could this be earth?

this was written for “white” by frank ocean (& odd future at the time). i’m not sure what this is other than prose for “white”. listen to “white” below.


if a gravity wave hits a rotating thunderstorm, the thunderstorm can spin up into a tornado. nothing around the thunderstorm receives a warning beforehand. what gets swept up, gets swept up. i looked at her. i was swept up.

when someone puts their hands on you, their lips on yours, their body on yours, there’s little that holds you down. little is more important than trying your best to stop your body from betraying your mind: do you focus on the feeling or the memory? which will be preserved first? which will stay longer? i don’t know where i was, or how i hadn’t been carried away into another world where i could balance the two. i slept, and gravity kept me around.

after the big bang, scientists thought that the universe would slow down in its expansion thanks to gravity pulling it together. it hasn’t, though, and the universe has only expanded faster than ever before. for this to make sense, the theory that the universe contains enough energy to overcome gravity must be true. i revelled in the dark energy, and expanded ever outward. she rested in gravity, and stayed.

in the dark, she pulled me together. i woke to touches lighter than the part of me that stayed in space, and to everything around me being more than i remember leaving it. i fought for my brain to remember rather than my body, but i lost. the silence that was once lonely held me down and i asked questions of love, light, and space. gravity doesn’t give answers.

the thing about a tornado is that the start is hard to remember. i know that there is damage and that new buildings are rising where old ones were levelled. i know what i hoped for before, i know what i  danced to during, i know how i slept after. i don’t remember the start. i don’t feel the same as i used to. my brain doesn’t betray me anymore. i forget things like tornadoes, first loves, and time-specific dreams.

we’ll all fade to grey soon on the tv station.

a letter to my thighs | honest letters #2

Dear left thigh and right thigh,

You two have been kept apart for so long, and I know that now that you spend every waking (and sleeping) hour touching each other, you’re a little uncomfortable. Let me tell you, I’m pretty bloody uncomfortable myself.

I know you resent the lack of the comfy distance between you two. That elusive thigh gap that made you two stay away from each other and made me “skinny” is gone, and my two hands can no longer perfectly fit around one of you. I know that it sucks and I know that it’s partially my fault for spending 30% of my allowance on food before the month even starts. I get it! But I’m not sorry. I’ve been working out, like, loads. Okay. Not loads. Enough. I go to Wits! Everything is a fricken 15 minute walk from everything. I literally make sure that you get exercise every day because we all walk home together. See?

I know that this isn’t satisfying, and that you’d still like to know why you’re stuck together, and the reason is this: estrogen.

Niiiice, Shalom, blame it on the hormones blah blah blah. I am blaming it on the hormones! It’s their fault! I’m sorry for not consulting with you before I started this birth control, but it was a bit of a split-second-try-to-save-yourself-from-your-body-that-may-be-trying-to-kill-you decision. Hormone regulation isn’t fun. Trust me, I didn’t sacrifice your personal space because hoe is life. Though, if I did, you’d have to shut up and deal. I appreciate that.

I know that you hate the fact that I have to have to unstick you guys and that all the god forsaken chafing is driving you up the wall, but I want you to know that I love you. I mean, maybe I don’t yet, but I’m really trying to.

We’ve been through a lot together. You’ve literally held me up for eighteen and a half years and I’m really grateful for you leg-parts. We’ve made it through ballet and eating disorders and sports politics and running from robbers with guns and dancing on people at parties. This is a change, and maybe you’re making me buy new pants for the first time in six years, but I’m gonna stick this out with you.

Thanks for being part of me.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | october 2016

I’m a little shocked that it’s already November, but mostly relieved that this hellhole of a year is coming to a close. October was treacherous, and filled with work and being broke and protests and stress and anticipation and love and sadness and pride. Also, my laptop broke, and I haven’t managed to have her fixed. So. October.

from the camera roll

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walk home from the bus ft. sunset. #blessed

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bless you, picnics and popsicles

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joburg pride ’16

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picnic with high school friends and new friends and a massive afternoon of love.

october

I spent most of October trying to find out what I mean to the people who mean the world to me. I took myself out a couple of times and paid up my outstanding amount on my flight to Lisbon! I’ve been preoccupied with the Portuguese city because I’m headed there in TWO WEEKS and cannot wait. Joburg Pride was amazing, and the solidarity was ridiculously awesome. There was so much love in the sapce. I also considered whether I was falling in love or whether I just wanted to squeeze my friends really tight and tell them I adore them – the latter was correct. October also saw me being faced with literally life-changing decisions with regards to my moving from South Africa, and making split second choices over coffee. I think I’ve made the right one.

