i listen to a lot of lcd soundsystem.

a lot.

when i wake up on saturday morning, “pow pow” by lcd soundsystem is playing in my head on repeat. it powers me through the shower that i don’t want to take and the breakfast that i don’t want to eat. the library awaits, and i leave the house doing high kness to “drunk girls” blasting in my headphones. the wires of them always happen to get tangled in my keys, but the lyric “i believe in waking up together” always seems pretty clear.

in the library, “one touch” is never enough. “people who need people to the back of the bus” reminds me of how hard it is to be soft in a hard world, and how badly i need to finish my pragmatics paper. “people who need people are just people who need people.”

at 2pm i am a person who needs people. the london session of “pow pow” marches me to the courtyard where kierin is, and they shake my shoulders and get me back on track. “with you on the outside, and me on the inside, there’s advatages to both” repeats while i stand in a semi circle but somehow still feel excluded. there is talk of iced coffee. i am interested. “pow pow!” off we go.

at the student center i drink my coffee in five minutes. i tell myself, “this is happening”. i tell myself, “finish your paper”. i tell myself “i can change“. i wonder if this is what it’s like to have all the good parts of mania without the bad. i tell emily i’m listening to lcd soundsystem on one of the most stressful days of my academic career. she says, “are you trying to feel like you’re tripping?” the short answer is no. the long answer is always.

walking down the street to my recent ex of a workplace to get burgers, i hear “north american scum“. i hear sirens and “it’s the return of the police!” i hear “all i want are your bitter tears” from the loud car that zooms past. “from now on, i’m someone different”. it never lasts too long. it always returns to the mean. we wait in the store for our food, our friends, our lovers. i tell them, “take me home.”

when i close my eyes, i tell myself that “i can change”.

when i wake up on wednesday the next week, “fresh” by tired lion plays in my head. it takes until 10 am for it to be lcd soundsystem again.

and we back

well, it’s been around three or so months since you’ve heard from me. i am alive. i am, in fact, well. i am now aware that my audience contains some people i would rather it didn’t, and i am writing anyway. i am writing anyway. hello, my friends!

i’m not sure what this post is – i don’t know if it’s a monthly me, or an update, or just words, or something to keep me busy because i’ve finished all my assigned tasks at work. you know, i’m probably gonna tag it as all of the above because who cares? who really cares? i care that i’m writing, and that’s that. onto the good stuff:

first, a message to everyone who’s given me shit for being open and honest. man, fuck you.

thank u, next! i am in love, again. this time with an aquarius that looks strikingly similar to hey arnold. i am in love with his left handed everything, the way he looks like a balloon made of heart emojis about to burst, the way he is excited by every aspect of being alive, and the way he loves. it’s nice to know that i am not somehow a disaster magnet. after the ex, the lies, the hurt, the ex’s ex, the new girl – i felt like i attracted everything i tried so hard not to. until i stopped trying, and an old friend asked me to dinner. i almost said no. say yes, my friends.

i am in school! still! despite almost dropping out last semester – that was a wild night of panic attacks and rain – i am still here, still double majoring in linguistics and communication, still kicking names and taking ass. it’s going alright. i’m currently in my most difficult linguistics class to date and i’m still sort of looking forward to it? i love words. i love language. i love/hate the brain scramble that comes from studying it.

i wrote this last semester and i love it. it makes me think when i reread it. you can read it too, now:


i like to be, and to go. sometimes, the going is the only good part – the end is simply that: an end.  sometimes the end is a big sigh that feels like it could have come earlier or later – nothing special about the moment in and of itself. but even if the end is somewhat disappointing, the journey always holds promise. sometimes, everything lies in the getting there. sometimes the cotton candy sky out of the window and the chips dropped on the floor of the back seat is enough for you to step back and say, yes – this life, this is mine. sometimes it’s a laugh you haven’t heard before or a tender touch you never expected that makes you open your eyes wide enough for the first time in years. sometimes it’s the people you meet on the way, and sometimes it’s the way the summer peels with your heart in late august.


