wide-eyed and so damn caught in the middle

excuse me for a while, while i’m wide eyed and so damn caught in the middle of ending what was the biggest year of my life so far.

2017 taught me so much. i don’t know where to start except by saying that on new year’s eve last year, i was in the ivory coast, taking awkward photos with my sisters. we were at some event that we didn’t fit in at, but it was okay because (corny as it is) we were together. if you put that shalom in front of december 31st, 2017 shalom, she wouldn’t recognize me. i look different; i cut off all my hair, i sound different and have this weird english / south african accent going on, and i feel different.

apart from the awful respiratory infection i seem to have managed to contract thanks to the new england phenomenon of snow and frozen everything forever, 2018 is the first year i will be starting off as an unbroken person. for once, my brain is in check and my life is something i’d imagined – i am alright. 2016 shalom would not have recognized that, but she sure would be happy to see it.

i am wide-eyed and taking in everything for the first time in a long time. i wrote about this previously, but my eyes are open wide enough and it’s such a change from the usual brain fog i’d become accustomed to. i can’t begin to say how grateful i am for the help i’ve gotten while i’ve been here. i’d like to think my existence is a testament to it.

in any case, this year i: completed the monthly me series for 2017, started the currently series, wrote so much prose for music that i adore, moved countries, started making peace with my body, started to understand what i want to do, went to the beach in winter, saw more live music than i have in all nineteen years of my life, became the manager of a band, got over my ex, threw up more than i have in a while, saw snow, got hit in the face with said snow, taken a road trip and then some.

excuse me for a while. see you in twenty eighteen.

love and light,
shalom xo

laugh until our ribs get tired

spotify recently told me all of the music i’ve been listening to since i got it – so since august. ribs, by lorde, is up there in the top 20 and it baffled me to see it there considering the fact that i don’t remember listening to it any time after 2015. it did make me think about the fact that it is no longer 2015 – nearly no longer 2017 – and i still get that same rush i did when i listen to it.

it’s not enough to feel the lack, so here’s a snapshot of 2014 and ribs.

2014 through 2017 is a bob ross painting, except all the paintbrushes are rock solid and the end result is a bit of a mess – but bob ross made it, so it’s worth it. 2014 was dancing behind “do not enter” signs and making enough mistakes to only make them four or five times over. i learned and loved and felt, and all in a spectacular sixteen year old way. it’s crazy to think that i’m not 15 any longer, because i can still remember that year like it happened in last night’s lucid dream.

2015 was spinning until i was dizzy in every aspect of my life and being very proud of myself for not throwing up despite it all. goodness, do you remember your last year of high school? two years later and i can still tell you about change room discussions and story exchanges and eating chips in a theatre costume room instead of being in maths. high school ends, and so does 17.

seventeen ended and i was heartbroken and devastated in such a way that i still don’t understand it. i’m so grateful for first loves and what they teach us, but more importantly, i’m grateful for first heartbreaks and how surviving them is the bravest thing you could ever do at one point. boys and girls and non binary pals will break your hearts and i don’t know about you, but i’ve always liked puzzles and putting things back together.

i wish i could tell you what 18 was, but that was a year and a half ago and now i’m closer than ever to two decades of whatever it is i’m doing here. i’m finally learning the joy of being a carbon based lifeform – how lucky we are to never struggle with a logical notion of forever.

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anyway, i took a bunch of photos with my roommate today and they reminded me of ribs and they reminded me of how i wished i’d feel when i reminisced.

high school ends. it ends.
thank god.

happy last day of school, south african students!

love and light,
shalom xo

// h e a r t o u t //

it’s just (3,752 of) you and i tonight; why don’t you figure my heart out?

physical heart: anatomically correct (i’d hope). doing fine, bit stressed out by the amount of pizza i’ve eaten in the last three weeks and the fact that i don’t do enough cardio at all.

metaphorical brain heart: fervently passionate about the renewal of vows that i’ve had with the 1975 – we are an even happier couple now and i can’t go a day without them, it appears. also wants to write about heart out.

i like heart out for more reasons than i thought i would. in my re-listen of their first album, i wtried to figure out why i like the 1975 at all. i tried to find my favourite songs off the album, i tried to see if i liked the song more if i liked the video, and i watched so many sets of live shows to see whether i still liked the song when it’s performed live.

i like heart out for all of these reasons and obviously because i’m a gratuitous oversharer, i’m going to put more of my heart out here. if that’s even possible. if you ever need to piece me back together, i share my innermost secrets and emotions with thousands of strangers on the internet – you’ll find me there. i’m a very private person, see. can’t just be telling people you know these things.

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well, first: i love heart out now, more than i did in 2012. maybe it’s because i’ve learned how to properly listen through matty’s manchester accent, or because i really enjoy the way the video was directed and understand it  now (thanks drama directing prac). i guess because i’m older there are people who i can sing this song to and have almost every word relate to them. i’m not 14 anymore, and there are people that i  found when we were both younger much younger; people that i liked no matter what i found out about them. and now…now i sit with them after three or five or ten years of knowing them, trying to know them. still.

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the second verse always makes me laugh – it’s so very high school. it’s girls twirling their hair far too much until it tangles while talking to boys, and seeing three people in your year actively trying to mirror a girl in the year above, and that small circle of rich kids with drug problems and too much money. a reflection on their mental health? certainly.

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while i’ve (thankfully) never been addicted to cocaine and heroin, or sex, i wonder what my rocks and brown would be. what’s something i was, or am, obsessed with that most adequately reflected my mental health? perhaps how addictive my personality is to begin with and that moderation isn’t a word i can get my brain and body to understand. maybe how much i liked skins when i was 13. (that was stupid. who lets a 13 year old  with a new depression diagnosis watch skins? the internet. that’s who.) maybe my knack for self destruction by bringing other people up and quashing my need for self care? i guess i’m figuring my heart out, and figuring out what my heroin is. it makes for interesting self to self conversation.

i’ve always been good at one thing though, and that’s a lotttttta feelings. yes ma’am, that’s me, center of the feelingsverse, feels HQ – “haver of every and any feeling” is my official title. how very cancerian of me. if you’ve been around here a while, or even if this is the first post you’ve finished, i’m almost certain you can tell. i still do live in my head a massive amount. i guess…i am the adolescent on the phone; speaking like i’m bigger than my body.

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my birthday is on tuesday and i’m trying not to be scared about it but all the trying is tiring. but i don’t want to be afraid. my impulse control is non existent. i really want to take my meds every day this week but a morning dose is hard if i only muster the strength to get out of bed after noon. my room is mostly clothes and i’m tired of going shopping for my move. i hate seeing attractive boys with kind eyes because i do stupid things like repeat myself to my friends 100 times. i’m still scared that everyone who’s ever said they like me don’t, and that i’m not actually a likeable person. i think that maybe my idea that i’m good is wrong, because am i? could i really be? i have worse posture than people think – i just stand up really straight in public because it’s part of the things that i do in public. i’m so bad with money.

there it is.

/ / H E A R T   O U T / /

love and light,
shalom xo