die young

this is cross-posted from the other side of paradise, a blog i wrote for class this semester.

every night, you’re terrified of what you won’t become.

i am. i am terrified of the space that lies between could have and have done. i am terrified of the day turning into the night without having anything to show for it except a sunburn. i am terrified of the chance that i have of being here and being nothing. i am terrified of potential and how heavy it weighs, so i run. i become a professional athlete drinking in every experience like it’s about to be the last bit of water before i reach the finish line. i run from the fear of not enough, and sometimes, i run fast enough to forget why i’m running.

the goal isn’t so much to die, but rather to remove the issue of not being remembered by not being here at all. everyone wants to be something, make something, leave something – but if you die young, your obligations become zero and there’s no expectation for you to. death is an option – a seemingly beautifully freeing option – but is it the answer?

perhaps. but maybe it isn’t. maybe there is more to life than the imprint you leave. maybe there is beauty in the simplicity of being. maybe being here, and being you, is enough. maybe being you is enough.

so, do you wanna die young?

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october ’18 | monthly me

i can’t believe it’s november. if you had to tell me that i’d experience half the things i have from january to now back at the start of 2018, i would probably have laughed with hope. i don’t regret anything that’s happened this year. not yet. october flew by and allowed me to solidify some awesome relationships that i’ll talk about later. again, it’s so strange to look back at last october and compare it to where i’m at now. this was october!

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emily and i

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gang’s all here

woah woah woah, lots of me in these pictures this month! this month was a relatively good month for body and self image. we went out to eat a few times and spent money supporting touring bands – we saw some good music. this month has been categorized explicity by emily and her roommates who i now have the privilege of calling my friends. i have spent many a night on their couch and cried in katie’s arms and talked politics with patrick and have been welcomed by chris, and it’s been the best thing i could ask for during this period. so, this is a post for the house. a love note, of sorts.

emily: you are my best friend. ever since you described me as your second brain, i’ve been describing you that way – i never know what i’m even thinking until i have you say it back to me. you are a light in a world full of things with the purpose to dim. you are fresh air on a stale wednesday night, you are fruit snacks when i have cotton mouth, you are the shiny penny on the sidewalk. i love you so much. thank you for october.

katie: i’ve never been able to almost adult with someone with the comfort that i do with you. thank you for conversations about cars and credit cards, and everything that comes with a katie breakfast. i love you tremendously, and your friendship means so much to me. thank you for brower brunch, for big hugs, for sweaters and jackets, for inside pockets, and for a real life expression of being true.

chris: christopher patrick, i do adore you. i do adore the way your mind works, head butting and all. i love the way you think, i love the way you flip an omelet, i love the way you clean the kitchen, i love the way you love isle of dogs. i am so grateful for your presence. i am grateful for your drunk yells and expressions of joy. i am grateful for your existence, and everything is better with you.

patrick: patrick, you know stuff. as someone who also knows stuff, i want to tell you that i appreciate you. i appreciate how you see people and you see through bullshit and how open your mind is. when i think of you, i think of fat sandwiches and all the conversations we’re yet to have. i think of all the love that everyone has for you. i think of all the things we’d endure for you. i think of all the ways we’d hold you up. we’ll hold you up. what a privilege to love you.

biz (bonus!): elizabiz, thank you for every slutty brownie (because i ate a bunch) and for every slutty everything else. i have been waiting for someone like you in my life for the longest time. i have been aching for a twin soul in the most crass of ways, and holy hell do you deliver. biz, you are so smart. so brilliant, and so deserving of good things. thank you for being around.

okay that’s that we are moving on to….

music!

tell me where you’re going, and is there room for me?

my character’s strong, but my head is loose

emily and i saw them live mid october, and i almost didn’t go because i got the tickets for someone else and i couldn’t go with them anymore. they were phenomenal. one hell of a show. emily, thank you for always pushing me to go.

my internal monologue this month was mostly about loving my friends, and the love notes for them here see to reflect that enough. yeah. that’s my internal monologue: “love your friends”.

love and light,
shalom xo

 

