monthly me | september ’18

zoo-wee-mama. zoooooo-weeeeee-mama.

hi friends! september has come and gone and a lot has happened. school has started and i’ve been blogging weekly for class and as such have neglected to overshare with you all. now, perhaps you see that as a blessing, in which case i’d ask you to leave now. because i’m back. back, and oversharing with a bang. into september!

 

 

 

this past month i listeneed to a lot of rainbow kitten surprise. i saw car seat headrest live in concert and almost cried my eyes out. i mean, at one point my glasses fell on the ground while emily and i were moshing and it almost went so so badly.

there comes a point where i can’t even remember what’s been happenening and i have to go back into my tweets to find out what i’ve been doing for the last 30 days. it’s been a fairly wild but also relatively tame month. we begin with sylly week, which saw me going out three or four times in a week and pushing my body to the absolute extreme. a blush pink dress with a blush bottle of wine leads to shalom returning home with her hair in a state at 8 am.

i started classes which are simultaneously stimulating and stupendifyingly stressful. my linguistics classes are rightfully kicking my ass and it is one hell of an event. i am coping, but barely. however, i am not on the verge of anything. not a breakdown, not immense success – i’m chilling in the grey area for a little while longer, and that’s okay. i have been struggling with some 2014-esque disordered eating thoughts, but i’m in two kinds of therapy this semester and i’m working my butt off trying to mend my broken brain. i’m trying.

what else? i went on a lot of dates, none of them fruitful. i dealt with my coward of an ex, i tried to wean myself off of my meds (which, admittedly, i should have done with a psychiatrist), and got my nose pierced. i got a real lil crystal in my face! cool!

let’s talk about music!

do you like me? circle yes or no

serving myself

i want to romanticize my headfuck

alright! internal monologue!

  • i’d like to make my shame count for something. same.
  • what do i think the song goes?
  • i’m a sad fuck, i’d like a quick hug

cool! that was september! alright!

love and light,
shalom xo

august ’18 | monthly me

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

okay. i am swamped. school just started up and i am beyond beyond it. there is a lot but goddamn do i want this consistency. so, my dear friends, this was august.

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august was…

learning. i learned a lot this august. i spent a lot of it waiting for school to be back in session (and now that it is, i’m drowning) and i’m so happy to be learning again. i think i actually got over the break up this month due to me finding out some…things. idk. i don’t wanna get into it the long and the short of it is that exes are that for a reason. my housemates moved in and life got a little less lonely, and my friends are all incredible people doing excellent things. i’m growing to appreciate them even more, and i’m so grateful for it.

i learned some new songs on ukulele, started wearing my nose piercing again, danced a lot, saw my family, loved hard, and lived. i came to the conclusion that i love my life, because i made it. i made it and it’s here and it is mine. i love it.

tunes

nothing is forever, but don’t let it get you down

is it a good time or is it highly inappropriate?

snippets of internal monologue

  • if you die and leave your body but then come back then what
  • is a ukulele…just a…whiny bass?
  • the underwear sock monster

thanks for comin! see u soon!

love and light,
shalom xo

june ’18 | monthly me

those heavy days in june

when love became an act

of defiance

june bled into july in a way that i wasn’t expecting, and that’s half the reason i’m writing this in mid july. the other half is because i’ve managed to convince myself that i’m absolute rubbish at writing and that i should definitely throw out the book idea i had. so i’ve been discouraged too. but the middle of 2018 found many of us at a point that was discouraging – not being where you thought you would be at a certain point is discouraging. realizing that you haven’t moved as fast or as far as you would have liked is discouraging. in any case, we’re all still here, and disappointing as that may be at times, at others, it must be enough. it’s enough.

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here’s a picture of my neighbor that i took on june 5th that i really love. she’s lovely.

