uranus | atlas

this is uranus: of endings and realizations.


it’s sort of picturesque, really: you on the porch and me still on the other side of the door, both of us knowing that neither of us has the strength to say what we both need to hear. it’s as though a chorus of angels powered by flame could appear and the whole world would still just be you, me, and our cowardice.

if love is anything, let it be everything. the words sit on my right hipbone where your left used to rest, except they feel as hollow as the cave your collarbones made in your neck. make. you are still you, collarbones and all, and i am aware that no matter how lovely, i cannot stay here anymore.

we exchange hellos like we’re still in love because maybe we are, but maybe we’re just tired enough to collapse into anything that was once home. maybe you are still home. maybe i missed the eviction notice and got thrown out anyway. maybe i still love you. maybe it doesn’t matter when the friction is lost.

the last time we kiss feels like a big crash in a song that i didn’t know was coming, because my heart swells from the beating it is taking and my brain tells me to remember how everything feels, tastes, smells, but you are not there. we kiss and i try to taste you but i only taste my chapstick and i know it’s all been me. i don’t know how long you’ve been gone, but i know you’re not there the way i am.

you leave and it’s sad how refreshing heartbreak can be. sometimes the sky looks like it’s made out of layers of blue, each more chipped than the last. sometimes the sky looks like an angry god, displeased with all of his children born of the earth. sometimes, i forget that we live under him.

when i cry, i do not forget.

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don’t cry, 2020

my name is shalom and i am in the terrible ten year habit of understanding that doing something will directly impact me negatively, and doing it anyway. simple things, like don’t pick at a pimple, or a scab, or a tattoo. my name is shalom and i have done all of these things in the last 72 hours. good day, pals.

the weather does a weird thing on this side of the world. on saturday night, the campus was covered in snow and we went sledding in garbage bags, and two days later it was shorts weather. global warming is really doing her thing, and it’s a big shame.

the point of this was to tell you all that the abec has started. if you’re new around here, abec stands for annual birthday existential crisis. every year without fail for the last ten years. guys, i’m turning twenty this year and i have no idea what to do with myself. i’m trying to get around to finishing the exercise guide that i bought while very manic and also trying to be comfy in my flesh suit. it’s the only one i’ve got, so i may as well start getting settled if i’m gonna be in it for another twenty years (and hopefully a couple more twenty years after that).

these days when i get dressed in the morning – which isn’t very often. i spent a disgusting amount of time of the day unshowered and in pyjamas, and my pj’s are often just the clothes i wore yesterday (but enough about my gross habits) – i’ve been saying some lyrics to myself. sometimes it’s pinegrove, sometimes it’s walk the moon, but recently it’s been coin:

put on your make up
i laid out your favourite swearter
it’s just a number, darling
dry your eyes

it’s just a number. it’s two decades of open hearts and messy words, and at least one decade of trying to appreciate myself, but it’s just a number.

dry your eyes, friends. tonight is just another day.

love and light,
shalom

hey wassup hello

fellas, ya girl is going through it. again. all the time.

right, so i’m coming to you powered by apple sauce and potato chips and nothing that’s ever come out of my brain has ever been so college. i’m not tired. there’s just so much stuff that i need to put away in my brain, but all the shelves are already full and i am frustrated with the storage situation up there. for example, i need to store the joy that i got from  hearing that the manager that fired me from my first job has in turn left – i love things happening in due time – but i also need to store all the recipes from my new job. i need to store the fact that i signed up for 5:30 am shifts so that i can have some evenings to myself, but also that i am behind in linguistics and that it is a problem.

at the moment, i have an athena ring that i bought for $5 and it’s all that’s powering me. that and the potato chips and apple sauce. i really intended to write more this year, but it’s been a dry season in creative shalom land. there are no rains to bless down in the africa of my brain.

here’s whats good, familia and friends that i haven’t talked to because i’m terrible at communicating, and also strangers on the internet: school is fine. it’s school but it’s fine. work hasn’t started yet but it’s okay so far. it’s a lot, but it’s okay. managing a band is a time and a half. more emails than ever, but still one hell of a time. my brain is okay. my body is a little less okay, but she’s gonna be fine.

lads, we still have good music and travel, so things cannot be all bad. i’ve been in america for six months! a lot of things are different and a lot of things are broken, but i am better for it. i’m better.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | jan ’18

Finally, January is ending. This month has dragged like and held on to me like a child who hasn’t yet learned object permanence. I’ve spent too much time in pharmacies this month, and too little time in the gym. I miss the gym. Is endorphin withdrawal a thing?

