monthly me | september ’17

when your heart was open wide,
and you loved things just because
like the sick and the dying

– rilo kiley

Hey gang. No exclamation points here but I am here and I have returned for the only thing in my life that is consistent. Are you well?

from the camera roll

september

September, in truth, was my first full month in America. It’s been a lot.

This month, I (officially) started uni. Again. It’s been a strange time, because despite my having done this “wow so new!” thing before, I’m doing it on a different continent. It makes for interesting character development to say the least. I’m living in a dorm for the first time, because I definitely did not do that last year. Several of my two-days-straight-without-moving-from-bed days would have been made infinitely less possible with a roommate like 50 other people on the floor.

I’ve done a lot of watching, to tell you the truth. After my trip to New York and the UN (a really, really good time) I moved in and started class. I’m a little upset at how juvenile things are. The uni classes have been like a slap in the face – that is, they slapped me back to high school. Like, homework and attendance and participation points? Where am I? Is 2013 Shalom okay? Not to negate the upstanding nature of the university or anything, it’s just that it’s a little bit of a backwards shock after last year’s uh. Year.

Teenagers are in love and it’s both revolting and heartwarming to watch. Really, by the second week of class, there were about five or six couplings that happened within the dorm. I’ve grown tired of people meaning well and telling me, “you’ll find someone”. How many times can I flick a recent high school graduate on the nose and yell, “DID I ASK?” in my head? Every day, the number rises. Stay tuned for updates.

I’m not a sour Sally about people being happy. I could never be – I thrive on happiness, especially that of others. It’s part of my “give too much of myself and try to fill the space with positive reactions from others” complex. I’m worried about how it’ll mess up our dynamic as a family (because our hall is a family – I’m the mom. It’s fitting.) if things go south.

That said, the community I live with is lovely. The RAs are lovely, my roommate is lovely, the boys who live next door and ask me to use a bowl when they’ve run out are lovely. There are a lot of Cancerians on the floor – something like 9? Maybe that’s responsible for the vibe.

My brain, she’s trying. I had a follow up appointment with psychiatric services on Friday that I did not go to, but we all know I should have – myself included. I don’t know. I’m currently manic, and I’m a bit worried about myself. I wish I could stop thinking that everyone actually just puts up with me. I wish my hair didn’t make me so dysphoric. I also wish I had money and didn’t get fired, but here we are. Thanks, September.

tunes & vids

but the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
and it teases you for weeks in its absence

when you outgrow a lover / the whole world knows but you

put on your makeup, i laid out your favourite sweater
it’s just a number darling, dry your eyes

doilooklikeimleftoffbadandboujee?

other loves

  • “Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark.” – I bet you do.
  • I read some very good fics this month. I should text Chyanne about them.
  • Beanby! We have a beanbag chair. He’s called beanby, and he’s been home to many a cry time. A good boy, a kind boy.
  • My drama teacher sent me a message saying she’s proud of me, and I haven’t opened the message because I look at it every day. (Thank you, Meghan.)

 

snippets of internal monologue

  • how much can i actually twist until i pretzel?
  • i can feel the blood moving in my veins. what is this? am i becoming something else?
  • narrator: manic. she was becoming manic.
  • i just want to not be uncomfortable with the things that everyone is happy about and that i am happy about but can’t process because brain oh BRAIN
  • i’d be a good thanksgiving sacrifice. not a lot of meat though, all the gross fatty bits.

It’s almost after one. I haven’t eaten or gotten any of the very pressing work I should have gotten done, done. I’d appreciate an injection of clarity and non-impulse filled motivation, because that gets my shit rocked. Really.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | august ’17

The others can believe what they like, but I don’t believe for a second that this is the real August and the other an aberration.
And yet,  I can see how they might be fooled —

~ Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants

August happened. Is still happening, as I write this. I’m reminded that this time last year was the first time I made one of these Monthly Me posts. It’s a bit strange now, when I look back on that August. Somehow, “I don’t believe for a second that this is the real August.” It sounds silly, or obscure at best, but it does the job when I’m looking for a descriptor for my feelings. In any case, August.

