monthly me | april ’17

Well, let it pass, he thought; April is over, April is over. There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.

– F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Sensible Thing

I’ll probably start every post near the end of April or the beginning of May with this quote. I love it a whole lot, and every time I read it I’m reminded of the same things and a million things I hadn’t thought of in a while. Anyway, April is over! April is over, and I have had a better month than I thought I would.

from the camera roll

 

tunes + vids

this is one of the funniest videos i have seen in a really long time, and i can’t tell you why. i love it a ridiculous amount. thank you hank green.

april has been…

April has been better. I came out of March feeling very hazy, and I’m feeling a little better coming out of April. To be honest, I’m feeling a lot better. I’ve settled into a groove of being more okay with being as alone as I am. I’ve found that isolation means saving money, and I’m ending off the month with a positive bank balance for the first time since…ever? I like the church I’m at now. I like the focus of love, I like the sincerity of the people, I like the way it’s not commercialised, and I like that there are no isolating judgements. People are people, and loving them is what I do and it’s all good.

I’m feeling very okay – not phenomenally excellent, or particularly horrid. Just okay. Very okay. April has been too much and enough – the precarious balance that I long and live for. My brain is easing into itsng in love with every person I meet is the biggest strength and weakness that I have, but I’m easing into that too.

obsessions

  • Holiday Club 2017! Holiday club was the most fun & exhausting & rewarding week I’ve had in a long time. Spending a week with 150 kids and getting to watch them just be was incredible. There was so much love going around, and so much ice cream on Friday.  Too much ice cream.
  • Re-watching seasons 1-3 of New Girl. Oh my GOD. I mentioned how I’ve spent a lot of time noticing where my mannerisms come from, and the answer for the majority of them is season 1 & 2 Nick Miller. I didn’t realise how much I picked up from New Girl until I did this rewatch. It is madness – from the way Schmidt shortens words to the way Nick moonwalks away from situations and says things are the opposite of what he wants, there is a fundamental part of 2012 Shalom that owes herself to New Girl on Fox.
  • Nerdwriter episodes are quickly becoming some of my favourite things on the internet. I adore the video essay format, I adore the thinking behind each episode, I adore the content… I love it. I recommend watching a couple of them. (Also, watch The Prestige.)

Today there is a Harry Potter quiz with spaces that are near impossible to get, and I snagged a table for six. I am EXCITED. Today also marks the start of BEDIM, my newest project. BEDIM stands for a blog every day in May, and I’m ready to be creatively juiced by the end of it. The end of April also marks the two and a half month mark until I leave South Africa, and I’m hoping that anxiety can override the birthday anxiety. Issa lot.

Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right. This is how we fight.

Thanks, April. It is well.

love and light,
shalom xo

currently 2

currently…well, this seems to be a slightly better currently than the previous one.

currently, i am prepping for bedim – a blog every day in may – and i am worried that i’m going to be spread quite thin. that’s funny for me to say, because since the last currently i am still not conventionally employed. that’s a fun way to say broke ass bitch, ain’t it?

currently, i am comfortable in the little progress i am making. i’m in a strange space. does getting up before 10 even though i mostly have no reason to have something to do with it? probably.

currently, i am noticing tiny moments like when the sun is setting, and how 2012 shalom adopted almost 40% of her mannerisms from season one nick miller. (i really, really love new girl. the april monthly me explains it better.) i’ve eaten more eggs in the last two months than i ever have in my life – i think it’s maybe to make up the three years i spent not eating eggs.

currently, things are less foggy. it’s still very cloudy, but it’s easier to deal with cloudiness than unending fog. without fog, there’s room for noticing and seeing things before you trip over them (even if you trip over them anyway). i am tripping, HARD. but i’m also listening to podcasts and getting up when i feel like i can’t. i’m thinking of greenbelt fest with my pals from london in a couple of years. i’m present more than i have been in a while, and i’m tentatively relishing in it.

currently, i am getting ready to get stabbed with needles and miracles of science so that i get to move into my dorm with the most kickass italian surnamed kind spirited nursing student rutgers will ever see, and also so that i don’t get meningitis. i’m leaving everything i know soon. i’m ageing soon. many crises are presenting themselves, and i think i will get through them.

not past, but through. currently, we are going until we get there.

love and light
shalom xo

l.i.f.e.g.o.e.s.o.n

as of march fifth, i am twenty for twenty applications and rejections. life goes on.

i committed to a camp and a week-long kid’s ministry  holiday club thing on sunday. life goes on.

the logistics of my moving continents in less than six months are terrifying and fuzzy. life goes on.


i spend silly amount of time thinking about songs and when i want them to play in my life. for example, i have a very specific vision of me moving into my shared apartment in new york city after i graduate from college, and playing “this is the beginning” by boy. i make little music videos about my life and about what i want my life to be in my head, and very near lose my mind when the song matches up perfectly. i’ve thought about the song i want playing if i’m a runaway bride, about the song i want playing when i figure out i can do what i love for a living, and about what i want to be listening to when i get on a plane to visit my mom.

