finals szn

alternatively titled: finals szn is almost finally over
alternatively, alternatively titled: shalom is going to tank her comm final

i just gave my schedule a good reshuffling, and am now taking three on site and three online classes next semester. why? well, i’d really like to have professor stewart for comm theory but i can’t because it clashes with syntax, and if i take comm research over the summer instead it’s only two months of summer school instead of all four.

in brief, i’m avoiding studying for the final that i have in two and a half hours because i am anxious. it’s my last final and i need to get a B in it to keep my gpa where it’s at, but i also probably won’t because i won’t. that’s the way it’s going to go. probably.

i mean, i’m not opposed to it going splendidly. if it so happened that the only thing on the final was relationships then i’d be very pleased and could finaggle an A. but alas, that will not be the case, and as such my future is up in arms. i’m starting to panic about whether or not i actually want to be a linguistics student (the answer is yes, shalom, it’s yes – you can’t change your life path every time you have a dream that sends you into a panic attack) and about whether or not i can deal with three online classes (hopefully i’ll use my time wisely seeing that i’ll only have one physical class a day) BUT I SHOULDN’T BE. i should be out of bed and brushing my teeth and reviewing for my exam in an an two hours and twenty minutes.

my boyfriend is helping me move a desk and an ac unit tomorrow. i’m anxious about being the owner of an ac unit. my brain is so frazzled and i know very little about family communication. i’m also buying a bicycle soon. from what it looks like, it should be a very nice bicycle. remember when i would write for money almost consistently? i would love to be doing that again; then i could afford said bicycle. maybe i don’t need a bike. i just donated half of my clothes the other day, and i still have too much stuff.

it just dawned on me that i haven’t been taking my medication for the last couple of days. oh, brains are a funny thing. i’m off to put some wellbutrin in my body so my mind can stop running at one hundred. sorry for this mess.

love and light,
shalom xo

nobody cares about your loud exhaust, michael

His name probably isn’t Michael, but I’m gonna go with it.

Outside one of the buildings where I go to school, there is a parking lot. Inside this parking lot, there is a motorcycle. Upon this motorcycle is Michael, and I want to knock him off of it.

Michael drives (rides?) a shockingly orange, very loud motorbike. When I say very loud, I mean startle you from sleep loud. I mean, get on the ground and duck for cover loud. I mean this boy spends 20 minutes revving his bike every time I have the misfortune of walking past the academic building loud. I have no intention of hurting him or his ego, but I swear to Jesus, Mary, Joseph and saint above that I want to destroy that bike. Good heavens.

The first time I walked past, I was with a friend who yelled, “We get it, your dick is MASSIVE” as we walked past. I laughed. The second time, he was just doing it. I didn’t want to yell but also, I just really hate how loud it is. So, I walked past muttering obscenities to myself. I most recently walked past last night at 7:50 pm while trying to get to my 7:40 French class, and that experience is why I’m writing this post. Y’all, I have never wanted to kick a bike so badly in my life.

I was already in a daze, having slept through my alarm, so the first kick of the exhaust was like a gunshot ricocheting through my entire body. Fine, it woke me all the way up. Not fine because it continued. The second kick made me mad because I jumped and bit my tongue. By the third, I was so close to just walking right up to him, but I didn’t want to be so close to the noise.

Essentially, what I’m trying to say is maybe you have the world’s biggest dick and you want everyone to know it via the ridiculous noise your vehicle can make – you can still just not. Consider just…not.

Nobody cares, Michael. Fuck your exhaust pipe.

love and light,
shalom xo

2016 IS A BITCH.

THIS YEAR HAS BEEN THE BIGGEST LOAD OF ABSOLUTE PRACTICAL JOKENESS ON MY LIFE. LET’S TALK ABOUT IT.

Ah, 2016. This year was supposed to be filled with promise, new adventures, love and all round awesomeness. It was going to be amazing. We’re in November now, and I’ve never been more sure of the second coming of Christ in my life. There is NO WAY that everything will go back to normal after this – what even is normal? What even has 2016 been?

