Bravado

This week has been something.

I went from crying for seven straight hours to not crying at all. It may not seem like a world altering change, but when your eyes are suddenly unpuffy and nobody’s asking you what you’ve been drinking for the whole week, it makes a bit of a difference.

I was stuck with an English essay that provoked procrastination from every crevice of my being. The essay topic was alright, but one of the short stories that we were working on just…ah, it did nothing for me. It was (a) more of a novella than a short story, (b) had a rapist as the narrator on moral authority. I just got very tired reading it. It’s an excellently written story, though. I think that everything happening in my country about rape culture at the moment made me a little apprehensive.

I just submitted my essay a whole 12 hours before it’s due. I’m feeling quite accomplished. (This is a lie. I am not.)

I’ve got a little bit of time tonight because I am neglecting my law & philosophy readings. I feel as though my room is conspiring against me: My doorknob sliced my finger when I entered, and now it won’t stop showing me that in less time than I can adequately comprehend, I will have been alive for eighteen years.

Eighteen doesn’t seem like a long time, and birthdays don’t seem like a big deal, but if you’ve been around this little corner of the internet, you’ll know that I don’t do well with birthdays. The ABEC (Annual Birthday Existential Crisis) comes to town a month before my birthday, usually. Being the Americanest American to ever American, my birthday is on July 4th. (The bitch is early this year.)

I think this has all started because I’m listening to my favourite music from 2013. I loved Lorde in 2013. Everything she sang made sense to me. In 2013, I was a 15 year old in 10th grade struggling with physics dating a twin boy. I wanted to dance more than anything, I wanted to sit on tennis courts with my then-boyfriend and his brother, my then-best friend and our little clan, drinking out of paper cups. I wanted to be able to describe my year as the feeling of wind on your hand when you stick your arm out of the car window on a roadtrip.

Today, in 2016, I’m still faking glory. I’m trying to convince myself that when the lights come on, I’ll be ready. I have been ready, for the most part. I’ve fooled everyone into thinking I have been, at least. Every day is a pill tipped back, every day a brand new story. Everything is for the applause, in the most selfish way possible. Does that make any sense?

I’m walking to 18 slowly, and it’s running at me. I’m trying to find my own bravado before it crashes into me.

I’m also going to move to New York in 3-ish years.

Love and light,
shalom xo


featured image from this 8tracks mix

Smooth Criminals & Straight Boys

Ah, yes. Shalom was about to ruin her schedule, during the first week of her schedule. Excellent.

Greetings! I have survived orientation week and not one, but two  ridiculous college parties. I love water, and also green juices the morning after. I do not love getting my things stolen.

At yesterday night’s Fresher’s Party -which was CRAZY GOOD until the incident -I had 8k worth of stuff stolen from me. My new phone, my headphones, and my makeup bag (????) were all taken from my bag, which was on my person and zipped closed, by some slick af thieves. Kinda like in that movie, Focus, when they pickpocket the people at that street market without anyone knowing. No? It’s this first scene. Watch this.

Yeah. Exactly like that.

In any case,  I’m without phone and without my people avoiding headphones. My phone has since been blacklisted and my Uber account disabled (see mom? I told you that we could). I’m very tired, and all round very sad.

I have also since lost all of my pictures of the parties. While the strain in my legs will remind me of the insane amount of dancing that occurred, I’ve got zero pictures of me & the people I love, having a great time.

Also, for the record: STRAIGHT BOYS GET OUT.

  • You have no permission to fetishize queer girls at all
  • You have no permission to touch queer girls at all
  • Queer girls owe you nothing
  • Do not ask queer girls with other girls if they are interested in you
  • THEY ARE NOT
  • Leave them alone
  • Stop trying to convert (??????!!!??!) queer girls
  • Seriously??
  • Screw you
  • You know who you are

Ah. Now that that’s all been said, I’m almost ready to start being extremely sad about starting the first week of lectures without headphones. Or a cellphone. I’m down in every phone department. And also in the liquid eyeliner and brow kit department.

Things are very gross right now. I’m at the mercy of two Canadian schools in terms of scholarships, I’m really worried about losing my relationships because of LIFE, I’m being very ill-disciplined when it comes to taking my meds, and I’m scared to start my English course. Ugh.

Also, tonight was Lennox’s birthday party & I couldn’t go re: rain, INTENSE SAD, car troubles, 8000 bucks more broke…

All round, it’s been shit. But I’ve been listening to Years Years Bears by Dodie Clark and Tom Rosenthal a lot & still don’t get it 100%, but now that my phone and my DELUXE COPY OF BADLANDS is gone, I’m finding myself with more time to listen to some of my youtube faves again.

be a better human if you can.

love and light,
shalom

featured image from flickr here.

Guess Who’s Back

How does one start these things? Yeesh. A month is a long time to be away from blogging.

Hello, readers! If you’re returning, get comfortable – your seat has been waiting & warmed. If you’re new, the new passengers’ seating is located by clicking the ‘follow’ button on your right. (Just kidding. You’re welcome, follower or not.)

Since December 2015, a lot has changed. Welcome to 2016! Congrats on making it this far. Here’s a list of things you should have left & brought with you, courtesy of Nathan Zed – one of my top five favourite youtubers at the moment, and also the funniest. And smartest. And one with the best hairline. (I like him a lot.)

Quick recap of January:

  • Matric results (Confused? Look here and here.)
  • Finished uni applications!
  • DRAMA. Family, friend, internet – you name it. All of it.
  • Said goodbye to so many of my friends who started new adventures in Cape Town, the UK, Stellenbosch, Rhodes, Mafikeng, Pennsylvania, Any Other Place That Does Not Permit Me To Get To Them In Under Three Hours…
  • Got dreadlocks? Hopefully, one day they look like Tiffany Ima’s – style icon and ULTIMATE EVERYTHING. That’s her in the featured image.
  • Started uni in SA in the hopes developing my brain before the HOPEFUL OVERSEAS ADMISSIONS LETTERS COME
  • Bank card. Bank fees. Bank. Gross.
  • DID NOT BUY DOMAIN BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE $18.
  • Lived in filth, i.e. my bedroom & the couch in the lounge that I inhabited (and have since been chased away from).
  • The theme has changed! The About & Welcome pages will be changing, too, soon enough.

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My life currently consists of cards, cords, and contact lens solution.

The heatwave and drought South Africa is experiencing right now makes just about zero things easier. I’m melting, my eyeliner is melting, my ice-cream is melting, my patience is melting…things are a little crazy up in here.

Despite it all, I’m making it. My future is still a little (read: EXTREMELY) uncertain, and I’m not sure what’ll happen in the next six months. Hopefully, it involves a scholarship or two, and a flight to a colder part of the world.

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David and I have similar to-d0 lists. I, however, am without a single Apple device.

I’ll be posting on Tuesdays and Saturdays this year, and maybe a little more frequently when (a) important things are happening, or (b) a mosquito has bitten my finger and I need to move it. Both situations are applicable today.

Thanks for sticking with me, team internet! I know a handful of you personally, but the majority of you all think that I’m interesting enough to read what I have to say. I appreciate you all, and I hope that 2016 is a heck of a wave that we can all ride together. On separate boards. Mostly because I have no idea how to surf and wouldn’t want to drown you all.

love and light,
shalom

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photos from death to the stock photo here, and first covers here.