‘i’m never buying an exercise guide again’, or, ‘wasting money while manic’

i have a lot of things to do at the moment. apart from beating this upper respiratory tract infection & sinuitis, almost all of them are school related. i’m tired of school, friends. we are eight weeks in and i am eight weeks more homesick-ish. it’s a different kind of homesick. anyway. i am a bit of a spender when i’m manic, and it hurts me and i wanna talk about it! here we are!

when i’m manic, i feel like i can do anything. i can save the world, write songs, create series, become anyone – i can do anything. this being said, i also believe that i can buy anything. fellas. i cannot buy anything.

ya girl broke.

i have a nasty habit of buying in sixes while manic; see strawberry whirls (2013) menstrual cups (2016), tide detergent (2017), books?? (present). i’m gonna be telling y’all about the books.

i’m not sure why i started it, and i’m not even certain i remember what the first book was. [edit: i do! it was neil hillborn’s our numbered days.] anyway, i bought a book for a regular book price and didn’t think it was a dangerous purchase because it’s a book! i just wanted a book! (it’s never just a book, silly shalom.)

the spiral began softly: poetry book (acceptable), john green’s latest offering turtles all the way down (i mean, kinda okay, i’d been waiting for it for a while and it was on sale!), rae earl’s it’s all in your head: getting your sh*t together (which is both okay and not okay. mostly not because how did i get there? how did i get to the point of ordering it? i don’t know. also, i ordered it from ireland. ireland? why do i let this happen?)

and then. and then.

i bought an exercise guide for a stupid amount of money. stupid. truly, fuck instagram fitness and fuck my brain for doing me in like this. when i say stupid, i mean money i will need for a winter coat stupid. i mean “save for essentials” stupid. i’d never felt the urge to buy this stupid glorified ‘strictly no refunds’ pdf for twice the price of a normal book ever. and yet, here we are. here i am, crying about it night after night because i did.

friends, i wish i could say it stopped there, but i am too untrue of a person to become even more so by lying. it didn’t stop. i bought jonny sun’s everyone’s an aliebn when you’re an aliebn too and then ordered anOthER (excuse this, but i am offended at how ridiculous i’ve been) book by an irish author because i saw “eating disorder” and “sale” in the same sentence. (it was on sale, and book depository makes shipping free, but it’s still unacceptable.)

would someone please put an end to this?

if i’m being honest, i spend most of my time while manic begging my brain to stop. i’m tired of spending money i don’t have on stupid things in stupid patterns because boop! it be like that. i really hate it.

i really want this to be over. i will never forgive myself for buying that guide so help me God.  anyone wanna transfer their powers of moderation to me? i haven’t had any. ever. really, i went through a childhood journal of mine a few months ago and realised that i’ve been doing this shit since i was 12, albeit with less important things. i.e. not money. that i  n e e d.

i have too many books. i don’t have the time to read them all. at least i’ve hit six now, i guess. guess i’ll just freeze!

love and light,
shalom xo

Christmas College | Blogmas Day 6

Thank you for returning, if you’re a returnee! If not, let me fill you in: yesterday was really shit, and yesterday’s post was really shit, and the returnees are gems for having returned. As are you, for showing up. Are we all on the same page?

To get us all warmed up for the brilliant boring-ness that is my life, have this:

 

I FORGOT HOW FUNNY THESE ARE TO MAKE IM YELLING

A video posted by Teen Wolf (@stiles.scott.isaac) on Dec 5, 2015 at 11:45pm PST

 

Onto today! I started today in tears, and woke up awfully sick and stuffy. Again. Do tears make you sick? I thought to myself, “today seems nice enough. I should vlog. Should defs find my camera.” I didn’t. In any case, I spent my mid-morning / afternoon at the Rosebank Rooftop Market, which was incredible. There were so many stalls, so much food, and crazy talented tap dancers. I wish I took more photographs – the market was amazing from start to finish. Also, there was a juice bar. JUICE. BAR.

Upon arriving home, I was slapped in the face by two things: A reminder from myself in the form of SHALOM YOU IDIOT YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TAKING YOUR AFTERNOON MEDS YOU FOOL; and THE SCHOLARSHIP DEADLINE IS DECEMBER 10TH YOU FOOL FINISH YOUR APPS YOU FOOL.

I refer to myself as “you fool” in my head an awful lot.

As I type this, the day is almost out. I have not even opened the application portal. I am now a secret santa to someone in my family, broke, trying to organise sleepovers, envious, disheveled (and not in a cute way), biting the nail polish off of my sad excuses for fingernails, in a lot of pain, and listening to love songs.

I ate almost a litre of ice-cream yesterday. I’m doing substantially better. I wish I could go to uni to learn how to Christmas more effectively. Christmas College. I think I’m going to title this post with that.

If any kind souls out there would be keen to proofread my college app supplements, let me know? I’d owe you endless.

Love and light,
shalom x

Tinsel Town | Blogmas Day 4

I woke up unbelievably sick today – stuffy nose, crusty eyes and more snotty tissues than I’d seen in a long, long time. In any case, I made some miracle tea out of cinnamon, honey, lemon, ginger and rooibos, and saw myself ready to go in less time than I had expected.

Tonight I went out for sushi with two of my lovely friends. While eating the sushi, my bad blogger skills showed up and the photos that were supposed to be taken, were not. I did get emergency snaps of the mall, though! After yelling, “BLOGMAS! PHOTOS FOR BLOGMAS! CHRISTMAS!” these happened:

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I did, however, get pictures of ice cream. Because — ice cream.

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There’s always time for chocolate, though, and sleepover culture dictates  that there needs to be some crying over  expensive chocolate. Obviously.

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Today was a success, overall. I’m exhausted, re. going out while SICK AF, but I’m glad I got to see the Christmas decor. The logical thing to do would be to sleep, but Zoella’s Vlogmas Day 3 video is calling my name far too loudly.

Love and light,
Shalom