obsessions

Not to Disappear is one of the best albums of 2016 – I got it the day of release, and I’m still listening to it. This song, and Made of Stone have been on repeat this month (along with the entire album). Fave lyrics: I don’t know you now but I’m lying here somehow; I feel sick (Fossa); You’ll find love, kid; it exists (Made of Stone).

still i pledge allegiance to these UNITED DIVIDED STATES
things that make me patriotic: voting in this election and leslie odom jr and sara bareilles and broadway and theatre and talent and barack obama

snippets of internal monologue

  • I really don’t think I can do this job anymore. I might yell at this kid. LORD. PATIENCE PLEASE.
  • I am SO buying that underwear. Trap liiiiife!
  • Wait, does that mean I have to organise a farewell party? Oh man oh man oh
  • If I fail intro to law can I put an end to this intro to suffering?
  • SHALOM. YOU DON’T HAVE MONEY. HOE DON’T DO IT. HOE, DON’T YOU DO IT. OH MY GOD YOU’RE DOING IT?

November hasn’t started off on the best note – I was robbed for the 5th time this year on the 3rd, and I’m currently a panicky mess about my exams and my travel plans and my future. It’s not all bad though – breathing hasn’t become any more difficult or easy. That, I can deal with.

love and light,
shalom xo

The Week From Hell

Seriously. I was punched in the face before 8AM.

This is the first break I have had the entire week, and I only have 54 minutes left of it. The panic has been very,very real. While I have been lucky enough to have Hamilton help me get by (my obsession is a little OTT), sometimes, a superb rap musical just isn’t enough.

Monday: You know, Monday was the only okay day.  I went to my lecture. I remembered to take my meds. Things were working out, man!

Tuesday: SURPRISE BITCH. It was my immediate younger sister’s birthday, and that was fine. It was great, she was happy. I got to uni, and was late for my 8AM. The lecturer had changed. I had zero clue what communication models he was talking about. That day,  I realise that I cannot find ANY of the cases I need to know for my law test, in a week. My English tutor tells me that my way of thinking is wrong, a week before the essay that counts for half of my grade is due. Excellent The panic is very real.

Wednesday: WELL. My mother made some cryptic accusations (???) and told me that a meeting between her and myself would be happening this weekend. Excellent. I miss my 10AM lecture because I have the anxiety attack from hell. I go to the bank to close an account, like I have been trying to do for the last MONTH, and they keep me running. I send an email of complaint, because NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO GO TO FOUR BRANCHES TO CLOSE AN ACCOUNT. I realise that tomorrow is the philosophy test. Perfect. Nothing else could go wrong, right?

Thursday: WRONG. It rains the entire day. I get punched in the face by a taxi driver, and have to pay twice because he decided that it’s a good day for xenophobia. Lovely. I cry while trying to gird my loins in preparation for the philosophy test that I am very, very unprepared for. The guest law lecturer calls on me in class, and I say “Wasn’t it, I mean, kind of yeah not really.”. The question was what the third factor the courts look out when evaluating discrimination according to the constitution. Good job, Shalom. I arrive at my law tutorial, and haven’t read the case, BECAUSE I COULDN’T FIND IT. I can’t answer any questions. I see people leaving and wonder why, and then realise that they are going to the philosophy test. OH. SHIT. I run out of the lecture theatre, into the rain, and make the Great Trek TM to West Campus. I wait for 30 minutes outside the venue. I realise I am early, and that my slot is only in an hour. Ah. Wonderful. I decide to go to the library, and my student ID won’t allow me to enter. Excellent. I decide to go to the bathroom before test. ALL THREE BATHROOMS (not cubicles, as in, three buildings) ARE OUT OF ORDER. Perfect. I write my test, but not before having my shoe fall off of my foot, and having myself fall into a puddle. I get home, and THE INTERNET IS BROKEN. I also can’t fix it, because all of our landlines are broken because our internet is broken. Holy hell, okay.

Friday: I find the law cases. I get back my English assignment and score an A. I go to the bank AND THEY STILL MUCK ABOUT. I find out I am only leaving campus at 9 tonight. I mean, today could go worse. It’s only 3 o’clock.