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Right. To begin, August has gone both agonisingly slowly and astoundingly quickly. The month began on a hill with my dear, Yasmin – who you may have become rather well acquainted with due to my frequent mentions of her and me being complete jokes singing Mary Lambert into the void and laughing about free unsweetened coffee and Macklemore. On August 5th, I began a 35 hour journey from home to new home-ish. It gets dark much later than I’m used to here, and I find myself confused at 7:30 PM because my brain and body thinks it’s 5 PM latest.

I had my parental parties with me for a week here, and I mostly just slept and went to Walmart. American shops are strange. Why are vegetables so expensive here? Systematic obesity, that’s why. All the things are crazy big here and wastefulness is terribly inherent. Except, people make a big deal of recycling. A very big deal.

My university is a goodie. By the time this is published, I’ll have moved in and just completed my leadership and advocacy program. I will also probably be crying or almost crying about near everything. I am, per usual, desperately unprepared for everything and frantically planning what little finances I have. I am, however, the newest employee of the Barnes and Noble on my campus! The things are happening and while I’m mostly terrified about everything, I’m okay with it.

SOPHIA IS GREAT. I finally met my roommate who I’d been talking to for five months prior, and our dynamic is just as good as it was over the internet, and infinitely better than the best that I could have hoped for in person. I spent the last two and a half weeks of the month in a sublet with some lovely housemates and one hell of a cat. Nalu is a mission but also a miracle. I love that boy.

August held such strange promise for me at the beginning of the year. I want to say, “Look! So much has changed!” but the biggest shift has been one of location, and despite flying for forever, the ground underneath my feet is still steady. I got here. It took a lot, and is still taking a lot, but I got here. And I got a job at the coolest cafe. And I have the coolest girl for my roommate and soul sister and forever friend. And I lived with the coolest cat for two weeks. I’m trying to stay ahead, but I’m gonna give ahead a slip and try for fully alive.

 

tunes n vids

the weather may be stormy, but the road is still before me
so pedal to the metal and drive

it could be weird, but i think i’m into it
you know i’m one for the overly passionate

oh, my heart hurts so good
i love you babe, so bad, so bad

oh, good god. this is a lot.

 

buncha other loves

  • My housemates upstairs and the stellar lil dinner we had the other night! Preston and Rachel, y’all are gems.
  • Nalu, my cat that’s not my cat.
  • Luna! My new electric-acoustic ukulele! Y’all! Life!
  • Uh, the new Kingsman II trailer. HELLO. EGGSY HELLO. HARRY’S BACK.

eggsy: we’ve got the brains, skills…skipping rope?

 

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snippets of internal monologue

  • 3 feet? That’s half a man!
  • Nobody. Has. Kettles.
  • Okay, this tax thing is getting stupid. This is stupid. I’m tired.
  • I don’t think I’ll ever read Neruda without feeling feeling again. Shalom,.the fic wasn’t even that emotional! Please girl. Get a grip. Tell Chyanne about it.
  • OOOH ground SWALLOW ME UP just like that!!!

 

That’s it done. That’s August, done. Do you mean to tell me that the end of the year is stealthily approaching and that I’m ignoring it? Well, I could have told you that.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | june ’17

Alright. OKAY. We are in the seventh month of the year, I have a migraine, and I think I’m almost out of applesauce – this was June!

from the camera roll

 

june.

June was a weird one, I gotta say. I spent most of June falling desperately deep into a low that I’m yet to come out of, and the rest of it in bed trying to come out of it. I learned that I can squat 50 kg and that I hate spin classes, and I also dropped my phone in the toilet. Incredible. Incredible is a word I use most often these days, and I’ve found myself shortening it to “incred” – it freaks me out a tad and I don’t know why. June. Lots of “feels bad man” eating disorder mentality moments. Overly excited to see Matt’s new post! June? In June I went to Collision Conference which was full of really fancy lights and really good thoughts to go home with and also Rich Wilkerson, Jr – the guy who married Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? I didn’t know that about him. In any case, he’s rad af, and Collision was a soul stunner. I appreciated every second apart from the baptism of my phone.

