venus | atlas

 

credit: wired / wired.com

atlas is a series based on the planet songs off of sleeping at last’s atlas: year one.
this is venus: a reflection on discovery and love .

The space between the tangle of limbs that we are is heavy with wonder and potential. I remember the first time I stood close enough to you to realise that I could see you, after years of telling myself that I would never find you. I checked and double checked every feeling I had, just to be sure, but there I was: leaning into the white-hot heat that you were and are; my calculations for naught.

Like this, bodies touching no longer a dream, I start to question whether this quest was worth what I set out for. I looked for you and somehow, despite my search, I was the biggest find of the search. Me and all one billion fragments of myself spun far out looking for whatever we thought could be you. I learnt that too many different focuses really mean no focus at all, and found myself caught up in the sparkly wreckage of everyone and everything else. Somehow, you saw me looking out. You pulled me into frame, and I wondered if I knew that I could see you. I saw you, but did I know I did?

Now, your legs draped over mine and our fingers knotted together, I see you. Without the charts to fill, without the measurements that I religiously held this search to and without mistaking you for a mass of dancing stars rather than the celestial superpower that you are, I see you. I am helpless for the most part. My undoing is my becoming, and I see you.

Together is a place with you. Here – together – I realise that what I’m saying, what I’ve been saying is that this has been an awakening. That you are my awakening.

Astronomy in reverse; it was me who was discovered.

mercury | atlas

credit:  nasa / https://www.nasa.gov

atlas is a series based on the planet songs off of sleeping at last’s atlas: year one.
this is mercury: a conversation with the self about progress & control. 


I don’t know what’ll be the catalyst. I don’t know what will make me feel different, what will undo the mass of doing that I have done within myself, what will change anything at all. I know that it must be something.

I am alone, and I am aware. As hard and as far as I run, I can’t seem to leave this bridge I’ve found myself on.  It’s as if knowing what I’ve done to get here is enough to keep me here. There is somewhere I should go, but here is enough. This is enough.

The control I have to stay here is enough. It is worth the loneliness and the atrophy, it is worth the way I fall over my words, it is worth the subjective truth I’ve created. It is worth the dissonance. I am dissonance.

As wide as I open my eyes – as wide as I try to – I know that there’s something else. There must be more, there must be something bigger, there must be some reason, some worth, some thing. Any thing. Anything. There must be more to me and to this loneliness.

I know that I know that you see me; desperate, if nothing else.

I am here. You are somewhere, but until I know what key to enter on, until I become aware of what I am or what this is, I’ll go anywhere you want me.

I’ll go anywhere you want me.

today i am depressed

not a fun one today.

these photos were taken by my webcam around 2:30 this morning  when i posted a lengthy post on facuebook regarding sexual assault and religion and queerphobia and femicide. i cried for three hours.

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i woke up at 9:41 this morning and i haven’t been able to get up. it’s 12:26 now. i’m wearing the same hoodie and i’m just tired. so tired. not sleepy tired, but depressed tired.

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granted, i am depressed every day. that’s my diagnosis. shalom has major and manic depressive disorder. okay. thanks to 300 grams of bupropion every day and a lot of experience with myself, i manage. i get through the days. i complete to do lists.

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today my to do list has groceries and taking my sister somewhere and writing and exercise and eating and studying. i know this because i wrote it out on Sunday night. i also know that i am already disappointed because i can’t do all that today. i can’t. i can’t get up.

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today i am depressed, and it takes a toll. today my body aches because of how hard i cried for women who are at risk for existing last night. today, i am writing this from my phone in my bed because i don’t know if I can get up.

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today is a lot.

love & light
shalom xo

tunesday take 5? 6? who’s counting?

