and we back

well, it’s been around three or so months since you’ve heard from me. i am alive. i am, in fact, well. i am now aware that my audience contains some people i would rather it didn’t, and i am writing anyway. i am writing anyway. hello, my friends!

i’m not sure what this post is – i don’t know if it’s a monthly me, or an update, or just words, or something to keep me busy because i’ve finished all my assigned tasks at work. you know, i’m probably gonna tag it as all of the above because who cares? who really cares? i care that i’m writing, and that’s that. onto the good stuff:

first, a message to everyone who’s given me shit for being open and honest. man, fuck you.

thank u, next! i am in love, again. this time with an aquarius that looks strikingly similar to hey arnold. i am in love with his left handed everything, the way he looks like a balloon made of heart emojis about to burst, the way he is excited by every aspect of being alive, and the way he loves. it’s nice to know that i am not somehow a disaster magnet. after the ex, the lies, the hurt, the ex’s ex, the new girl – i felt like i attracted everything i tried so hard not to. until i stopped trying, and an old friend asked me to dinner. i almost said no. say yes, my friends.

i am in school! still! despite almost dropping out last semester – that was a wild night of panic attacks and rain – i am still here, still double majoring in linguistics and communication, still kicking names and taking ass. it’s going alright. i’m currently in my most difficult linguistics class to date and i’m still sort of looking forward to it? i love words. i love language. i love/hate the brain scramble that comes from studying it.

i wrote this last semester and i love it. it makes me think when i reread it. you can read it too, now:


i like to be, and to go. sometimes, the going is the only good part – the end is simply that: an end.  sometimes the end is a big sigh that feels like it could have come earlier or later – nothing special about the moment in and of itself. but even if the end is somewhat disappointing, the journey always holds promise. sometimes, everything lies in the getting there. sometimes the cotton candy sky out of the window and the chips dropped on the floor of the back seat is enough for you to step back and say, yes – this life, this is mine. sometimes it’s a laugh you haven’t heard before or a tender touch you never expected that makes you open your eyes wide enough for the first time in years. sometimes it’s the people you meet on the way, and sometimes it’s the way the summer peels with your heart in late august.


the journey is your hand out the window. it is the inside joke you missed and made up for yourself. it is the dream that you come to see you are living. it is the realization that you will survive. it is the surviving. the journey is surviving, and if you can cherish surviving, who needs an end?

i’m back. i love being back. happy february.

love and light,
shalom xo

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currently #4

currently, i am sat in a barnes and noble in new jersey, typing away on candice,(pronounced kan-dees) my new computer. i’m sipping on a starbucks iced vanilla latte that i got along with a fancy cheese and pesto panini sandwich (??) and a packet of chips for $8 ($8.55 after tax, because nobody told americans that a good idea would be to include the full price including tax on the shelves) and i’m confused about why they’d give me a venti for the same price as a tall. also, everything is air conditioned and it throws me off, man. america.

currently, i’m sat looking at a building that, much like the university, predates the independence of the united states. the trains from new york and further north come past every so often; right now one’s going in the other direction but i don’t know my bearings well enough to tell you where it’s headed. people get off and walk with purpose, and others breeze through the wind before summer rain. a man with a briefcase and sunglasses on his head looks up at the cloudy sky, and shakes his head at himself.

currently, i’m listening to come on eileen and thinking of 2014 and grade 11. i’m thinking of jessica craven and a joke about a red dress. i’m thinking of a history teacher that made me realise i never want to act less intelligent than i am for anyone’s comfort, ever again. i’m wondering about the time at home (it’s 10:34 pm) while it’s 4:34 in the afternoon here. i’m thinking of yasmin and her cat, and her line jumping sister. bless, wits comedy jam.

currently, i am regretting the aforementioned iced vanilla latte. i forgot that i don’t do caffeine very well anymore. it probably has something to do with my medication, which sets my resting heart rate at 122 bpm. my doctor was a liiiiiiitle terrified, but i’m always terrified, so it’s okay. i’m okay. i’m berating myself for not taking my meds on time because time zones messed up my schedule, and while i never suffered from jetlag, all the lil shortages of neurotransmitters in my head did.

currently, i’m wondering how real all of this is. i made the big mistake of re-reading jean paul sartre’s nausea on the plane, and the big existential think that is my daily disposition flew into overdrive. i’ve been stuck in that overdrive for the week that i’ve been here. so far, all that really helps bring me back is the reality of how broke i am, and the tunes of walk the moon and the arctic monkeys. ~argumentative, and you’ve got the face on.~

currently, i’m exploding with adoration and ultimate affection towards everyone, per usual, but especially towards everyone who’s made my settling in that much easier. to sophia, my darling, and all of her friends (jenna, cris, jonathan, john, sophie, tara, kate) have all been such dears. soph carts me around in her silver four wheeled carriage, and i almost cry every time i see her. to my mama, who came with me and grounded me every time my brain flew me off too far away, and to everyone – especially my ex drama teacher – who sent a kind message after i updated my number. you’re all so important to me.

currently, i am in america. i don’t know. currently, i am in america and i don’t know.

(i think i’m okay with it.)

love and light,
shalom xo