10:45—Baltimore, at home.
Today marks twenty-one consecutive days of my transcendental meditation practice. February already, and snow everywhere. Blessed Imbolc.
It’s also been about three weeks since I turned a new leaf in a dramatic fashion (no job, Plague House 1, Plague House 2, New Job, New Home), and three weeks since I wrote this poem in response to a prompt Pam Houston gave during Joy Sullivan’s Sustenance writer’s group:
NEW HOME / NO HEAT / NO PROBLEM
The office is starting to take shape; contents of boxes are finding new homes again.
The air, like wintergreen gum, leaves me yearning for Vicks; its familiar warmth and signature menthol scent. I pull back my fingers in my sleeve again.
“I’m not mad at myself,” echoes from the journal entry of one year and one lifetime ago.
One once-too-bright lamp is the evening star, making way for night work with a knob turn and a less saturated lightsource.
Its light is the soft kind that a lover looks good in. Always, the flood is memories of your softness against the moment, your composition against my chapped lips.
I keep those memories in a cigar box, floating forever in the ocean of my brain, where I ask you for a little makeout before you have to go again.
Where you nod and smile small, saying “yes, we’ll have that,” again.
Today is day one of twenty-eight days of Lower and Slower: a month of non-yelling. I’ve been thinking on this one for a while, at least since May 2024 when my mom told me she wished I would speak to myself as sweetly as I spoke to my cat. It broke my heart (and probably hers over again) but it stuck as it should have. I’m pleased to report that my self talk has since improved since I Realized that I hear everything I say to myself. I started thinking about my familiar, my queen, my twin Tux bestie girl Cleo, and decided to be nicer to myself because (1) my mom was right, and (2) I owed it to her after she kept us both alive when I was not up for it.
This brings us to last week, during which I remembered that February was rapidly approaching and is also always the shortest month of the year. The best month for a month-long challenge is the month with the fewest number of days. So, challenging as it will be, I am setting out to consciously breathe before speaking for twenty-eight days. I am remembering myself more: my natural voice, my natural timbre, the comfort of a lower range in my chest. I’m remembering why I was always a great swing in musical theatre; it’s unironically because I have the range. I have the range, and the skill, and the lived experience, and the self respect to return to myself this way. It’s very cool over here. Many internal processes remain mysterious to me, but whenever any reveal themselves, I’m always thrilled. Or at least, now that I can give the reveals an unconditional welcome, I’m always thrilled.
★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★
As I write this, the Moon is approaching 13 degrees of Leo where the Full Moon happens tonight. Last week, I drew The Sun as the card for today, writing that its position opposite the moon was shining a huge light on how our self-leadership has contributed to our changing definition of a good time over the last six months”. Me, deciding that I now have a good time when I choose to Lower and Slower my voice? It’s more likely than you think.
★ ☆ CARDS OF THE WEEK ★ ☆
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2: Page of Swords (Mercury in Aquarius sextile Chiron in Aries)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3: X of Pentacles (Uranus in Taurus stations direct)
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4: V of Pentacles (Reversed) (Venus in Aquarius sextile Chiron in Aries
THURSDAY FEBRUARY 5: VIII of Swords (Mercury in Aquarius square Uranus is Taurus)
FRIDAY FEBRUARY 6: Knight of Cups (Mercury enters Pisces)
SATURDAY FEBRUARY 7: The Moon (Moon enters Scorpio)
SUNDAY FEBRUARY 8: VII of Cups (Venus is Aquarius square Uranus in Taurus)
As a writing experiment (along with many other experiments) I will publish a short piece of mystically inclined writing each day this week, to serve as an example of how I use the Cards to move through the quality time set to meet us during the week. Like last week’s post, each will include some reading or other resources I’ve found interesting or helpful. If you enjoy these insights, be sure to check them out. If you know someone who would, I dare you to share it with them.
This week’s playlist:
- Sunday by The Cranberries
- Good News (Ya-Ya Song) by MUNA
- It’s Alive! by Ratboys
- You Get What You Give by New Radicals
- Tongue Tied by Grouplove
- I Melt With You by Modern English
- Your Cat by Slaughter Beach, Dog
- There She Goes by The La’s
- Shotgun by Soccer Mommy
- Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine
- Dreams by The Cranberries
- Freaking Out The Neighborhood by Mac Demarco
- The Oogum Boogum Song by Brenton Wood
- Rich Girl (Remastered) by Daryll Hall and John Oates
- Everywhere (Remastered) by Fleetwood Mac
- Go Slow by Jordana
- Third Eye by Florence + The Machine
Love you mean it,
Shalom
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