This month also saw me being…uh…financially reckless, to say the least. My check (?) for the articles I wrote in May & June hasn’t been delivered and my savings account took a beating because ya girl was (read: is perpetuallybroke. Processing financial aid without a US address is…a mess, to say the least. I’m dealing with the fact that my birthday is no longer sneaking up on me but is instead ramming me in the face with anxiety, and that I’m leaving the country in a month, by reading copious amounts of Supernatural fanfiction. Unashamed. 4 weeks. Yikes.

June brought about pride and the one year anniversary of the Pulse Orlando shooting. My heart is heavy.

 

tunes + vidzzz

with my feelings on fire / guess i’m a bad liar
(heaven knows why i listened to this for two days straight)

This month has been re-falling in love withe the 1975 the same way i did in 2012 – oh BOY. i’ve listened to (long title) i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it almost every day, and it’s not an album i’ve ever wanted to cherry pick off of. Initially, I loved The Sound and UGH! more than everything else on the record, but y’all, it is one hell of a record. I listen to it from track one to track 17 the whole way through, and while it’s long as hell, it’s uh…incred. I’ve also been listening to everything off of their first record again, and it’s funny how music feels same same but different after 5 years.

a Very Good piece of Art

i’m too busy to finish —

snippets of internal monologue

  • never. EVER. ever. touching whiskey again. NEVER.
  • if i can’t get out of bed because i didn’t take my meds because i can’t get out of bed, is the root of the problem more like a leaf? or a stem?
  • Shalom, exactly what do you think you’re taking to the US? What actually. What are you doing. WHAT ARE WE DOING
  • “maybe i’m just trying to distract myself from my mortality” – sounds about VERY RIGHT

July is happening and 19 is happening and I still have a migraine. I’m trying to do more. Write every day, go outside every day, take my meds every day, eat every day – I’m trying. This was a weak as hell outro.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me| may ’17

May: the lilacs are in bloom. Forget yourself.

I gotta get this post up today. I have this rule that if the 5th of the month passes and I don’t have a “monthly me” up, then the month is cancelled. Now, I don’t do well with the passing of time in general, much less the cancellation of an entire month. So, without further ado: May.

May was… intense. I think. A lot of time blurs into itself if you spend enough time thinking about how we abstractly separate it.  In May I joined a gym and started a lifting guide, and have been told off three times now by the same trainer. He has this idea that I care about whether he thinks I’m too muscly. (I don’t care.) I’m working out and enjoying it for the most part, though the hardest part is talking to my brain and trying to stay in a healthy mindset rather than slipping back into my disordered eating mindset. Granted weight restored doesn’t mean brain recovered and it’s a process, but I wish it were easier.

In May my friend got married! MARRIED! Their wedding photos are incredible and I’m mad at this much ocean between continents that stopped me from going. Congrats to the newlyweds who are now #HappilyHoisted.

This month I received the stellar news that I’m going to roughly $100k in debt once I graduate. It’s hilarious. Can you feel my laughter? SO much laughter. I’m mostly laughing because I thought I was going to start my life off debt free, but when the controller of your life, apparently, decides that you will and must suffer, you will and do suffer. Litty titty. It’s ridiculous as hell and I can’t really talk about what’s going on on here anymore (because of uh, wandering eyes [yikes amirite]) so I’m doomed to mostly maniacal laughter and dangerous thoughts and rants to my roommate.

May. What else? I spent a lot of time in Starbucks and Mugg & Bean (you know Starbucks, M&B is a South African coffee chain that does all day breakfast and some good wine) and have come to the shocking conclusion that the year I have spent out of school has drastically reduced my caffeine tolerance. I got dizzy and shivery after a latte – a latte! It’s mostly milk! – and had to drink maybe 3 glasses of water before I stopped shaking like a leaf.