 

love it if we made it

it is fifty four degrees in a small city in new jersey. the weather calls for a t-shirt and a light sweater. the students call for cow onesies and rosie the riveter costumes and rick and morty cosplays. it’s halloween and the semester is still heavy with promise, but halfway through, we all know how this works.

a kid on a skateboard zooms past in yellow shoes. he moves as fast as i’d like to. we both end up at the bus stop, and i try a smile at him. he smiles back, and i smile to myself. i wonder if he was smiling at me or at how fast he was going.

at the bench i find myself at, there are people as furniture. a girl sits atop a monument, and another sits oustside the english building. it feels like they haven’t moved for ages, typing away on their laptops and tapping their feet in tune with music only i can hear.

two boys play frisbee on the lawn and the boy in the grey sweatshirt jumps higher every time it comes his way. they switch sides and he continues to jump. he yells to his friend, “i’m consistent!” and he is. he’s consistent.

all of these people are in my mind as matty healy sings, “i’d love it if we made it”. i would. i’d love it if we made it.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | september ’18

zoo-wee-mama. zoooooo-weeeeee-mama.

hi friends! september has come and gone and a lot has happened. school has started and i’ve been blogging weekly for class and as such have neglected to overshare with you all. now, perhaps you see that as a blessing, in which case i’d ask you to leave now. because i’m back. back, and oversharing with a bang. into september!

 

 

 

this past month i listeneed to a lot of rainbow kitten surprise. i saw car seat headrest live in concert and almost cried my eyes out. i mean, at one point my glasses fell on the ground while emily and i were moshing and it almost went so so badly.

there comes a point where i can’t even remember what’s been happenening and i have to go back into my tweets to find out what i’ve been doing for the last 30 days. it’s been a fairly wild but also relatively tame month. we begin with sylly week, which saw me going out three or four times in a week and pushing my body to the absolute extreme. a blush pink dress with a blush bottle of wine leads to shalom returning home with her hair in a state at 8 am.

i started classes which are simultaneously stimulating and stupendifyingly stressful. my linguistics classes are rightfully kicking my ass and it is one hell of an event. i am coping, but barely. however, i am not on the verge of anything. not a breakdown, not immense success – i’m chilling in the grey area for a little while longer, and that’s okay. i have been struggling with some 2014-esque disordered eating thoughts, but i’m in two kinds of therapy this semester and i’m working my butt off trying to mend my broken brain. i’m trying.

what else? i went on a lot of dates, none of them fruitful. i dealt with my coward of an ex, i tried to wean myself off of my meds (which, admittedly, i should have done with a psychiatrist), and got my nose pierced. i got a real lil crystal in my face! cool!

let’s talk about music!

do you like me? circle yes or no

serving myself

i want to romanticize my headfuck

alright! internal monologue!

  • i’d like to make my shame count for something. same.
  • what do i think the song goes?
  • i’m a sad fuck, i’d like a quick hug

cool! that was september! alright!

love and light,
shalom xo

super natural

i am back in the dining hall for the first time this semestser. there are some new signs and a salad bar by the deli counter, but it has stayed the same for the most part. brower is the same as i left it, but nothing else is.

there is no massive group, no excited screeching, nobody stabbing apples or carving words into bananas – i am by myself and i have changed since i was last here. and thank goodness.

i see a boy i know, one i had a crush on. i greet sam. he’s nice. i get sushi – i eat fish now – and sit back down, scroll through my phone to decide what tonight will be. sitting in my apartment on my bed, sitting in my friend’s house, or standing at a show. i haven’t made a choice. everything is choices here. will you eat the california roll or just the avocado roll? will you pick the tofu and the cous cous salad? will you come back even though your anxiety tells you no?

the answer is yes. california or avocado – yes. tofu or cous cous – yes. come back – yes. i am the comeback kid. i am the girl who went crazy and came back. i am the girl who crawled out of the world she felt trapped in and built a new one. i am the girl dancing in the front at the show, i am the girl without a roommate, i am the girl with that accent, i am the girl who is the other girl’s friend. i am. and i say yes.

say yes.

love and light,
shalom xo

august ’18 | monthly me

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

okay. i am swamped. school just started up and i am beyond beyond it. there is a lot but goddamn do i want this consistency. so, my dear friends, this was august.