Hello hello hello welcome back  to Tunesday happy Tuesday if you’re new to Tunesday here are some links  that’ll help you  understand okay on with the show!!!

imagine dragons – believer

second, don’t you tell me what you think that i can be
i’m the one at the sail, i’m the master of my sea

Believer was released earlier this year as the lead single off  Evolve (coming soonish?). Admittedly, I didn’t have this song on this list until about an hour ago after I watched the Riverdale season finale. The song is used excellently (though the finale was definitely weaker than the penultimate episode) and there’s something about the grittiness of it that’s getting me through a lot at the moment. Lotta pain here, y’all. Lotta believing.

4 non blondes – what’s up

trying to get that great big hill of hope / for a destination

I’ve been watching a lot of TV series recently, and I just started (read: have almost finished) Sense8. It is incredible. In the fourth episode, aptly titled What’s Going On, something has some people all having or hearing the same song – namely What’s Up by 4 NOn Blondes. I was listening to this in the store today, and I felt better than I have over the past couple of days. Honestly, what’s going on? Does anyone actually know? (Hint: no. Nobody knows. What’s going on?)

hayley kiyoko

 ease my mind

i need you to be here / i need to see you crystal clear

palace

dance in your colour, reflecting in your light
you’re my horizon, you’ll always paint my sky

To be frank, the last week and a bit has really been the week of Hayley Kiyoko. I’m a lil bit of a massive stan, and I couldn’t decide which of the songs that I’ve had on repeat to add to this list. Naturally, I’ve chosen the excessive path and left you two of my favourites from this week. Citrine is her best work and is available all places music is available!

Such has been Tunesday! I’m probably going to eat a heck ton of mac & cheese and then watch Sense8 and scream. Life has just been…a lot.

love and light,
shalom xo

dear men | honest letters #3

Oh boy.

Hello, men. Male human men. I have a lot to say to you, and less patience than I once thought. So, I’m going to tell you some things and I’d like you to bear in mind that this isn’t even half of what I’d say to you if I could address you all as a collective group. I know this letter comes across as though I am, but having this space on the internet allows me to do things I would never be able to do.

So, without further ado, let’s begin. TW: assault, sexual harassment

Men, you exist. You are real. Every. Single. One of you. You are real, and when a man is abusive, a rapist, a murderer, I see far too many things saying that “real men” would never do such. I’d like to pull your head out from under your “I know I would never do that”-shaped thought hole, and remind you that real men did that. Real men who exist are the biggest threat to women’s safety and life expectancy. Real men. Not the imaginary ones that you seem to never relate to, those evil guys! Real men. Like you. Your masculinity doesn’t give you a pass on decency. When you absolve men of any responsibility, you are standing by and letting it happen.When you create a defensive movement in response to a movement that was never about you (see #YesAllWomen & #MenAreTrash and vs #NotAllMen & #NotAllMenAreTrash), you are doing it for real.

Why are you offended by #MenAreTrash? Are you offended because you are not a trash man? Because you’ve never, and would never disrespect women? Because your ego is taking a knock? Because the statement makes you question whether or not you’re the nice guy that you claim to be? Look, #MenAreTrash isn’t about one man. It’s not about two or seven or a million. It’s a movement about the treatment of women in greater society.

We know that there are “good men”, we understand that not ALL men are trashy bigots. That’s not the point of the movement. In fact, “Not all men” misses the point every time. It [quiets] us [and] it’s an attempt to shut us up. It has to stop.

The “not all [insert problem]” argument is not constructive, it doesn’t bring forth any substance to the debate and it certainly doesn’t bring forth any solutions to the problems *womxn are systematically faced with.

Is it not relevant that the majority of [men] are raping, abusing, killing, disenfranchising, undermining, patronising, policing, pirating, mansplaining to and widely victimising *womxn?

Must we just pack up and go home, forget this is happening because “not all men”? So what are *womxn to do? Nurse our wounds, overcome your systematic oppression and also have enough energy to try to figure out who’s trash and who’s not?