Aah, yes. BEDIM! Needless to say, I didn’t exactly complete BEDIM. I got (if I counted correctly) 15 posts up last month and had a lot of ideas but also had a lot of depression naps. I’m gonna try a post-a-day program soon again. Maybe for NaBloPoMo? WHO KNOWS. Will we even be alive by November? Will I have died from the crippling pressure of impending debt? WHO. KNOWS. MY DUDES.

tunes n vids

these memories are nothing to me / they’re just salt in the wound

sav brown is one of my biggest writing inspirations and also her voice is maybe the most calming thing i have ever heard.

maybe the most ‘me’ title to ever exist? | we’ve never met but, can we have a coffee or something?

Snippets of internal monologue

  • This is funny. What else is funny? Perhaps my death? The coming of the Lord? My death?
  • YASMIN AND I, WE WILL FOREVER BE JOKES. I AM A JOKE.
  • Girl, add them to your do not text list. You cannot be talking to people who leave you broke AND upset!

May: the lilacs are in bloom. Forget yourself.

love and light,
shalom xo

featured image from death to stock

monthly me | april ’17

Well, let it pass, he thought; April is over, April is over. There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.

– F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Sensible Thing

I’ll probably start every post near the end of April or the beginning of May with this quote. I love it a whole lot, and every time I read it I’m reminded of the same things and a million things I hadn’t thought of in a while. Anyway, April is over! April is over, and I have had a better month than I thought I would.

from the camera roll

 

tunes + vids

this is one of the funniest videos i have seen in a really long time, and i can’t tell you why. i love it a ridiculous amount. thank you hank green.

april has been…

April has been better. I came out of March feeling very hazy, and I’m feeling a little better coming out of April. To be honest, I’m feeling a lot better. I’ve settled into a groove of being more okay with being as alone as I am. I’ve found that isolation means saving money, and I’m ending off the month with a positive bank balance for the first time since…ever? I like the church I’m at now. I like the focus of love, I like the sincerity of the people, I like the way it’s not commercialised, and I like that there are no isolating judgements. People are people, and loving them is what I do and it’s all good.

I’m feeling very okay – not phenomenally excellent, or particularly horrid. Just okay. Very okay. April has been too much and enough – the precarious balance that I long and live for. My brain is easing into itsng in love with every person I meet is the biggest strength and weakness that I have, but I’m easing into that too.

obsessions

  • Holiday Club 2017! Holiday club was the most fun & exhausting & rewarding week I’ve had in a long time. Spending a week with 150 kids and getting to watch them just be was incredible. There was so much love going around, and so much ice cream on Friday.  Too much ice cream.
  • Re-watching seasons 1-3 of New Girl. Oh my GOD. I mentioned how I’ve spent a lot of time noticing where my mannerisms come from, and the answer for the majority of them is season 1 & 2 Nick Miller. I didn’t realise how much I picked up from New Girl until I did this rewatch. It is madness – from the way Schmidt shortens words to the way Nick moonwalks away from situations and says things are the opposite of what he wants, there is a fundamental part of 2012 Shalom that owes herself to New Girl on Fox.
  • Nerdwriter episodes are quickly becoming some of my favourite things on the internet. I adore the video essay format, I adore the thinking behind each episode, I adore the content… I love it. I recommend watching a couple of them. (Also, watch The Prestige.)

Today there is a Harry Potter quiz with spaces that are near impossible to get, and I snagged a table for six. I am EXCITED. Today also marks the start of BEDIM, my newest project. BEDIM stands for a blog every day in May, and I’m ready to be creatively juiced by the end of it. The end of April also marks the two and a half month mark until I leave South Africa, and I’m hoping that anxiety can override the birthday anxiety. Issa lot.

Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right. This is how we fight.

Thanks, April. It is well.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | march ’17

March…happened. It’s already foggy.

Some thoughts on March:

My brain is a big hazy space now. I can’t remember what I did this month. I can’t remember how I felt, even though I wrote some of it down, I can’t process that March is over, and I can’t understand why it’s not getting better. I mean, I kind of understand. It’s just a lot. The Oscars happened? (Edit: I remember! I spent a day at Wits with some friends and rolled on the floor far too much. What a day.)