the journey is your hand out the window. it is the inside joke you missed and made up for yourself. it is the dream that you come to see you are living. it is the realization that you will survive. it is the surviving. the journey is surviving, and if you can cherish surviving, who needs an end?

i’m back. i love being back. happy february.

love and light,
shalom xo

tunesday

you know the vibe. happy tunesday!
today’s tunesday is dedicated to emily wheatley and her “fresh man” playlist. what a treasure.

skegss — lsd

this tune reminds me of walking to class when the sun isn’t shining outside, but something about the day still feels light and airy enough to whistle about. but also, this song is very much having a good time with good people, and having the stains on your tshirt to prove it at the end of the day. does that make sense? it’s like when you’d chill out at a friend’s house all day and leave and find a stain on your shirt without knowing how you got it. anyway, skegss is an australian alt-indie group that makes sounds that are excellent for being in transit, whether you’re walking, driving, or otherwise moving. enjoy the sunshine wherever you are today, even if the only sunshine comes from you. that was cheesy as h*ck. next!

remo drive — art school

art school, coloured hair / too cool for me but that’s fair

i love this song and this video! remo drive is lovely to yell in the car when all of your friends know the words. i can’t tell you what it’s like to drive while playing because i don’t drive, but i can tell you that it’s fun to yell. remo drive has a sort of sorority noise but different sound that’s really easy to appreciate because of the comfort of an emo band that’s making music that speaks to your 2008 and 2018 self. also, i just realised it’s been ten years since 2008. good heavens.

so ends the shortest – read: i just got back to school and don’t have as much time to write already – tunesday! i hope your day’s been excellent, regardless of what time it is. for fun, here’s tuesday by hippocampus. a bop.

love and light,
shalom xo

 

tunesday: live edition

Welcome back to Tunesday! We’re back! Today’s edition is focused on an EP release show I went to last week, and I am so thrilled to share it with you. Yay for live music Tunesdays. On with the show!

shoobies: cherry ep

The show was for Shoobies’ latest offering, Cherry. Shoobies, who’ve been around these parts before (see October monthly me) are a New Jersey four piece making the best kind of noise. Cherry is their secondary offering, putting out a completely different sound from their debut EP, Claude Monet. Cherry is heavy with soul influence and does the job of getting into your bones expertly. A more mature collection, the songs are called Love, Sex, and Drama. It’s a metaphor. But, if you take it literally and create your own, it’s just as good.

If there’s something that the guys from Shoobies know how to do, it’s put on one hell of a show. Complete with 70s esque mustaches being hastily shaved off before the show, an intro that did it right, roses, and an actual smashing of a guitar (which I never, ever thought I would live to see), Shoobies elevated The Saint in Asbury Park.

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You can listen to Cherry here, and Claude Monet here. Find the band on Instagram, Twitter, and everything that matters at @shoobiesnj.

the happy fits: awfully apeelin’

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The Happy Fits are three boys who find themselves bathed in blue light more often than not. A rock band with a cello, they’re an eclectic mix of The Black Keys, Alt-J, and Vampire Weekend. They played songs off their EP, Awfully Apeelin’  and just so happened to treat all of us with some songs from their upcoming album. 2018 is going to be a big year for the band – which is saying something, considering the fact that they surpassed 1,000,000 plays on While You Fade Away and expanded their fan base by quite a bit. Keep an ear out for their debut album coming out in the first half of next year.

hannah riley

Hannah Riley performed her first ever show at The Saint, and I was blown away by how good she is. A mix of heavy Lana del Rey influence with touches of Lorde and Halsey, Hannah’s voice is power and is full of tremendous capability. Her debut EP, Recovery, has true bangers including IDWBY, but her cover of Lana’s In My Feelings absolutely blew me away. To say that she’s going places is to understate just how good she is, so listen for yourself.

trustfall

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Trustfall is emo math rock that makes me think of 2009 and jumping. If this made sense to you, you’d adore them. Their set at The Saint was a joy – if you’ve ever wanted to yell lyrics with people who wanted to do the same, you can probably imagine the vibe to come from that. That’s exactly what the atmosphere was, and I am so grateful to have been there. Their latest release, Space Dawgz 2: Dogs in Space is full of the same; listen here.

