this isn’t the point. the point i’m trying to make is that no matter how much time you spend here, time always wins by stealing some of the things you hold dearest. memories, people, places – time is hungry and swallows them all.

you are my wildest witch come true / i love the way you love and move me

if you’re lucky, maybe two or three times in a lifetime, you get to experience an all encompassing type of love that shocks you more than the last one did. while i’ve been all sorts of unbearable on all the other parts of the internet, i’d like tot take this friday afternoon to be unbearable here. i am in the midst of the most splendid of loves, and i’d like to write about it because there’s nothing i do like write about my feelings.

my love is a wonder in himself; he is brave and caring, kind and understanding, and smart and free flowing. he believes in time and patience, and believes in love. he believes in love and believes in me, and friends, what a joy it is to have love itself believe in loving you.

he is the closest thing to purity that i’ve ever had the good fortune of coming across. see, purity as a blank slate is overrated. a purity born from experiences and mistakes, from a flawed person keen on a self understanding – this is the purity i’m interested in. i love him for his multitude of selves, for the ones he’s come to resent and the ones he wishes he could have back. i love him because he is purely himself, and because he is always changing to be better.

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like anyone, i love being loved. i crave the close touch of another, the tenderness that comes with the touch of pinkies. i would trade very little for the two a.m whisper of “i love you,” and even less for reruns of that 70s show with him. with him is my favorite place to be, which is a lot to say for a girl who makes a drastic move every two years (check my record). i love the soft sound that tells me that i’m beautiful, not because i don’t believe it otherwise but because i love the goosebumps i get from believing it. i love how my whole body reacts to words coming out of my favorite person. i love him.

it’s not just two of us, we’re three / you, the hungry beast and me

in this vingette of my life, it is me, my love, and time. and for the first time, i am not afraid of its passing. for the first time, i am excited to grow older. for the first time, i am excited to be here for longer. this time, the time is ours, and i love it. i love him.

love and light,
shalom xo

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finals szn

alternatively titled: finals szn is almost finally over
alternatively, alternatively titled: shalom is going to tank her comm final

i just gave my schedule a good reshuffling, and am now taking three on site and three online classes next semester. why? well, i’d really like to have professor stewart for comm theory but i can’t because it clashes with syntax, and if i take comm research over the summer instead it’s only two months of summer school instead of all four.

in brief, i’m avoiding studying for the final that i have in two and a half hours because i am anxious. it’s my last final and i need to get a B in it to keep my gpa where it’s at, but i also probably won’t because i won’t. that’s the way it’s going to go. probably.

i mean, i’m not opposed to it going splendidly. if it so happened that the only thing on the final was relationships then i’d be very pleased and could finaggle an A. but alas, that will not be the case, and as such my future is up in arms. i’m starting to panic about whether or not i actually want to be a linguistics student (the answer is yes, shalom, it’s yes – you can’t change your life path every time you have a dream that sends you into a panic attack) and about whether or not i can deal with three online classes (hopefully i’ll use my time wisely seeing that i’ll only have one physical class a day) BUT I SHOULDN’T BE. i should be out of bed and brushing my teeth and reviewing for my exam in an an two hours and twenty minutes.

my boyfriend is helping me move a desk and an ac unit tomorrow. i’m anxious about being the owner of an ac unit. my brain is so frazzled and i know very little about family communication. i’m also buying a bicycle soon. from what it looks like, it should be a very nice bicycle. remember when i would write for money almost consistently? i would love to be doing that again; then i could afford said bicycle. maybe i don’t need a bike. i just donated half of my clothes the other day, and i still have too much stuff.

it just dawned on me that i haven’t been taking my medication for the last couple of days. oh, brains are a funny thing. i’m off to put some wellbutrin in my body so my mind can stop running at one hundred. sorry for this mess.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | april ’18

well, let it pass, he thought; april is over, april is over. there are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.

