of mondays and joy

experiencing fully fledged joy that isn’t mania as a depressed person is a strange experience. it’s very alien, and today has left me fulfilled yet super tentative of tomorrow, because i know something has to go wrong or back to normal, at least. it’s regression to the mean.

in the northern hemisphere (and now, all over the world too), the third monday of january is known as “blue monday” – the supposedly most depressing day of the year. it’s recognised everywhere and people really feel terrible and everything sucks, until tuesday. on tuesday, things go back to the way they were, and people no longer feel blue. for most people with depression, it doesn’t work like that. it definitely doesn’t for me.

i’m a happy person who’s depressed. i love people, and i thrive on the happiness of others. i adore belly laughs and tired sighs from days full of loving, but my brain also doesn’t make the neurotransmitters it needs to be making, so what we get from that equation is me. i rapid cycle between excessive optimism and damning despair far too much and far too fast. i’m dealing with it okay, though.

however, today has been a really great monday.  much like this one.

i didn’t get any sleep because i don’t get sleep, and had a really teary two a.m. i freaked out because i had so much to do including mailing transcripts for university admissions (keep those fingers crossed for me please!) and an interview for Lush. LUSH. The super amazing smelling, ethically brilliant and people focused brand. I was so stoked that I got an interview, but I was pretty sure it was all going to go to shit because of how my morning went. It was 21 degrees outside and I was sweating like a Christmas goat while trying to do my eyeliner because ya girl was anxious as HECK and also I was running late for a thing with a friend. It’s okay. I got there. Then the goodness began.

Jo bought me a hazelnut honey latte and I lost my mind because it tasted so good. We ran generic errands and I bumped into a storybook boy at the printing store. STORY. BOOK. As in curly hair big smile British accent story book. BOY. I sang to him about capitalism and he had a very cute laugh. I ran away because I’m an IDIOT and Jo gave him my number. He probably won’t text, but I’m glad I met him nonetheless. I have a boy to put in my stories now. I played with a Newton’s Cradle in a birthday store and got really giddy about science.

By DemonDeLuxe (Dominique Toussaint) – Image:Newtons cradle animation book.gif, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3717500

I then almost skipped out of my interview because anxiety, but went ahead and did the damn thing. I have a trial shift on Thursday! I am SO EXCITED. I then went to get some tea, paid for a short and got upgraded to a grande for free. YES. I then got free samples of cheese and of bread at Woolworths and bought a cheese and tomato baguette that surprised me with the best tasting basil & mayo I have ever had. My eyebrows also did the damn thing. I got home and napped for three hours, ate a pie for supper, found a blog that’s probably my new favourite (do check out Dora @ For The Goldfinches because wow – follow her on instagram too! She’s a joy.) and got invited over to swim with a friend tomorrow. It’s also MLK Day, so I got to smash down some microagressions regarding not being black enough, which was exhausting but necessary. I’m glad I did. Happy birthday to my biggest writing hero, Lin-Manuel Miranda, too! There’s a gif party on twitter if you wanna come. #gifTparty

I’m a bit sad that today is over, honestly. It’s been the best day that I’ve had in years. I’m grateful for it, but also hyper aware of the fact that everything has to swing back to the middle eventually. I learned about regression to the mean from Teen Wolf. I have a weird relationship with that show.

Despite how well today went, I still have the undercurrent of despair running through me, but I’m okay with it. It’s not the loudest in this moment, and every moment that my brain allows me to just be is one I am grateful for. I’m about to knock myself out with some heavy sleeping pills, and I’m really glad that I can. On Saturday, I didn’t think I’d make it to the end of the day. Thank goodness I did though. Who else would have taught that cute boy the capitalism jingle?

love and light,
shalom xo

In Which I Consider Vision Boards and Their Effectiveness

Aside before we begin: somebody just went into my blog archives and read all my posts from when I was 15. I am cringing for them.

Do you believe in vision boards? Like, I know that you believe that they exist, because they exist, but do you believe that they work? That you can attract things into your life by…visualising them, I guess. It sounds like a lotta lotta mumbo jumbo, and I don’t know if I’m fully here for it, but it doesn’t hurt, right?

Vision boards are said to work on the law of attraction, which is “the name given to the maxim “like attracts like” which in New Thought philosophy is used to sum up the idea that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts a person brings positive or negative experiences into their life.”. Thanks, Wikipedia.

I don’t know if this is entirely true. I mean, Roald Dahl believed it to an extent, and I took most of his writings as gospel truth when I was younger:

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I still do, for the most part.

Anyway, the point is that I’ve made a vision board. Well, I’ve started it.The distinct lack of magazine-y things in my house has made it a little difficult, but it still looks pretty rad. I also made it on a day I skipped school. I haven’t put up a section regarding graduation or this degree yet. I probably should.

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Welcome to my vision board! There’s a lot of mess up here, but it’s meaningful mess. (Anyone catch my Hamilton reference?) What’s up here right now is all the things I’d like to be associated with, things I’d like to have, things I’d like to do…things that I’d like the future to bring. I seriously need to dedicate a corner to this degree.

