monthly me | june ’17

Alright. OKAY. We are in the seventh month of the year, I have a migraine, and I think I’m almost out of applesauce – this was June!

from the camera roll

 

june.

June was a weird one, I gotta say. I spent most of June falling desperately deep into a low that I’m yet to come out of, and the rest of it in bed trying to come out of it. I learned that I can squat 50 kg and that I hate spin classes, and I also dropped my phone in the toilet. Incredible. Incredible is a word I use most often these days, and I’ve found myself shortening it to “incred” – it freaks me out a tad and I don’t know why. June. Lots of “feels bad man” eating disorder mentality moments. Overly excited to see Matt’s new post! June? In June I went to Collision Conference which was full of really fancy lights and really good thoughts to go home with and also Rich Wilkerson, Jr – the guy who married Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? I didn’t know that about him. In any case, he’s rad af, and Collision was a soul stunner. I appreciated every second apart from the baptism of my phone.

This month also saw me being…uh…financially reckless, to say the least. My check (?) for the articles I wrote in May & June hasn’t been delivered and my savings account took a beating because ya girl was (read: is perpetuallybroke. Processing financial aid without a US address is…a mess, to say the least. I’m dealing with the fact that my birthday is no longer sneaking up on me but is instead ramming me in the face with anxiety, and that I’m leaving the country in a month, by reading copious amounts of Supernatural fanfiction. Unashamed. 4 weeks. Yikes.

June brought about pride and the one year anniversary of the Pulse Orlando shooting. My heart is heavy.

 

tunes + vidzzz

with my feelings on fire / guess i’m a bad liar
(heaven knows why i listened to this for two days straight)

This month has been re-falling in love withe the 1975 the same way i did in 2012 – oh BOY. i’ve listened to (long title) i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it almost every day, and it’s not an album i’ve ever wanted to cherry pick off of. Initially, I loved The Sound and UGH! more than everything else on the record, but y’all, it is one hell of a record. I listen to it from track one to track 17 the whole way through, and while it’s long as hell, it’s uh…incred. I’ve also been listening to everything off of their first record again, and it’s funny how music feels same same but different after 5 years.

a Very Good piece of Art

i’m too busy to finish —

snippets of internal monologue

  • never. EVER. ever. touching whiskey again. NEVER.
  • if i can’t get out of bed because i didn’t take my meds because i can’t get out of bed, is the root of the problem more like a leaf? or a stem?
  • Shalom, exactly what do you think you’re taking to the US? What actually. What are you doing. WHAT ARE WE DOING
  • “maybe i’m just trying to distract myself from my mortality” – sounds about VERY RIGHT

July is happening and 19 is happening and I still have a migraine. I’m trying to do more. Write every day, go outside every day, take my meds every day, eat every day – I’m trying. This was a weak as hell outro.

love and light,
shalom xo

of resolutions and old new years

Hi, gang. I’m working on a better salutation that doesn’t only have it’s desired effect when I say it out loud because this is a blog. And you’re reading, rather than hearing. Anyway, I’m working on that.

New year’s resolutions (see how I placed that apostrophe correctly? Huh? Huuuuh?) are weird for me. Not because I don’t make them, though, because I make the hell out of them. I usually do pretty well when it comes to accomplishing them too. For example, my 2016 resolutions – or, as I wrote down in my purple planner, “for 2016” – included the following:

  • more acceptance
  • big moves
  • dedication
  • take care
  • more water
  • save $$$
  • keep learning

…and more of the sort. While super vague, they all made sense to me because I wanted them to be a little cryptic so that I wouldn’t expose myself if someone found my planner and called me out on not being dedicated enough. The dedication could have been dedication to eating more pizza rolls…if I’d ever had a pizza roll. But you’re catching what I’m throwing, yes? My resolutions have been big on a small scale that only I understand. I usually make them on the first day of the year and have a page in my planner and it’s all really lovely. Can you sense what’s about to happen? How I’m about to tell you how that’s not happening right now? Good.