I am tired. The entire universe has taken a piss both on me and in my coffee this week. I am tired.

I have no clue if I will finish reading the cases that I need to, and then finish actually studying for the law test. Prolly not. I have no clue if next week will continue at this rate. If it does, don’t expect much from me but more sarcasm than usual. If that’s possible. Ugh.

love & light,
shalom

 

CHANCE

Can you tell me why? Can you try to explain why you’re here to me?

She’s new. She’s a dirt-brown haired newbie, who thinks that she’ll be the one. She’ll crack these girl and the four boys in our ward, and she’ll solve the pesky problem of eating disorders. She’s really trying quite hard: her arms are open – no barriers to communication; her notepad is in her lap, and she’s looking at me in the face. She’s smiling a tiny, closed-mouth mother-of-three smile, and she’s waiting.

I know you’ve heard it before, but I promise you, you can trust me. I just want to know how you’re doing so that we can be on the same page, okay?

I know her type. Two of the guys won’t speak to her because they know her type too. I cross one leg over the other, tilt my head upwards, remind myself to murmur, and say, “I’m doing fine. Thank you.” She’ll stop smiling, and then she’ll write something – ‘uncooperative’ or ‘unwilling to engage’ – and then look back up at me.

She doesn’t.

It says here that you don’t talk much. You once told a psychologist that you wanted to disappear entirely. Can you tell me why do you want to disappear?

It’s funny how you think you have any sort of privacy in this world. The ghosts of the past haunt us, and remind us of realities we seem to have forgotten. My ghosts swim in my lungs, and dance to my irregular heartbeat. They read the notes of the first woman I ever spoke to about Vanishing. They keep those notes forever, and give them to the the New Head Psychologist Woman, PhD.

I don’t know why I told the first one.

I size this one up again. New Psychologist: tall, brown hair, face like pale sand. Blue veins down her arm, like I always wanted. Family photo on the desk, like I always wanted. Tiny smile, like I never wanted. The chances are these: tell her, and have her question you; or don’t, and have her wonder, like the rest of them. 50/50. Moon or sun. Heads or tails.

Romeo and Juliet. Dead, and dead. 1oo. Both.

Part one: Moon. I tell her, “Do you know what it means to transcend everything? Everything that you know. To be apart from everything here, all of this trouble, all this stress? I know what it means. It means vanishing. It means leaving all of this behind, and still getting the grades and the girl and being the good daughter. It means that you say no to some things for a little while, you grow smaller and smaller, and in a little while, you’re closer to vanishing than you ever thought possible. You get to disappear, and live above all of this.”

What do you mean when you say, “live above all of this”?

Part two. I don’t tell her.

I am the sun.

-s.c.o


 

featured image from unidentifieduniverse.com

 

 

UniversiTERRIFYINGLY STRESSFUL.

Today, I come to you as more than just a regularly exhausted-by-life Shalom. I come now, as a bone tired university student that has consumed about six pancakes too many.

Happy Shrove Tuesday! In honour of pancake Tuesday, here’s a video from SoulPancake and my pal Kid President. You should watch it. It’s important. (It’ll probably make you a little smilier.) We all need a pep talk.

In any case, I started formal classes yesterday! Monday was pretty relaxed, and my only lecture was Global Literature and Film. It was awesome. Today? Eh, could have been better. I met my philosophy lecturer and the venue that it takes place in, and man oh man did a girl crave some sleep. It is so dark! And perfect for sleep! But I love philosophy and I honestly care about critical thinking and metaphysics. Honestly. I’m just such a sleepy kitten. I’m lying. Kittens can’t go to college, unfortunately. The do go to high school, though! My old school literally bred crazy cat ladies. We were an all girls’ school with strange cats roaming the grounds.What a time to be alive.

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Actual footage of Shalom in a box. #naturalstate

My Media and Society lecture is really cool, and I’m looking forward to seeing the psychology behind the way that media and society interlink. I’m not excited about the readings. My course pack is thicker than my arm. (I do not have very thin arms at all.)

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I think that real love is when the Prof says “there is no required textbook for this course”. I almost cried with joy when I found out that two out of four of my classes this semester are textbook free. PRAISE THE LORD. AMEN. (I’m not outright asking, but if anyone does want to buy my ridiculously expensive intro to law books for me…)

I am unfortunately still without job, and still waiting to hear back from UBC (scholarship offers) and McGill (ANYTHING offers). I am capital v capital tired. V TIRED.