-Thabi Myeni, News24

You are dismissing real life problems that women face every day because your ego is bruised. You are dismissing the fact that I have never, in my entire life, met one woman or girl who has not been sexually harassed or assaulted. You are dismissing the fact that no matter how many times you are told that catcalling is not a compliment, you do it anyway. Or you watch your friends do it. Men, you are real. You are a real threat to my safety, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not.

Men, stop using “she’s someone’s sister/mother/blah blah blah” as your basis for respecting women. I don’t know if it’s crossed your mind, but there is not a single person on the planet that does not have some familial relationship with a woman. Not one, buddy. Every person deserves respect, regardless of who they’re related to. Stop placing women’s worth in their relationships with men. Honestly.

Men, stop calling us females! What the hell is with that, you guys? Did you forget how to say women? I just…I don’t get it. I don’t understand why you do it, or why “females” is near always used in a demeaning or disrespectful way when talking about women.  First off, female is an adjective. Your grammar is bad. Female as a noun works when it’s derogatory, and why the heck are you so rude? Secondly, have you ever heard anyone refer to men as “males”? Eugh. It’s gross. Stop it. JUST STOP IT.

Men, you’re privileged. Shhhh. Don’t debate me on this. It’s not up for questioning. It is a fact, and you need to accept that it is and then use your privilege to make things better for those who are not. The patriarchy hurts everyone – women, men, gender-nonconforming folk – and the manifestation of this is often used as anti-feminist reasoning. When men are raped, assaulted, and suffer domestic abuse, there is a misconception that feminists don’t care about those instances because we’re too busy smashing the patriarchy. We do care. The patriarchy is the reason most men do not report assault because of the conceptions they have of masculinity. When we fight the patriarchy, we fight because of how it hurts everyone.

Men, stop piping up with unconstructive arguments for the sake of it. Stop saying you’re a good guy while you creepily ask that girl,”Where’s my hug?”. Stop being transphobic douchebags, saying you’re here for women but only ones you deem acceptable. Stop being complicit, watching your friends catcall and harass women. Stop making this about you when you don’t calculate how fast you’ll have to run if some guy decided today’s his day every time you walk past a group of men. Stop killing us because you think you can, stop raping us because you think you can, stop disregarding our “no”s because you think you can. Stop because not giving a man a phone number has cost several women their lives, because a woman not responding to a man on the street resulted in her being punched unconscious, because women die when men decide that they should. Stop because women are people, and gender based violence is real. Stop it.

Be better. You have to be better.

love and light,
shalom xo

mother’s day blues

Today’s a hard day for a bunch of people. These family-oriented days are a tricky one because of how families work, and I always feel particularly strange when it comes to them.

Mother’s day can be difficult, but all I’ve got to say is that whatever your feelings are today, they are right. They are valid.

If you’ve lost your mother, or if you’ve never had a relationship with yours, today can be difficult. If your mother is toxic, abusive, unaccepting, or has thrown you out for being who you are, today can be difficult. However you feel, your feelings are valid. Despite the card you will not write or the phone call you will not make, your feelings are valid. To mothers who have lost their children, mothers who have strained relationships with their children, people who long to be mothers — your feelings are valid. My thoughts go out to you.

Be mindful of those going through the most today. Be kind. Be aware, be compassionate, be understanding.

Happy mother’s day. Happy Sunday.

love and light,
shalom xo

we were on a break!!1!1!

Damn, Shalom – back at it again with the being unable to follow a single schedule you create for yourself! (Hello, dated reference weekly? She’s doing it again.)

So I took…a week…ish? off of BEDIM. I think it’s time to call BEDIM something more Shalom-oriented like…As Many Blogs As Possible In May. AMBAPIM. Welcome back to AMBAPIM!

I’d like to tell you all that I spent this last week doing some heavy introspection, and that I’ve come back refreshed and feeling great and glam and wonderful! However, I didn’t and I haven’t, and this is probably my most honest space on the internet so I’ll keep it that way. (Huh. Maybe second most honest.) (Stop reading my blog, parents.)