This is coming to you late because I spent the first day of February in a hospital. Happy antibiotics appreciation month!

January started and ended with illness, but the in between was pretty much alright. I got my ears blown out at basement shows and danced around my room with old and new friends. January treated me kindly, for the most part, and I’m grateful for the lessons learned. Most recently, that sometimes you have to go to the ER and it’s not great. I saw my favourite band in the front row right on the barrier, and I will never be the same after freezing my ass off in New York City for ten hours prior to the show. When the weather gets below a certain point, my toes remind me of an ill-decided run on new year’s eve. It was worth it, but sometimes I think I actually have frostbite, and then it seems not so worth it.

Anyway, it’s been a good month for my brain despite the crazy dark days that happen in the northern hemisphere, and I’m waking up at 6 tomorrow. Let’s get to the good stuff.

tunes and vidz

my girl eats mayonnaise from a jar while she’s getting blazed

the part where he goes lalalalalalalala is the best part.

and i could not muster the courage to say a single word 

snippets of internal monologue

  • ok but…how do i say…you are the most perfect person to exist without saying that?
  • oh no. i do want to make them pancakes.
  • no gatorade? big problem
  • but who will help my tiddies

Lads, it’s a shorter one this time around because I am tired. Also, I’ve said what needs and wants to be said. Should be enough. Also, I’ve been on this blog for five years this year. What?

love and light,
shalom xo

tunesday

you know the vibe. happy tunesday!
today’s tunesday is dedicated to emily wheatley and her “fresh man” playlist. what a treasure.

skegss — lsd

this tune reminds me of walking to class when the sun isn’t shining outside, but something about the day still feels light and airy enough to whistle about. but also, this song is very much having a good time with good people, and having the stains on your tshirt to prove it at the end of the day. does that make sense? it’s like when you’d chill out at a friend’s house all day and leave and find a stain on your shirt without knowing how you got it. anyway, skegss is an australian alt-indie group that makes sounds that are excellent for being in transit, whether you’re walking, driving, or otherwise moving. enjoy the sunshine wherever you are today, even if the only sunshine comes from you. that was cheesy as h*ck. next!

remo drive — art school

art school, coloured hair / too cool for me but that’s fair

i love this song and this video! remo drive is lovely to yell in the car when all of your friends know the words. i can’t tell you what it’s like to drive while playing because i don’t drive, but i can tell you that it’s fun to yell. remo drive has a sort of sorority noise but different sound that’s really easy to appreciate because of the comfort of an emo band that’s making music that speaks to your 2008 and 2018 self. also, i just realised it’s been ten years since 2008. good heavens.

so ends the shortest – read: i just got back to school and don’t have as much time to write already – tunesday! i hope your day’s been excellent, regardless of what time it is. for fun, here’s tuesday by hippocampus. a bop.

love and light,
shalom xo

 

philadelphia, pennsylvania

My knowledge of Pennsylvania pretty much starts and ends with The Fresh Prince, Penn State, and “sorta kinda next to New Jersey I think”. I’m writing to you from West Philadelphia today, actually, and I want to tell you about my trip so far. So. Here’s my trip so far.

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We decided to make a trip out of a show and booked an Airbnb for the night, allowing us to see some of the must sees in Philly before and after the show. Despite some things not going to plan – we all love a good, old fashioned unforeseen circumstance – the trip was lovely. It’s also a bit weird that we went on a Wednesday instead of the weekend, because I keep almost writing “weekend”.