I’m not sure what I’m aspiring to yet. I’m (1) aspiring to not being so crippled by the future or the idea of time, and I’m not too sure what else. Beyonce Knowles. (That’s a pun. Beyonce knows. Get it? I’m laughing at myself.)

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Do you really get what you give? Because I’m waiting for the truckload of all the positivity to explode on my forehead. For real. Not that I’m positive to receive positivity, but that it’d be nice to get some back. I don’t know.

If the New Radicals said it, it must be true.

Today is the coldest wintery day so far and I am loving it. I’m also about to try to convince my sister to drive me out to get Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Or any doughnuts. I’m just in need of doughnuts.

love and light,
shalom xo

positiviTUESDAY

Aloha friends! I’m up bright and early (read: I didn’t go to bed) and I’m feeling very happy.

Today is Tuesday, January 6th 2015. Some observations:

  1.  We’ve made it this far!
  2. It’s the year from Back To The Future!

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Before I get into anything and possibly make you lose interest, please listen to THIS beautiful playlist! It’s today’s soundtrack. That’s all.

I went up to the rooftop of my house today, at 5AM to take some pictures of the sky. While I was up there, I had a little exchange with the universe. I let go of so much general crappiness I was carrying and left it. I looked at the sky and danced alone on a roof and was astounded at how much of the world there is, and how easy it is to completely detach from it.

I also got a little sentimental when I realised just how beautiful a Johannesburg sunrise is, because all my life I’ve just wanted to get away from it.

And you know what I’ve realised? That’s okay. You wanna chase the sun across the earth until your 85? Do it. Wanna become a stay at home dad and upholster couches in your spare time? Do it. Have no idea what you want to do or where you’re going? It’s alright. Just don’t stop.

In South Africa, the high school class of 2014 will get their results today. People will cry. People will be overjoyed. People will feel freedom like never before. In a year’s time, I will be those people. I will panic like they are, and I will pray like they are praying. And you know what?

That’s okay.

In the song, Light It Up by Eliza and the Bear, some lyrics kinda grab me by the everything and put things into perspective:

“I lost myself in the cold, but I’m still here. I found myself growing old, but I’m still here.”

We’re all still here . And damnit, we’ll be okay.

Have a beautiful day, lovely people!

Love and light,
shalom x

Blue Monday? FOR WHO

Hi everybody! Okay, I have some confessions and excuses to make:

  1. I’m very lazy
  2. My internet has been really slow
  3. School has been ridiculous
  4. Transcribing interviews is hard
  5. I’m lazy

Now that I’ve declared my reasons for not posting ANYTHING in almost EVER, we can move forward!

I’m not a person who achieves much on regular standards. This, in turn, leaves me a lot to struggle with and little to be proud of – I mean, who am I, finally taking a shower, in comparison to someone in my grade who already has university acceptance? I don’t do much. I have a friend who thinks I do everything (that’s you, Jess), but I really don’t. Even if I do more than the average teenager does, I’m not on par with everyone or anyone. It’s as if I was born with BELOW AVERAGE stamped on my right wrist.

Today is Monday. I’ve had a good Monday! For those of you who are new subscribers (is that the WordPress word?), I have some bad days. Seriously. I know that some of you are probably SO ANNOYED by my extremely depressing rants and seemingly ridiculous panic attacks, but writing is the only way I know how to deal with them. So…yeah.

About today! I took a magnesium supplement (because I couldn’t get my real drugs *insert drugs face here* ) and had some coffee before I got to school this morning. I was late for school. My hair wasn’t tied up correctly and I felt like I was walking around with a sign with the words: “DETENTION, PLEASE” on it.

I didn’t get detention.

And so begins my list. I’ve had a good day, and I think that too often we take good days for granted. Maybe *teen girl philosophy alert* we are too comfortable and simply expect another day. Maybe it’s because we haven’t all experienced days when it really seems like the only way to make the day better is by stopping it, and ourselves completely. Maybe we just don’t give a damn.

Whatever your reasons are for or for not appreciating the good days, they’re probably valid in some sense or another.I just think that it’s really important that we remember what we have, or how great we are, or how much it takes to get up (high-five to you for getting up!). So, without further ado, here is my list of things I’m proud of/ happy about/ grateful for:

  • My anthology mark – huge English project (read here) that I got 94% FOR! (In South Africa, that’s an A+.) YASSSS
  • My friend who recently survived a suicide attempt
  • Same friend who is currently KICKING HER EATING DISORDER’S BUTT
  • Myself for having great posture all day
  • My Pinterest board called ‘Surviving High School’
  • My sisters
  • A girl I met today named Alexa
  • YouTube
  • Jessica Craven
  • Magnesium supplements
  • Cleaning my room (YAASSSSSSS)

Add some more stuff, and there you have it. I’m glad to be alive today, guys. In the words of my English teacher,

“Keep the hope alive.”

All my love,

-Scoot xx


IT’S ALMOST BEEN A YEAR