 

and so concludes the live edition of tunesday! honsetly, this last weekend was incredible, and i’m thrilled to be able to tell you all about it. congratulations to shoobies for releasing one hell of an ep, and to all the other bands that performed – what a night. now, back to my regular programming of being a mess? i think yes.

love and light,
shalom xo

diane young

 

hello friends. i started class again this week, which was great. i also had a very fun series of anxiety attacks and stress vomiting episodes, which was less fun. it’s a friday afternoon, and i’m feeling shit – per usual – and now i’m going to take apart a song that tears 2013 shalom out and makes me feel less shit.

pals, today we’re diane young.

i’ve been trying to keep my brain in a healthy space mostly out of necessity, since i got here. i don’t have immediate access to a psychiatrist who gets me, and i don’t have a doctor sister who i can text to come pick me up when i feel some of that good ol’ l’appel du vide. the last week has been an example of spectacular failing not for a lack of trying. i got caught in a stadium separated from the only person i knew and her friend, so ended up sat next to a stranger (a nice man at least) crying for 40 minutes through an anxiety attack. was i ready to be done? you bet buddy. you fuckin’ bet.

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live my life in self-defense, you know i love the past because i hate suspense

diane young is a funny little song. apart from the obvious play on “dying young”, the concept is lost on little to no one. a good time, not a long time; live fast, die young – the ever blessed yolo – as a generation (though i think a sense of this has existed forever) we’re mostly ready to be done with the living of it all.

there’s not much to look forward to if you’re between the ages of 18 and 30 these days. pardon me, alright – let my excessive optimism or mental health rambles take a break. the obvious aside, we’ve inherited a mess. all we do is live in suspense. will you be able to eat tomorrow? how close are you to not paying your rent this month? if you had a dollar for every dollar you owed in student loans, you know you’d still be broke? i guess the reason everyone hates millennials is because millennials hate everything because we’ve been dealt one of the worst cards.

my biggest kink is financial stability. student loans paid off? kinky.

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maybe the kennedy curse has a clause written for millennials, only discoverable at the ripe age of “well, shit. responsibility.” maybe all we are doing is waiting about for the grinding we’re doing to turn impossibly turn into something that isn’t exhausted piles of dust. maybe i need to get out of this mindset? maybe? yes.

where there is no hope in the future, there is no power in the present.

we’re all out of control, all playing a role. while modern vampires of the city is an album all about death, we’re still here. even if it’s somewhat flakey, somewhat torturous. whether we’re torching cars or dancing in the street or running from the government. we keep doing it. i suppose dying young can’t change our minds, so baby, we’re right on time.

love and light
shalom xo

// h e a r t o u t //

it’s just (3,752 of) you and i tonight; why don’t you figure my heart out?

physical heart: anatomically correct (i’d hope). doing fine, bit stressed out by the amount of pizza i’ve eaten in the last three weeks and the fact that i don’t do enough cardio at all.

metaphorical brain heart: fervently passionate about the renewal of vows that i’ve had with the 1975 – we are an even happier couple now and i can’t go a day without them, it appears. also wants to write about heart out.

i like heart out for more reasons than i thought i would. in my re-listen of their first album, i wtried to figure out why i like the 1975 at all. i tried to find my favourite songs off the album, i tried to see if i liked the song more if i liked the video, and i watched so many sets of live shows to see whether i still liked the song when it’s performed live.

i like heart out for all of these reasons and obviously because i’m a gratuitous oversharer, i’m going to put more of my heart out here. if that’s even possible. if you ever need to piece me back together, i share my innermost secrets and emotions with thousands of strangers on the internet – you’ll find me there. i’m a very private person, see. can’t just be telling people you know these things.