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in june my brain took a beating. i wanted to stop taking my medicine (that didn’t go well), i wanted to drop out of uni, i wanted to walk into the ocean, i wanted to stop feeling lonely. i wanted a lot, really. nothing too extreme, but i had a lot of want. my dear friend dora went on a trip to europe and i lived vicariously through her. it looked so lovely and i’m while you can’t read about it here, you can read the rest of dora’s words. (they’re lovely.)

i guess so much time has passed since june that i don’t really know what to say about june, unless we’re talking about june by florence and the machine, off the newest album high as hope. high as hope was released at the end of june and proceeded to tell a story that i had wanted to tell for a long time. florence welch has a way with words that twists them into my chest and allows my heart to form around them, all before ripping them out along with my heart with an outrageous belt at in the middle of a song.

so, as to disappoint you further, here are my favorite lyrics from each song on the album:

june: hold on to each other

hunger: at least i understood the hunger i felt / and didn’t have to call it loneliness

south london forever: we’re just children wanting children of our own

big god: is it just part of the process / jesus christ, it hurts

sky full of song: i want you so badly but you could be anyone

grace: i don’t tell you enough, grace / you are so loved

patricia: how’s that working out for you honey? / do you feel loved?

100 years: give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly

the end of love: i’ve always been in love with you / could you tell it from the moment that i met you?

no choir: and if tomorrow it’s all over / at least we had it for a moment

anyway, that was june. i felt a lot in the transition period between june and july. i hope to write more. hold on to each other.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | may ’18

yo, this year is flying by and i don’t know what to do about it.

 

 

so what did i do this month? it’s gone from really tough to really relaxed to really, really tough. things are hard as hell right now. i’m taking summer classes and i’ve never had to work so fast in my life; i hate it. i still have two years of this degree; i hate it. i really miss my family, especially my siblings; i hate it. i hate a lot of things, but i love my boyfriend. he’s the best thing in my world at the moment. i don’t have much to say today but for my complaining, and i’m trying to do less of that. so. let’s all move along and talk about some happenings this month!

  1. moved into new apartment – you wouldn’t know this because it happened oh so quickly, but i’ve moved out of halls! i now live seven minutes away from uni and while the apartment isn’t the best, my room is cute and the rent is okay so i’m fine. i’m fine with being here for the next year. my housemates are all great girls, and i’m looking forward to absolutely no roommate drama, thank heavens. what else? i keep making too much pasta when i’m cooking for myself, but nevertheless, i’ve got pots and pans which make me feel supes adulty. i also have utilities to pay for now, which freaks me out a lot! but it’s ok! we’re here! it’s ok! 

  2. started summer school – i am crying. it’s six credits in six weeks and i am crying. i have to do two whole research papers and i don’t even know enough about interpersonal communication to start. currently, i’m writing this post while avoiding my prospectus paper on the maintenance of long distance interpersonal relationships because i have no idea where to begin. there are 10 marks awarded for the title. t e n. how do i make a ten-point title?img_20180531_155821_528
  3. two months with my baby – guys, i know i talk about him a latte but he’s the best damn thing, really. holding his hand? the best thing. i described it to dora like this one time  – “we held each other in a way that was like my body had already memorized the ‘don’t let go’ of his touch” – and while that’s literally gut-wrenchingly sappy and disgusting, i don’t care much. he’s the best and we’re cooking together this weekend if i can finish this god forsaken paper, but i love him and that makes me believe that things will be alright.
  4. no…birthday anxiety? – my friends, for the first time in ten years, i am not afraid to age. it’s crazy to think about because my birthday existential crisis has been a part of me for as long as my boobs have, but i know there are some reasons (see point 3) that i’m excited for the future instead of petrified of it. it usually shows up by april, and now it’s basically june, so let’s hope for no nasty surprises before july.

i guess i just want to get this hell month out of the way so i can enjoy the summer. i want to swim, to see the sea, to dance, to love, to kiss – i want to take all of these verbs and make them irreversibly, unequivocally mine. i don’t really know how to do that, but i wish i did. i know i’m going to learn, though. i will learn; i am always learning.