– f scott fitzgerald, the sensible thing

it’s the same every april, my friends. except, this april, this quote means something different to me. april is over and i have experienced a new kind of love, one that has me believing that there really are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice. this is april.

april showers…

it rained a lot this month. we also, however, had many more brighter days which happily coincided with my desperate need for them. my mood’s been a lot better, i’m taking my medicine, my brain is behaving – i’m okay. this month was a bit of a shit show in terms of school, but i’ve made it to the end of it and i am so so glad to be able to say i survived it. this month i also did a very adult thing and went apartment hunting! i’m happy to say i’ll be signing for it in a little bit and that i’ll be leaving dorm life in a neat little chapter titled “sophomore year in america and all the nice and shit things that came with it”.

this past month i got a new journal, painted hydrangeas while drinking summer sangria, damn near cried over linguistics, found 3 random housemates, broke my headphones, worked out exactly 1 (one) time, suffered through the pain of my wisdom teeth coming in, stressed about the dental appointment i am yet to make to have them removed, made countless flashcards, decided to write again, and ate 3 (three) burgers. the second was the better burger.

april was not terrible. i spent all of it wrapped in a very tender sort of love that i hadn’t experienced before, and i hope to experience it for a long time. love is rad as hell. still don’t appreciate the “you’ll find somebody” speech that people would give me. all that aside, my love takes up mega heart and brain real estate, and i’ve found myself in a very happy place since adding him to my world. (thanks baby. i love you.)

good. that was april.

tunes

come over tomorrow, it’s that kind of evening
we’ll get mixed up on both sides of the ceiling

impatiently, as i wait for you

(this is a beauuuuutiful tune. it reminds me of drives (from the passenger seat) and a steady hand on my leg.)

count the headlights on the highway

(oh my soul, was this killer. it’s tiny dancer by florence and the machine, and it is a wonderfully crafted masterpiece.)

snippets of internal monologue

  • i would give anything to be in florida for a bachelor party right now.
  • just be cool just be cool just be — ah fuck.
  • but self neglect is just so much easier!
  • quit. quit like the lany song.

this has been april and it is up on time because the bitch is back. it feels good. however your month was, let it pass. open yourself to some of that new love, my friends.

love and light,
shalom xo

revolution

the movement of an object in a circular or elliptical course around another or about an axis or center.

my friends, i think i’ve completed a revolution around my old, faithful center: writing.

here’s the thing: i love writing, but i haven’t been able to. this isn’t a new problem, and i’ve rambled about it here before but i really would love to be a writer. i would love for this to be my job. i would love to share my thoughts until they didn’t scream about in my head all day, but writing takes time, and love, and energy. and recently, i’ve only had love. sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, i don’t know why.

yes, that’s a lana lyric.

in the spirit of coming full circle, a return to center if you will, i had a big cry today. i called my mom when it was midnight in her time zone and sobbed about how i didn’t feel myself. i cried about how stressful the last month has been and about how i wish more was happening because of the effort i was putting in. i cried about missed opportunities and about taking ones that weren’t right for me. i cried a ton, my friends. in short, i cried enough that i couldn’t cry anymore, and then it was done.

a forcible overthrow of a government or social order in favor of a new system.

not-crying shalom revolted against all the things that made crying-shalom, crying-shalom. i made some hard decisions, i apologized to my boyfriend for being a total ass while upset, i played some ukulele, and i decided to write. here’s why:

if there’s anything i know how to do, it’s write. if this is my art, then i have to protect it. if protecting it means seeing a revolution in myself, then so be it.

i’m writing again, even if it’s just like this. i have to protect my art.

[to my boy; thank you for bringing reason to my vulnerability. i love you.]