In March, I started going to a new (old) (new) church really near me, and I’ve been enjoying it. I feel a bit freer, being somewhere other than where I’ve been for most of my life. We have bible study on Thursdays and talk about whether religion means anything, and if things are as literal as they seem (no), and all learn from questions. It’s a lovely bunch. Good eggs.

I baked so many cakes? There are three March birthdays in my family. I took some more steps to driving, even though I hate it and the idea and everything to do with it. Yikes. I became increasingly fond of my roommate, and I’m excited to live with her. She’s wonderful.

March wasn’t good enough. It was grey and unmemorable, and I felt grey and unmemorable, but I am good enough. Good enough to be here still. Good enough to be expanding ever outwards with the universe. Good enough to take in all I can, despite how foggy it all is.

Waking up at noon or at five in the afternoon will contribute to the fogginess. I feel like I’m not really here, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m leaving sooner than I thought. I am moving my life in two suitcases. Time is happening and I’m just dissociating, rather than acting in the time. I don’t know. I also cut off all of my hair, and then got really long twists. I’m a human Newton’s Cradle. Swinging is exhausting.

Music

everything will be better when you come out, out of it

you think i’m in control / you think it’s all for fun / is this fun for you?
essentially, me yelling at people yelling at me yelling at my brain on repeat.

i’m a little much for everyone / you’re gonna watch me disappear into the sun

Snippets of internal monologue

  • The fact appears to be that I am the embodiment of that Hozier song. I fall in love with everyone. It’s like a permanent crush on the whole world. Is that why my chest is so full when I see people?
  • I hope I get it. *breaks into A Chorus Line*
  • Rewriting the L-phabet with all the Ls I’m taking.

I’m gonna try again for April. Breathing’s just a rhythm. (thanks, regina.)

love & light,
shalom xo

monthly me | february ’17

February is done (what?) and the last two posts have been incredibly depressing (expected?) and this is about to be a recap of the month in which I managed to get the least amount of stuff done. Ever.

february was…

quick. Too quick. I sent out 19 job applications and got 19 rejections (I’m fairly certain I’m setting up some sort of rejection record here), went thrift shopping and bought a jacket that will change my life when I wear it (I’m certain), and started a workout routine that I stopped soon after. I went to a Pretoria party and will not be doing so again. No sir. No thank you kind fellows. I had a lot of pancake breakfasts at 3pm and turned my sleep schedule so far inside out that I’m on the time schedule of someone who lives in California. I live in GMT+2. I sleep in GMT-8. I need to fix that.

edit: i also had my first breakout in my life. ever. it was a LOT. it’s still ongoing and for the first time in ever, there are pimples that should be paying rent on my forehead. dammit. just when i thought i had one thing going for me.

music

i have no fave lyrics from this. i just really love this song and chance the rapper. ASHENEEDEWASUM

this guy wants you but ONLY WITH YOUR CONSENT (please play this everywhere omg)

when you’re broken on the ground, you will be found

obsessions

  • Chance the Rapper’s verse in The Way by Kehlani
  • MOOCs from EdX & Coursera – I did a bunch of these in Psychology and Sociology before going to uni & they helped me out a bunch. So here I am, once again, learning something else for free. I love the internet.
  • This post from Mich – she’s a phenomenal writer and has a blog that’s just as wonderous. “Good night, Dr. John; you are good, you are beautiful; but you are not mine.

snippets of internal monologue

  • What if Trump destroys the world and then steals taxpayers money like he always does and then travels to one of the new planets?
  • Que in French and que in spanish Spanish sound very different and very obnoxious to be spelled the same.
  • If I cut my hair — no, I won’t cut my hair. But I want to cut my — no, mom wants me to cut my hair. But if (continue for three hours.)

The rest of this month was mostly memes and botched French practice. I got into college though! Yes, that’s fairly massive. I got into Rutgers University and it’s all kinds of exciting. I mean, I hope it will be.