tunes

and i was twenty five and afraid to go outside; a millennial that baby boomers like

the boys are back and so i have to include them. matty looks like a budget hayley williams and it’s excellent. he also looks, like, free. also such a great message man give urself a fkn try

maybe i was moving too fast for you – i’m sorry but i can’t see you

i spend a lot of time on trains (my boyfriend is two train stops over) and i listened to this all day one day, and when i was on the train i realized how this song can be played in any weather. listen to it and see snowy winters, sunny springs, scenic summers and nostalgic autumns. i love it a lot. thanks ed the dog.

from what i’ve seen so far, the good ones always seem to break

what a return. what a wonder. i missed this voice holy heck. in an interview, florence welch said, “i am very in love with the world and quite afraid of it as well; my feelings come on really strong.” and all i can say is my relatable songwriting queen has returned and i am so glad. i thought i was flying but maybe i’m dying tonight

snippets of internal monologue

  • i’ll never be able to hold a job down. i can never do it.
  • what kind of writer can’t write?
  • perhaps i should become amanda torroni. just swoop n swop

right. that’s it! that was may. so so different from the last two mays on this blog. life really changes in such a crazy way without asking you permission.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | april ’18

well, let it pass, he thought; april is over, april is over. there are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.

– f scott fitzgerald, the sensible thing

it’s the same every april, my friends. except, this april, this quote means something different to me. april is over and i have experienced a new kind of love, one that has me believing that there really are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice. this is april.

april showers…

it rained a lot this month. we also, however, had many more brighter days which happily coincided with my desperate need for them. my mood’s been a lot better, i’m taking my medicine, my brain is behaving – i’m okay. this month was a bit of a shit show in terms of school, but i’ve made it to the end of it and i am so so glad to be able to say i survived it. this month i also did a very adult thing and went apartment hunting! i’m happy to say i’ll be signing for it in a little bit and that i’ll be leaving dorm life in a neat little chapter titled “sophomore year in america and all the nice and shit things that came with it”.

this past month i got a new journal, painted hydrangeas while drinking summer sangria, damn near cried over linguistics, found 3 random housemates, broke my headphones, worked out exactly 1 (one) time, suffered through the pain of my wisdom teeth coming in, stressed about the dental appointment i am yet to make to have them removed, made countless flashcards, decided to write again, and ate 3 (three) burgers. the second was the better burger.

april was not terrible. i spent all of it wrapped in a very tender sort of love that i hadn’t experienced before, and i hope to experience it for a long time. love is rad as hell. still don’t appreciate the “you’ll find somebody” speech that people would give me. all that aside, my love takes up mega heart and brain real estate, and i’ve found myself in a very happy place since adding him to my world. (thanks baby. i love you.)

good. that was april.

tunes

come over tomorrow, it’s that kind of evening
we’ll get mixed up on both sides of the ceiling

impatiently, as i wait for you

(this is a beauuuuutiful tune. it reminds me of drives (from the passenger seat) and a steady hand on my leg.)

count the headlights on the highway

(oh my soul, was this killer. it’s tiny dancer by florence and the machine, and it is a wonderfully crafted masterpiece.)

snippets of internal monologue

  • i would give anything to be in florida for a bachelor party right now.
  • just be cool just be cool just be — ah fuck.
  • but self neglect is just so much easier!
  • quit. quit like the lany song.

this has been april and it is up on time because the bitch is back. it feels good. however your month was, let it pass. open yourself to some of that new love, my friends.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | march ’18

in march, i got pretty low and then pretty high. i did some travelling, went out of my way to meet new people, fell in love, and tried to cry less. i cried a lot, but i definitely cried less than i could have. march madness is over, and here’s what’s left. welcome to what was, my friends!

so, march. march houses three birthdays in my family – please note that i’m avoiding a paper by writing this instead – and i missed them all thanks to a lovely little thing called the ocean. it was hard not being around for my mom’s 50th, but it was lovely to have been called in during the party. what else happened in march? jeez, the year is flying. there is a boy who i hope will be around for the longest of times. i do love him so. what else? march was the first month i ended without a roommate, and that was okay. the isolation that comes with being called crazy, not so much. i got pretty low, but lord knows that all it takes sometimes is a little chemistry play and an updose to fix a little dark patch. forever grateful to abilify and the work it does on my brain.

