and is it worth the risk
just to crash your car for the sound of it?
– hannah, coin
Bottomless void and friends, it’s the end! Of October, I mean. October is over. What happened this month? This is a fun one to write because I spent most of this month manic and/or dissociating. Still, I made it to the end of it and so did you, and we’re all here so we may as well experience this experiment in oversharing and overdocumenting together.
from the camera roll
If you’ve read any of the all two (wow Shalom calls herself a writer but never writes Obisie-Orlu) posts I got up in the last month, you’ll know that I am currently coming down from the longest manic episode of my life. It’s been a lot of stress and confusion and dissociating, but it’s been okay because I survived it. Someday, I’ll write about the shit, but first I must survive it. I survived October!
Class is happening and university is happening, again. I’ve settled in okay, and I have some really good people in my corner in terms of where I live. Demarest Hall (shoutout Junot Diaz – he lived there) is full of freaks and geeks and a couple of gross frat bros, but its mostly just people who were lucky enough to meet their people there. It’s been nice living in a space that’s just art. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s what I have to say about Demarest.
I managed to write some good poetry this month, and got a couple of articles in re freelance because I’m a writer. My anxiety is a big mess and I haven’t collected my last paycheck from my old job (you know the one that I was excited about and then got fired from? That’s the one.) even though I could very much use the $100.
My letters from Dora arrived and I spent an afternoon reading them and sobbing (see last camera roll photo) because I have so much love for that woman. Wow. Actually, here’s something:
- What an encourager, what a woman.
- WISE. My owl friend.
- God, I am so privileged to call her friend.
- Such a knack for photographing and reviewing good spots? I wish I was good at that? I am so glad that she is?!
- Truly a lover and a fighter. Kindred spirits, me and Dora. Goodness me, do I love her.
What else have I got for this month? I got terribly ill. I’m on the mend but I was so sick it was a problem. I’ve been having a bit of more of an identity crisis than usual but mostly because of my accent. You know the voice in your head? The one that sounds like you. In my head, I sound somewhat English. Not entirely, but somewhat. When I’m with my mom and siblings, I have a mix of that accent, an American accent my entire family has, and then some of my parents’ Nigerian accent as a mixer for the whole thing. While I’ve been here without my siblings, I’ve just sounded very English, and I fear that I’m a fraud for it. I know I’m not, because it’s not a conscious choice really – I’m just trying to hold onto a bit of myself while here. Has this little bit of a waffle made any sense? We’ll never know.
I went to shows this month! The big one was the LANY concert in New York which was stupendifyingly good, but I also went to a basement show that introduced me to probably my favourite band at the moment. Anyway here are the tunez okay good on with it!
i’m an antisocial socialite; your mother says “you’re so polite” – it’s disgusting
Easy new fave. Easy. I saw them at a basement show in New Brunswick in mid-October and while they put on a really good show (even without their guitarist) I was more shook by the lyrics? Apart from the fact that they did the thing where lyrics carry meaning if you listen twice but the music accompanying it is so good you can enjoy it in passing, the lyrics are so clever and I am so impressed? It may be because I noticed my writing style in they lyrics, or because “skinny lovin’, what’s your style?” made me want to make stuff, but Shoobies lyrics are 9/10.
they say we’re going to hell, let’s find a cheap motel and stay a couple nights
we’ll connect eventually if you stay you and i change me
and if i play this every morning and time my stepping out of the door with the guitar? none of you will have anything to say about it.
snippets of internal monologue
- Look, if you’re actually crazy on paper then can you just say yes? Are you mad?Clinically, Janet, yes.
- For Halloween I am…what is this? Corset girl?
- Shut your mouth Shalom “my-eyebrows-are-eyeshadow” Obisie-Orlu. You just stop.
- Uh, if I get approached by the police, I’ll just tell them I’m dead. Sorry! Can’t arrest a dead gal! Happy Halloween!
until the next, dear friends.
love and light,