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well, first: i love heart out now, more than i did in 2012. maybe it’s because i’ve learned how to properly listen through matty’s manchester accent, or because i really enjoy the way the video was directed and understand it  now (thanks drama directing prac). i guess because i’m older there are people who i can sing this song to and have almost every word relate to them. i’m not 14 anymore, and there are people that i  found when we were both younger much younger; people that i liked no matter what i found out about them. and now…now i sit with them after three or five or ten years of knowing them, trying to know them. still.

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the second verse always makes me laugh – it’s so very high school. it’s girls twirling their hair far too much until it tangles while talking to boys, and seeing three people in your year actively trying to mirror a girl in the year above, and that small circle of rich kids with drug problems and too much money. a reflection on their mental health? certainly.

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while i’ve (thankfully) never been addicted to cocaine and heroin, or sex, i wonder what my rocks and brown would be. what’s something i was, or am, obsessed with that most adequately reflected my mental health? perhaps how addictive my personality is to begin with and that moderation isn’t a word i can get my brain and body to understand. maybe how much i liked skins when i was 13. (that was stupid. who lets a 13 year old  with a new depression diagnosis watch skins? the internet. that’s who.) maybe my knack for self destruction by bringing other people up and quashing my need for self care? i guess i’m figuring my heart out, and figuring out what my heroin is. it makes for interesting self to self conversation.

i’ve always been good at one thing though, and that’s a lotttttta feelings. yes ma’am, that’s me, center of the feelingsverse, feels HQ – “haver of every and any feeling” is my official title. how very cancerian of me. if you’ve been around here a while, or even if this is the first post you’ve finished, i’m almost certain you can tell. i still do live in my head a massive amount. i guess…i am the adolescent on the phone; speaking like i’m bigger than my body.

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my birthday is on tuesday and i’m trying not to be scared about it but all the trying is tiring. but i don’t want to be afraid. my impulse control is non existent. i really want to take my meds every day this week but a morning dose is hard if i only muster the strength to get out of bed after noon. my room is mostly clothes and i’m tired of going shopping for my move. i hate seeing attractive boys with kind eyes because i do stupid things like repeat myself to my friends 100 times. i’m still scared that everyone who’s ever said they like me don’t, and that i’m not actually a likeable person. i think that maybe my idea that i’m good is wrong, because am i? could i really be? i have worse posture than people think – i just stand up really straight in public because it’s part of the things that i do in public. i’m so bad with money.

there it is.

/ / H E A R T   O U T / /

love and light,
shalom xo

tunesday take 5? 6? who’s counting?

Hello hello hello welcome back  to Tunesday happy Tuesday if you’re new to Tunesday here are some links  that’ll help you  understand okay on with the show!!!

imagine dragons – believer

second, don’t you tell me what you think that i can be
i’m the one at the sail, i’m the master of my sea

Believer was released earlier this year as the lead single off  Evolve (coming soonish?). Admittedly, I didn’t have this song on this list until about an hour ago after I watched the Riverdale season finale. The song is used excellently (though the finale was definitely weaker than the penultimate episode) and there’s something about the grittiness of it that’s getting me through a lot at the moment. Lotta pain here, y’all. Lotta believing.

4 non blondes – what’s up

trying to get that great big hill of hope / for a destination

I’ve been watching a lot of TV series recently, and I just started (read: have almost finished) Sense8. It is incredible. In the fourth episode, aptly titled What’s Going On, something has some people all having or hearing the same song – namely What’s Up by 4 NOn Blondes. I was listening to this in the store today, and I felt better than I have over the past couple of days. Honestly, what’s going on? Does anyone actually know? (Hint: no. Nobody knows. What’s going on?)

hayley kiyoko

 ease my mind

i need you to be here / i need to see you crystal clear

palace

dance in your colour, reflecting in your light
you’re my horizon, you’ll always paint my sky

To be frank, the last week and a bit has really been the week of Hayley Kiyoko. I’m a lil bit of a massive stan, and I couldn’t decide which of the songs that I’ve had on repeat to add to this list. Naturally, I’ve chosen the excessive path and left you two of my favourites from this week. Citrine is her best work and is available all places music is available!

