monthly me | march ’17

March…happened. It’s already foggy.

Some thoughts on March:

My brain is a big hazy space now. I can’t remember what I did this month. I can’t remember how I felt, even though I wrote some of it down, I can’t process that March is over, and I can’t understand why it’s not getting better. I mean, I kind of understand. It’s just a lot. The Oscars happened? (Edit: I remember! I spent a day at Wits with some friends and rolled on the floor far too much. What a day.)

In March, I started going to a new (old) (new) church really near me, and I’ve been enjoying it. I feel a bit freer, being somewhere other than where I’ve been for most of my life. We have bible study on Thursdays and talk about whether religion means anything, and if things are as literal as they seem (no), and all learn from questions. It’s a lovely bunch. Good eggs.

I baked so many cakes? There are three March birthdays in my family. I took some more steps to driving, even though I hate it and the idea and everything to do with it. Yikes. I became increasingly fond of my roommate, and I’m excited to live with her. She’s wonderful.

March wasn’t good enough. It was grey and unmemorable, and I felt grey and unmemorable, but I am good enough. Good enough to be here still. Good enough to be expanding ever outwards with the universe. Good enough to take in all I can, despite how foggy it all is.

Waking up at noon or at five in the afternoon will contribute to the fogginess. I feel like I’m not really here, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m leaving sooner than I thought. I am moving my life in two suitcases. Time is happening and I’m just dissociating, rather than acting in the time. I don’t know. I also cut off all of my hair, and then got really long twists. I’m a human Newton’s Cradle. Swinging is exhausting.

Music

everything will be better when you come out, out of it

you think i’m in control / you think it’s all for fun / is this fun for you?
essentially, me yelling at people yelling at me yelling at my brain on repeat.

i’m a little much for everyone / you’re gonna watch me disappear into the sun

Snippets of internal monologue

  • The fact appears to be that I am the embodiment of that Hozier song. I fall in love with everyone. It’s like a permanent crush on the whole world. Is that why my chest is so full when I see people?
  • I hope I get it. *breaks into A Chorus Line*
  • Rewriting the L-phabet with all the Ls I’m taking.

I’m gonna try again for April. Breathing’s just a rhythm. (thanks, regina.)

love & light,
shalom xo

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The Week From Hell

Seriously. I was punched in the face before 8AM.

This is the first break I have had the entire week, and I only have 54 minutes left of it. The panic has been very,very real. While I have been lucky enough to have Hamilton help me get by (my obsession is a little OTT), sometimes, a superb rap musical just isn’t enough.

Monday: You know, Monday was the only okay day.  I went to my lecture. I remembered to take my meds. Things were working out, man!

Tuesday: SURPRISE BITCH. It was my immediate younger sister’s birthday, and that was fine. It was great, she was happy. I got to uni, and was late for my 8AM. The lecturer had changed. I had zero clue what communication models he was talking about. That day,  I realise that I cannot find ANY of the cases I need to know for my law test, in a week. My English tutor tells me that my way of thinking is wrong, a week before the essay that counts for half of my grade is due. Excellent The panic is very real.

Wednesday: WELL. My mother made some cryptic accusations (???) and told me that a meeting between her and myself would be happening this weekend. Excellent. I miss my 10AM lecture because I have the anxiety attack from hell. I go to the bank to close an account, like I have been trying to do for the last MONTH, and they keep me running. I send an email of complaint, because NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO GO TO FOUR BRANCHES TO CLOSE AN ACCOUNT. I realise that tomorrow is the philosophy test. Perfect. Nothing else could go wrong, right?

Thursday: WRONG. It rains the entire day. I get punched in the face by a taxi driver, and have to pay twice because he decided that it’s a good day for xenophobia. Lovely. I cry while trying to gird my loins in preparation for the philosophy test that I am very, very unprepared for. The guest law lecturer calls on me in class, and I say “Wasn’t it, I mean, kind of yeah not really.”. The question was what the third factor the courts look out when evaluating discrimination according to the constitution. Good job, Shalom. I arrive at my law tutorial, and haven’t read the case, BECAUSE I COULDN’T FIND IT. I can’t answer any questions. I see people leaving and wonder why, and then realise that they are going to the philosophy test. OH. SHIT. I run out of the lecture theatre, into the rain, and make the Great Trek TM to West Campus. I wait for 30 minutes outside the venue. I realise I am early, and that my slot is only in an hour. Ah. Wonderful. I decide to go to the library, and my student ID won’t allow me to enter. Excellent. I decide to go to the bathroom before test. ALL THREE BATHROOMS (not cubicles, as in, three buildings) ARE OUT OF ORDER. Perfect. I write my test, but not before having my shoe fall off of my foot, and having myself fall into a puddle. I get home, and THE INTERNET IS BROKEN. I also can’t fix it, because all of our landlines are broken because our internet is broken. Holy hell, okay.

