4 a.m. sunrise

Being up for the sunrise is different to getting up to see the sunrise. See, it’s 5:11 A.M where I live, and I’m yet to find sleep. This is a usual occurrence for me. It’s a pity; the sunrise seems to lose its brilliance when the only thing you have to offer to the awakening earth is your exhausted, eye-bagged self.SAM_2241.JPG

The sunrise is always changing. It starts as it does: a little dark and highlighted by the little lights and houses that mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, but everything to those that dwell in them. The orange gives this crazy kind of hope – dare I say misconception? – that the sun will come up, and the brilliant blue sky will present itself, and the day to come will unfold with the same kind of magic.

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The early bird catches the worm, and somebody zooms past the house front in an attempt to get to the train station before it’s crowded, or to get away from everything else that is crowded. The sky starts to brighten, and more people stir. The joggers come out, and the birds make more noise than they were making ten minutes ago.

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It’s an every day thing, the sunrise. I suppose our tininess is too. Every day, all of us – inconsequential people – wake up in our inconsequential houses to run our inconsequential errands until we die. Inconsequentially.

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I didn’t get to see the sunrise. There was no sunrise today. More than a sunrise, there was an overwhelming period of cloud cover with a dormant sun threatening ever so slightly to peek through. The cloud cover seemed to almost exactly mirror my mental state. 2015 has been a lot of grey.

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I feel quite strange today. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep over the last six months, maybe it’s the lack of medication, the weather, the hyper-awareness – I don’t know what this is. I know that I have three very distinct lines of feeling, though. One: I am terrified of everything and I want it all to stop, I want to stop being afraid, I want to be alone and at the same time, not. Two: I am more powerful than anyone could ever imagine. If you’re not scared of me, you should be. There is nothing that the world could throw at me that my brain hasn’t already. Not even death. Three: Nothing. I feel nothing. I am apathetic under a stained white shirt and jeans that used to make me feel something.

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I am not the teenage girl who gets up at 4 AM to see the sunrise. I am the girl who stands on a rooftop at 4 AM after being awake for longer than she can remember and sifts through the surrounding sounds while wrapped in her friend’s blanket.

It is not ideal. But, there have been, and will continue to be worse things that can and will happen at 4 A.M.

there are worse things than being awake at 4 am. another day will come, and the sunrise will come. eventually.

And all the kids cried out,
“Please stop, you’re scaring me”
I can’t help this awful energy
Goddamn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?

Control – HALSEY

Love and light,
shalom

 

Scoot on ~ The Beautiful Craziness That Is My Home

DEAREST INTERNET HOW I’VE MISSED YOU

MARRY ME

NEVER LEAVE ME

Beautiful beings, I’m back! Huge huge huge shout outs to my dearest dearest Jess – this girl is my the left boob to my life and I really did miss her! (‘Left boob’ being an affectionate term, and contrary to popular or unpopular belief, Jessica Rachel Craven is not a breast.) Then to Miss Beckensträter: JENNA YOU’RE LOVELY AND I HOPE YOU’RE DOING A-O-GOOD PIE! And lastly, to anyone and everyone out there who reads this, to beating hearts all around: I hope I get to come in contact with your beautiful soul someday! ♥

Now, the question at hand: Where the hell have I been, and WHY ME NO UPDATE????

To be frank, *takes deep breath*, I went to Ethiopia for 2 weeks because my dad now works at the AU and I sat in the lobby of the apartment we were staying in because the wifi was there and at every available moment, so was I, and I wrote posts and published two of them and also stayed indoors of the Furnished Diplomat Apartments, Addis Ababa, for most of the time except during the last week when I went to the AU (African Union) Headquarters and the National Museum of Ethiopia partially because I had to take pictures or my friend Rebecca would kill me with fire and then I packed up my stuff and headed back to South Africa for all of one day and then re-packed and hopped back on a plane to Nigeria where *ANOTHER DEEP BREATH* we’d be denied visitation rights to my mother’s insanely amazing familia and forced to go to y father’s village where everything village like exists including evil witches who use you don’t want to get on the bad side of and I got malaria and then flew back and I am now in Johannesburg in my house on a couch updating.

In brief, that’s where I’ve been the past month. 

I’ve been on 4 planes and in 3 airports, and I’m tired as hell on a stick (I do wonder how tired hell really can be if there are people burning in it?I I guess burning is rather tedious.) and right  now, I have some serious appreciation for South Africa.

Today, at 3am, I watched a sunrise from a South African Airways plane seat. I watched the sun rise from above the clouds. I saw my home unfold – and I was silent, for a while. I mean, it’s not every day, or even every second day that you see something like that. And I’m sure I could have been flying to Tehran and seen exactly the same thing, but there’s something about coming home that changes the way everything is. 

I guess it’s been difficult to orient myself with a specific nationality, just in my eyes though. My mom and dad are Nigerian born and raised (HUGE stigma in South Africa) and I was born rather patriotically on July 4th in Prince George’s County, Maryland, USA. I live in Johannesburg, South Africa. 3 passports makes it difficult to identify yourself. I’m an American born South African with Nigerian parents. WHAPOWOWOWOWOW!

After a month away from my own house, I can tell you one thing: Tonight, I may not sleep well. What’s certain, however, is that I’m here in SA, and it is my home; I love it.

I love this country, and I love these people, and I love this place.

Spend a month in the rest of Africa -or even just 2 countries- after living comfortably in Joburg, and you would too.

This pampoen is getting her SOUTH AFRICAN I.D tomorrow 😀 somebody drop a whoop! Stay wonderful now. 😉

All my love, all the time

-Scoot xx