Such has been Tunesday! I’m probably going to eat a heck ton of mac & cheese and then watch Sense8 and scream. Life has just been…a lot.

love and light,
shalom xo

BOPS BOPS BOPS

hello hello gang! today i fell headfirst into a 2008 shaped music black hole. so, in the spirit of tunesday, here are some songs that shaped my early adolescent years. i am slightly embarrassed that i didn’t look up any lyrics for these and instead spent two hours screaming in my room, but i’m glad i didn’t include vanessa hudgens’ sneakernight. i am of the firm opinion that that song will never ever warrant its hype. ever. having said that, let’s take a trip back to the early obama days, when things were good:

leavin by jesse mccartney  – everyone remembers beautiful soul but this one was my ULTIMATE. it’s also a lot dirtier than i remember oh my gosh. BABY GIRL I BEEN WATCHIN YOU ALL DAY (all day all day all day)


crush by david archuleta – omg none of my crushes ever went away i had so many feelings as a ten year old and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. man. i also had a massive crush on david archuleta? so there.


california by phantom planet – OH MY GOD okay the OC is a big jam. idk why i was so mad about that show when i was eleven, but i was also obsessed with high school and university. seth and summer were so geeky and all i wanted to be, and ryan was like this insane older brother that looked 30 but he was like 19? anyway, the OC is where the gunshot and mmm watcha say comes from. marissa shot trey because trey was going to kill ryan with a telephone? because ryan beat trey up because trey tried to rape marissa. healthy fifth grader viewing. ANYWAY


sos by the jonas brothers – holy HECK ooooh this is an SOS. tbh what kind of dates were they going on.  they were like twelve. miscommuniCATION.how did they….anyway. BETTER BELIEVE I BLED IT’S A CALL I’LL NEVER GET. also, if you watch the video you see kevin get a text from a girl that doesn’t like him. so, he doesn’t delete her number…he deletes the whole phone. throws it in the trash. wow. hugs are overrated just fyi


good girls go bad by cobra starship and leighton meester   – WHAT WAS I DOING IN GRADE SIX THAT I THOUGHT THIS SONG RELATED TO ME SO HARD. WHY. good girls go baaaaaaaad i also remember the lyric about hanging with your five best friends and really wishing i had one best friend omg SHALOM


starstrukk by 30h!3 and katy perry – oh my godddd. cheer routine. but also i just thought that i embodied this song. all eleven or twelve years of age. catch me choreographing and whistling and channeling 2009 katy perry any day


untouched by the veronicas – gotta finish strong with grade seven shalom believing in her violin skills and a weird ass drawing i did on ms paint for this song. the lyrics are just…i go oooh ooh you go ah ah lalalala lalalala and i don’t know why that spoke to me in 2010. in any case, i was channeling all of my samantha brady attitude at the ripe age of twelve and i guess my unrequited crushes, all fifty of them, made this song #relatable. GOING CRAZY FROM THE MOMENT I MET YOU


bonus: call it off by tegan and sara  – i listened to this song almost every day between grade 8 and grade nine after the blackberry craze of 2011. and also in 2013. actually, this song kept coming back to me. “maybe i would have been something you’d be good at; maybe you would have been something i’d be good at” because you can trust me to be an emosh wreck about a love i’d never experienced. oh, shalom. girl. girl.

happy tunesday, folks.
thanks disney channel and also premature teen angst.

love and light,
shalom xo

music to watch boys to

hello! it’s tunesday! except it’s thursday. (edit from future shalom: this got published on a friday. yikes.) i come bearing music recommendations after a really hard twenty four hours and a need to write but my inability to write something that isn’t worrying. tunes ahoy!

the title is a reference to a lana del rey song of the same name off of honeymoon from 2015. while it’s not in this post, it’s lovely. bit dark if you listen long enough. lots like lana. on with it!