Friday: I find the law cases. I get back my English assignment and score an A. I go to the bank AND THEY STILL MUCK ABOUT. I find out I am only leaving campus at 9 tonight. I mean, today could go worse. It’s only 3 o’clock.

I am tired. The entire universe has taken a piss both on me and in my coffee this week. I am tired.

I have no clue if I will finish reading the cases that I need to, and then finish actually studying for the law test. Prolly not. I have no clue if next week will continue at this rate. If it does, don’t expect much from me but more sarcasm than usual. If that’s possible. Ugh.

love & light,
shalom

 

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN: 5 DAYS TO GO

This is a brief lil’ post-a-day series for the next week or so regarding my last days at high school. That sounded way, way more intense than I initially intended.


So, I’m finishing high school in five days. Well, not really, but technically. See, I won’t be a student anymore -my valediction is on Thursday- but I’ll still have to come back to write my final exams for four weeks, I think. I’m not sure. All the shit is terrifying.

I keep thinking about how I’m going to deal once school is over. See, I hate school, but it’s also pretty much the only constant I have in my life. If I didn’t go school, I wouldn’t see my friends, eat, or exercise because lord knows, those stairs and my thighs have had an appointment. Also, I’m a little stressed out at the fact that nothing is concrete for me at present? Like, the majority of the students in my year have plans: Finish school. 2 month break. Get results. University. I’m kind of in between every single one of these phases, like: Finish School. Retake SAT. Find job. Work. Get results. Send results to McGill. Find out if accepted into McGill. ET CETERA.

To cut a long and particularly haphazard story short, I’m tired and terrified. I don’t know how I’m going to take this week, or why I’m not studying for finals, or what I’m going to be doing at school tomorrow. I don’t know.

Essentially, I’m just really tired, and I want cuddles and a high speed internet connection.

In a word: Ugh.

Love and light,
shalom

I’m angry and armed with a blog.

this post has too many memes

  • me @ myself:get it together…..

  • also me @ myself:ur literally going through a lot rn? cut yourself some slack?

  • also also me @ myself:…anyway….i hate my entire self


pepe

Greetings, loved ones.

That was terrible. I said that in a Snoop Dogg voice and I’m haunting myself and I NEED TO STOP.

Basically, this is a post about all the reasons I’m angry. You don’t know this, but for the last three weeks, I’ve been complaining and not making intelligible conversation because as of September 5th, I grunt and make guttural noises and hope to be understood. Yugh. Today is also my 2 year anniversary with scooton.wordpress.com! It’s weird that I’ve been writing incoherent ramblings on here for as long as some people have been alive, and probably stranger that you’ve been reading them. Anyway. Onto the post. Looking back on this post, this is a suitable time for a profanity warning. You’ve been warned.

  1. WHY AM I STILL AT SCHOOL?
  2. All the matrics (seniors, final year of high school, whatever it is for all you international followers) in my schooling district have FINISHED THEIR SYLLABUSES  and don’t have to come to school anymore but I WILL BE LEARNING UNTIL OCTOBER 16 WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
  3. I swear IF I GET CATCALLED ONE MORE FUCKING TIME basbs
  4. Seriously. I got catcalled on the way to an extra lesson nine times today. NINE FUCKING TIMES and I hate it so much. Like????? Don’t whistle at me!!! Don’t call me “baby”!!! Don’t TOUCH me!!!
  5. Troye Sivan has not yet released the Blue Neighbourhood part 3 video and I don’t like it

  6. I fuckin’ hate electrostatics.
  7. EVERY GODDAMN PHYSICS EXAM I ALWAYS DO SO SHITTILY IN ELECTROSTATICS AND ELECTRIC CIRCUITS AND I HATE ITbad
  8. Things are so expensive omg
  9. Things that cost more than two dollars are not illegal EVEN THOUGH THEY SHOULD BE
  10. I have to do really well in my finals and I am high-key freaking out about them like ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  11. COULD EVERYONE ASKING ME ABOUT MY FUTURE JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN I PROMISE YOU WILL KNOW AS SOON AS I KNOW BUT FOR NOW GO THE HECK AWAY
  12. This also doesn’t make me mad but I’m gonna swear in ice-cream flavours from now on
  13. Who the rocky road decided that seven thirty was a good time for school to start?????
  14. I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT TO SO MUCH COOKIES AND CREAM I HATE IT SO MUCH
  15. I. Am still. ANGRY.

That’s all for today! Thanks for stopping by! Apologies for the assault on your eyes and potentially your soul that just occurred. I’m really tired. I’m going to study for chemistry. Or something.

love and light
shalom

It Is What It Is – Academic Awards Edition

Shalom Obisie-Orlu. Scroll.