(I just got very distracted by the internet and free vouchers and questionable fanfiction.)

(Un)surprisingly, I have made zero new friends? Maybe it’s because I slouch. It’s not that I haven’t met new people – there are almost 7000 first years this year. I just haven’t had any conversations beyond, “Where is the politics department? Thanks!” and “How to I get to the 3rd floor of Senate House?”. It’s a little bit shitty, to be honest. I’m hoping that tomorrow will be better than today. I hate falling asleep in class.

It’s also Valentines day soon. I remember, in 8th grade, when some of the larny private schools would get the day off as a holiday, and the rest of us would all be at school pretending not to care.

SO MUCH IS HAPPENING AND I ALREADY HAVE ESSAYS DUE AND ONLINE QUIZZES AND NOTES TO TYPE OUT AND OMG????? THINGS ARE STRESS???? HOW TO UNIVERSITY???

love and light,
shalom xo

Guess Who’s Back

How does one start these things? Yeesh. A month is a long time to be away from blogging.

Hello, readers! If you’re returning, get comfortable – your seat has been waiting & warmed. If you’re new, the new passengers’ seating is located by clicking the ‘follow’ button on your right. (Just kidding. You’re welcome, follower or not.)

Since December 2015, a lot has changed. Welcome to 2016! Congrats on making it this far. Here’s a list of things you should have left & brought with you, courtesy of Nathan Zed – one of my top five favourite youtubers at the moment, and also the funniest. And smartest. And one with the best hairline. (I like him a lot.)

Quick recap of January:

  • Matric results (Confused? Look here and here.)
  • Finished uni applications!
  • DRAMA. Family, friend, internet – you name it. All of it.
  • Said goodbye to so many of my friends who started new adventures in Cape Town, the UK, Stellenbosch, Rhodes, Mafikeng, Pennsylvania, Any Other Place That Does Not Permit Me To Get To Them In Under Three Hours…
  • Got dreadlocks? Hopefully, one day they look like Tiffany Ima’s – style icon and ULTIMATE EVERYTHING. That’s her in the featured image.
  • Started uni in SA in the hopes developing my brain before the HOPEFUL OVERSEAS ADMISSIONS LETTERS COME
  • Bank card. Bank fees. Bank. Gross.
  • DID NOT BUY DOMAIN BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE $18.
  • Lived in filth, i.e. my bedroom & the couch in the lounge that I inhabited (and have since been chased away from).
  • The theme has changed! The About & Welcome pages will be changing, too, soon enough.

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My life currently consists of cards, cords, and contact lens solution.

The heatwave and drought South Africa is experiencing right now makes just about zero things easier. I’m melting, my eyeliner is melting, my ice-cream is melting, my patience is melting…things are a little crazy up in here.

Despite it all, I’m making it. My future is still a little (read: EXTREMELY) uncertain, and I’m not sure what’ll happen in the next six months. Hopefully, it involves a scholarship or two, and a flight to a colder part of the world.

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David and I have similar to-d0 lists. I, however, am without a single Apple device.

I’ll be posting on Tuesdays and Saturdays this year, and maybe a little more frequently when (a) important things are happening, or (b) a mosquito has bitten my finger and I need to move it. Both situations are applicable today.

Thanks for sticking with me, team internet! I know a handful of you personally, but the majority of you all think that I’m interesting enough to read what I have to say. I appreciate you all, and I hope that 2016 is a heck of a wave that we can all ride together. On separate boards. Mostly because I have no idea how to surf and wouldn’t want to drown you all.

love and light,
shalom

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photos from death to the stock photo here, and first covers here.

A Look Ahead – 2016 & Beyond

Aloha pals! Merry belated Christmas! I hope all of your Christmases were merry and bright, and that your gifts exceeded all of your hopes.

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I was genuinely so pleased with all the presents I got from my siblings and my mum — er, I mean Santa — and despite the craziness of the festive season and the family feud that is still ongoing, Christmas was alright.


AN UPDATE



Alright. SO 2016 is going to be a big, big year for me – and this blog.  I’m looking at moving countries for university (fingers crossed), and I’m looking at moving content – with regards to scooton.wordpress.com.