This year I have:

  • been punched (and still made to pay double) by a taxi driver
  • been robbed four times
  • gotten accepted into a bunch of Canadian universities then was forbidden to go
  • had two phones stolen from me
  • seen the south african government give zero fucks about the future of the youth and the education crisis in the country
  • had my laptop, my baby Gertrude, completely give up on me
  • gone through a messy breakup (messy as in I was a mess, I cried for three weeks straight and my mother thought I would dissolve into tears)
  • been blackout drunk at a res party and ended up crawling through the halls, earning me the reputation of “that drunk girl who was crawling at the first EOH party” according to one boy
  • seen the bankrupt guy from the apprentice be nominated as the republican candidate for the presidency
  • beaten a man up on the sidewalk in self defence
  • lost R200 in one go
  • been flat broke and had my account in overdraft enough times to almost have the bank freeze my accounts
  • had my new bank account frozen for three weeks with my allowance in it
  • been fired
  • managed to be broke 24/7 despite working three jobs
  • had three pairs of headphones
  • lost the first pair at the first uni party, the second at the first res party and somehow managed to will the third to stop working
  • had people completely cut me off without any explanation
  • tripped in heels at least six times
  • run out of a restaurant during a really awkward date by answering a fake phone call and yelling “gee i’ve got to go like right now oh man bye!”
  • broken at least four pairs of shoes
  • sliced my fingers open with knives, bottle caps, washing machines, cupboards, and tins of jam
  • facilitated nine successful hookups in a day and none of my own (call me wingman extraordinaire)
  • had the hot water in my house off for two weeks
  • had to change my holiday to lisbon three times because my sister’s exams got shifted
  • been threatened with rape by the police
  • had my godmother not respond to my emails
  • had two colleges just…not process my application (they just didn’t do it)
  • very nearly came close to being in a fight with a drug addict at pride, and
  • have no bras that fit my new and improved birth control boobs.

It sounds like a joke! How can this much absolute crap happen to one human being in ten months?  Who’s puppy’s tail did I stand on in a past life? This year has been a mess. I am currently a mess. I have work in three hours, an exam on the two days following today, and a travel agent to call. I hate phonecalls.

I have a couple of posts coming up including a l0ok back on Joburg Pride (which was a fantastic day where I’m almost 100% certain I found my pal Ash a wife), my October rewind, a lil talk about police brutality and probably more angsty rants. I am going through the MOST.

love and light,
shalom xo

Bravado

This week has been something.

I went from crying for seven straight hours to not crying at all. It may not seem like a world altering change, but when your eyes are suddenly unpuffy and nobody’s asking you what you’ve been drinking for the whole week, it makes a bit of a difference.

I was stuck with an English essay that provoked procrastination from every crevice of my being. The essay topic was alright, but one of the short stories that we were working on just…ah, it did nothing for me. It was (a) more of a novella than a short story, (b) had a rapist as the narrator on moral authority. I just got very tired reading it. It’s an excellently written story, though. I think that everything happening in my country about rape culture at the moment made me a little apprehensive.

I just submitted my essay a whole 12 hours before it’s due. I’m feeling quite accomplished. (This is a lie. I am not.)

I’ve got a little bit of time tonight because I am neglecting my law & philosophy readings. I feel as though my room is conspiring against me: My doorknob sliced my finger when I entered, and now it won’t stop showing me that in less time than I can adequately comprehend, I will have been alive for eighteen years.

Eighteen doesn’t seem like a long time, and birthdays don’t seem like a big deal, but if you’ve been around this little corner of the internet, you’ll know that I don’t do well with birthdays. The ABEC (Annual Birthday Existential Crisis) comes to town a month before my birthday, usually. Being the Americanest American to ever American, my birthday is on July 4th. (The bitch is early this year.)

I think this has all started because I’m listening to my favourite music from 2013. I loved Lorde in 2013. Everything she sang made sense to me. In 2013, I was a 15 year old in 10th grade struggling with physics dating a twin boy. I wanted to dance more than anything, I wanted to sit on tennis courts with my then-boyfriend and his brother, my then-best friend and our little clan, drinking out of paper cups. I wanted to be able to describe my year as the feeling of wind on your hand when you stick your arm out of the car window on a roadtrip.

Today, in 2016, I’m still faking glory. I’m trying to convince myself that when the lights come on, I’ll be ready. I have been ready, for the most part. I’ve fooled everyone into thinking I have been, at least. Every day is a pill tipped back, every day a brand new story. Everything is for the applause, in the most selfish way possible. Does that make any sense?

I’m walking to 18 slowly, and it’s running at me. I’m trying to find my own bravado before it crashes into me.

I’m also going to move to New York in 3-ish years.

Love and light,
shalom xo


featured image from this 8tracks mix

The Week From Hell

Seriously. I was punched in the face before 8AM.

