monthly me | januARI ’17

deep breath. big sip of water. hope, dismay, repeat.

this is january.

january

january has just been a lot. i don’t know how else to explain it. this month i lost a job i never had (but 100% had in my mind), found out that i am fat (and had it consistently reaffirmed by people who think my body is their business), ran so many errands for my mom (because i’m not in school and i don’t have a job and i am essentially a bum) and wrote. i wrote some pretty good pieces this month. i’m proud of them. the trump presidency is…a disgrace and disaster of biblical proportions.

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i don’t know what we can do to fix it. i mean, i guess i have to become president. boop. but for real, it’s been a mess and i’ve been cutting ties like i do fresh bread because i’m not here for nazi sympathisers. watch your wrist if you punch one, friends.

from the camera roll

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i had no sleep and was thinking too much. so i got a breakfast bowl.

on repeat

talk with your fingertips
don’t stop the car, let’s drive

suck on your amber lips
just give me one bad night

i think of this song in the context of my friend, dani, and also how i’m tom incarnate.

friends, sometimes when you’re on, you’re really fucking on. (i’m gonna write a whole post on this song because it’s fits too well.)

obsessions

ARI FITZ.

man. don’t even let me start. this month has been januARI.

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ari fitz invented jawlines, facial expressions, cheekbones, tomboyish style, and tiny geometric tattoos. facts only. i’m enamoured with her style, her boldness, her carefree black girl realness & her die hard attitude. ari is intelligent and talented beyond measure, inspiring in a way i didn’t think i could think someone could be, and extremely gorgeous. y’all. my knees are the weakest.

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she makes videos every single day, and is the curator of the tomboy-style instagram & channel, the tomboyish (@the.tomboyish). ari is a big voice on androgyny in style & accepting and channeling one’s masculinity and femininity together. (did you know that androgyne is literally greek for male-female? andro – male; gyne – female. lit.) 11/10 would recommend. y’all seeing that? eleven out of ten.

other obsessions include

  • the never ending job hunt
  • the college apps check (login, sigh, logout, repeat)
  • crackerbread
  • tea in the morning

snippets of internal monologue

  • SHALOM. you can’t just run a 5k. you can’t just do things like that! do you understand?
  • are you ever going to edit that portugal vlog? (i did. it’s here.)
  • where in the HELL am i going to university LORD

today someone told me to keep writing. i had my freelance pitches rejected SO HARD, so i really needed to hear that. keep doing what keeps you up. it’s 5:21 AM here. here’s to february and resistance and progress. please, lord. progress.

love & light,
shalom xo

currently

currently, i am trying to figure out how i want to look, what makes me feel good, why i don’t like my body & my face, and what i can do about it. i am trying to figure out if the way my body moves is alien to me because it has never moved like this, or because i’ve never noticed. i’m not sure how much of a difference it’ll make.

currently, i’m growing old trying to get into college and to make sure that neither of my sisters have to go through the long winded process that i am currently going through (to self: shalom, have you emailed mrs. hind for your sister?). i am trying to find work for the american summer, because…well, point five. i am unsure of what the future looks like from as early as june, and i don’t enjoy the uneasiness that comes with it.

currently, i am trying to make my way into freelance writing because i’m broke and because i really want to write. so far, a byline from women’s republic (a start up magazine that i am honoured to write for) looks possible. i’d like to write for the establishment, though. i need to get on that.

currently, i am dealing with the fact that i don’t have clothes outside of sleep shirts, a pair of jeans, and sweater dresses. i’m becoming more aware of how i think i want to present myself, and i think i need clothes for that. there’s a running joke in my family about me and becoming a nudist because of my lack of clothes, and it sounds like a joke, but oh, the possibilities….

currently, i am broke. as usual. i didn’t get the job at lush which sucks so hard. i am trying to scrape up R200 because i will not miss vodka party if you paid me. i mean, maybe if you paid me. seeing that i’m broke, and all.

currently, i am lonely. i’m not in school, so friends from school are (1) far and few between to begin with, and (2) in school. it’s a bit shit, the lack of platonic and romantic partners in my life. i need friends. and maybe someone to make out with. or maybe just some sleep.

currently, i’m putting on a pair of joggers i stole from a friend (she let me keep ’em tho, tell ’em ash) & going to run errands for my mom. am i going to lament over the price of tampons and yoghurt? probably.

there’s a lot going on right now, and i’m trying my best to ease into it. with my track record, i probably won’t. you’ll find out, though. chronic oversharer and all that.

love and light,
shalom


featured image from death to stock

Scoot on ~ having no clothes

“I can’t go out, I  have no clothes.” 

Something said far too often by people who actually just have too many clothes to choose from, that they feel so overwhelmed and get struck with temporary blindness, causing them to be unable to see their masses and masses of clothing. At least that’s what I think happens.

I personally have never been a victim of no-clothes-itis but it hits some people pretty badly. Take my best friend for an example: I went to her house after school because we had an arts evening that night. So she opens her cupboard and says “I have no clothes.” And considering the fact that she lives with her dad, and only 30% of her collection was at mom’s house, it’s relatively understandable.

Except for the part where she ACTUALLY HAD CLOTHES.

I used to think that when somebody said that they had no clothes, it meant that they HAD NONE. I guess I learned not when I was about 12 and somebody said that they had no clothes, so I proceeded to chuck every article of clothing out of their closet and say “You sure?”

Don’t get me wrong, I understand what it feels like not to want to wear the same thing twice. And it’s really not coming from a viewpoint of somebody with lots of clothing. I literally have one pair of shorts. I mean, yes, it feels like you’ve worn absolutely everything. But let me be the very first to assure you: YOU HAVE NOT.

I guess there are loads of things you can do…I mean I don’t know, I’m just a random tall kid who lives in a pair of jeans. I guess accesorising is good…and mixing and matching…and trends…and a whole bunch of other fashion stuff I don’t know a flying fart about. But people do, and I guess learning from them is good…unless if you’re a lazy ass like me who’d just rather wear jeans.

I think clothes are so frustrating, I mean I hate that clothes are a thing. Not because I’d rather be naked (Sweet Baby Jesus NO) , I’d hate it because things cost money and money…well it’s money. Egh.

I think that everybody has a sense of style, and I also have no clue what I’m talking about, so it’s really best you take NOTHING I say about fashion into consideration. Except this: PLEEEAASE DO NOT FOLLOW THAT TREND SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE PUT OUT THAT SAID THAT WEARING YOUR HAIR UNDER A HUGE CHUNKY NECKLACE IS COOL!

That’s it really. Sooooo I guess I’ll go have a look in my not so full but most definately NOT empty closet now. I hope you had the  most stellar of days and that you go forth and prosper in whatever else you do today. 😀

All my love, all the time

Scoot xx