Tonight at the academic awards evening at my school, that was what was called out before I walked onto stage and received my certificate. A scroll for academic achievement. Sounds good, right? Wrong. Let me fill you in on what has been going on in the swell of tears and banging in my brain for the past hour since the event ended:

(also, hello!)

At the school I was at from 2012-June 2014, academic awards can be achieved in grade ten, eleven and twelve, under half colours or full colours. With the report I achieved last year, I would have qualified for half colours. I’m confident I would have also managed to get full colours for netball, and been a councillor, or senior leader.

Does it matter? No.

In June/July of 2014 I made a decision to transfer schools in an attempt to save myself. As dramatic as it sounds, it’s the truth. I didn’t, contrary to popular belief, get bored and move to a school where I would have (a) nothing to my name, (b) no academic reputation in the most important year of high school, and (c) an extremely tough time fitting in to school in the middle of the year.

Nobody does that because they’re bored. Nobody uproots his or her life for attention. Nobody goes through extremely depressive cycles and ridiculous application processes just for fun.

It’s NOT fun.

Today, I was presented with a scroll. A scroll is the most basic academic achievement award presentable at my new school. It’s the award that anyone can get. You get a scroll for your first year of doing well.

It’s not my first year.

I’m not smart at school but I try really hard. I used to be brilliant. It was all I had. I worked so, so hard in the most difficult school year I have ever had to endure and then, this.

I meet the criteria for half colours. I meet the criteria at two schools, for goodness’s sake! I just so happened to make a decision and I now don’t get the award I deserve in every manner of speaking,because I haven’t been at the school long enough.

Look, tonight I’ve managed to offend one of my closest friends, almost swear at my mother, cry so hard my eyes are struggling to open, held back so many outbursts, fake smiled at so many people and said so many “thank you”s that I honestly wish I meant.

Grow up, Shalom. Get a hold of yourself. You got an award! Some people didn’t get anything. Be grateful. High school isn’t everything. You’ll be done with this in ten months.

I’ve been trying to get myself to understand these things, but how can I when they so clearly contradict everything I’ve been told?

  • this is the most important most important year of your life
  • matric stays with you forever
  • you get what you work for

Not the case here. I’m also really, really angry at myself; at the fact that I can’t be 100 per cent hapy for my lovely friends who did so well. About the fact that I snapped about not getting a good enough award when my lovely friend didn’t get an award at all.

I sound like an arrogant, unsatisfied brat. I know. And I hate it when people are like this. But these are my feelings and I would never act on them for fear of hurting another person (sorry Chy). I just needed somewhere to put them.

That’s all I have o say for now. That’s all the stupid, overprivelleged, arrogant and annoying ranting you’ll have to tolerate for today. I’m terribly sorry.

 

In truth, well done to all of the award winners tonight. You deserve it. (no cynicism intended)

with love,
shalom

Choose- A piece about an angsty teenager and luuurve

Hello friends! So while I figured out why I was feeling all sap saps this week, I started my channel! Also, I wanted to write some angst about how I don’t have a Jackson Harries to fly halfway across the world to see me. Watch that video here, it’s great. In any case, here is the angst romance shmance pants!


 

I miss you.

I miss the stupid way I used to feel when we went out, the way it seemed like I was on drugs a little bit whenever I was with you. The way you used to – do you still? – bite on the corner of your top lip when you concentrate too hard. The way you used to know so little about so much.

I remember the way one day played out: when we walked for a long time, and I got tired, so we stopped. You sat and I sat after you and we made shapes with the clouds. You asked I was okay and I asked if you were happy, and you said, ‘yes, kind of’ and I said ‘yes’. I remember you leaning on my shoulder and asking why I was so tired and I told you that I was having a regular day. I told you that I was confused about choices and that I hated losing and that the world is a big place.

You asked what my choices were and I said, ‘a couple here and there’, and you asked what I wanted you to say. I didn’t know. I was quiet and then you were quiet and then we held hands. I keep drawing hands because I miss holding yours.

I remember you looking at me and touching my nose, watching my face scrunch up and the tension in my body disappear. I remember when you turned and propped me up onto my knees while you were on yours and you held me tightly. I remember you squeezing tight and asking if I was crying. I was crying.

You held my one hand, with the other still around my back. You looked at me, and said, ‘I choose you. I’ll always choose you,’.

It’s December, darling. You didn’t. I miss you.

Qui dit que tu m’amais? // Who said you loved me?

 


THUS ENDETH THE ANGST! I’m feeling a lot less teenagey-hormoney now, so I’ll probably be back to my usual crap talking…whenever I …ah, I can’t even keep my train of thought from being derailed.

Soonest,

Scoot X