This is the first break I have had the entire week, and I only have 54 minutes left of it. The panic has been very,very real. While I have been lucky enough to have Hamilton help me get by (my obsession is a little OTT), sometimes, a superb rap musical just isn’t enough.

Monday: You know, Monday was the only okay day.  I went to my lecture. I remembered to take my meds. Things were working out, man!

Tuesday: SURPRISE BITCH. It was my immediate younger sister’s birthday, and that was fine. It was great, she was happy. I got to uni, and was late for my 8AM. The lecturer had changed. I had zero clue what communication models he was talking about. That day,  I realise that I cannot find ANY of the cases I need to know for my law test, in a week. My English tutor tells me that my way of thinking is wrong, a week before the essay that counts for half of my grade is due. Excellent The panic is very real.

Wednesday: WELL. My mother made some cryptic accusations (???) and told me that a meeting between her and myself would be happening this weekend. Excellent. I miss my 10AM lecture because I have the anxiety attack from hell. I go to the bank to close an account, like I have been trying to do for the last MONTH, and they keep me running. I send an email of complaint, because NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO GO TO FOUR BRANCHES TO CLOSE AN ACCOUNT. I realise that tomorrow is the philosophy test. Perfect. Nothing else could go wrong, right?

Thursday: WRONG. It rains the entire day. I get punched in the face by a taxi driver, and have to pay twice because he decided that it’s a good day for xenophobia. Lovely. I cry while trying to gird my loins in preparation for the philosophy test that I am very, very unprepared for. The guest law lecturer calls on me in class, and I say “Wasn’t it, I mean, kind of yeah not really.”. The question was what the third factor the courts look out when evaluating discrimination according to the constitution. Good job, Shalom. I arrive at my law tutorial, and haven’t read the case, BECAUSE I COULDN’T FIND IT. I can’t answer any questions. I see people leaving and wonder why, and then realise that they are going to the philosophy test. OH. SHIT. I run out of the lecture theatre, into the rain, and make the Great Trek TM to West Campus. I wait for 30 minutes outside the venue. I realise I am early, and that my slot is only in an hour. Ah. Wonderful. I decide to go to the library, and my student ID won’t allow me to enter. Excellent. I decide to go to the bathroom before test. ALL THREE BATHROOMS (not cubicles, as in, three buildings) ARE OUT OF ORDER. Perfect. I write my test, but not before having my shoe fall off of my foot, and having myself fall into a puddle. I get home, and THE INTERNET IS BROKEN. I also can’t fix it, because all of our landlines are broken because our internet is broken. Holy hell, okay.

Friday: I find the law cases. I get back my English assignment and score an A. I go to the bank AND THEY STILL MUCK ABOUT. I find out I am only leaving campus at 9 tonight. I mean, today could go worse. It’s only 3 o’clock.

I am tired. The entire universe has taken a piss both on me and in my coffee this week. I am tired.

I have no clue if I will finish reading the cases that I need to, and then finish actually studying for the law test. Prolly not. I have no clue if next week will continue at this rate. If it does, don’t expect much from me but more sarcasm than usual. If that’s possible. Ugh.

love & light,
shalom

 

UniversiTERRIFYINGLY STRESSFUL.

Today, I come to you as more than just a regularly exhausted-by-life Shalom. I come now, as a bone tired university student that has consumed about six pancakes too many.

Happy Shrove Tuesday! In honour of pancake Tuesday, here’s a video from SoulPancake and my pal Kid President. You should watch it. It’s important. (It’ll probably make you a little smilier.) We all need a pep talk.

In any case, I started formal classes yesterday! Monday was pretty relaxed, and my only lecture was Global Literature and Film. It was awesome. Today? Eh, could have been better. I met my philosophy lecturer and the venue that it takes place in, and man oh man did a girl crave some sleep. It is so dark! And perfect for sleep! But I love philosophy and I honestly care about critical thinking and metaphysics. Honestly. I’m just such a sleepy kitten. I’m lying. Kittens can’t go to college, unfortunately. The do go to high school, though! My old school literally bred crazy cat ladies. We were an all girls’ school with strange cats roaming the grounds.What a time to be alive.

sleepykitten.jpg

Actual footage of Shalom in a box. #naturalstate

My Media and Society lecture is really cool, and I’m looking forward to seeing the psychology behind the way that media and society interlink. I’m not excited about the readings. My course pack is thicker than my arm. (I do not have very thin arms at all.)

textbooks.jpg

I think that real love is when the Prof says “there is no required textbook for this course”. I almost cried with joy when I found out that two out of four of my classes this semester are textbook free. PRAISE THE LORD. AMEN. (I’m not outright asking, but if anyone does want to buy my ridiculously expensive intro to law books for me…)

I am unfortunately still without job, and still waiting to hear back from UBC (scholarship offers) and McGill (ANYTHING offers). I am capital v capital tired. V TIRED.