Anyway, what I have done in the couple of days that I’ve been away is buy too much chocolate (there are three slabs in my bedside drawer, please help), scream and yell in frustration about being a joke with a pal I’ll miss more than I’m ready to comprehend, and learn a lot about the Habsburgs.

I’m ready for this week. This week, I’ll do BEDIM. Blog every day this week in May? Yo, I don’t know. I have a plan and I’m *really* trying to get my life. How many times have I announced my trying to get my life here? I’m not sure, but if we count back to 2014 when scooton.wordpress.com was a THING, we’re probably on 30 or something.

This week has been a lot, and I have been doing mostly nothing. I am ready to not do nothing. Have an incredible video about the history of the world, I guess. (Love you Bill Wurtz)

love and light,
shalom xo

SEE YOU TOMORROW. AND THE DAY AFTER AND THE DAY AFTER THAT ETC. FOR REAL.

 

 

the creator/consumer divide

Okay, so I missed day 5.

I don’t know what to blame it on, I don’t know what I wanted to say, but I do know that you probably don’t care about BEDIM. I don’t blame you – it’s a personal project, and all you get from it is more emails from WordPress notifying you of – sigh – another post from that girl on the internet who has far too many feelings for her own good.

Well. Thanks for being here! I appreciate it, and I appreciate you.

See how I said “you” and not “you guys”? I think that comes from my newfound notice of the difference between the two. Today, as the title probably told you, I want to talk about the creator/consumer divide in terms of internet content creators and consumers regarding the way consumers are addressed.

Essentially, we’re all creators and consumers. You create a photo for Instagram, and the 200 people that like it consume it. A YouTuber creates a video with a clickbaity title, like “I WAS SHOT BY MY UBER DRIVER UNDERWATER IN PARIS???” and the 500 000 people that watch it and end up disappointed (because really, her Uber driver was her friend who took her to a Parisian themed theme park and they shot water guns at each other) are the consumers.

Because of the way the internet has evolved, every moment you spend consuming content is individual and deeply personal. You like the photo on Instagram because you feel obligated to, or because they always like your photos, or because you actually like the photo. Either way, your motivations are singular, as are the experiences you have when you read a blog, or watch a video.

It’s a silly little thing, but Tessa Violet spoke about it shortly in this video: when Youtubers address their audience as “you guys”, the security is gone. The moment is no longer an individual experience, like the internet promises us we’ll have. I don’t know, I think it’s interesting, if anything, how the tone of an apology video on YouTube can change depending on whether the creator apologises to “you” or to “you guys”.

It’s interesting. A thought.

Bit of a filler, this post.

love and light
shalom xo

Blinding

I was listening to Blinding by Florence and the Machine song earlier today, and while some of my favourite lyrics in the world are from that song (No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone / No more calling like a crow, for a boy, for a body in the garden), this post isn’t about that.

This post is about glasses, and wearing glasses, and the annoying things that people who don’t wear glasses do.

The thing that most people without glasses don’t seem to understand is that people with glasses wear glasses for a reason. This seems like base knowledge and yet, 7/10 times when I meet someone new, they’ll take my glasses, try them on and exclaim something along the lines of “Woah! You’re so blind!” or “I can’t see anything through these!” or my personal favourite, “You look so much better without them!”

Man, oh man.

First off, of course my eyes are bad, ya dingus! That’s why they should have stayed on my face, and not have gotten near yours. As a person who is embarrassingly close to being legally blind – for real, I can see maybe a foot in front of me at best without m glasses – I know. I know my eyes are bad. Your observation…what did you really think would come of it? A medal? A tattoo voucher? If ever you find such offers available, please inform me. I would love to tell people obvious facts about their eyes for rewards!

Next, I’d like you to think carefully about why you can’t see through them. Through my prescription spectacles. Here’s a clue: my glasses. My glasses. Did you expect a sudden history of bad eyes from your father’s side to descend upon you for the three seconds that you had them on? I don’t understand. Help me to understand. Why do you do this?

