Exactly Sixteen Tireds

I’ve been so tired.

 

(if you liked the nebula thing that was the featured image, you can make your own here! super calming and super great.)

I try sometimes, but most times I can’t even be bothered. I wake up, I take a shower, I put on my (new and sassy) glasses, I go to school, my file falls off the dashboard on the way there, I get sad because I think of friends who aren’t friends anymore, I plaster on a smile, say ‘darling’ far too many times, take ‘too much’ (enough + prescribed) medication, have genuine laughs with lovely people, kiss said people too much, go to class, get out of class, give hugs, hope to go home, don’t go home, eat too much…

Look, it’s not an interesting schedule, but it’s mine. And at it’s tiring.

I’ve decided that if my tiredness could be quantified, it’d be done in tireds. And it’d be meticulously calculated by adding the years that I’ve been alive to the number of hours I’d ideally spend listening to good music and not crying/crying (dependent on the day), and then subtracted by the amount of time I’m doing school related things.

16+12-12
=16 tireds

I’m so tired, because with four tests a week and a bajillion things to do and a birthday in four months (OH MY ASDGSFSDG PANIC!WITHOUT THE DISCO) and the dangerous thoughts coming back and fricken’ prom in five months (actually, I don’t think I care about this?), I don’t know how to be less tired.

It’s no surprise that I’ve been reduced (?) to my truest form: a teary eyed sixteen year old girl, eating shortbread and avoiding reading because “Gatsby was supposed to be FUN not a fricken’ chore”.

I have no idea what this is.

I have no idea what I am.

The existential crisis has been rather intense, as of late.

love and light
?

Scoot on ~ stuff I don’t know what to title

My name is Scoot – wait…wait, I’ve done this before.

Anyway, hi everybody! I know, I know, I said new posts every day but woah :O School just got a lot more hectic and I don’t even know how. It’s like someone’s standing behind the school, and has got this huge hectic-o-meter, and they just turned it up to something crazy like 11 when the scale only goes up to 5.

Anyway, I’ve been out and about going on camps, being pranked involving hyenas, eating bag after bag of chips, becoming lacto-vegetarian  😀 PROUD 😀 and also staying alive, which is relatively important at this point. 🙂

I guess with all my days away I’ve had a chance to think about something absolutely mind boggling…but I changed my mind. I guess what my dear shortest friend said to me today means much more: “Isn’t it scary how most of your life is based on things you do as a teenager?”

That got me good. I mean, you’re a crazy sixteen year old who wants to do nothing but have a beautiful face and a boyfriend/girlfriend and be accepted and taste alcohol…and that’s your future, bro. Why on earth would the universe ever let some crazy hormonal-ass teenager make life decisions? Like, is this some sort of a sick joke? It’s craziness, I wont lie. And today, I don’t have a list for you on how to make the best decisions when you’re a teenager, or how to live a fuul life, or how to be absolutely fantastic and amazing…but I do know that we can do anything.

We, as in you and I. I can. You can. YOU CAN! I probably don’t know who you are, or what you’re going through, or why, or if your favourite goldfish got stolen, or if your pasta sauce won’t thicken, or if you’re feeling suicidal and want to die more than anything, I don’t know. I do know that I’ve been through a hell of a lot. And I’m here. There are so so so many times when I think about all the times I tried to picture how better the world would be without me, but I’m here. I’m here, and I’m a blogger, and I’m alive. I’m alive.

I don’t know if that’s a big deal for you guys, but it is for me. Really, it is. It’s a big deal to be able to look someone dead in the face and say, “You are a lovely person and I would love to keep talking to you”. It’s a big deal for me. I think that we all have time to do that, to make someone better–we just need to find it.

So that’s all I have on my mind for today, and also that I think you’re beautiful. Everyday, I think you are beautiful. And whoever has the pleasure of ever speaking to you is a better person because they did. 

My interview for Junior City Council is tomorrow, and I hope you all have fingers crossed for me 🙂

Gun to my head honest, I love you all. I mean, thank you. For being.

All my love all the time

-Scoot xx

Scoot on ~ sleeping and the lack thereof

 

It’s a well-known fact that teenagers should sleep. Whoever came up with that fact obviously hasn’t met the internet–supposed that they’re still alive, and if not…well God bless his or her soul.

Anywho, about two nights ago I went to bed at around 4 am, only to find that the sun was already rising, leaving me to consume my 3am ice cream in much despair, because of school in 3 hours and other ridiculous things that I believe nobody should have to ever worry about. I couldn’t sleep (duh) and I couldn’t figure out why either. It’s like 4 out of 5 voices in my head wanted to sleep, and the other one was thinking things like, “If tomatoes are a fruit, then is ketchup actually a smoothie? And also, does thee colour orange have the name of the fruit, or the fruit the name of the colour?” 
You see I’m not crazy. I know some people will beg to differ, but I’m not, I swear. I’m being serious here, I’m wouldn’t surprise you with any euphemisms (i.e. I’m just special, or I’m different) if I meant I was actually batshit crazy. I don’t have voices voices I’m my head, just regular voices in my head voices. (Say voices fast 12 times. 😛 )
These voices aren’t always helpful, and neither are the things that people tell you to do to help you sleep. Well, not for me anyway. So I’ve come up with a list of:
Things That DO NOT Help One To Sleep
  1. Counting sheep. Who in the hell came up with this? Seriously, like where does this come from? Because somebody decided that an adequate,appropriate way for someone to fall asleep would be for them to count some wool-making, cloud-looking farm animal. What?  Why would anybody want to think of a sheep if they’re having trouble sleeping? Maybe it’s the “soft and fluffy” mentality. But still, no ways.
  2. Trying to dream.  THIS DOESN’T WORK! I can testify, from about six years of experience. You want to dream about bunnies? Good for you! You think  planning your dream before you sleep is gonna help you out? WRONG. That does nothing but leave you in this half-awake half-dreaming state, and it’s awful. I’m not talking about lucid dreaming here, because that’s actually quite cool (For those of you who didn’t know, lucid dreaming is being able to control your dreams by being awake in them. Here’s how:  http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYSX51xBkos‎ 
  3. Lastly, Crawling into bed. Granted this helps whenever you need to be studying, or doing something important, but the moment you get into a bed to do what a bed was made for (sleep if you wondered, naughty :O ).

So in conclusion, I’m tired. And sleep is SO necessary right now. But maybe I can go another day…them Youtube videos keep me up anyway..

All my love all the time

-Scoot xx