(I just got very distracted by the internet and free vouchers and questionable fanfiction.)

(Un)surprisingly, I have made zero new friends? Maybe it’s because I slouch. It’s not that I haven’t met new people – there are almost 7000 first years this year. I just haven’t had any conversations beyond, “Where is the politics department? Thanks!” and “How to I get to the 3rd floor of Senate House?”. It’s a little bit shitty, to be honest. I’m hoping that tomorrow will be better than today. I hate falling asleep in class.

It’s also Valentines day soon. I remember, in 8th grade, when some of the larny private schools would get the day off as a holiday, and the rest of us would all be at school pretending not to care.

SO MUCH IS HAPPENING AND I ALREADY HAVE ESSAYS DUE AND ONLINE QUIZZES AND NOTES TO TYPE OUT AND OMG????? THINGS ARE STRESS???? HOW TO UNIVERSITY???

love and light,
shalom xo

Smooth Criminals & Straight Boys

Ah, yes. Shalom was about to ruin her schedule, during the first week of her schedule. Excellent.

Greetings! I have survived orientation week and not one, but two  ridiculous college parties. I love water, and also green juices the morning after. I do not love getting my things stolen.

At yesterday night’s Fresher’s Party -which was CRAZY GOOD until the incident -I had 8k worth of stuff stolen from me. My new phone, my headphones, and my makeup bag (????) were all taken from my bag, which was on my person and zipped closed, by some slick af thieves. Kinda like in that movie, Focus, when they pickpocket the people at that street market without anyone knowing. No? It’s this first scene. Watch this.

Yeah. Exactly like that.

In any case,  I’m without phone and without my people avoiding headphones. My phone has since been blacklisted and my Uber account disabled (see mom? I told you that we could). I’m very tired, and all round very sad.

I have also since lost all of my pictures of the parties. While the strain in my legs will remind me of the insane amount of dancing that occurred, I’ve got zero pictures of me & the people I love, having a great time.

Also, for the record: STRAIGHT BOYS GET OUT.

  • You have no permission to fetishize queer girls at all
  • You have no permission to touch queer girls at all
  • Queer girls owe you nothing
  • Do not ask queer girls with other girls if they are interested in you
  • THEY ARE NOT
  • Leave them alone
  • Stop trying to convert (??????!!!??!) queer girls
  • Seriously??
  • Screw you
  • You know who you are

Ah. Now that that’s all been said, I’m almost ready to start being extremely sad about starting the first week of lectures without headphones. Or a cellphone. I’m down in every phone department. And also in the liquid eyeliner and brow kit department.

Things are very gross right now. I’m at the mercy of two Canadian schools in terms of scholarships, I’m really worried about losing my relationships because of LIFE, I’m being very ill-disciplined when it comes to taking my meds, and I’m scared to start my English course. Ugh.

Also, tonight was Lennox’s birthday party & I couldn’t go re: rain, INTENSE SAD, car troubles, 8000 bucks more broke…

All round, it’s been shit. But I’ve been listening to Years Years Bears by Dodie Clark and Tom Rosenthal a lot & still don’t get it 100%, but now that my phone and my DELUXE COPY OF BADLANDS is gone, I’m finding myself with more time to listen to some of my youtube faves again.

be a better human if you can.

love and light,
shalom

featured image from flickr here.

Awards! Deadlines! PRESENTS | Blogmas Day 9

SO MUCH IS HAPPENING TODAY HOLY CRAP

Alright. Let’s go through this slowly, yeah?

  • Awards

I was nominated for an award by Kaila from [let me tell you my story.]! I feel so overwhelmed and so stereotypical because I dropped my beans on toast down my front when I found out. Thank you Kaila! (I stalk your Instagram compulsively.) I’ll be sure to complete that in the next couple of days, but I have job interviews and birthdays and college apps and…speaking of college apps:

  • Deadlines

MY ONE APP IS DUE TOMORROW AND I REALISED TODAY. Never a good sentence to hear. I’m in the process of frantically reading through my personal statement and hoping that offence spelled offence isn’t wrong as opposed to offence spelled as offense. I’m a little (read: a lot) teary eyed (read: DROWNING IN TEARS) at the application fees. I don’t know where to get $70… six times over. I don’t know how just be like, “YO FATHER, I NEED MORE CASH THAN I HAVE EVER HELD. OR SEEN. FOR SCHOOL THAT I MAY NOT GET INTO.”. I’m a little terrified of entering the credit card details because I KNOW that I’m never getting that cash back. Even if it never belonged to me to begin with.