 

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Philadelphia has a charm that I hadn’t experienced before. The houses do this thing where they all look like they have secrets and stories to tell, but you’ll never know them because you’re a visitor and they know it. It was like they whispered to each other as we walked past and for a few moments, I desperately wanted to stay and catch up on the history that I’d walked by.

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I’m glad I went. There’s so much more I would have liked to see, but I’m happy with what the little vignette of Philadelphia that I now have. To more travels, my friends.

love and light,
shalom xo

i couldn’t title this

and here we are on the flip flop! hi friends. it’s 2018! this little space on the internet is turning five this year! life is weird.

anyway, today i got an idea for a maybe novel. that would be a bit funny, i think – me, writing a novel. i don’t have any of it to share with you, probably because it doesn’t and very well may never exist, but i do have dear june to share with you: prose i wrote for an obnoxiously good demo made by some of my favourite lads. here’s some of dear june, which really only makes good sense if you listen to the songs with it – this part goes with autumn – which probably makes it a shoddy piece of writing. i don’t have the energy to fight the part of me that was once proud of it. anyway. prose with music okay go!


Dear June,

I’ve found that people get warmer as the weather gets colder. Maybe it comes from a selfish evolutionary impulse to stay alive and with others, or maybe the falling of the leaves reminds us all of how fragile everything really is. Maybe closeness is a response to understanding.

In the fall we did things like consider futures where neither of us existed and I realized that I didn’t have her the same way she had me. We ran from the fear licking at our underbellies signaling the end, and loved it. I watched her do everything right and everything wrong, and anything at all, and loved it. It felt a bit like a funeral, really – understanding that what was, was really was coming to an end, and that we’d have to witness it. When we tumbled we blamed it on the weather, and dressed like we were waiting on the bliss of the summer that started it all to return.

She became nervous for the first time in all my knowing her that season, and I became overwhelmed. I didn’t know that you could float on an ocean of unspoken love for so long before you start to drown, or even that drowning could be bad. I faltered when I wanted to be plain with her and she withdrew, but I could never blame her. Not once; not ever.

When the last of the leaves hit the ground, I started to consider my reasoning. I knew she’d go, and I knew I wouldn’t survive it, but I continually found myself waiting for her, despite what she’d do. I never expected her to change, though. There’s little room for improvement when perfection is the standard one starts at.

With love,
Autumn


there it goes! there it be!

if you want to read the whole thing, it’s over here. talk to me about it on twitter if ya like! okay. i gotta zoom. there’s a bomb cyclone that’s preventing me from going outside and i need to be sulky about it somewhere.

love and light,
shalom xo

wide-eyed and so damn caught in the middle

excuse me for a while, while i’m wide eyed and so damn caught in the middle of ending what was the biggest year of my life so far.

2017 taught me so much. i don’t know where to start except by saying that on new year’s eve last year, i was in the ivory coast, taking awkward photos with my sisters. we were at some event that we didn’t fit in at, but it was okay because (corny as it is) we were together. if you put that shalom in front of december 31st, 2017 shalom, she wouldn’t recognize me. i look different; i cut off all my hair, i sound different and have this weird english / south african accent going on, and i feel different.

apart from the awful respiratory infection i seem to have managed to contract thanks to the new england phenomenon of snow and frozen everything forever, 2018 is the first year i will be starting off as an unbroken person. for once, my brain is in check and my life is something i’d imagined – i am alright. 2016 shalom would not have recognized that, but she sure would be happy to see it.

i am wide-eyed and taking in everything for the first time in a long time. i wrote about this previously, but my eyes are open wide enough and it’s such a change from the usual brain fog i’d become accustomed to. i can’t begin to say how grateful i am for the help i’ve gotten while i’ve been here. i’d like to think my existence is a testament to it.

in any case, this year i: completed the monthly me series for 2017, started the currently series, wrote so much prose for music that i adore, moved countries, started making peace with my body, started to understand what i want to do, went to the beach in winter, saw more live music than i have in all nineteen years of my life, became the manager of a band, got over my ex, threw up more than i have in a while, saw snow, got hit in the face with said snow, taken a road trip and then some.

excuse me for a while. see you in twenty eighteen.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | december ’17

I did it! A consistent feature every month. Look at that!