 

102 by the 1975

this song hurts a lot. matty explained it like this: “This song is about a girl [friend] that I had. She was beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I loved her but she didn’t feel the same way. I don’t even think she knew I loved her. This song is about the times I had with her. As she and I became close friends, we had traditions. It was kinda like our thing, y’know? We’d somehow always coincidentally be out at exactly 1:02AM, so that was our thing. Now whenever I’m awake at 1:02AM, I think of her and I let her go.”

on this shirt
i found your smell
and i just sat there for ages contemplating what to do with myself

 

still sane by lorde

the way this song, and lorde, presents its(her)elf is what leaves me connecting to her music the way i have since 2013. ‘still sane’ talks about anxiety and birthdays, and being so very out of it that it’s hard to be. however, at the end of the day, it has to be fine. you have to be fine. this is fine, right?

i’m little but i’m coming for the crown
i’m little but i’m coming for ya
i’m little but i’m coming for the title held by everyone who’s up

 

isabel by the wombats

this is a song of undoing. of realisation and confusion; of struggle and surrender. ‘isabel’ speaks to craving the experience and committing to the consequences: undoing. everyone has an isabel. you know one. they take up enormous heart space and have an irrevocable ever-expanding capacity to be loved. they are dangerously wonderful, like all good things. take care when it comes to them, friends.

i’m much better isabel
when you’re ripping my life apart
i think it’s you who’s the true rock star around here

right. that’s that. i’m tired & i think i’m indulging myself by listening to sad music when i’m already sad. issa bad idea.

love and light,
shalom xo

monthly me | october 2016

I’m a little shocked that it’s already November, but mostly relieved that this hellhole of a year is coming to a close. October was treacherous, and filled with work and being broke and protests and stress and anticipation and love and sadness and pride. Also, my laptop broke, and I haven’t managed to have her fixed. So. October.

from the camera roll

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walk home from the bus ft. sunset. #blessed

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bless you, picnics and popsicles

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joburg pride ’16

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picnic with high school friends and new friends and a massive afternoon of love.

october

I spent most of October trying to find out what I mean to the people who mean the world to me. I took myself out a couple of times and paid up my outstanding amount on my flight to Lisbon! I’ve been preoccupied with the Portuguese city because I’m headed there in TWO WEEKS and cannot wait. Joburg Pride was amazing, and the solidarity was ridiculously awesome. There was so much love in the sapce. I also considered whether I was falling in love or whether I just wanted to squeeze my friends really tight and tell them I adore them – the latter was correct. October also saw me being faced with literally life-changing decisions with regards to my moving from South Africa, and making split second choices over coffee. I think I’ve made the right one.

obsessions

Not to Disappear is one of the best albums of 2016 – I got it the day of release, and I’m still listening to it. This song, and Made of Stone have been on repeat this month (along with the entire album). Fave lyrics: I don’t know you now but I’m lying here somehow; I feel sick (Fossa); You’ll find love, kid; it exists (Made of Stone).

still i pledge allegiance to these UNITED DIVIDED STATES
things that make me patriotic: voting in this election and leslie odom jr and sara bareilles and broadway and theatre and talent and barack obama

snippets of internal monologue

  • I really don’t think I can do this job anymore. I might yell at this kid. LORD. PATIENCE PLEASE.
  • I am SO buying that underwear. Trap liiiiife!
  • Wait, does that mean I have to organise a farewell party? Oh man oh man oh
  • If I fail intro to law can I put an end to this intro to suffering?
  • SHALOM. YOU DON’T HAVE MONEY. HOE DON’T DO IT. HOE, DON’T YOU DO IT. OH MY GOD YOU’RE DOING IT?

November hasn’t started off on the best note – I was robbed for the 5th time this year on the 3rd, and I’m currently a panicky mess about my exams and my travel plans and my future. It’s not all bad though – breathing hasn’t become any more difficult or easy. That, I can deal with.

love and light,
shalom xo