This sounds really dramatic, but all that’s happening is that I’m making a bit of a shift. I made this blog after two other blogs that I closed because “ohmyGOD Shalom why did you write like that were you like twelve???” (Yes, Shalom.You were exactly twelve, actually.) In the two years that I’ve blogged under scooton, I’ve used this blog as a space for me to document my new interests & lifestyle crazies. I don’t intend to stop – I just think that I need a fresh start (blegh, how cliche) and that my little cubby hole on the internet deserves a little more love.

What does this all mean? It means that I’m doing a little rebranding. I’m going to  do some major upgrades. It means that I’ll probably become more of a lifestyle-beauty blogger like I’ve wanted to for a while – there’s a saying that all lifestyle bloggers eventually get bitten by the beauty bug. It happened! It means that I’ll get to work on myself as a brand, and my brand as a brand – without freaking out about things that I never had time to fix. (I’ve got the time now, by some miracle!)

A massive thank you must go out to all of you who have read my inane ramblings for the two years that I’ve been sporadically posting on scooton.wordpress.com. Here’s to more years of my bitchy, ranty posts that you couldn’t get rid of if you tried. To  more pride, more winged eyeliner, more hauls-because-I-can, more music, more photographs, more black nail polish, and more of what I want my little corner of internet to be.

Thanks for sticking with me since 2013, y’all. See you in 2016 as okayshalom.com– I’m so excited to share the new site with you all.

Happy new year for next week, and have a gorgeous day! I’m feeling a lot better having wrote this post. Special thanks must go to Tash from GlitterfulThoughts for encouraging me & talking me through some big decisions last night.

I’ll see (?) you all in the new year!

Love and light,
shalom

 

FRICKEN FESTIVE | Blogmas Day 10!

JINGLE EVERY FRICKEN’ BELL BECAUSE I AM IN FULL FESTIVE MODE.

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I went Christmas shopping today! Admittedly, I only came back with one gift, but I got so festive I feared that I would turn into a candy cane. The mall displays are in full swing, and despite my hatred for shopping, if I have the original Jingle Bell Rock playing in my ears, I think I’ll be okay.

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I ended up going to an all-you-can-eat pizza dinner with my little sister and 10-ish of her friends. For future reference, Shalom: ALL YOU CAN EAT DOES NOT MEAN EAT ALL YOU CAN. YOU WILL FEEL SICK. LIKE YOU DO RIGHT NOW. I got the pleasure of having some youngins ask me how I got my eyeliner to work (believe me, it was the only thing that did) and my reply was always, “I have no idea. I’m just part of the left wing struggle.” It was supposed to be witty, but I don’t think they got it.

Apart from the Uber troubles on the way home and the crazy contact lens struggle beforehand, I’m quite satisfied with the way today turned out. We may have lost the house keys, but WE LOST NOTHING ELSE. Apart from the little bit of dignity that ran away when we started the Harry Potter in 99 Seconds singing contest. (I won.)

Tomorrow is a job interview and possibly a day that I will vlog fully? Who knows? I got a lot done today in the way of applications, referral letters and SEEING OLD TEACHERS AT THE PIZZA PLACE. It was terrifying.

Because I’m absolute Christmas trash, I’ve decided to end all my future Blogmas posts with a  sickenigly Christmassy tune. But not Michael Buble because I’m annoyed at Santa Buddy.

MERRY 15 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

Love and light,
Shalom

Not Today | Blogmas Day 5

Today has not been a very lovely day. Unforch. Eugh.

In brief, I had to say goodbye to my person for six-ish weeks, had a run in with a parental human of mine, had a good two hour cry that left me feeling really dehydrated, and walked around a shopping centre until my feet blistered. Very gross all in all.

I’m not feeling particularly festive today at all. I haven’t even looked at the tree once. But the Vlogmas videos are getting me through it…I think? Here are some of my faves that I haven’t previously mentioned (I think?).

Yeah, I know. “Shalom, aren’t these all Louise’s videos?” YES THEY ARE. DEAL WITH IT.

Today has actually just been really shit for me, and my capacity for shitty days is very very close to zero. Half of the tub of ice-cream may have perished. Don’t judge me. Actually, do judge. I’M SEVENTEEN AND FINISHED WITH MY ENTIRE SCHOOL CAREER I AM OFF THE GRID

Have a lovely eveningdaywhatever, my friends. I’m too exhausted to make this any better. I’m so sorry. Except, I’m not sorry for myself – I’ve chosen to stop apologising for myself. This is getting ridiculous.

Love and light,
shalom