The first week of March is almost through. The rest of 2017 awaits.  (thank goodness.)

love & light,
shalom xo

monthly me | januARI ’17

deep breath. big sip of water. hope, dismay, repeat.

this is january.

january

january has just been a lot. i don’t know how else to explain it. this month i lost a job i never had (but 100% had in my mind), found out that i am fat (and had it consistently reaffirmed by people who think my body is their business), ran so many errands for my mom (because i’m not in school and i don’t have a job and i am essentially a bum) and wrote. i wrote some pretty good pieces this month. i’m proud of them. the trump presidency is…a disgrace and disaster of biblical proportions.

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i don’t know what we can do to fix it. i mean, i guess i have to become president. boop. but for real, it’s been a mess and i’ve been cutting ties like i do fresh bread because i’m not here for nazi sympathisers. watch your wrist if you punch one, friends.

from the camera roll

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i had no sleep and was thinking too much. so i got a breakfast bowl.

on repeat

talk with your fingertips
don’t stop the car, let’s drive

suck on your amber lips
just give me one bad night

i think of this song in the context of my friend, dani, and also how i’m tom incarnate.

friends, sometimes when you’re on, you’re really fucking on. (i’m gonna write a whole post on this song because it’s fits too well.)

obsessions

ARI FITZ.

man. don’t even let me start. this month has been januARI.

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ari fitz invented jawlines, facial expressions, cheekbones, tomboyish style, and tiny geometric tattoos. facts only. i’m enamoured with her style, her boldness, her carefree black girl realness & her die hard attitude. ari is intelligent and talented beyond measure, inspiring in a way i didn’t think i could think someone could be, and extremely gorgeous. y’all. my knees are the weakest.

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she makes videos every single day, and is the curator of the tomboy-style instagram & channel, the tomboyish (@the.tomboyish). ari is a big voice on androgyny in style & accepting and channeling one’s masculinity and femininity together. (did you know that androgyne is literally greek for male-female? andro – male; gyne – female. lit.) 11/10 would recommend. y’all seeing that? eleven out of ten.

other obsessions include

  • the never ending job hunt
  • the college apps check (login, sigh, logout, repeat)
  • crackerbread
  • tea in the morning

snippets of internal monologue

  • SHALOM. you can’t just run a 5k. you can’t just do things like that! do you understand?
  • are you ever going to edit that portugal vlog? (i did. it’s here.)
  • where in the HELL am i going to university LORD

today someone told me to keep writing. i had my freelance pitches rejected SO HARD, so i really needed to hear that. keep doing what keeps you up. it’s 5:21 AM here. here’s to february and resistance and progress. please, lord. progress.

love & light,
shalom xo

monthly me | october 2016

I’m a little shocked that it’s already November, but mostly relieved that this hellhole of a year is coming to a close. October was treacherous, and filled with work and being broke and protests and stress and anticipation and love and sadness and pride. Also, my laptop broke, and I haven’t managed to have her fixed. So. October.

from the camera roll

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walk home from the bus ft. sunset. #blessed

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bless you, picnics and popsicles

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joburg pride ’16

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picnic with high school friends and new friends and a massive afternoon of love.

october

I spent most of October trying to find out what I mean to the people who mean the world to me. I took myself out a couple of times and paid up my outstanding amount on my flight to Lisbon! I’ve been preoccupied with the Portuguese city because I’m headed there in TWO WEEKS and cannot wait. Joburg Pride was amazing, and the solidarity was ridiculously awesome. There was so much love in the sapce. I also considered whether I was falling in love or whether I just wanted to squeeze my friends really tight and tell them I adore them – the latter was correct. October also saw me being faced with literally life-changing decisions with regards to my moving from South Africa, and making split second choices over coffee. I think I’ve made the right one.

obsessions

Not to Disappear is one of the best albums of 2016 – I got it the day of release, and I’m still listening to it. This song, and Made of Stone have been on repeat this month (along with the entire album). Fave lyrics: I don’t know you now but I’m lying here somehow; I feel sick (Fossa); You’ll find love, kid; it exists (Made of Stone).