quick talk about how open i am about my brain: there is nothing to hide. i am still somewhat ashamed of how mental illness affects me – which is uh. a lot. it affects me a lot. – but i am trying not to be because…bitch, it’s literally not my fault. there is nothing i can do about it but continue to do all i am doing. i am doing my best and it has to be enough. sharing my mental health journey seems to come naturally to me because i’m a talker, and if i don’t talk about the big things in my life, well. well. anyway, i do. so. i’m gonna. that’s all.

music madness

i tried living without you but you’re my vice

hey, guys, i’ve got something on my mind
tick tock, can you take it for a while?

until love came in on time

snippets of internal monologue

  • wow i’m really just not going to graduate. wow. okay.
  • hey buddy, everything is on fire
  • mmmmmm, baby, isolate me harder
  • how do you say “crystal ball frapp = gross peach milk” without saying that?
  • californiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

my friends, march is over and somehow the year is flying by in a way i didn’t expect it to. i can’t tell you why i didn’t think it would. i’m trying to save the semester at the moment and oh, oh. the toll it is taking is huge.

in any case, i’m still here. another month, another march.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | feb ’18

february was twenty eight days of me wondering when the weather will be warm again. i had a couple of moments that mad me apprehensive about the rest of my life forever, but i’m still here and that’s all i can ask of myself. what am i doing this summer? nobody knows! here’s february.

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this month…i remember very little. and it’s not because i’ve been belligerently intoxicated nor is it because i’ve suddenly lost my memory, but because this month has been more of the same and i find myself having less and less to report. i went to fewer shows this month, got sick for half of the month, and did more work for the band than i have in a while (did anyone tell you how stressful it is to book a tour? because it is stressful as all hell). i think it’s because i spent february looking into the future – i’m trying to plan the summer and also the rest of my degree, but the stress that makes me want to never come out of my blankets always creeps up on me, and suddenly it’s depression naps like i never expected.

i did a poem called bees on the last day of the month. it was the bees knees and i loved it.

i do remember that i listened to a good amount of music this month. stay tuned. one morning saw me waking up at 5 am and listening to lana del rey’s born to die: the paradise edition twice over for no reason other than because i was awake. it reminded me of september 2016. can you believe it’s 2018?

i sometimes wonder if i could look back on february and remaster it like an old album. what songs would i add more reverb to? probably to anti-prom, yelling car seat headrest’s drugs with friends; maybe i’d reverse the night i spent in bayville for a couple of hours; definitely delete the day i realized how sick i was getting. i hope this isn’t one of those forever sick sicknesses. anyway. february was a song that is track six on an album – good, but not too good. i’m okay with it. 2018 is still a good album. like, frank ocean good.

tunez n vidz

idk why i don’t watch much youtube anymore. i think because it’s become more and more of a cop out. i don’t know. here’s some tunez and a big gif i enjoyed this month.

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i think i saw the world turn in your eyes

we are just victims of the contemporary style

snippets of internal monologue

  • please burn the flowers i got you. please burn them. burn. please
  • you know, i’ll be really pissed if he gets arrested. but also, not my business?
  • STOP YELLING AT ME THAT I’LL FIND SOMEONE I DIDN’T ASK
  • what if we cancelled…everything

be young, be dope, be proud. bye, february.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | december ’17

I did it! A consistent feature every month. Look at that!

December is over and it was a really good way to close out 2017. Onwards!

 

december

I mean, whoa. In December I did so much that I can barely remember it all in the best way. i’m not even sure where to start this post because this last month has been so very 2017 in nature that I’m mostly just grateful to the universe that  I made it this far in one very awed piece.

The month started with my first trip to Princeton, which saw me coming back home with roller blades that I definitely cannot use and do not use. They were free, okay. (I need to get rid of them.) It was a lovely trip, followed by a photoshoot a few days later which taught me that I am not photogenic. No sir. I am a difficult photo subject because my face has approximately seven million expressions and also I’m awkward. So that was, uh. Fun. On the plus side, about seven of the 100 photos came out okay and have now replaced the old ones on my about page!

