crimbo thoughts | currently #5

currently, i am experiencing my first white christmas! i haven’t started working on the december monthly me and i’m stressed about it.

currently, i am writing. i recently undertook a writing project to write prose for an entire ep, and i am so close to finishing it that i surprised myself. i’m on break in boston for a little while before i head off, and planned to use the week to finish the project. the day i started, i’d already finished three parts out of four. a shocker, really. why on earth can’t i do this with literally any other thing that i want to write? my atlas series is still not done and i have three planets left to write. heaven knows when.

currently, i’m listening to bon iver’s 22, a million and wondering about the swollen lymph node in my neck destined to show for a throat infection that’s undoubtedly on it’s way. my wisdom teeth are doing that thing where they ache like hell but not enough for me to sit through the hassle that is getting them removed. in any case, the bottom right quarter of my face aches and that’s that.

currently, i’m thinking about all the life that’s happened this year. 2017 has been the best worst year ever. so much happened that made me want to jump but i learned so much; more than enough to make up for the badness. i met incredible people and continue to do so right into the end bits of this year, and i’m so grateful for all that i’ve learned. last christmas i was on the west coast of africa watching waves and writing about my unquiet mind, and how i wanted to be home. this christmas, i am in the home of a dear friend, thinking about my trip to portugal last year and desperately wanting a grilled cheese.

currently, for emma, forever ago is playing and i’m debating whether or not to cook. regardless of which way it goes, i am confident that i’ll be okay. this year has showed me that i can be okay, and i am.

currently, i am okay.

love and light,
shalom xo

currently #4

currently, i am sat in a barnes and noble in new jersey, typing away on candice,(pronounced kan-dees) my new computer. i’m sipping on a starbucks iced vanilla latte that i got along with a fancy cheese and pesto panini sandwich (??) and a packet of chips for $8 ($8.55 after tax, because nobody told americans that a good idea would be to include the full price including tax on the shelves) and i’m confused about why they’d give me a venti for the same price as a tall. also, everything is air conditioned and it throws me off, man. america.

currently, i’m sat looking at a building that, much like the university, predates the independence of the united states. the trains from new york and further north come past every so often; right now one’s going in the other direction but i don’t know my bearings well enough to tell you where it’s headed. people get off and walk with purpose, and others breeze through the wind before summer rain. a man with a briefcase and sunglasses on his head looks up at the cloudy sky, and shakes his head at himself.

currently, i’m listening to come on eileen and thinking of 2014 and grade 11. i’m thinking of jessica craven and a joke about a red dress. i’m thinking of a history teacher that made me realise i never want to act less intelligent than i am for anyone’s comfort, ever again. i’m wondering about the time at home (it’s 10:34 pm) while it’s 4:34 in the afternoon here. i’m thinking of yasmin and her cat, and her line jumping sister. bless, wits comedy jam.

currently, i am regretting the aforementioned iced vanilla latte. i forgot that i don’t do caffeine very well anymore. it probably has something to do with my medication, which sets my resting heart rate at 122 bpm. my doctor was a liiiiiiitle terrified, but i’m always terrified, so it’s okay. i’m okay. i’m berating myself for not taking my meds on time because time zones messed up my schedule, and while i never suffered from jetlag, all the lil shortages of neurotransmitters in my head did.

currently, i’m wondering how real all of this is. i made the big mistake of re-reading jean paul sartre’s nausea on the plane, and the big existential think that is my daily disposition flew into overdrive. i’ve been stuck in that overdrive for the week that i’ve been here. so far, all that really helps bring me back is the reality of how broke i am, and the tunes of walk the moon and the arctic monkeys. ~argumentative, and you’ve got the face on.~

currently, i’m exploding with adoration and ultimate affection towards everyone, per usual, but especially towards everyone who’s made my settling in that much easier. to sophia, my darling, and all of her friends (jenna, cris, jonathan, john, sophie, tara, kate) have all been such dears. soph carts me around in her silver four wheeled carriage, and i almost cry every time i see her. to my mama, who came with me and grounded me every time my brain flew me off too far away, and to everyone – especially my ex drama teacher – who sent a kind message after i updated my number. you’re all so important to me.

currently, i am in america. i don’t know. currently, i am in america and i don’t know.