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | march ’18

in march, i got pretty low and then pretty high. i did some travelling, went out of my way to meet new people, fell in love, and tried to cry less. i cried a lot, but i definitely cried less than i could have. march madness is over, and here’s what’s left. welcome to what was, my friends!

so, march. march houses three birthdays in my family – please note that i’m avoiding a paper by writing this instead – and i missed them all thanks to a lovely little thing called the ocean. it was hard not being around for my mom’s 50th, but it was lovely to have been called in during the party. what else happened in march? jeez, the year is flying. there is a boy who i hope will be around for the longest of times. i do love him so. what else? march was the first month i ended without a roommate, and that was okay. the isolation that comes with being called crazy, not so much. i got pretty low, but lord knows that all it takes sometimes is a little chemistry play and an updose to fix a little dark patch. forever grateful to abilify and the work it does on my brain.

quick talk about how open i am about my brain: there is nothing to hide. i am still somewhat ashamed of how mental illness affects me – which is uh. a lot. it affects me a lot. – but i am trying not to be because…bitch, it’s literally not my fault. there is nothing i can do about it but continue to do all i am doing. i am doing my best and it has to be enough. sharing my mental health journey seems to come naturally to me because i’m a talker, and if i don’t talk about the big things in my life, well. well. anyway, i do. so. i’m gonna. that’s all.

music madness

i tried living without you but you’re my vice

hey, guys, i’ve got something on my mind
tick tock, can you take it for a while?

until love came in on time

snippets of internal monologue

  • wow i’m really just not going to graduate. wow. okay.
  • hey buddy, everything is on fire
  • mmmmmm, baby, isolate me harder
  • how do you say “crystal ball frapp = gross peach milk” without saying that?
  • californiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

my friends, march is over and somehow the year is flying by in a way i didn’t expect it to. i can’t tell you why i didn’t think it would. i’m trying to save the semester at the moment and oh, oh. the toll it is taking is huge.

in any case, i’m still here. another month, another march.

love and light,
shalom xo

open hearts club

alternatively titled, where the hell is spring?

friends, i’ve been on a mission as of late to keep my heart open despite all the very obvious reasons i should have closed it off…until i realized what a boring phase of my life i was setting myself up for. now, i’m not saying that you need gut wrenching heartbreak for life to be exciting, but i am saying that closing yourself off to experiences because of fear of said heartbreak will probably leave you bored.

it’s been a weird mix of weather recently, but i am doing fine. i have been doing a lot of things wrong recently – overwhelming myself, slacking on my medication, not appreciating my desk in front of a window – but i’ve been trying to keep my heart open. i think i’ve found that despite how icy out it my be, an open heart is always warm. i think the snow storms are over, my friends.

spring is making a very slow, but very anticipated appearance. the other day it was 7C (which is like…40?F?) and i was thriving in a tshirt dress, petting dogs and going to class, experiencing love in its fullness. i am ready for more days like that.

i am learning how to be the best kind of human, and i don’t know much about it yet. but my heart is open, and heaven knows that if there’s one thing i’m good at, it’s learning.

love and light,
shalom xo

washington dc in 24 hours

Hi friends. I’m decidedly perkier today, considering I have a train back to Jersey this morning and I am excited to do my laundry. Seriously, it was a mistake not doing so before break. In any case, I’m coming to you from a Starbucks in DC where I’ve spent the last day. Technically it’s just under 24 hours, but we’ll call it what we’ll call it. Here’s the trip!

Bri and I stayed in a lovely room full of light in the home of a wonderful family in Northeast DC. Surrounded by the Franciscan monastery and the Catholic University, our little nest in Brookland was so welcoming, especially after the night we had.

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We had lunch at what is probably one of my favorite spots now, Busboys and Poets. Busboys and poets has an extensive vegan and vegetarian menu (all so good) and such an incredible vibe combining culture with good food. There were books for sale and organic ketchup and it was everything I could have asked for in a tempeh panini and smashed avo toast. I love avo toast.

Seeing the sights in DC feels a little repulsive now. It’s definitely got something to do with the current administration, but I can’t help but be more aware of the city being something built on the bones of people. Idk idk idk. George Washington? Probably an okay guy. Also very racist. Slave owner. Kinda gross. Idk? Some things were cool to see though, like this church. Yes this church.