despite my extravagant time-wasting song thoughts, finding a song that describes the present is hard because i spend most of my time in my head and not in the moment. i heard this song for the first time in 2012 but i’ve had it on repeat for the last four days. it makes for a lil shake up in my brain that i need.

as a person, i’m used to having high expectations and being disappointed, then trying to avoid that disappointment by having no expectations and somehow still being disappointed. i’m used to feeling like death and wanting to desperately step out of my skin for a day or two. i’m used to wondering how on earth i’m still here, and i guess it’s because life goes on.

life goes on.

i have really little money and just a little more sense, but i know i have heart. i have an awfully massive amount of heart, and if that’s what has kept me going my own way the same way life goes on in its own way, then that’s what it is. i have heart and a bunch of tired, and life goes on. right now, that’s all i know to be true. everything else is a big hazy mess of real & not real dissociation games and feeling like trash and not being physically able to fix it and feeling all of the anxiety in the world in agonising three minute bursts.

life goes on, i guess.


the other day, i talked to my future roommate about where we’re going to live this fall. life goes on.

every day, donald trump does something to incriminate his entire administration and inches closer and closer to impeachment. life goes on.

i’m not as sad as i used to be. these days, i can notice rapid cycling. l.i.f.e.g.o.e.s.o.n.

love and light
shalom xo

New Year

It’s almost midnight, and I am reporting live from my bed thanks to an obnoxiously strong wifi connection. Did you know that wifi stands for wireless fidelity? I learned that in 10th grade.

I just made my lunch for tomorrow – read: I just put all leftovers from last week into a container to microwave at school tomorrow because I am done spending money the way I have been because I am broke – and I’m thinking about how this week could go.

I was at home for New Year’s Eve for the first time in more than 10 years this year (last year?) We usually go to a church service (which I have mostly always objected to because FRIENDS. HELLO MOM MY CHURCH FRIENDS ARE NOT EVEN HERE.) but there was some tension and strangeness, so I got to watch Guardians of the Galaxy and Home with my sisters, and then climb up to our rooftop to watch the fireworks.

I listened to this song on repeat for many reasons: (1) It was so perfect. So cliche. Living the dream. (2) I love Layla. Mostly because I can sing most of her songs well. And because her lyrics make me remember things I thought I couldn’t. (3) It gave me a lot of hope, and said what I needed to hear.

The sentence, “Yeah, you’re gonna be somebody” is repeated fourteen times in the song. At the beginning of 2016, I wanted nothing more than that reassurance. I was waiting on Canadian universities to give me a chance, and for my father to do the same. I was ready to go and be somebody across the ocean. I was so deeply in love, and I couldn’t shake myself from wanting to be somebody the exact way I thought I would be.

Fast forward to May 2016, and we see that I am heartbroken. The Canadian universities did give me the chance I wanted. I got in. I did my part. My dad didn’t. He flaked at the last minute, and I am somewhat stuck in a law degree for at least the next three years of my life at my current university. I cried a lot. (Thank you, UBC. It means a lot that you wanted me.)

The year so far really has been an understanding of what there is to lose. I’ve lost lots. Not nearly as much as I could have lost, for which I’m eternally grateful, but still lots. I’m still struggling to come to terms with the fact that things can go tits up no matter how hard you work. Beyonce was right.

lose.gif

It’s not the first day of a new year anymore, but I am still feeling broken (if not more) and I still want the same: I want to be somebody. I want to make something, leave something, be something. Having anxiety over leaving a legacy and creating that very legacy is a spectacularly painful and exhausting chunk of my psyche.

All this aside, I have an audition tomorrow. (Today?) It’s for a community theatre group. I’m nervous out of my mind. I don’t know what that has to do with anything about me being somebody, but I hope it makes my head a little less foggy. I don’t know. Perhaps this week will be more reflective than I’d thought it would. In all honesty, I should go to bed and stop researching portable chargers and earphones to buy online. It’s after midnight and I’ve got to be out of the house before 6 AM.

hi lovers lost behind us
hi lessons we failed to learn
hi those that tried to mould us
and tried to change us for the worse

can’t flee from bygones
no shaking off the truth
just a first understanding
of what we have to lose

you can’t cover over holes
you can’t burrow deeper down
yeah, you’re gonna be somebody

to being somebody.

love and light,
shalom xo


featured image from my-sweet-love-addiction.tumblr.com

YouTube and Lashes (Not the eye ones)

Am I a bad blogger? YES I AM A BAD BLOGGER.

This reminds me of a time when my English teacher (phenomenal woman) begged for forgiveness and then got on her knees and gave herself twenty make-believe lashes for accidentally cancelling appointments with some students.

I won’t be giving anyone any lashes.

