2016 IS A BITCH.

THIS YEAR HAS BEEN THE BIGGEST LOAD OF ABSOLUTE PRACTICAL JOKENESS ON MY LIFE. LET’S TALK ABOUT IT.

Ah, 2016. This year was supposed to be filled with promise, new adventures, love and all round awesomeness. It was going to be amazing. We’re in November now, and I’ve never been more sure of the second coming of Christ in my life. There is NO WAY that everything will go back to normal after this – what even is normal? What even has 2016 been?

This year I have:

  • been punched (and still made to pay double) by a taxi driver
  • been robbed four times
  • gotten accepted into a bunch of Canadian universities then was forbidden to go
  • had two phones stolen from me
  • seen the south african government give zero fucks about the future of the youth and the education crisis in the country
  • had my laptop, my baby Gertrude, completely give up on me
  • gone through a messy breakup (messy as in I was a mess, I cried for three weeks straight and my mother thought I would dissolve into tears)
  • been blackout drunk at a res party and ended up crawling through the halls, earning me the reputation of “that drunk girl who was crawling at the first EOH party” according to one boy
  • seen the bankrupt guy from the apprentice be nominated as the republican candidate for the presidency
  • beaten a man up on the sidewalk in self defence
  • lost R200 in one go
  • been flat broke and had my account in overdraft enough times to almost have the bank freeze my accounts
  • had my new bank account frozen for three weeks with my allowance in it
  • been fired
  • managed to be broke 24/7 despite working three jobs
  • had three pairs of headphones
  • lost the first pair at the first uni party, the second at the first res party and somehow managed to will the third to stop working
  • had people completely cut me off without any explanation
  • tripped in heels at least six times
  • run out of a restaurant during a really awkward date by answering a fake phone call and yelling “gee i’ve got to go like right now oh man bye!”
  • broken at least four pairs of shoes
  • sliced my fingers open with knives, bottle caps, washing machines, cupboards, and tins of jam
  • facilitated nine successful hookups in a day and none of my own (call me wingman extraordinaire)
  • had the hot water in my house off for two weeks
  • had to change my holiday to lisbon three times because my sister’s exams got shifted
  • been threatened with rape by the police
  • had my godmother not respond to my emails
  • had two colleges just…not process my application (they just didn’t do it)
  • very nearly came close to being in a fight with a drug addict at pride, and
  • have no bras that fit my new and improved birth control boobs.

It sounds like a joke! How can this much absolute crap happen to one human being in ten months?  Who’s puppy’s tail did I stand on in a past life? This year has been a mess. I am currently a mess. I have work in three hours, an exam on the two days following today, and a travel agent to call. I hate phonecalls.

I have a couple of posts coming up including a l0ok back on Joburg Pride (which was a fantastic day where I’m almost 100% certain I found my pal Ash a wife), my October rewind, a lil talk about police brutality and probably more angsty rants. I am going through the MOST.

love and light,
shalom xo

The Week From Hell

Seriously. I was punched in the face before 8AM.

This is the first break I have had the entire week, and I only have 54 minutes left of it. The panic has been very,very real. While I have been lucky enough to have Hamilton help me get by (my obsession is a little OTT), sometimes, a superb rap musical just isn’t enough.

Monday: You know, Monday was the only okay day.  I went to my lecture. I remembered to take my meds. Things were working out, man!

Tuesday: SURPRISE BITCH. It was my immediate younger sister’s birthday, and that was fine. It was great, she was happy. I got to uni, and was late for my 8AM. The lecturer had changed. I had zero clue what communication models he was talking about. That day,  I realise that I cannot find ANY of the cases I need to know for my law test, in a week. My English tutor tells me that my way of thinking is wrong, a week before the essay that counts for half of my grade is due. Excellent The panic is very real.

Wednesday: WELL. My mother made some cryptic accusations (???) and told me that a meeting between her and myself would be happening this weekend. Excellent. I miss my 10AM lecture because I have the anxiety attack from hell. I go to the bank to close an account, like I have been trying to do for the last MONTH, and they keep me running. I send an email of complaint, because NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO GO TO FOUR BRANCHES TO CLOSE AN ACCOUNT. I realise that tomorrow is the philosophy test. Perfect. Nothing else could go wrong, right?

Thursday: WRONG. It rains the entire day. I get punched in the face by a taxi driver, and have to pay twice because he decided that it’s a good day for xenophobia. Lovely. I cry while trying to gird my loins in preparation for the philosophy test that I am very, very unprepared for. The guest law lecturer calls on me in class, and I say “Wasn’t it, I mean, kind of yeah not really.”. The question was what the third factor the courts look out when evaluating discrimination according to the constitution. Good job, Shalom. I arrive at my law tutorial, and haven’t read the case, BECAUSE I COULDN’T FIND IT. I can’t answer any questions. I see people leaving and wonder why, and then realise that they are going to the philosophy test. OH. SHIT. I run out of the lecture theatre, into the rain, and make the Great Trek TM to West Campus. I wait for 30 minutes outside the venue. I realise I am early, and that my slot is only in an hour. Ah. Wonderful. I decide to go to the library, and my student ID won’t allow me to enter. Excellent. I decide to go to the bathroom before test. ALL THREE BATHROOMS (not cubicles, as in, three buildings) ARE OUT OF ORDER. Perfect. I write my test, but not before having my shoe fall off of my foot, and having myself fall into a puddle. I get home, and THE INTERNET IS BROKEN. I also can’t fix it, because all of our landlines are broken because our internet is broken. Holy hell, okay.

Friday: I find the law cases. I get back my English assignment and score an A. I go to the bank AND THEY STILL MUCK ABOUT. I find out I am only leaving campus at 9 tonight. I mean, today could go worse. It’s only 3 o’clock.

I am tired. The entire universe has taken a piss both on me and in my coffee this week. I am tired.

I have no clue if I will finish reading the cases that I need to, and then finish actually studying for the law test. Prolly not. I have no clue if next week will continue at this rate. If it does, don’t expect much from me but more sarcasm than usual. If that’s possible. Ugh.

love & light,
shalom