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august was…

learning. i learned a lot this august. i spent a lot of it waiting for school to be back in session (and now that it is, i’m drowning) and i’m so happy to be learning again. i think i actually got over the break up this month due to me finding out some…things. idk. i don’t wanna get into it the long and the short of it is that exes are that for a reason. my housemates moved in and life got a little less lonely, and my friends are all incredible people doing excellent things. i’m growing to appreciate them even more, and i’m so grateful for it.

i learned some new songs on ukulele, started wearing my nose piercing again, danced a lot, saw my family, loved hard, and lived. i came to the conclusion that i love my life, because i made it. i made it and it’s here and it is mine. i love it.

tunes

nothing is forever, but don’t let it get you down

is it a good time or is it highly inappropriate?

snippets of internal monologue

  • if you die and leave your body but then come back then what
  • is a ukulele…just a…whiny bass?
  • the underwear sock monster

thanks for comin! see u soon!

love and light,
shalom xo

young

 

at least it’s cute that i tried.

hi friends. with this message, i am scraping by. a lot has happened in the last three weeks since we talked – i was heartbroken, found out some heartbreaking shit about my heartbreak, believed i was unworthy of attaining love – but i don’t think that anymore. time is just time and all we are are brains trying to understand themselves. and i’m doing a better job of understanding mine. with this, i’m scraping by.

i met a lovely lady on the train on the way to maryland. her name was judy and she told me about her life as an air force child, as a military bride, as another bride, and as the wife she is now and all the in between men that happened in her life. she made me feel a lot better about being dumped. where i’m at right now is that i’m really happy the whole thing panned out the way it did. i don’t wish i had loved less because that’s not how i roll, but i do wish i had super powers to make everyone honest. it’s cute that i tried.

i just wanna feel alive. and i’m taking my medicine and listening to good music, and i’m getting there. things are looking up and i didn’t get the job i was hoping for – which sucked – and school is starting soon. which, yes. thank everything.

this has been this. i’m scraping by.

love, from an air conditioned panera,
shalom xo

july ’18 | monthly me

what’s this? my once a month forced writing thing on time? yes, friends, it is on time. because i am bored out of my mind and have no clue how americans live through the summer every year. let’s begin with the wreck that was the month of july.

 

 

 

july is over, and thank the lord for that. in july, i turned twenty by the beach and had a mediocre time. in july i saw people i love and also got heartbroken. now, you may be wondering what the hell i’m going to do with all my previous outpourings of love for the boy, and the answer is nothing. i’ll leave them here because they were real, and real things deserve to stay. even when they hurt a little bit.

in any case, i got dumped. it sucked and i didn’t cry as much as i thought i would. i spent a lot of time and pain feeling the lyrics from fossa, mostly “let me know i haven’t opened up the floodgates again, to another man who controls the pain but never says anything”. pretty heavy. i love the song and it’s included in tunes of the month and nobody can stop me.

pain is a funny thing. i think most pain during breakups comes from harboring some emotion, like resentment or anger. the weird part happens when you’re not, and you’re still hurting. the pain of unrequited love is unlike any other. it is damaging and soul sucking and really fucking hurtful. it plays right into insecurities you’ve had since forever, and doesn’t stop if you harbor emotions. i’m not harboring anything, but i’m still hurt. it’s okay. you change your mind, but change is fine, we all move on, we all move on. (those are al bairre lyrics – a band i was near obsessed with when i was 15. anyway. more tunes of the month.)

tunez

if we learned how to live live this, maybe we can learn how to start again
it doesn’t have to be like this

loves

  • went on my first rollecoaster! i almost shat myself. it was a lot
  • mamma mia – here we go again. ugh. what a cast. what a moment. mamma mia
  • skirt i bought while thrift shopping. prepare to see it in the winter
  • aftermath of sweaty interviews. very sweaty, but the feeling of accomplishment is there

snippets of internal monologue

  • wait, what? ????
  • i would do almost anything to go to portugal again.
  • or maybe i could just. do it
  • things and money and ouch

yes. july.

love and light,
shalom xo

june ’18 | monthly me

those heavy days in june

when love became an act

of defiance

june bled into july in a way that i wasn’t expecting, and that’s half the reason i’m writing this in mid july. the other half is because i’ve managed to convince myself that i’m absolute rubbish at writing and that i should definitely throw out the book idea i had. so i’ve been discouraged too. but the middle of 2018 found many of us at a point that was discouraging – not being where you thought you would be at a certain point is discouraging. realizing that you haven’t moved as fast or as far as you would have liked is discouraging. in any case, we’re all still here, and disappointing as that may be at times, at others, it must be enough. it’s enough.