On the real, I really am sorry for not posting at all! November comes at the worst time: NaBloPoMo, The Most Important School Exams I’ve Ever Written, Troye Sivan and Caspar Lee Coming To SA But I Can’t See Them Because I’m Writing Chemistry…the list goes on. I’ve been ridiculously busy and haven’t been able to get much done because I’ve been studying…but I haven’t gotten much studying done either?

In a word: bruh.

In any case, my YouTube channel is under construction! I’m officially starting on December 1st and I’m feeling all the feels, people. I feel a little weird, but mostly full of anticipation: there shall soon be a YouTube account that people will see me be awkward on and laugh and IT’S SUPER GREAT.

I+know+that+feel+bro+_f8bc5de9674fd54f1dc1cad678f774da

I’m super excited because this is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, and even though it’s going to be more work on my part, I feel like it’ll help me get more organised? Yeah, mapping out schedules that’ll go out of the window in a week – that’s my area of expertise, yo.

I’m going to be posting more regularly now that I only have FOUR EXAMINATIONS REMAINING (YASSSSSSSS) as well as a schedule in the pipelines- I’m really proud of this schedule, and if it would come to life and stop being a ninja turtle, it’d be great.

I’ve spent the better part of my day choosing channel art and convincing myself that I didn’t do too badly on my Drama Theory exam. Thank you to everyone on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter who have put up with my 12 “Should I really do this?” posts. I really appreciate every single bit of motivation that I get.

Love, excitement, and everlasting internet,

Shalom X

Blue Monday? FOR WHO

Hi everybody! Okay, I have some confessions and excuses to make:

  1. I’m very lazy
  2. My internet has been really slow
  3. School has been ridiculous
  4. Transcribing interviews is hard
  5. I’m lazy

Now that I’ve declared my reasons for not posting ANYTHING in almost EVER, we can move forward!

I’m not a person who achieves much on regular standards. This, in turn, leaves me a lot to struggle with and little to be proud of – I mean, who am I, finally taking a shower, in comparison to someone in my grade who already has university acceptance? I don’t do much. I have a friend who thinks I do everything (that’s you, Jess), but I really don’t. Even if I do more than the average teenager does, I’m not on par with everyone or anyone. It’s as if I was born with BELOW AVERAGE stamped on my right wrist.

Today is Monday. I’ve had a good Monday! For those of you who are new subscribers (is that the WordPress word?), I have some bad days. Seriously. I know that some of you are probably SO ANNOYED by my extremely depressing rants and seemingly ridiculous panic attacks, but writing is the only way I know how to deal with them. So…yeah.

About today! I took a magnesium supplement (because I couldn’t get my real drugs *insert drugs face here* ) and had some coffee before I got to school this morning. I was late for school. My hair wasn’t tied up correctly and I felt like I was walking around with a sign with the words: “DETENTION, PLEASE” on it.

I didn’t get detention.

And so begins my list. I’ve had a good day, and I think that too often we take good days for granted. Maybe *teen girl philosophy alert* we are too comfortable and simply expect another day. Maybe it’s because we haven’t all experienced days when it really seems like the only way to make the day better is by stopping it, and ourselves completely. Maybe we just don’t give a damn.

Whatever your reasons are for or for not appreciating the good days, they’re probably valid in some sense or another.I just think that it’s really important that we remember what we have, or how great we are, or how much it takes to get up (high-five to you for getting up!). So, without further ado, here is my list of things I’m proud of/ happy about/ grateful for:

  • My anthology mark – huge English project (read here) that I got 94% FOR! (In South Africa, that’s an A+.) YASSSS
  • My friend who recently survived a suicide attempt
  • Same friend who is currently KICKING HER EATING DISORDER’S BUTT
  • Myself for having great posture all day
  • My Pinterest board called ‘Surviving High School’
  • My sisters
  • A girl I met today named Alexa
  • YouTube
  • Jessica Craven
  • Magnesium supplements
  • Cleaning my room (YAASSSSSSS)

Add some more stuff, and there you have it. I’m glad to be alive today, guys. In the words of my English teacher,

“Keep the hope alive.”

All my love,

-Scoot xx


IT’S ALMOST BEEN A YEAR

 

EXCITING NEWS.

So I’m bubbling with excitement to tell you all some things that could be fairly AMAZING for this blog 😀

I’ve been thinking of doing some sort of a series for a while now, and I am pleased to announce that I will be starting my art[i]st series next week! Eek!

Basically, I have a line up of interviews with some of the most amazing creative minds that I’ve been able to come across, and I’ll be publishing the result of those interviews here. It sounds really boring when I phrase it like that, but it’s very kick ass, believe me.

I can’t wait to get this going! Links to all of the interviews will be found under the art[i]st tab in the headline bar, next to “Posts and Such”, and the art[i]st category will also contain these interviews!

SO MUCH EXCITEMENT

-Scoot xx


 

ps it’s my birthday party tomorrow i.e. cause for panic :s