4 a.m. sunrise

Being up for the sunrise is different to getting up to see the sunrise. See, it’s 5:11 A.M where I live, and I’m yet to find sleep. This is a usual occurrence for me. It’s a pity; the sunrise seems to lose its brilliance when the only thing you have to offer to the awakening earth is your exhausted, eye-bagged self.SAM_2241.JPG

The sunrise is always changing. It starts as it does: a little dark and highlighted by the little lights and houses that mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, but everything to those that dwell in them. The orange gives this crazy kind of hope – dare I say misconception? – that the sun will come up, and the brilliant blue sky will present itself, and the day to come will unfold with the same kind of magic.

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The early bird catches the worm, and somebody zooms past the house front in an attempt to get to the train station before it’s crowded, or to get away from everything else that is crowded. The sky starts to brighten, and more people stir. The joggers come out, and the birds make more noise than they were making ten minutes ago.

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It’s an every day thing, the sunrise. I suppose our tininess is too. Every day, all of us – inconsequential people – wake up in our inconsequential houses to run our inconsequential errands until we die. Inconsequentially.

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I didn’t get to see the sunrise. There was no sunrise today. More than a sunrise, there was an overwhelming period of cloud cover with a dormant sun threatening ever so slightly to peek through. The cloud cover seemed to almost exactly mirror my mental state. 2015 has been a lot of grey.

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I feel quite strange today. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep over the last six months, maybe it’s the lack of medication, the weather, the hyper-awareness – I don’t know what this is. I know that I have three very distinct lines of feeling, though. One: I am terrified of everything and I want it all to stop, I want to stop being afraid, I want to be alone and at the same time, not. Two: I am more powerful than anyone could ever imagine. If you’re not scared of me, you should be. There is nothing that the world could throw at me that my brain hasn’t already. Not even death. Three: Nothing. I feel nothing. I am apathetic under a stained white shirt and jeans that used to make me feel something.

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I am not the teenage girl who gets up at 4 AM to see the sunrise. I am the girl who stands on a rooftop at 4 AM after being awake for longer than she can remember and sifts through the surrounding sounds while wrapped in her friend’s blanket.

It is not ideal. But, there have been, and will continue to be worse things that can and will happen at 4 A.M.

there are worse things than being awake at 4 am. another day will come, and the sunrise will come. eventually.

And all the kids cried out,
“Please stop, you’re scaring me”
I can’t help this awful energy
Goddamn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?

Control – HALSEY

Love and light,
shalom

 

Scoot on ~ sleeping and the lack thereof

 

It’s a well-known fact that teenagers should sleep. Whoever came up with that fact obviously hasn’t met the internet–supposed that they’re still alive, and if not…well God bless his or her soul.

Anywho, about two nights ago I went to bed at around 4 am, only to find that the sun was already rising, leaving me to consume my 3am ice cream in much despair, because of school in 3 hours and other ridiculous things that I believe nobody should have to ever worry about. I couldn’t sleep (duh) and I couldn’t figure out why either. It’s like 4 out of 5 voices in my head wanted to sleep, and the other one was thinking things like, “If tomatoes are a fruit, then is ketchup actually a smoothie? And also, does thee colour orange have the name of the fruit, or the fruit the name of the colour?” 
You see I’m not crazy. I know some people will beg to differ, but I’m not, I swear. I’m being serious here, I’m wouldn’t surprise you with any euphemisms (i.e. I’m just special, or I’m different) if I meant I was actually batshit crazy. I don’t have voices voices I’m my head, just regular voices in my head voices. (Say voices fast 12 times. 😛 )
These voices aren’t always helpful, and neither are the things that people tell you to do to help you sleep. Well, not for me anyway. So I’ve come up with a list of:
Things That DO NOT Help One To Sleep
  1. Counting sheep. Who in the hell came up with this? Seriously, like where does this come from? Because somebody decided that an adequate,appropriate way for someone to fall asleep would be for them to count some wool-making, cloud-looking farm animal. What?  Why would anybody want to think of a sheep if they’re having trouble sleeping? Maybe it’s the “soft and fluffy” mentality. But still, no ways.
  2. Trying to dream.  THIS DOESN’T WORK! I can testify, from about six years of experience. You want to dream about bunnies? Good for you! You think  planning your dream before you sleep is gonna help you out? WRONG. That does nothing but leave you in this half-awake half-dreaming state, and it’s awful. I’m not talking about lucid dreaming here, because that’s actually quite cool (For those of you who didn’t know, lucid dreaming is being able to control your dreams by being awake in them. Here’s how:  http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYSX51xBkos‎ 
  3. Lastly, Crawling into bed. Granted this helps whenever you need to be studying, or doing something important, but the moment you get into a bed to do what a bed was made for (sleep if you wondered, naughty :O ).

So in conclusion, I’m tired. And sleep is SO necessary right now. But maybe I can go another day…them Youtube videos keep me up anyway..

All my love all the time

-Scoot xx