Lastly, regarding your ever so helpful opinion about my appearance without my seeing device. You know what else looks better without my glasses? You do. Because I can’t see any of you if you stand at least two paces from me. Please, stand two paces from me.

This has been a 2014 scooton.wordpress.com style rant, because I am feeling sad and bad. I failed the same part of my driver’s test for the second time today, and I feel like a class A idiot. I also have a discount for sushi courtesy of my pal Tash, and I am going to use it and mope. Thank you kindly. Happy Bedim.

love and light,
shalom xo

what i’m watching – series edition

Hello hello hello and welcome to day 3 of BEDIM! This post has been in my drafts for a bit, and I had a little bit of a creative block this morning so reviving this helped. Also, my first piece for HelloGiggles was published today! It is a very exciting time.

Without further ado, here are some of my favourite series at the moment.

PITCH

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  • Seasons: 1 (not renewed by FOX, but I hope Netflix or someone else picks it up!)
  • How far am I?: Finished!
  • Network: FOX
  • What’s the deal? : Ginny Baker (Kylie Bunbury) is the first woman to play major league baseball for the San Diego Padres (and also, ever). She’s a pitcher, and finds herself creating a space in a world that wasn’t created for her. Lots of team moments, lots of team drama, LOTS OF HILARIOUS JUXTAPOSITION SCENES LIKE THE ONE BELOW. The theme song is amazing and the season finale is heartbreaking, but I hope there’s more Pitch sometime soon. Kylie Bunbury is BRILLIANT.
  • Fave Characters: Ginny Baker, Mike Lawson, Eliot
  • Stars & /10?: Four stars. Nine out of ten, only because there’s just one season.

RIVERDALE

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  • Seasons: 1 (Almost definitely going to be renewed – star studded cast, extremely well received)
  • How far am I?: Episode 6/13
  • Network: CW
  • What’s the deal: With characters based off the Archie comics characters, Riverdale tells the story of what happens in a quiet town after the murder of Jason Blossom. The arrival of Hermoine and Veronica Lodge points to even more drama. The gang of sophomores (lol as IF!) – Archie, Betty, Jughead, Veronica, and Kevin – must deal with high school, the fact that they may know the murderer, and the craziness of the Blossoms.
  • Fave Characters: Veronica Lodge, Jughead “It’s called necrophilia, Reggie. Can you spell it?” Jones, Joaquin (South side serpent that Kevin gets friendly with at the movies – also please can I see more of this story arc! PLEASE!)
  • Stars & Rating / 10? : Three and a half stars, 7/10. I like Jughead, and I love him as the narrator, but I could not stand his “I’m so weird” soliloquy. Also, Archie & Ms Grundy should NEVER have happened. Why weren’t more people yelling about the fact that Ms Grundy is a predator, like Mrs Cooper did? YIKES.

NEW GIRL

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(come on. you knew this was coming.) HERE BE SPOILERS FOR SEASON 5

  • Seasons: 6! SIX!
  • How far am I?: I’m actually on my way to a New Girl marathon with a friend, so I’ll let you know. We’re probably going to watch all of season 5 and 6.
  • Network: FOX
  • What’s the deal? : Jess can’t stop thinking about Nick, CECE AND SCHMIDT ARE MARRIED AND HAVE A HOUSE LIKE PICTURE PERFECT THIRTY YEAR OLDS, Nick is finally publishing The Pepperwood Chronicles, Ali and Winston and GORDON RAMSAY make magic — everything is wonderful. Wonderful wonderful. America, America, uh uh, yeah.
  • Fave Characters: Y’all. Winnie the Bish, Nick Miller Nick Miller, (Who’s that girl, it’s) Jess and SCHMIDT WHO HAS A FIRST NAME.
  • Stars & Rating / 10? : FIVE STARS. 10/10. INCREDIBLE.

I’m running late for a New Girl marathon, and I cannot be running late for a New Girl marathon!

love and light,
shalom xo