This year, for starters, I don’t have a planner yet. It’s almost the middle of January, and I am yet to create a January spread. The new year is old! It has lost the sparkle that makes people believe in hope and change and all the good January first things. I have three events in the next week and I’m freaking out about each of them on a really high level because I haven’t written them in the 2017 book because Shalom’s “get a planner before the year ends” ass was too busy getting and fighting off malaria in the Ivory Coast.

(It’s dawning on me presently that I would have much better made this a video. I feel like the way I’m hearing this in my head is a lot better than the way you’re hearing it in yours. Do you hear what you’re reading in your head? For real, that’s a question I’d like to know the answer to.)

I’ve decided to share my resolutions with you. I feel a little strange about typing them because they don’t yet exist in another format. So, here we go:

for 2017:

  • Acquire (because I didn’t feel like saying “get via self purchase or gift from parental party) a phone (an iPhone, maybe?) that will not be stolen four months after purchase (or at all). (2016 had a bad track record for phones and me.)
  • Stop (or do my very best) cancelling plans (or not following through with them) to sleep or eat or cry or *insert Shalom activity*. I am the worst. I will straight up ask you what time you’d like me to be there when I know I’ll be in bed. Anxiety and depression suck, but I’d like to stop saying  “yeah I’ll come” then not, in favour of saying that I’m having a hard day and I won’t be coming. Start doing that, future Shalom.
  • More girls loving girls! More seeing girls as people and not objects & influencing the worldview of girls! More girls that don’t interpret other girls as competition! Girl love! (!!)
  • Move back to the US. Is my timing off on this one? Yeah. Yeah, I know. I’m scared too. I am, however, moving continents, and that’s exciting all on it’s own.
  • Work a full-time job (it’s that simple. I need a job. I’ve gotta get one.) and save meaningful money from it (for next travel adventure or for life. We’ll see.).
  • Get into college. No, I’m not in high school. Yes, I have done a year of university already. Yes, I’m still playing the game of hanging in the great continental education system divide. (Note: Apply ED or EA if you can. It makes the waiting less painful.)
  • Take better care of my body and be healthier (without letting intrusive eating disorder thoughts back in)This is a hard one because the balance is so, so delicate and I really don’t know if I can handle it? We’ll find out though. I’m an oversharer.
  • Make some friends. That’s it. It’s that simple (it’s not simple). I’m just trying to make some friends outchea pls help
  • Get my driver’s license. I really didn’t want to do this until I drove a quad bike on the beach on Christmas and I think that maybe I can do this.
  • Tell more people that I love them (because I think just not being kind to everyone I can is having a backfiring effect on me? Like, I have too much feeling and I am suffering.) and practise intentional kindness more often.
  • Don’t break my glasses! 
  • Create more, unashamedly. For real. Being afraid is a thing, and anxiety and consequences and dealing with them are all things that I need to just handle. I need to say what I need to say. I need to make stuff.
  • Be more perspective of my mom and her feelings. I’m not explaining this. I love you, mom.
  • Become fluent in (at the very least) one of the languages I’m half fluent in! I feel like I’m more willing to take on Portuguese than French. But either way, I’m doing it!
  • Learn to cook a good pasta sauce. I’ve learned to cook a lot more than I thought I would have, but I’m lacking in the pasta sauce department. It needs to be stocked.
  • Perhaps, just…give less damns? (I was going to use a better choice word but I realised I haven’t sworn this whole post and it is EXCITING.) If you add the handy cocktail of neurotransmitters I get at the pharmacy because my brain doesn’t make them, the effort I put in on a daily basis to do the life thing, and the being a pretty okay person, I think I’m working really hard. I think I’m doing okay. I think people who want to jump on my back for existing can enjoy the ride (especially the part where I fall over. Several times.).  I’m gonna be a better human if I can, and I’ve written things down so now I’ve got a plan.

Thanks for being part of my old new year so far. I appreciate you. Years years bears.

love and light,
shalom xo