(i think i’m okay with it.)

love and light,
shalom xo

 

 

currently 3

currently, my room (which doubles as my office [ha office what]) along with my entire house, has been turned upside down and inside out due to renovations and painting. all of my stuff has been moved out (save for my bed and immovable desk) into another room and i grow more and more frustrated every day. i do not know where any of my stuff is. despite the painting in my room being finished, i now have no internet to work off because our internet has been disconnected (in line with the study where the router is being pulled apart because painting) and it’s driving me mad. and broke.

currently, i am in a starbucks after almost crying from frustration after spending three hours on the phone with the bank. i am so tired, and also regret my ill advised decision to wear a bra today. (i’m just going to take it off.)

currently, i am craving food from chiapas eat mexican here in rosebank, but i also know for a fact that i cannot afford it at all. i’ve filled out so many forms and drank a chai latte that i only bought because a friend of mine from high school was working the register. i couldn’t drink it. it’s so much milk, man.

currently, i am stressed about student loans and being broke until i am 40. i’m tired today, and i can’t be arsed to call those banks today. i really can’t. i’m living this tweet at the moment:

currently, i am spending most of my time thinking about the severe lack of the
knowledge of the logistics about my move that i have. it’s a mess. there is so much happening between flights and after flights and in the magical time that i think i have but definitely do not. i have to close a bank account here and if you were around this time last year, you’ll know that my luck with banks is…near non existent.

currently, i’m working on trying to get my may monthly me up and see how it differs from last year’s. i like having these months to look back on. i’m going to finish the atlas series (which has been wonderful and challenging and maybe the only series i will ever finish) and write when i want which will be often. i hope. speaking of writing, i have letters to mail to dora.

currently, my body is tired. my brain is eh. mostly, life is comme ci comme ca. ya girl is thuggin. (trying.)

love and light,
shalom xo

 featured image from death to stock

currently 2

currently…well, this seems to be a slightly better currently than the previous one.

currently, i am prepping for bedim – a blog every day in may – and i am worried that i’m going to be spread quite thin. that’s funny for me to say, because since the last currently i am still not conventionally employed. that’s a fun way to say broke ass bitch, ain’t it?

currently, i am comfortable in the little progress i am making. i’m in a strange space. does getting up before 10 even though i mostly have no reason to have something to do with it? probably.

currently, i am noticing tiny moments like when the sun is setting, and how 2012 shalom adopted almost 40% of her mannerisms from season one nick miller. (i really, really love new girl. the april monthly me explains it better.) i’ve eaten more eggs in the last two months than i ever have in my life – i think it’s maybe to make up the three years i spent not eating eggs.

currently, things are less foggy. it’s still very cloudy, but it’s easier to deal with cloudiness than unending fog. without fog, there’s room for noticing and seeing things before you trip over them (even if you trip over them anyway). i am tripping, HARD. but i’m also listening to podcasts and getting up when i feel like i can’t. i’m thinking of greenbelt fest with my pals from london in a couple of years. i’m present more than i have been in a while, and i’m tentatively relishing in it.

currently, i am getting ready to get stabbed with needles and miracles of science so that i get to move into my dorm with the most kickass italian surnamed kind spirited nursing student rutgers will ever see, and also so that i don’t get meningitis. i’m leaving everything i know soon. i’m ageing soon. many crises are presenting themselves, and i think i will get through them.

not past, but through. currently, we are going until we get there.

love and light
shalom xo

currently

currently, i am trying to figure out how i want to look, what makes me feel good, why i don’t like my body & my face, and what i can do about it. i am trying to figure out if the way my body moves is alien to me because it has never moved like this, or because i’ve never noticed. i’m not sure how much of a difference it’ll make.

currently, i’m growing old trying to get into college and to make sure that neither of my sisters have to go through the long winded process that i am currently going through (to self: shalom, have you emailed mrs. hind for your sister?). i am trying to find work for the american summer, because…well, point five. i am unsure of what the future looks like from as early as june, and i don’t enjoy the uneasiness that comes with it.

currently, i am trying to make my way into freelance writing because i’m broke and because i really want to write. so far, a byline from women’s republic (a start up magazine that i am honoured to write for) looks possible. i’d like to write for the establishment, though. i need to get on that.

currently, i am dealing with the fact that i don’t have clothes outside of sleep shirts, a pair of jeans, and sweater dresses. i’m becoming more aware of how i think i want to present myself, and i think i need clothes for that. there’s a running joke in my family about me and becoming a nudist because of my lack of clothes, and it sounds like a joke, but oh, the possibilities….

currently, i am broke. as usual. i didn’t get the job at lush which sucks so hard. i am trying to scrape up R200 because i will not miss vodka party if you paid me. i mean, maybe if you paid me. seeing that i’m broke, and all.

currently, i am lonely. i’m not in school, so friends from school are (1) far and few between to begin with, and (2) in school. it’s a bit shit, the lack of platonic and romantic partners in my life. i need friends. and maybe someone to make out with. or maybe just some sleep.

currently, i’m putting on a pair of joggers i stole from a friend (she let me keep ’em tho, tell ’em ash) & going to run errands for my mom. am i going to lament over the price of tampons and yoghurt? probably.

there’s a lot going on right now, and i’m trying my best to ease into it. with my track record, i probably won’t. you’ll find out, though. chronic oversharer and all that.

love and light,
shalom


featured image from death to stock