  • Presents

I’m cashless. I have four siblings and two parents, school chums and family friends and basically every other person on the planet to buy presents for. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to do it, but I have to get around to it somehow. I wish e-cards were actually as cool as the internet said they were in 2009.

All of this aside, THERE ARE SIXTEEN DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS. There is also no gingerbread in my house. This is an issue. I shall remedy this tomorrow, if I STOP GOING TO BED AT 4 A.M AND WAKING UP AT ONE IN THE AFTERNOON.

Love and light,
shalom x

Christmas College | Blogmas Day 6

Thank you for returning, if you’re a returnee! If not, let me fill you in: yesterday was really shit, and yesterday’s post was really shit, and the returnees are gems for having returned. As are you, for showing up. Are we all on the same page?

To get us all warmed up for the brilliant boring-ness that is my life, have this:

 

I FORGOT HOW FUNNY THESE ARE TO MAKE IM YELLING

A video posted by Teen Wolf (@stiles.scott.isaac) on Dec 5, 2015 at 11:45pm PST

 

Onto today! I started today in tears, and woke up awfully sick and stuffy. Again. Do tears make you sick? I thought to myself, “today seems nice enough. I should vlog. Should defs find my camera.” I didn’t. In any case, I spent my mid-morning / afternoon at the Rosebank Rooftop Market, which was incredible. There were so many stalls, so much food, and crazy talented tap dancers. I wish I took more photographs – the market was amazing from start to finish. Also, there was a juice bar. JUICE. BAR.

Upon arriving home, I was slapped in the face by two things: A reminder from myself in the form of SHALOM YOU IDIOT YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TAKING YOUR AFTERNOON MEDS YOU FOOL; and THE SCHOLARSHIP DEADLINE IS DECEMBER 10TH YOU FOOL FINISH YOUR APPS YOU FOOL.

I refer to myself as “you fool” in my head an awful lot.

As I type this, the day is almost out. I have not even opened the application portal. I am now a secret santa to someone in my family, broke, trying to organise sleepovers, envious, disheveled (and not in a cute way), biting the nail polish off of my sad excuses for fingernails, in a lot of pain, and listening to love songs.

I ate almost a litre of ice-cream yesterday. I’m doing substantially better. I wish I could go to uni to learn how to Christmas more effectively. Christmas College. I think I’m going to title this post with that.

If any kind souls out there would be keen to proofread my college app supplements, let me know? I’d owe you endless.

Love and light,
shalom x

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Deadlines | Re: College Apps

My final exams are on their last legs. I have three more papers, two of which are on the same day (yes, it’s alright History & Drama, you can kill me, I don’t mind), and I’m very, very excited to have it all over with.

Mostly because I need more time. For school.

I’m applying to several universities (colleges?) in both the USA and Canada, and most of my deadlines are disturbingly close to December 10th – the day one of my girls (who are we kidding) leaves for Viet-fricken-nam. There is a lot to be done in the way of essays, “why and how would your admission to XYZ University benefit the University and the world?” type questions, paying CRAZY fees just to send through a form, and hoping to all that is holy that I didn’t screw up too badly in these finals so that I can at least  have some sort of shot.

In other December news: It’s almost Christmas?

I was talking to my mom about how this year, Christmas doesn’t feel anything like it. The supermarkets started decorating late, no Christmas craft pop-up stores have opened up as of yet, and honestly, nobody is excited. My mom gave me a simple answer: “it’s because there’s no money this year.”Makes sense.

In any case, the Christmas feeling is near non-existent; the pressure of deadlines is mounting, and I think I’m going to an 18th birthday party tonight. Maybe. (Update: I’m going.)

To all of the kids completing college apps as well, good luck. May we all finish in time, write bomb ass essays, and be accepted to our RD schools with promising financial aid packages. May we not break out into hives every time we think about out upcoming student loans and the fact that we’ll all be broke until we’re 35.

love and light,
shalom


Also; thanks for the new update, WordPress! I love it.