The weekend after is still unparalleled. I organized for Shoobies to go up to Boston to do an in studio recording at a radio station, and oh did we go. I just… I don’t really have words for how incredible that trip was, but Casey – lead singer, you’ve seen him here before – keeps calling it cinematic. He’s a writer too, so I think you can all trust his words. Word. Anyway, Boston was a movie and I can’t explain it any better.

What else? I’m the manager of a band now, I’m going to England next year, I have no money for my trip to England next year, I’m in Boston right now, I’m going to a wedding next week, snow is cold and stays forever, everything is icy, and I’m happy. I’m really alright, my dudes. Sure, this weather keeps my lips looking so chapped that Blistex is gonna invite me to take out stocks with how much I buy pretty soon, but I am doing rather well, and that’s aces.

I did royally screw up my hair and doctor’s appointments but I mean. Eh.

tunez & vidz

how come every outcome’s such a comedown?

this is the greatest and best song in the world…tribute.

she said WHAT and i told her that i didn’t know

little loves

  • That hotel lobby in Boston where I couldn’t feel my face
  • Coffee in the snow
  • Going to the beach in winter
  • Realizing that it’s been worth it

snippets of internal monologue

  • permission to call all forces in to stop a very stupid action? please?
  • coffee in the snow is iced coffee, shalom, duh
  • oh honey. connecticut is a no go.
  • we love a dance party!

I am currently being attacked by a viral infection that is threatening to take me out, TKO style. However, 2018 is looking bright. Far better than 2017 was looking when I was standing in 2016. Bless.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | november ’17

November was a fucking blast. I don’t think I’ve ever started off a monthly me so brash, but looking back on it, this month has just been pretty good.  Here’s to that, and to the fact that it’s December and my monthly me posts are still the only consistent things in my life! November.

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november

November really seemed to fly by, but it also took so long to do so? I think this is because there was just so much going on this past month that I didn’t even get a chance to stop and freak out about the time passing. The month started off with anti-prom (what it says on the tin) and two or three shows and my friends’ EP release party! The Off Brand released their self titled EP and it’s so good I would not be wrong to be upset about how good it is. It’s over here!

What else? This month there was a lot music wise and I’m so glad I got to be a part of it all. I met Walk The Moon? Things are MAD. In essence, I bought tickets to their January show and was something like 2nd in line for the presale, so iHeartRadio invited me and a guest to a secret show that blew my bloody socks off. I am shook. It was honestly one of the most incredible, intimate moments I’ve ever experienced. Bless that band. I also happened to celebrate my first full American Thanksgiving weekend in Wayne, NJ with my friend and her lovely family. It was rad as hell and ended with two shows in two nights and a dance party where lights fell down before we returned to school. Speaking of…

bri born

I’m gonna be real with you all and tell you that Bri has had such a major effect on my life just by existing near me. I love doing life with her. We’ve found ourselves caught up in band business and bond over a love for LANY and Almost Famous. She’s so full of life. Bri reminds me of everything I want to be when I catch myself dissociating – I often feel like I can’t open my eyes wide enough because I don’t feel real, but Bri’s eyes are open and take in everything. Bri reminds me to live more. How lucky I am to do so with her. Dream team, baby.

tunez and vids

we got carried away

for you are not beside, but within me

backseat taxi love

 

other loves

  • planning a trip to another state for break! and? yes. it’s fun
  • getting on top of my shit
  • my new meds that get me out of bed before 8 every day
  • bri born and every experience we’ve shared this month

snippets of internal monologue

  • ten bucks says you vomit as an escape strategy. i dare you.
  • how many times do you have to say boobs until it sounds weird? three or four, i think.
  • look….at his hair…..i just. i’m weak
  • okay shalom go ahead sabotage yourself NOTHING WE’RE NOT USED TO

And now November is done! We’re in the last bit of 2017 and I’m ready to go baby, I’m ready. I’m going to try to write more in December because it’s exam month and I love procrastinating, so. Thanks for sticking around. Hi to the newbies around here!