still i pledge allegiance to these UNITED DIVIDED STATES
things that make me patriotic: voting in this election and leslie odom jr and sara bareilles and broadway and theatre and talent and barack obama

snippets of internal monologue

  • I really don’t think I can do this job anymore. I might yell at this kid. LORD. PATIENCE PLEASE.
  • I am SO buying that underwear. Trap liiiiife!
  • Wait, does that mean I have to organise a farewell party? Oh man oh man oh
  • If I fail intro to law can I put an end to this intro to suffering?
  • SHALOM. YOU DON’T HAVE MONEY. HOE DON’T DO IT. HOE, DON’T YOU DO IT. OH MY GOD YOU’RE DOING IT?

November hasn’t started off on the best note – I was robbed for the 5th time this year on the 3rd, and I’m currently a panicky mess about my exams and my travel plans and my future. It’s not all bad though – breathing hasn’t become any more difficult or easy. That, I can deal with.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | september 2016

Hi one and all! It’s been a solid week or two since I even checked up on my WordPress stats, but my lil baby Gertrude (my computer) has all but given up on me completely, so I’m chalking it up to that.

I hope you’ve been well. September is gone, and much like the other months of 2016, it’s happened too fast. With that said, lettuce jump into the salad that was September.

(I just got back from a birthday picnic with some dear friends from high school and some new people and let me just say that everyone is better outside of high school. Seriously.)

from the camera roll

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happenings this month

  • finally. Made. FRIENDS. Took me long enough! I made friends with the most lovely people who greatly appreciate my breakfast making skills. It took me long enough, but at the end of the year is better than not at all – and I’m really glad that it’s them. If any of you are reading this – Ash, Sarah, Andrea, Gabriela, Monray, Jay, Quinn, David, Kgomotso – I’m bringing pancakes when campus opens. Be there.
  • My blog and I were recognised!!!!!!! In real life!!!!! BY TWO DIFFERENT HUMANS!!!! One of them was giving me a wax, which was a bit awkward, but the other was outside a test venue. I was happy.
  • #FeesMustFall2016 is still happening, but the Minister for Higher Education screwed up and said that fees are going up by a maximum of 8% this year and is shucking himself of all responsibility. Protests have been real, and stones have been thrown, but we’ll keep fighting.
  • Dubious skype session with a love of mine who’s in Cape Town. We see you, Ashley and Robbie.
  • We turned three! Yesterday/Today (I made this blog at midnight) was my three year blogging anniversary, and I’m so grateful for the people I’ve “met” and met, and the people who I still am yet to. Thanks for reading and living in my corner of the internet with me.

music on repeat

i’ve told you time and time again
i’m not as think as you drunk i am

we may as well call september “the month of Lana” because i have listened to almost nothing but “Born to Die: The Paradise Edition” for the last 30 days.

i’m just a little person / one person in a sea
of many little people / who are not aware of me

snippets of internal monologue

  • If I take this shot, someone might get shot. Will I get shot? Oh man. I’m taking the shot.
  • This boy who apologised for “leading me on”, does he know that I’d have to be interested for him to lead me on?
  • ULTIMATE GAY. THAT’S WHO ASH IS. ULTIMATE GAY.
  • Lord, if my boobs get any bigger I MAY DIE.
  • Why why WHY couldn’t I at least have been awake when they robbed me?

obsessions

  • Spontaneous breakfast making sessions for my pals
  • Snapchat! I’ve been using it so much.
  • Checking my Lisbon hostel reservation
  • MY PALS IN LONDON I LOVE YOU TASH AND MIRANDA (i’m a mirfanda)

In September I was robbed, drunk, tired, crying, dangerous, and very drained. I’ve started October on the best note, and I don’t know whether or not I’m going back to campus, or whether I’ll be finished with first year in November, or whether or not I’m about to screw myself over. I probably am. But I mean, screwing up is at least a fifth of the fun, right?

love and light,
shalom