December is over and it was a really good way to close out 2017. Onwards!

 

december

I mean, whoa. In December I did so much that I can barely remember it all in the best way. i’m not even sure where to start this post because this last month has been so very 2017 in nature that I’m mostly just grateful to the universe that  I made it this far in one very awed piece.

The month started with my first trip to Princeton, which saw me coming back home with roller blades that I definitely cannot use and do not use. They were free, okay. (I need to get rid of them.) It was a lovely trip, followed by a photoshoot a few days later which taught me that I am not photogenic. No sir. I am a difficult photo subject because my face has approximately seven million expressions and also I’m awkward. So that was, uh. Fun. On the plus side, about seven of the 100 photos came out okay and have now replaced the old ones on my about page!

The weekend after is still unparalleled. I organized for Shoobies to go up to Boston to do an in studio recording at a radio station, and oh did we go. I just… I don’t really have words for how incredible that trip was, but Casey – lead singer, you’ve seen him here before – keeps calling it cinematic. He’s a writer too, so I think you can all trust his words. Word. Anyway, Boston was a movie and I can’t explain it any better.

What else? I’m the manager of a band now, I’m going to England next year, I have no money for my trip to England next year, I’m in Boston right now, I’m going to a wedding next week, snow is cold and stays forever, everything is icy, and I’m happy. I’m really alright, my dudes. Sure, this weather keeps my lips looking so chapped that Blistex is gonna invite me to take out stocks with how much I buy pretty soon, but I am doing rather well, and that’s aces.

I did royally screw up my hair and doctor’s appointments but I mean. Eh.

tunez & vidz

how come every outcome’s such a comedown?

this is the greatest and best song in the world…tribute.

she said WHAT and i told her that i didn’t know

little loves

  • That hotel lobby in Boston where I couldn’t feel my face
  • Coffee in the snow
  • Going to the beach in winter
  • Realizing that it’s been worth it

snippets of internal monologue

  • permission to call all forces in to stop a very stupid action? please?
  • coffee in the snow is iced coffee, shalom, duh
  • oh honey. connecticut is a no go.
  • we love a dance party!

I am currently being attacked by a viral infection that is threatening to take me out, TKO style. However, 2018 is looking bright. Far better than 2017 was looking when I was standing in 2016. Bless.

love and light,
shalom xo

crimbo thoughts | currently #5

currently, i am experiencing my first white christmas! i haven’t started working on the december monthly me and i’m stressed about it.

currently, i am writing. i recently undertook a writing project to write prose for an entire ep, and i am so close to finishing it that i surprised myself. i’m on break in boston for a little while before i head off, and planned to use the week to finish the project. the day i started, i’d already finished three parts out of four. a shocker, really. why on earth can’t i do this with literally any other thing that i want to write? my atlas series is still not done and i have three planets left to write. heaven knows when.

currently, i’m listening to bon iver’s 22, a million and wondering about the swollen lymph node in my neck destined to show for a throat infection that’s undoubtedly on it’s way. my wisdom teeth are doing that thing where they ache like hell but not enough for me to sit through the hassle that is getting them removed. in any case, the bottom right quarter of my face aches and that’s that.

currently, i’m thinking about all the life that’s happened this year. 2017 has been the best worst year ever. so much happened that made me want to jump but i learned so much; more than enough to make up for the badness. i met incredible people and continue to do so right into the end bits of this year, and i’m so grateful for all that i’ve learned. last christmas i was on the west coast of africa watching waves and writing about my unquiet mind, and how i wanted to be home. this christmas, i am in the home of a dear friend, thinking about my trip to portugal last year and desperately wanting a grilled cheese.

currently, for emma, forever ago is playing and i’m debating whether or not to cook. regardless of which way it goes, i am confident that i’ll be okay. this year has showed me that i can be okay, and i am.

currently, i am okay.

love and light,
shalom xo