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We ended the night with an impromptu show, seeing Courtship, The Hunna, and Coasts. I have no photos because collectively, Bri and I had about 30% battery, so I kept my phone off until it was time to get home. One kicker of an evening minus the migraine that knocked me out not even halfway through the second band’s set. I spent the show mostly thinking about my lads and how excited I am to book them a big tour one day. One day soon, you guys. Let’s get carried away.

I’m nursing a coffee before getting to the station because I have a 9 am train to Jersey to be on. And you know, the more I think about it, the more I’m into these tiny trips. Granted, a three and a half hour drive and countless uber rides later, they don’t seem so tiny. I’m looking to do more of them, though. America is far too big not to go. Ya girl is gonna shut up and go.

love and light,
shalom xo

lighten up, buttercup

i started this post without any intentions. i haven’t even properly looked at the lyrics for buttercup, so i know i’m not writing prose for it, but i do think i’ll be writing something about lightening the fuck up.

i’m in quiet, tree filled suburbia for the next week (check maryland off the list of states) and i’m trying to regroup and recoup after the first half of semester that started well and ended quite horrifically. crash and burn horrific, my friends. it was me crashing and burning, and let me tell you that i could do with less scars on my body.

in any case, i’d like to call your attention to the fact that despite the very obvious baby breakdown i am going through, i will 100% be fine on my own. i think because i trust people so easily – and in turn rest in them fully when they say i can, even if they don’t mean it – many people believe that i’m incapable of being fine on my own. that’s funny to me in a totally not funny way. one, why? two…why? if i could and can survive moving across the ocean and living with my brain on a daily basis, why on earth wouldn’t i be fine on my own?

i’ve done much more difficult things than live without a roommate for the last two months of the school year. i’ll be fine, i’m alright, it’s my body. honestly, i don’t deserve the beating i put my brain through because of overthinking. she goes through enough thanks to chemistry, and it’s unfair of me to keep ruminating over things that will never help me in any way. really, it’s about time i lighten the fuck up.

lighten up, buttercup. get a hobby.

love and light,
shalom xo

wisdom from 23

my big sister turned 23 today! i miss her dearly, and because she’s very busy being an almost doctor and writer and all around bad ass, i’d like to share some lessons she’s taught me with you. more specifically, lessons that have been applicable to the last week of my life – what a trip, honestly. here we go!

  1. things fall apart, but you do not. bend, fracture, but do not fall apart.
  2. a good thing is not always the good thing for you.
  3. misconstrued relationships hurt more than you think they will, just because you’ve thought about them in a way that they are actually not. it sucks, but issokay.
  4. loving someone sometimes is not enough.
  5.  if you get heartbroken, there’s an ice cream and sweaty dance fix for that.
  6. the people who you choose to share your truth with aren’t people you choose lightly. more often than not, they are good. be good to them, too.
  7. if you consider yourself difficult to love, remember all the things it is easy for you to do, like love people.
  8. stick with yourself. whether it’s through med school or through a cross continental move, stick with yourself through it. a constant is refreshing.

i would go for twenty three lessons, but i’m pretty beat. my brain, she’s back to her scheduled programming of throwing me under the bus. it sucks a lot.

happy birthday, sharon.
i love you!

love and light,
shalom xo

don’t come home today

my good friend emily has a playlist titled the same, and it’s another gem.

when your insides feel heavy, there’s usually a place to drop your guts. the wombats have a lyric off their new album that says, it’s hard to keep my chin up when my guts are lying on the floor and today, march 5th, has been that in a day.

dear friends of the internet, my guts are lying on the floor, and i have nowhere to put them. when you think of something in one way and then have it deconstructed, then shredded, then incinerated, thinking of anything becomes a bit of a chore. i think i had a contrived sense of home here and today i was handed an eviction notice in the form of reali-tea that was too hot to handle. and now there’s tea on the ground and my guts are on the ground and oh god, please don’t step on the ground.

tender is the night for a broken heart. and a broken brain. the two are the same, you know.

look, i don’t know what i came on here to say. i pay $18 a year for this domain and i get to say shit. so here’s some shit that i’m saying.

a playlist:

love and light,
shalom xo