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | october ’17

and is it worth the risk
just to crash your car for the sound of it?

hannah, coin

Bottomless void and friends, it’s the end! Of October, I mean. October is over. What happened this month? This is a fun one to write because I spent most of this month manic and/or dissociating. Still, I made it to the end of it and so did you, and we’re all here so we may as well experience this experiment in oversharing and overdocumenting together.

from the camera roll

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october

If you’ve read any of the all two (wow Shalom calls herself a writer but never writes Obisie-Orlu) posts I got up in the last month, you’ll know that I am currently coming down from the longest manic episode of my life. It’s been a lot of stress and confusion and dissociating, but it’s been okay because I survived it. Someday, I’ll write about the shit, but first I must survive it. I survived October!

Class is happening and university is happening, again. I’ve settled in okay, and I have some really good people in my corner in terms of where I live. Demarest Hall (shoutout Junot Diaz – he lived there) is full of freaks and geeks and a couple of gross frat bros, but its mostly just people who were lucky enough to meet their people there. It’s been nice living in a space that’s just art. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s what I have to say about Demarest.

I managed to write some good poetry this month, and got a couple of articles in re freelance because I’m a writer. My anxiety is a big mess and I haven’t collected my last paycheck from my old job (you know the one that I was excited about and then got fired from? That’s the one.) even though I could very much use the $100.

My letters from Dora arrived and I spent an afternoon reading them and sobbing (see last camera roll photo) because I have so much love for that woman. Wow. Actually, here’s something:

dora

  • What an encourager, what a woman.
  • WISE. My owl friend.
  • God, I am so privileged to call her friend.
  • Such a knack for photographing and reviewing good spots? I wish I was good at that? I am so glad that she is?!
  • Truly a lover and a fighter. Kindred spirits, me and Dora. Goodness me, do I love her.

What else have I got for this month? I got terribly ill. I’m on the mend but I was so sick it was a problem. I’ve been having a bit of more of an identity crisis than usual but mostly because of my accent. You know the voice in your head? The one that sounds like you. In my head, I sound somewhat English. Not entirely, but somewhat. When I’m with my mom and siblings, I have a mix of that accent, an American accent my entire family has, and then some of my parents’ Nigerian accent as a mixer for the whole thing. While I’ve been here without my siblings, I’ve just sounded very English, and I fear that I’m a fraud for it. I know I’m not, because it’s not a conscious choice really – I’m just trying to hold onto a bit of myself while here. Has this little bit of a waffle made any sense? We’ll never know.

tunez

I went to shows this month! The big one was the LANY concert in New York which was stupendifyingly good, but I also went to a basement show that introduced me to probably my favourite band at the moment. Anyway here are the tunez okay good on with it!

shoobies

i’m an antisocial socialite; your mother says “you’re so polite” – it’s disgusting

Easy new fave. Easy. I saw them at a basement show in New Brunswick in mid-October and while they put on a really good show (even without their guitarist) I was more shook by the lyrics? Apart from the fact that they did the thing where lyrics carry meaning if you listen twice but the music accompanying it is so good you can enjoy it in passing, the lyrics are so clever and I am so impressed? It may be because I noticed my writing style in they lyrics, or because “skinny lovin’, what’s your style?” made me want to make stuff, but Shoobies lyrics are 9/10.

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site: shoobiesnj.com
instagram: @shoobiesnj

they say we’re going to hell, let’s find a cheap motel and stay a couple nights

we’ll connect eventually if you stay you and i change me

and if i play this every morning and time my stepping out of the door with the guitar? none of you will have anything to say about it.

snippets of internal monologue

  • Look, if you’re actually crazy on paper then can you just say yes? Are you mad?Clinically, Janet, yes.
  • For Halloween I am…what is this? Corset girl?
  • Shut your mouth Shalom “my-eyebrows-are-eyeshadow” Obisie-Orlu. You just stop.
  • Uh, if I get approached by the police, I’ll just tell them I’m dead. Sorry! Can’t arrest a dead gal! Happy Halloween!

until the next, dear friends.

love and light,
shalom xo