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here’s a picture of my neighbor that i took on june 5th that i really love. she’s lovely.

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in june my brain took a beating. i wanted to stop taking my medicine (that didn’t go well), i wanted to drop out of uni, i wanted to walk into the ocean, i wanted to stop feeling lonely. i wanted a lot, really. nothing too extreme, but i had a lot of want. my dear friend dora went on a trip to europe and i lived vicariously through her. it looked so lovely and i’m while you can’t read about it here, you can read the rest of dora’s words. (they’re lovely.)

i guess so much time has passed since june that i don’t really know what to say about june, unless we’re talking about june by florence and the machine, off the newest album high as hope. high as hope was released at the end of june and proceeded to tell a story that i had wanted to tell for a long time. florence welch has a way with words that twists them into my chest and allows my heart to form around them, all before ripping them out along with my heart with an outrageous belt at in the middle of a song.

so, as to disappoint you further, here are my favorite lyrics from each song on the album:

june: hold on to each other

hunger: at least i understood the hunger i felt / and didn’t have to call it loneliness

south london forever: we’re just children wanting children of our own

big god: is it just part of the process / jesus christ, it hurts

sky full of song: i want you so badly but you could be anyone

grace: i don’t tell you enough, grace / you are so loved

patricia: how’s that working out for you honey? / do you feel loved?

100 years: give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly

the end of love: i’ve always been in love with you / could you tell it from the moment that i met you?

no choir: and if tomorrow it’s all over / at least we had it for a moment

anyway, that was june. i felt a lot in the transition period between june and july. i hope to write more. hold on to each other.

love and light,
shalom xo

big magic

look, it’s a bit of a weird one.

i’m learning a lot leading up to twenty (less than two weeks now!) and a lot of it is due to me revisiting elizabeth gilbert’s big magic. big magic talks about living a life of creativity beyond fear, and about trust and divinity, and about taking chances and being realistic. but probably the most important lessons i’ve learned so far are about curiosity and the nature of inspiration.

curiosity: look, we need to stop relying on passion for everything. passion is great, but it’s really something you feel you have to do, like a blazing fire in your heart that you can’t put out. and it’s great to be passionate, but the problem is that creativity doesn’t always link up with passion. sometimes you can be passionate about something – so passionate – and never get the creative juices going for it (i’m gonna talk about that later). so instead, curiosity. curiosity doesn’t ask to be the all consuming fire that makes you want to wake up – it simply asks, “is there anything you’re interested in? anything at all?” – it demands very little but can reap big rewards. big magic at work, if you will. i think i’m trying to look at my curiosity as a gateway these days. not specifically as something i am using to get to writing, but rather something that i can consistently rely on to keep me busy. idle hands are the devils tools, and don’t even get my mom started on the dangers of an idle brain. long story short, i’m asking myself, “is there anything you’re interested in?” and then pursuing that thing, or those things. i’m doing it, and if they bring me back to writing, so be it. i know something will always bring me back to writing.

inspiration: well. inspiration is always looking for a home. be open. be ready. how do you do that? keep working on something, anything – even if you’re just curious about it. inspiration is always looking for someone to grab onto it and say, “yes! i knew you’d come around!” so be that person. open your heart. trust yourself and your creativity. trust enough to put your work out. trust enough to work at something.

these words all sound a bit fuddy duddy coming from me, who hasn’t done anything creative in weeks. they matter though, because i’m currently curious. i’m still doing stuff. and that stuff will bring me back here, because it always does. that’s big magic.

love and light,
shalom xo